I haven't posted in a while, because I really haven't had much to talk about.  But tonight things boiled up again, and I need to push the release valve by blogging when I really feel like screaming.  If you have followed my story lately, you know that SD16 has moved out- DH has 50/50 custody and she was supposed to be here half of every week.  She got angry at him last month because he caught her manipulating to go to a party, and instead of going along with it, he went and got her from it. She threw a tantrum, had BM pick her up, and has not stayed here since.  She has been hurtful and disregarding toward DH, but manages to turn it around to it being his/our fault that she doesn't feel welcome here.   There has been a lot leading up to this.   I see some truth in how she could feel that way in that we have had our struggles as we have blended,  but I feel like she is exploiting it for her advantage.  She definitely doesnt act like someone who wants to try to make things work. 

Anyway...she has only spent time with him 3 times since she moved out....twice she spent two hours with us when we had our niece and nephew, and one weekend when we took her and a friend a trio for her 16th birthday.  In the beginning, he invited her for dinner several times and she blew it off, recently I know he asked her at least once or twice more and I know it didnt happen. I am trying to stay out of it so I am not asking questions.  I do know he texts her every day, sometimes she responds, sometimes she doesn't. 

In the last couple weeks it sounded like she was communicating more, she has even called him with random questions about driving as she just got her license last week.  Just this weekend we were talking about maybe things will be ok, makes sense a teenager would want one home base but that doesn't mean they cant have a relationship.  Today she called and he missed it, he tried to call back and she didnt answer.  He texted and a few hours later she said she just wanted to tell him something about her new job.  Around 9, he got up and said she said to call her, so he went outside.  When he came back in, he said she asked if she could bring her boyfriend on a family trip we are taking in a couple weeks.  Aha.  I get the feeling that was the real reason for her communication today. 

Now, we have had this trip planned since January.  It is just a couple nights away, and we are taking our boys, their girlfriends, (who are all young adults), and he had told me he told SD she could take a friend. In fact, at the time he was adamant that she was not taking her bf.  Which I was fine with, I didnt want the responsibility of keeping an eye on a teenage couple. It has come up in he and I talking a couple times since, and it was still no she is not taking the bf, and that they had a conversation about which girlfriend she was taking.  So it did shoot my blood pressure up when he came in to ask me that......  I (not so gently) pointed out he was the one who had said boyfriend wasn't coming, that's what I planned our cabin around, and I didnt understand why he was asking me this.  He said, "well SD said she would sleep on the floor if he could come"  I swear, my DH does complete 180s, we can have full conversations about something, but if SD says the opposite, it's like we never even talked about it.  Makes me psychotic.

But, to his credit, he has learned to start stopping to consider what I am saying, and he said tonight he still does not want boyfriend to go.  I asked him why he was asking me then, and he said he needs me to keep him straight.  Huh? Soooo....he told SD he would get back to her...and now it looks like he talked to me and I put the stop to it.  Perfect.  Ugghhh.  He tried to say no it doesnt....but yes it does.

Anyway, he went back outside to call her, so I dont know what went on in the conversations.  When he came back in he said it was fine.  A little bit later I heard his phone going off and he let out a huge sigh.   I asked what was wrong and he said SD....he let me see the text.   She sent a long text about how she just got done crying over his punk a$$, she thinks about him every day because she looks just like him (no she doesn't, she looks like her mom. Just saying), and how can he never want to call or spend time with her, he is an a$$ and an awful person and she is done with him.  

I feel like this is the twilight zone. DH is not perfect, he is not always great with knowing how to deal with emotions, he tends to stuff his down and act like everything is fine.  If he has stuffed a lot and his line gets crossed, he can be sarcastic.....I think he could deal with things better sometimes...but can't we all.  He is not mean and definitely not an awful person. Most of the time he is bending over backwards tryng to keep everyone happy.  The way she speaks to him is not the way a child should speak to their parent. It is hateful.  It seems to get into his head, and pushes him down.  And I start to wonder what I am missing, because from my point of view, she has been treated well, too well perhaps, which I feel has helped lead us here.  So...here we are back to "I hate you, I don't want anything to do with you, my mom is my "real" parent".   Conveniently timed to coincide with her not getting something she wants.  What a crock of bull.

But...this is my husband's daughter.  Anyone else who might treat him like this, I would say time to cut that line, but she is his child.  I just don't know how you navigate a relationship like this with a child. I am a child of divorce myself (x3), so I do understand that there are a ton of emotions that kids dont know how to process.  But how she is acting is very disproportionate to the way things have been.  It feels toxic.  But she is still maturing and it doesnt feel right to assume that this is really what she is growing into.   On the other hand, at this point I think it is too late to teach her right.   So is it keep trying, and continuously get kicked in the teeth, or give space, only to get accused of not wanting to spend time?  Seems like a no win situation, does anyone have any ideas for a middle ground?