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Need Opinions - BM wants to visit!

Courty_C's picture

So, a little background on my situation! My BF and I have been together for almost a year. His two sons (8 and 11) live with him full time, and while I haven't officially moved in with them, I do frequently spend the night at their place. The BM lives out of state, and the kids only stay with her during holidays and summers. My BF is 14yrs older than me, so we realize our relationship is unconventional, however both kids seem perfectly fine with us being together, they are wonderful boys, and overall we have a very happy and healthy life together! Most days I am part of the day to day happenings, such as dropping kids off at school, cooking dinner, packing lunches. Pretty standard stuff. However BF and I are conscious of making sure the kids get one on one time with him. He is extremely supportive of me, appreciative of everything I do, loves that I love his kids so much, and makes sure the kids see how much he respects me, and thus they also respect me. 

However... with all of that said.... BM is difficult to say the least. She ended the marriage, she moved across country, she drug her kids with her against their will, but finally relented in giving them back to my BF because he is the more stable parent, the kids wanted to be with him, wanted to go back home. So they have been with him for about 15 months. BM keeps in contact daily with the boys, overall has decent Co-Parenting with BF, BUT... she can't stand me. I don't know if it because I am much younger, because the boys enjoy spending time with me, because she realizes she f**ked up and wishes she hadn't left, combination of everything... but she has absolutely zero respect for me. I have met her once. She was extremely volatile and tried to pick a fight (right in front of her kids) and it was an all around uncomfortable encounter. A couple of days ago she sent BF a text saying she would like to come visit the kids in October, see them and spend time with them. BF and I are totally fine with that, she has every right to see them. However, my problem is she wants to stay at their house - just the four of them.... And I am not okay with that. For one - the house he lives in with the kids is the same house they all used to live in before the divorce. My second biggest issue  - there is no "the four of them" anymore... it sucks but I don't think its fair to the kids to allow her back into their home and back into the day to day life for a couple of weeks, just to have her leave again. I get she misses them, but she chose to give that up, and I feel allowing her to be a part time parent only when it suits her sets a very bad precendent. I also feel some jealousy at the thought of her coming in and taking over the role I have wholeheartedly filled in her absense. Because she basically abandoned her job as a mother... She made it clear when she came she did not want me around. I don't feel like she has a right to demand that, especially given BF is being generous in even letting her come visit - because it is not her "time" with them, and it will be disruptive to say the least to the boys. 

I suggested to BF that he ask her to stay at a hotel or with a friend during the week, since the kids will be in school. He and I are completely on the same page, thinking that we could invite her over for dinner, let her hang out, but that should be the extent of the interactions during the week, and she should leave when it came time to do our nightly routines, etc. I told him I am not comfortable with him spending any time with her and the kids without me present, because I felt it sent the wrong message to the boys, and given they are still pretty young, it seems cruel to tease them with "time with both parents together" because that isn't the new normal, no matter what they want. 

I told BF I was willing to compromise and come the weekend, he and I could go out of town, and let her have the house and some one on one time with the kids then... but that under no circumstances would I be ok with her staying there if he was also there. I have no doubts about him wanting her, so it isnt rooted in that whatsoever. I know without a doubt he DOES NOT want her back. For me, its just the insecurity of competing with the past, what used to be their home, but that he now shares with me (kind of). 

Am I totally off base here? Overreacting? Making it a big deal when it shouldn't be? Any advice and opinions would be much appreciated!!

Siemprematahari's picture

I think the solution to this is very simple. BM comes to town, rents a hotel room for however long she is staying and she can spend all the quality time she wants with her sons without your boyfriend and you having to be present. There is no reason she has to stay in their old home like they are together.

They are not a couple anymore and are coparenting so it should continue as such. If I were your BF I wouldn't want to give BM the wrong idea so she should definitely get a room, stay with a friend and call it a day. Allow her to bond and enjoy her time with her sons and you and BF can enjoy some alone time together. I don't see how there is anything else to discuss. BM staying with him in their own old home wouldn't be an option.

