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Mini wife syndrome

Cactiandsucculents's picture

I have been living with my SO for 4 years. Sd will be 15 next week. Up until about 6 months ago, she spent one week with her mom, one week with us, and switch off. She decided to live with us full time (SO is a total Disney dad who doesn't make her do anything, drops everything he's doing to cater to her every whim and treats her like a baby) She's a great kid and we get along. But she's messy as hell, and anytime i ask him to ask her to pick up after herself he just gets angry. He will bite my head off of I ask her. He doesn't think it's a big deal because he says "she isn't that messy and it's no big deal to pick up a cup or two". That's not the point. And it's more than a cup or two. It could be worse, but I feel like this kid is more than capable of picking after herself. They are also glued to each other. I want them to have a healthy relationship and am glad they are close, and encourage them to do things together, but it's all the time. They lay on the couch together every night. She changed her sleeping schedule to get up early and go get coffee in the morning with him ( that used to be our only alone time together time but not anymore)  He lets her interrupt our conversations and will drop everything when she walks in the room. I just feel like it's a little extreme it's become a mini wife situation. (None of this is her fault, I can't blame a child). She will also talk to him in this high pitches, sing-songy voice and it's just weird. He won't set any boundaries. I feel like he should designate some time for us as a couple because i believe that is important.  I feel like a third wheel all the time. The older she gets, the worse it is. It's to the point where I would rather just be alone. I'm not in a position right now to just leave. I'm trying to change my perspective but it drives me insane.  I have family out of state and leave twice a year to visit for a couple of weeks. I've noticed the last few times I was gone, her stuff would be in the drawers of our bathroom in my area where I keep my things. We have to other bathrooms in the house one of which is in her room. One time she even had bags of snacks on my nightstand on my side of the bed. I find that a little weird. I don't want to be an evil jealous stepmother, and I've tried to be understanding, but I feel like I'm in a losing completion with this kid. I don't know how to deal with this. 

Rags's picture

Oh hell no.  Time for you to set and enforce standards of kid behavior and performance in your adult relationship home.

Quit picking up after her.  Start bagging any of her crap and any messes she makes and put it out with the trash can.  If she or daddy collect it before trash day, great. If not.. buh-bye.  That includes even dishes, pots, pans, etc... When DH replaces expensive cookware and dishware a few times due to letting his messy 15yo run amok he may just catch a clue.  If she does this with things that are yours like heirloom dishes, etc... clean them and lock them up in secure totes and stack them away in the garage ready to move if DH does not gain clarity.

Kes's picture

As I'm sure you must be aware, 90% of your problem is with your SO.  He is just a useless partner, and father.   You say you're not in a position to leave - I would start working towards this goal, however long it takes.  He will never divorce his "mini wife" - you will always be third best after himself and her.  You say you visit family twice a year - couldn't they take you in while you sort your life out?  Anything has got to be better than this. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Flip the tables on SO. Go become busy having a life of your own. Over time SO will get tired of SD being his only company all the time. I learned a long time ago to enjoy the single life and if I invite someone to share my life with me, I am not changing for them. They have to give me a reason to make time for them. One thing that has been consistent in my relationship with SO is that he consistently has had to spend time alone with his kids that he appreciates my company and his time away from them. Yes , we do live together and he will shoo them right out of the room we are relaxing in without any prompting from me, his choice. He looks forward to our time out of the house kidless.

advice.only2's picture

I hate posts like this because it's always such an icky subject because it's basically emotional incest.

I admit my DH was guilty of this when he and I first started dating. He would allow Spawn to tell him what they would be doing on her weekend, he would also allow her to set the rules of the house. He confined in her as if she were a partner and not a child. Thankfully I caught this when we were dating and was able to put a stop to it. When he would tell me stuff like "Spawn says we are doing XYZ this weekend." my response was "I don't allow children to dictate my life to me, so I will be doing this if you care to join me." DH would usually end up going with me and Spawn would tag along. He reverted back to old ways when Spawn moved in with us and I sat him down and asked him what he planned once Spawn aged out and was in a relationship and he was no longer getting that emotional relationship from her? I told him since I would no longer be around because I refuse to be party number three in my marriage. That helped him stop and reevaluate.

It's going to be very hard to break this cycle with your DH because they are firmly entrenched in their emotionally incestuous relationship. If he is open counseling might help him see just how toxic and damaging this is.

Left out mama's picture

You need to remind your SO that you are the wife... not his daughter. If he refuses to stop Her while she is setting up "home" by taking over your side of the bed, then it's time to go. Back your bags and run far and fast.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

The bed and bathroom thing would be my deal-breaker. If you can't have peace and privacy there, where can you? Seriously, that is intolerable. Is he so codependent that as soon as you are gone he moves her into your bedroom? Ew. 

Rags's picture

The home is the marital home.  Kids reside at the pleasure  of the couple.  In a blended marriage that puts kids in a precarious state of presence in the home that behooves them to mind their manners and behavior. 

Winterglow's picture
  1. Stop picking up after her. "DuH, your DD has left (whatever) lying about. Either she tidies up after herself (like a civilized human being) or you do ..."
  2. Stop letting her interrupt you "SD, the adultys are talking. It's rude to butt in."
  3. Insist on date nights.
  4. Stop letting her into your bedroom/bathroom. That is marital space and should not be invaded by children unless they need either an ambulance or a SWAT team. If he doesn't understand that, start leaving sex toys, bottles of lube, condoms, etc. about.
    OTOH, you could become "allergic" to sex "I'm sorry honey, I just can't ... she might just barge in as she thinks this is her space too", "I'm sorry honey, it's such a turn off knowing that a child has been in here", "what a shame she uses our bathroom - I would have loved to get dirty in there with you but...". 
  5. Don't stand for the cuddling on the sofa "ha ha, you two look just like an old married couple!"
  6. Be totally blunt with your DuH. Tell him that if he doesn't start behaving more like a father to her and less like a bf that you will be gone before he knows it. That you will  not be treated like an afterthought.That watching him do his extreme fawning stuff  is a huge turn off. That by running after her and not allowing her to learn any useful skills, he is stunting her development. By the way, OP, does she have any friends at all? Does she ever see them? Bring them over?

Cactiandsucculents's picture

I agree, what I have witnessed  has been the biggest turn off ever! She has a few friends, but is a complete homebody.  She has boys come over. She's has one girlfriend who has been over twice I think. But it's mostly guys that come over. I think it's weird and inappropriate. Right now with the stay at home orders this mini wife situation has escalated beyond belief. He doesn't see it and I could talk to him until I'm blue in the face. Nothing helps.  He has allowed her to step intole the role of a companion and I'm left on the wayside. 

Cactiandsucculents's picture

My SO has been wanting to leave CA for a while now. We've talked over the years about moving to Arizona to a bigger house with more land and a pool. The other day, he mentioned his daughter would come with us, she can live with us and go to college out there. Hell to the no! Her biological mom lives two miles away, is a good mom, and wants to spend time with her too. There's no reason for her to be living with us full time. I know that sounds mean, and talk of moving out of state WITH his kid is even more of a dealbreaker. I refuse to do this another 7+ years. 

Rags's picture

She will not be an Az resident for in state tuition purposes until she has lived in Az for a year.  It may also be that for that year she cannot be a student.  Most states put a notable hurdle on qualifying for state residency for tuition purposes to prevent actual state residents from subsidizing the college education costs for non residents.

I have had this process to navigate through in three different states.  Not all require a one year no school residency to qualify for in state tuition but many do.