i think the fact that your husband supports you and backs you up is the best part of your post. many of us here do not have that basic luxury. we deal with kids who are unparented, and discipline and consquences simply do not exist in our homes because our spouses wont do it.

Your daughters shouldn't factor in to how his sons are being raised in your home. They are grown, out of the house and on their own. They don't need discipline or guidance anymore. But his sons do.

I agree with what Calypso said about - you are lucky to have a husband who supports how you parent his children. A lot of us are not in that same situation.

First, it's great that he backs you up! But yes, keep reminding yourself that they aren't yours to raise - it's your job to support your DH, not replace their mom. (The caveat to that, of course, is that you get a say in what goes on in your own home. As long as Dad is mindful of that though, I think you've got no issue.)

Second... *sigh* I may get some backlash for this, but if YOU get some say in how he parents his boys then I think you DO have to at least give consideration when he says he doesn't like something you're doing with your kids. Adults or not. You don't mention what, exactly, it is that he took issue with but I can certainly see some scenarios where he DOES get a say, since you guys are taking a blended approach. Their behavior while in your home, for example, whether or not you lend them money or buy them stuff, how they treat him (or you, for that matter) - I think he should get a vote in that sort of thing. (Again, solely because you guys are doing the "blended" thing and he listens to you. If you were each responsible for you own bios and he wasn't listening to your input, then I'd think he had no say in what you did with your own.)

Lay out the house rules. Let DH do the enforcement, parenting and cleaning up. Give your man a trial period of 6 months. If he doesn't keep the home clean and quiet, then you need to find someone who can. You did your job, well done! Btw, this arrangement was masterminded by their family to drive you away, so you don't get married- financial interests from BM and skids and in laws. When we moved in, BM dropped skids off at our doorstep for 6 months. It didn't break us. Once we got married, BM all of a sudden become mother of the year. You need to draw the line where your needs are. If they are met, then stay, if not, tell DH you will have separate living arrangements. They boys are old enough to stay alone while you two visit at YOUR place.

This article linked below should help. All this rule making and such is out of your realm of authority.

http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html

Set the house rules and enforce them as equity life partners and equity parents to any children in your home. It appears to me that your SO is one of the few bio parents in a blended family situation that understand that the marriage/adult relationship at the center of the blended family must come firs.

You have raised two children to viable self supporting adulthood. SO has not. You are right that parenting your adult daughters is different then parenting his minor sons. Parenting adults is primarily about advice and letting them know that you have their backs emotionally and lovingly but their decisions and the related outcomes are their own.

Parenting minors is about raising them to be viable adults and when necessary applying accountability and appropriate consequences. Your SO needs to understand your behavioral expectations for your SKids when in your home (if you live there, it is your home) and your parenting expectations from your SO. Either you parent together, he steps up and parents before you have to, or he zips his lips and has your back while you do the parenting.

It can work.

All IMHO of course.

Good luck.