If you turn the tables do you think your BF would be ok with that arrangement if it were you???? I think not!

 

Courty_C's picture

I go back and forth on my feelings regarding this. Because in no way do I want BM to feel we aren't making the kids accessible to her. And I don't want the kids lives completely disrupted by her wanting to see them, thus the compromise of allowing them the weekend in the home. It is the kids home too, and they shouldn't have to abandon it just beause she wants time with them. BUT. Then I think that BF and I shouldn't be bending over backwards to accomodate her, do her a solid.. .because at the end of the day, she created this mess, she created the problem, and she left. How is that our responsibility to fix? The BM also apparently already told the kids she was coming, and would be bringing them to school, picking them up, etc.... to me that seemed a little presumptious, as we haven't even ironed out any details, and she had no right to tell the kids she would be doing that... because I don't think she should be. Part time mommy does not get to swoop in and be the Disneyland parent during a time that technically isn't hers. She does not have primary custody. I sympathize to an extent - BM regrets her decisions, misses what she had. But the boys wellbeings should come first, and I think it is cruel to allow her access into parts of their lives that she isn't a part of anymore... because even if we did let her do school pick ups and lunches and bed time tuck ins... is that not being cruel to the kids in the long run, because it won't last? It is temporary, and just a reminder that they don''t have that anymore... What happens when she leaves and the kids have to go back to not having her there for those things... I feel like it would be detrimental and hurtful for them, even though the kids (the youngest especially) is excited that "mommy will be picking him up" from school and "mommy said she would make my favorite breakfast" one morning..... It irks me to no end that she is making plans and promises to those kids that she hasn't even cleared with my BF.

Siemprematahari's picture

BM also apparently already told the kids she was coming, and would be bringing them to school, picking them up, etc.... to me that seemed a little presumptious, as we haven't even ironed out any details

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ BM shouldn't have taken it upon herself to make these arrangements without speaking to your BF. I wouldn't feel comfortable with her staying at the home doing all these things. She doesn't live there anymore so the fact that she felt she could just swoop in and play "mommy" for a few days is a no go. Like you stated there are details that need to be addressed and BM doesnt call the shots on what goes on in your home. BF needs to have a chat with how this will go down when she comes to spend time with the kids so that there are no misunderstandings.

You don't want to set the tone that every time she wants to visit the boys she can just come in and take over the home without discussing details with BF first. He has primary custody and the kids have a routine so that needs to be taken into consideration.

Winterglow's picture

Your bf and you are entilrely on the same page about this and that is absolutely essential. I think you're right in wanting to avoid conflict and also in wanting to avoid nurturing any ideas about forming their nuclear family again that she might be feeding her sons. I'd say that leaving so she could have the weekend with her children in their home is a great idea. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I think you're being overly generous. Personally I don't believe BM should be in my home period. dot. I don't think she should be hanging with my DH one on one. And I definitely don't think she should EVER be spending the night. I don't care what her excuse is. If she wants to see the kids, then it's her job to find boarding for herself to do so.

So you even letting her come the weekend I think is overly generous. I wouldn't even tolerate that.

Now for the rest. She is absolutely in no place to demand that you aren't around. it's not her home, your BF isn't hers in any way shape or form, and if she's going to be nasty she can do so away from you. If she doens't want to deal with you so bad, then it's her job to find somewhere else, not yours.

Knowing he doesn't want her back isn't even really a calculating factor. The facts are. She's an ex, you're in the current relationship. And honestly I don't think it's appropriate for ANY woman to be spending the night at your BF's home (besides family, obviously...)

Competing with the past can seem scary. But beyond that. I don't think you're overreacting. In fact by letting her stay the weekend there, it seems to me you're under-reacting. You shouldn't have to change up what you do just because on a whim BM decided she wanted to be a parent for a quick minute.I think she should be asked to stay at a hotel or with a friend for the whole duration of her visit, and that the visitation with the kids should be requested to be out of the home. It's not hers, and I agree, playing happy fmaily is hardly healthy for the kids. It just causes confusion and a mess.

