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Alligator's picture

background story: My husband and I have been married for 5 and a half years. He has always had custody of his two children from a previous marriage; their bio mom was never a good parent or involved in their lives consistently. My SD was 6 when I met her; SS was 2. I have a wonderful relationship with my SS. He calls me mom. My SD has always disliked me and has gone to great lengths to get me out of her life; such as making false abuse allegations. She is diagnosed with bipolar disorder and has been medicated since she was 8.
Every year has gotten worse with my SD. She will call me mom and she even asked me to adopt her. I did adopt her and my SS in hopes that it might make my SD happy and accept me as a part of her family but it did not.
Around 6 months ago, my SD refused to do her chores and hit me and my husband. My husband sent her to stay with his mother. During this time, we has made a counseling appointment for my SD and my SD did not want to go. Before one appointment, she tried to commit suicide and was hospitalized. After the first psych hold, she was released back to my husband's mother's home only for my SD to attempt to run away. She was then placed in a residential psychiatric treatment facility. She was in 3 months and released to her grandmother's house. My husband wants her to come back and live at our house. I told my husband that I can no longer deal with my SD. The false allegations she made have strained my marriage. She doesn't seem to be getting any better.
My husband and I are going to divorce though I still love him. My SD is the only thing we have problems with. I'm not sure if divorce is the right thing.

Alligator's picture

My mother-in-law wants my SD. My MIL has always been overbearing; she lives 5 minutes away and always has her opinion in our lives (which my husband seems to value over mine)

My husband and I got marriage counseling after the first year of being married due to the strain from my SD.

I asked my husband about the separate homes and he said "wwhat is the point of being married then? "

Evil stepmonster's picture

Again, you are now SD's mother. Tell your MIL to back the hell off and take care of business. If your husband won't back you up, then go to the courts, they sure as hell will.

Alligator's picture

I have asked her to back off and she never has. I spoke with my husband and he doesn't see a problem with his mother. She has never made it easy. We recently learnwd that she was speaking badly of me to my daughter while my daughter was in a psych hospital.

Evil stepmonster's picture

There ya go, get your daughter and get a restraining order on your MIL. If hubby objects, leave with the kids.
My opinion is this, she was abandoned by her mother at an age where she still remembers. She might be trying to push and push to see if you will abandon her too. Mix that in with a bad mouthing grandma, a lazy dad, and being bipolar she needs some serious help. But I really think it would help her alot if she knew that you were never going to leave her and throw her away like first mom did.

Evil stepmonster's picture

Well, she is no longer your SD, she is now your daughter, bipolar and all. Adoption isn't a takesy backsy kind of thing. You are now the girls legal mother. You and your DH should both feel a little ashamed for handing off a troubled girl to her grandmother, also teaching this girl that yet another mother is ok with abandoning her.
She obviously needs help, whether she wants to go or not is not up to her, I think family counseling is the right first step, but please remember if you do divorce those are still going to be your children. Adoption doesn't expire with the finalizing of divorce papers.

Alligator's picture

Exactly. It wasn't a one time and gone. She was getting violent with myself, my husband and my son. There wasn't much else we could do. And this was not the first time she has had violent outbursts

Evil stepmonster's picture

I understand violent outbursts. Go read what my SS has done.
I understand the need to protect the other chidren in the house, I do the same. But had I adopted RFM I would not stick him with my MIL, if he had to be in a home so be it, but I would make sure he knew why he was there, and how much it hurt me to put him there. I would make sure he knew he wasn't abandoned.
That is all I'm trying to say. She may be trying to see if you cut and run on her like her BM did.

Evil stepmonster's picture

I have lived, continue to live, and deal with one two or three times a month.
So maybe you should reserve your judgment of other unless you know 100% of their story. Don't you dare tell me I don't know what it's like to live with a mentally disabled person. And don't you dare presume to know what I would do, what I have done, and what I have to do in the future.

Evil stepmonster's picture

Hey Echo

Evil stepmonster's picture

And you don't know anything about MY family members. What I had to grow up with, what I had to put up with, what I continue to have to deal with. So if you think your the authority reguarding mental illness think again. If you can judge me because I won't condone abandoment of my family or DH's I can certainly judge those who think that's the answer.

Alligator's picture

Well I guess in your eyes I'm a terrible person. I met these kids when I was 17. I turned 18 and married their father and took on the "mom" role immediately. I have tried continously with my daughter. I have took her to counseling, tried talking with her, nothing seems to work. She continues to make false reports. Even in her last stay at a residential treatment, the therapist said even if dcs finds no abuse they will still remove a child after so many reports from the child. If they remove her, they will remove my son. He is a normal, well rounded kid and doesn't need his life messed up because my daughter wants me gone so badly.
I'm sorry you think I'm terrible but I don't know what to do anymore.

