Why can't your husband pay for him? My BF is a great guy too, but I don't plan on ever footing the bill for his daughter.

Will Paris be a once in a lifetime trip? Have you already paid for the tickets? If not, go to some other destination, and save Paris
for when the SS has moved out.

I can relate. In my situation it's MINE (100% time) and HIS (50%) only (no OURS, I wanted to, but got there too old )
Anyway - my DH only plans day, weekend and vacation trips with the mandatory clause - have to include his kids. It can never ever ever be without them. Mind you, they (skids) get to go places with BM and that's OK. He doesn't have a problem with that (imagine that). I told him that his stance is hurtful for my kids (they are not babies, they figured it out and commented on it to my mom) and very hurtful for me. Can you make it more obvious that we are second-rated in your life? Hmm. He gets very defensive and refuses to see how that would hurt us in any way.
And I'm not talking big vacations, I'm talking a day trip to the beach or something.
Just recently, the skids were over at our house unexpectedly (another one of many BM dumps) and he immediately started - hey, it's summertime, we're both off, let's do something, let's go somewhere.
It hurt me so much that I went to the bathroom and cried. I didn't tell him anything (what's the use - he'll just get defensive again) but I flatly refused to make any plans and stayed home. Stupid, I know, but I just couldn't get over it (he knew it was summer and that we were going to be off weeks before and never attempted to make any plans at all).
In your case - I just don't see why you would drag a 19-yr old everywhere you go?! You would think he wouldn't want to go with you any more. Especially if he doesn't really act like a family.

Your SS is an adult. You shouldn't be paying anything for him. is he paying you rent? Tell your husband if you are in the habit of taking grown adults who should be paying their way on free vacations, then you have this friend on Steptalk that has always wanted to see Paris and you would like to take her too }:)

Didn't you say that you never liked your SS? Do you not have any responsibility for the relationship, or lack of one?

You said in your post that you "never wanted kids, so I was never more than peripherally involved with him," that you "stay clear of each other," and then in the same breath, you accuse the teenager of being "someone who doesn't make eye contact with me"? Excuse me, aren't you also responsible for how that turned out, since you weren't really even involved with his life or upbringing? It takes two to make a relationship and you opted out of that one. Why on earth do you think your DH's kid would want to show you any respect or communicate with you? You never showed any interest in doing the same! Since the child was ONE YEAR OLD you have ignored him and now, you're griping because your DH, who obviously made a bad choice in staying with you (the subconscious guilt of it all coming through in his dreams), wants his kid - whom he loves, even if you do not - to share in activities like traveling with HIS family... sure, maybe the 19 year old could help with his traveling expenses, but I don't know any 19 year old who makes enough money to completely foot their part of a trip to Paris. Maybe BD could offer to cover his airfare and accommodations if his son can cover his food and incidentals... but that would be between the two of them, since you couldn't care less about the boy.

You're way beyond selfish. You chose to stay with a man who had a child when you yourself did not want a child in your life, so you made it the way you wanted it by alienating your DH's child from your new marriage and family. Your DH did his child a disservice. But sometimes men will sacrifice their children's physical and emotional welfare for a woman. It's been known to happen...

All this is going to come back to haunt you one day.

Agree w/Lifeisshort. Man the kid is only 18 and you think he should have money saved for Paris? I don't think you can invite your birthchild & not him -- that's flat out mean. And you've been to Belize recently?
I hope the kid decides to start college & your DH pays for it and if you complain about the money buy you a one-way ticket to Paris.... Yeah, that sounds mean but so does your post and I keep visualizing this little one year boy w/no mother to nurture him.

I agree with lifeisshort.

If you did not intend being part of this boy's life for 18 yrs you cannot expect him to be a adjusted functioning addition to your home do you? I mean you avoided him at all costs and expect him to be grown up enough to behave like you want him to?

You say you didn't want kids yet you married a man who has kids. Then you had a child of your own. Now are you leaving YOUR son behind? Didn't think so. Because he is part of your little family. Well when you marry a person with existing children they are also part of your family whether you like it or not. Unless the kids are totally alienated from your spouse they ARE part of your family.

You have known this boy for 18 yrs. Whether you like it or not your son and your s/son share the same DNA. They have the same father. So maybe one day your son needs a kidney and the only match is his 1/2 brother. Will you like the boy then? Will you expect him to make a sacrifice for YOUR son just because?

I could understand it if you hadn't ever had your own child. However you did. Say you die and your DH remarries. Would you like a future SM to treat your son the way you are treating your s/son? It happens.

You married this kid when you married his father. And your DH is internalising all your distaste for his own child and it is coming out in his dreams.

This is a nice article, good work!!

apartment paris

I guess I'm wondering how long SS did NOT live with you as you say he recently moved in.... and while the tone of your post does sound a little crass I think there is way more to this story than we are seeing here. It is quite apparent to me that this child did not grow up in your home and actually sounds like he did not spend much time at all in your home. Especially since you say that he "hardly talks to us" meaning your husband too which leads me to believe he does not have a great relationship with his father. I think the picture that is being painted of you living in your home with a SS that you have resented for 18 years is off the mark. I am guessing that you didn't see or hear from SS much unless he wanted something or there was something in it for him. Maybe I'm wrong, but at any rate.. I hope you get it worked out so that you can have an enjoyable time in Paris

Time to call DHs bluff. You and your son go to Paris without DH and SS. Have fun and take lots of pictures so DH will see what he missed.

Or, play the BULLSHIT card and bare DHs ass on how he is choosing his adult child over his 9yo. If SS wants to go he can pay for his own ticket.

SS has already been 9 and should not be able to infringe on your 9yo being 9.

Your DH needs absolute clarity on this issue. If he does not gain clarity he may loose his family.

Best regards

I agree with other posters, especially lifeisshort. I would understand if you wanted to go on a vacation with just your husband and yourself, and he wanted to bring his son, but if you bring your son along, and if his son lives with you guys there is no way you can say "no" to it.

Of course a 19 year old would not want to hang with his parents (and/or stepparents) unless is some sort of fun activity, that's how teenagers are.

I went to France when I was 18, my sisters were 22 and 25 with my parents, it was amazing. And if my dad expected me to pay anything with my nonexistent income, I would have laughed....