Areyou's picture

State your preference. “I prefer that BM not stay at the house because it makes me uncomfortable.”

Then he does what he does. You follow with your reaction.

hereiam's picture

She can rent a hotel room or stay with friends and make plans with the kids OUTSIDE of your boyfriend's home.

Why would you have to go out of town if BF lets her stay at the house on the weekend? Do you live with your parents?

Courty_C's picture

No he could easily stay with me, we just were thinking of using the time as a little "romantic get away" because with him having the kids full time practically year round, the romantic trips and alone time is sparce. And if we were out of town, it could prevent the inevitable call from one of the kids asking "he come over and do this or that" because the youngest still has desires for the way things used to be. It isn't that they want their parents back together. Or that they aren't happy with the life we are creating now. We have very good "family times" together, from playing monopoly, to taking day trips, spending time together. They enjoy that, but the youngest still misses when it was mommy doing those things with them instead of me. I don't hold that against him in the least, but I also think it shouldn't be pursued, because it just isn't reasonable or possible. Divorced means divorced, even if mom and dad can play nice in the same room together... it does not constitute intentionally seeking out time and making time for "the original family unit quality time".... that is a big no go for me. BF asked if I would feel more comfortable if I were included in that time... I said f**k no.... yeah sure let me be the other woman in the room, cause that wouldnt be awkward!! Especially not in their home... it would feel like a pissing match, and one I would lose. Because ultimately she is BM, no matter how much more I do for those kids day in and day out, I would be on egg shells and unable to do or say anything right, because it would be ripped apart by BM and I would wind up the bad guy somehow.

Courty_C's picture

But should the kids have to stay in a hotel? Should they have to leave their home and their routines just because she is in her feelings and missing them? I mean, we are talking school, activities... why disrupt that?

Dogmom126's picture

The kids are old enough to understand that mom and dad aren’t together. You and their dad leaving for their mom to stay with them is just plain weird, inappropriate  and will probably confuse them even further. They understand that lol is not a part of their household that they share with you and your SO. Besides, kids usually enjoy a change in routine and staying in hotels.

Blue Moon's picture

Exactly what I was going to suggest! She can rent a house in your SO's neighbourhood and play Mommy for two weeks. In no way should she stay at her EX house (I hope your SO changed the locks when she left). IMO.

Also in no way should they play happy family the 4 of them.

Courty_C's picture

We live in a very rural town, so AirBnB isn't really a thing here... Sad but there are plenty of hotels around. Yes locks have been changed. I honestly cringe just at the thought of her being in the same state as us. It really is SO much easier to do life with her LIMITED access to us and the boys.... that sounds selfish, but not having to alternate weekends, run into her at school or sporting events.... it makes it so much easier!

Survivingstephell's picture

No no no!  No way in Hell would I let an ex wife stay in the home.  Are you willing to lock up all your important papers so she can't get any ammo to use against daddy in court?  Who's to say what her underlying motive is to stay in the house.  

Your skids have a new normal:  divorced parents and a mom who lives out of state.  Offer her dinner time during the week and sleepovers AT THE HOTEL on the weekends.  She left, she gave the skids to her ex, she has to conform to the routine here, not dictate it.  

TrueNorth77's picture

100% Nope to this. She can stay literally anywhere else, and if your SO is generous, allow her to PICK THE KIDS UP when she wants to spend time with them. She has been disrespectful to you? Why should she be in the house, so she can cause drama in front of the kids? That's not good for them. All of her interactions with the kids should be away from the house. If she wants to cook them breakfast and play house with them, she can rent an AirBnB. As long as she can get them to their activities, I wouldn't see why that would be a huge issue. Like someone else said, if you two leave for the wknd and let her stay there, she has access to everything in the house, and it can be confusing for skids to have her "living" in the house again.