Evil stepmonster's picture

No sweety, I don't think you are terrible at all. Believe me...I understand.
I think one of the biggest problems is the MIL. Put your daughter in a group home. Research the ones in your area and look for one that fits her needs. Visit her as many times a week as you can. Come alone some days and bring her brother on other days.
Putting her in a home that can help her, treat her, and have people that are trained for this is not what I consider abandonment. As long as attempts are made to see her. And the first year or so she may not want to see you, but she will always know that you tried.
I'm sorry for repeating myself but I think she has some issues with the fact that her mother left her. Right now she may feel like that's what mothers do, they leave their children. Her father isn't helping at all with shoving her off on the grandma even if the grandma wants her.
And again, no, I do not in any way think you are a bad person, I think in times of great stress people will snap, all people. It's how you bounce back that matters.

Evil stepmonster's picture

I deal with RFM two to three times per month, I deal with others on a daily basis. So when you have been declared an expert in how people have to deal with mental illness then you can judge me and tell me you know better.

Evil stepmonster's picture

I stand by statement as well. I've also made the statement that if it was one of my kids that was like RFM what would I do, I would have to place that kid in a home with people who are trained to treat and deal with it. I would however, never abandon one my children, I would never abandon MY family member who deals with this. Yes, I've had a metally unfit person living with me full time. I grew up with one, I dealt with that person every damn day of the year not just EOWE.
So, who exactly feels entitled to judge people? Oh yes, the one who does not know everyones story and assumes they have no idea what mental illness is.

Evil stepmonster's picture

You're right.
OP I just want you know that bipolar disorder is very difficult to live with, then toss in hormones from puberty and you basically have a time bomb ready to go off. Some of her actions are not her fault, some are probably a bratty preteen being a bratty preteen. It takes a coupld of tries before the meds are right.

Alligator's picture

She has been on 10 different medications. Nothing has helped for more than two weeks. Other than letting her do as she pleases, there is no way of keeping her from having outbursts. And letting her do as she pleases isn't good for her.

Evil stepmonster's picture

It can take up to two months for some medications to completely kick in, at the age she is it's a crap shoot with dosage and the right cocktail. And some of the outbursts need to met with a good spanking.
I have a family member, it takes him 8 pills...8 pills a day to keep him leveled out. And on those days when he is just frustrated he has to take a 9th to calm him down.

Alligator's picture

A spanking with her leads to getting hit by her. She will elbow you in the face if you get close to her. She is 5'2" and weighs more than I do.

Evil stepmonster's picture

Next time she hits one of you, call the police and press charges on her. Even with mental illness the only way a child learns not to do something is when he or she learns there are consequences for their actions. Sometimes scareing them strait is all anyone can do.

Alligator's picture

Only writing SD/SS to clarify they were once my step children. My son is my life and I won't leave his life. My daughter does not want me in her life and has made it clear.

I definitely know that adoption isn't a "take back" thing.

And my daughter has continously been under the care of a psychiatrist and has been in counseling.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

A divorce in your case will probably not help anything. Because you adopted your DH's daughter, she is now legally as much responsibility yours as his. The problems will not stop. Now, you may need to take your son and live in a different home if your daughter has no where else to go but with you and DH. I agree, you do have to consider your son. If this girl is living this kind of destructive life, she could potentially hurt her younger sibling. If there are no other options, you may need to simply live in separate homes until this girl is of an age that she will be treated as an adult by the State. Even then, if she is that much of a mental case, she could need care for years beyond 18.

Alligator's picture

How many times of having false allegations of abuse/having to talk to dcs need to happen before I start considering my own safety with my daughter?

Alligator's picture

I guess it is something that you would need to have happen to you before you could know how you would react...

Pilgrim Soul's picture

It sounds to me that your DD needs to continue at a therapeutic residential school and the hospital should have come up with a better discharge plan than home to grandma. Videotape her outbursts, and/or call one of your state mental health agencies when she is having a full blown tantrum. Scream, cry and beg them to help you. In my state it works - there are group homes for kids that young.

Another solution is to go via your school district and prove to them that your DD needs to be classified fro special education ( if she does not have an IEP yet) and placed in a therpeutic residential school. You will most likely need a special education attorney to help you with that. The fact that she is violent and there is another child in the house should be taken into account. The district might send her to a therapeutic day program for starters - which will also be a big step forward although probably not a sufficient one. Call you state Dept Of Ed, special ed division, for ideas about special schools - there are therapeutic schools just for girls out there - that school districts pay for.

Ask her psychiatrist for referrals also. One goal is to quickly identify a program that will take her and meet her needs, another is to get the district to pay for it.

legmel's picture

My sympathies – I cannot imagine what it must be like. I met my husband 4 years ago, his daughters were 18y & 11y. On my first sleepover at their home – she had her 7th suicide attempt (we are now on 12) she is bipolar and borderline. Refuses to take meds had a baby last year. Thankfully for me when we eventually bought our home and moved in together on day 2 she moved out as we would not allow her boyfriend to sleepover. But the absolute turmoil she has inflicted on our family is horrific. Her manipulative behaviour still continues to this day. Her father knows where I stand with her, she is not permitted in my home. If he or her sister want to see her – they have to do it outside my home. I will not permit her to contaminate my life with her evil ways. Living with a mental disorder is one thing – living with someone who does not want to take help is another. For the sake of your son please do not subject him to anymore if his sisters antics – it will put him in a very awkward position.