On a side note, skids are plenty old to be packing their own lunches...SD9 and SD12 have been packing their own lunches for 2 years. They do a good job. This may come in handy if/when you move in and get tired of doing everything for skids, when they are perfectly capable of doing it themselves. Also teaches them some responsibility. 

 

 

Courty_C's picture

They pack their own lunches, they just don''t do it without prompting. It is more I am involved in the sheparding along to keep them doing what they need to be doing, i.e. brushing teeth, taking showers, packing lunches, picking up shoes... they do it... they just arent gonna do it without being reminded/told to do it!

Courty_C's picture

And I should mention that SS8 has a broken leg... so his abilities have been more limited! Some things he usually does are much harder for him right now, so I help. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

the house on the weekend so she can stay there. How much snooping could she accomplish in a weekend? The idea makes no sense. Let her take the boys for the weekend. She can stay in a hotel with a pool. (I realize that may not be much fun for the boy in a cast...) There are families who go to a local hotel for a "get away" weekend - she can do the same. There is no reason for her to stay at BF's house at any point during her stay - it is just asking for trouble.

Notup4it's picture

No way should she be coming into YOUR family home.... NOPE!!! She can rent a hotel and let her have the kids the whole time she is down, but no way in hell would I let her come in and play house with your boyfriend.  Ewww, she could  (and would) go through his and your things, check computer records and all that.... nuh uh!!!! 

That is nice that you don’t want the kids put out, however, that is how ALL kids with parents who are not together love to some degree- they are kids, and they really don’t care.

Sounds to me she is visiting as a ploy to try to get herself back in.... I can 100% guarantee that is exactly what she is doing.  I would be willing to bet if your boyfriend says no to her staying at the house and all together that she will decide to not even come down.

She ditched her kids to move across the country, I would say she doesn’t care THAT much about visiting them, it sounds to me more like it might not be working as she thought it would over there and wants an opportunity to wiggle herself back in there. She is thinking long chats with your boyfriend when the kids go to bed and all that. Your boyfriend needs to put this bio ho bag in her place.

Harry's picture

No way,  She can rent a hotel with a nice pool.  She can pick them up and do with them what ever she likes.  She will not stay in BF house and BF will not be living with her.   As you know they have history together. Like having sex with her cheating??  Did it before ? 

If he stayed and have too much contact with her it’s time to move on.   Because this will never end.  There will always be excuses to “ go away together as a family “. They don’t get to PLAY. Happy Family !!!

Merry's picture

Absolutely not--she does not stay in the family home under any circumstances. I see where you want to be generous, but she can do WAY too much damage staying there, either by snooping or acting like she still lives there. "Wouldn't it be GREAT if Mommy still lived here?" "Remember when we did xyz here?" "Wasn't it FUN when we did abc, and wouldn't you like to do that again if I moved back?" WAY too much damage for the kids.

My DH's ex ended up homeless shortly after their divorce. Couldn't/wouldn't hold a job (nothing new), had no savings, wouldn't move to where her family lived. So SHE decided she was going to move back in with DH and SS "until she got on her feet." Which would have been never. DH wasn't asked--he was TOLD. I flipped when he told me. I don't think we were even engaged at that point, but I told him that if he EVER lived with any other woman that he didn't get to be with me.  I found out later that she slept in her car OUTSIDE OF HIS HOUSE (guilt, anyone?) and went inside to shower etc. after he left for work. No, just no. There is something terribly wrong with wanting to live with your ex again, even if it's for a week or a weekend. 

oneoffour's picture

Respect for all parties and boundaries to fence in the crazy.

Now going on about her walking away from the kids blah blah blah. Well everyone can have a do-over. But this is not with SO or dragging the kids along. If she wants to move back and be a positive part of the boys lives, more power to her. If she wants to come back periodically and mindf***k with all of you ... not happening. And the boys are more resilient than you give them credit for. They know the score. Yes, they miss their mother. This is normal. And probably they have this image of mommy that is not in any way grounded in reality. They have an idea of who they WANT her to be and not who she really is.

But who knows who she really is nowdays? Of course you err on the side of caution and stay out of her way. But not out of the house. If you see her you say "Hello Melissa." And keep walking. Be the grownup. Let her try oh so hard to make up for all that lost time. And you keep on doing what you do. 

Just be VERY aware that come teenage times those sweet boys will change. They may want to spend time with their mother just to get at you and their dad knowing full well she is your joint archilles heel. They will try to manipulate you and grunt and smell. You will suddenly run out of kleenex faster than ever. You can teach them everything in the book and be there for them but they will turn on you. And then they stop. So maybe back off on the herding so much and work at letting them fail a little. So Mr11 forgets his lunch. Going hungry once will encourage him to not forget lunch again and if school gives him lunch and charges his father then he has to work it off in extra chores.

But back to this year. BM stays in a hotel and visits with the boys outside the home. The boys can pack a bag each and spend the week with mom. It will not kill them and it is a bit of an adventure. Just let them go for a week.And let BM see what life is like with the 2 of them on her own. Maybe SO hands over some money for meals and the extra for the accomodation. After all, what happens when they visit her out of state?  Jyust do not let her cross your front doorstop. Because the crazy will be free to run wild. She may not be after SO but she will steal your best shamppo and body lotion in seconds.

Notup4it's picture

Me toooooooo!!!! I can’t even believe she had the audacity to suggest staying at the house, or that this is even a topic of conversation.  I would flip my frickin lid.

susanm's picture

Burned to the ground in a pile of charcoal.  I wouldn't even bother to try and make it look like an accident.  If the insurance investigator was a woman, on hearing the story I have no doubt that she would she approve the claim to be paid.

Rags's picture

Oh hell no!  The X isn’t allowed  back in the home under any circumstance and must spend her time with the kids without dad present,  Blurring those lines just screws the kids up and fucks up new relationships.

It is no longer BM’s home nor are the 4 of them a family.   She can stay in a Hotel.

Maxwell09's picture

AGREED! OP do you know what happens in the kid's minds when BM comes back into the familiar home and overtakes parenting and plays the placeholder for your husband's wife? It gives them fanciful ideas about their parent reuniting. DO NOT ENCOURAGE. BM needs to stay in a separate place and see the kids on her own. 

Lndsy747's picture

My friend had two very young kids (3 and 5)and when her and her husband were separating they stayed together a few times when cleaning out house and again later when she was working on moving again and it confused the kids a lot. I know your SKs are older not it still seems like it would cause more problems imo too have her come in and try to pick up where she left off. 

Also I would NEVER let BM in my house. She's come in like twice during pickup and that irritated me. There's no way I would leave her there alone whether it used to be her home or not. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

She came into ours twice too (before we moved). I now have a no tresspassing sign, full intent to file tresspassing charges and I told my DH she's lucky I didn't shoot her for tresspassing. No go on coming into the home.

ESMOD's picture

As the parent with primary custody.. I think he would be within his rights to dictate, to an extent, how and when she sees the kids.

My personal belief is that she should have two options.

1.  Rent a place (or stay with family/friends) and the kids can stay with her there for the time she is there and she can deal with all the transportation.. getting lunches etc.. she's the mother.. she can figure that out.

2.  Rent a place.. the kids stay in dad's home and she can pick them up to visit..

I also am 1000 percent sure that I would not allow my DH's EX to stay with us/him for ANY reason... (well except for life or death disaster.. might make an exception because I am a decent human being).

 

BTW... I like the romantic getaway idea... but still wouldn't want her in the home where I stay even if your DH wasn't there.

Well This Isn't Fun's picture

BM is 100% not allowed in my home for any damn reason. She forced her way in one time and it will be the only time. I would never agree to her staying at the house and if FH wanted to (he wouldn't) I would move TF out. 

Also there is no "the four of them" anymore. That ended when the relationship ended. 

She should have unrestricted access to her kids, but not your home or your husband.