Feeling good about the Theraputic School for SD- Our only real hope at this point
So, DH went and toured the Grow School yesterday, BM was there but SD refused to go because she didn’t want to see DH. He felt very good about this school, it certainly seems like they have seen it all and can handle it all. They work with relationship building, if at any time SD loses her shit at school the teachers and counselors who deescalate the situation are women, which is good because SD always seems creeped out by older men (no reason, just likes the drama)
Some takeaways:
All cell phones are turned in at the office in the morning and they can pick them up in the evening
No Acrylic nails, they are deemed weapons, DH asked about this after my friend told me this was the case, he then looked at BM and she confirmed she understood
If SD refuses to go to school, they will send someone to get her
Each student gets around 30 minutes of therapy a day, but the principal stated many get much more than that.
They will not suspend her, or send her home, understanding that is her goal
BM brought up some fact that SD was doing so good lately, having sleep overs, going to the beach etc. I think it was to get DH to be jealous, his thoughts were “great she can be happy at your house, I have less stress at mine” but he didn’t say that. I commented well of course she hasn’t went to school in a month, of course she is doing fine. Her social media says something altogether different.
DH feels this school could do 1 of many things: She will either be like “yes this is what I needed” I think that one isn’t the reality. Or “Shit there are kids much worse off than me, I can do my work if needed, I can make it through a school day and I really want to be at the normal high school”
OH, AND THAT: DH says to me, “The bad news, and I don’t want to get into this because I don’t love it either, but they are passing her to 9th grade, but it’s not 9th grade at Shepard Hill its 9th grade at The Grow School.” Which of course I still think is complete and utter bullshit. Along with some talk that they make the student make up some of the work their senior year to graduate.
BM made some comment “SD has started to use her “not feeling safe” as a way to get out of things” and DH just looked at her because that is the excuse that SD gives not to come to our home.
From my understanding DH was like “I don’t understand how much of a space cadet BM is, she messes up appointment times and is CLUELESS about anything outside her world with regards to this school or how all of this works” I did remind him I read all 75 pages of the student handbook and my friends mom has worked there for 35 years.
Overall this will be the best place for SD, the summer program is more like camp than schooling so the principal said her initial experience at the school will not be the normal school year and she won’t be impacted as much as if she was starting with the school year. DH was fine with that saying “its better than her sitting at home all day while everyone’s at work”
They put my SS in an
They put my SS in an alternative school (not quite this type - more of the kind attached to a regular high school, for the kids who couldn't manage the freedom of regular school). They babied him, held his hand and spit him out with a diploma despite failing all kinds of classes, being late 2-3 times a week and having frequent absences. He was a pain in the ass to them, or so he claims.
Schools tend to push this type through because they a) don't want to deal with them and b) figure having a diploma is better than dropping out for them, even if they didn't really earn it.
You might want to let go of being so concerned about this stuff - I know that's hard to do, but it really does help. Let BM and DH make these decisions and just support DH.
I understand what alternative
I understand what alternative high schools are, this is not that. This school is more like Jail for Students, no babying, no coddling (like her normal middle school did) they will send a police officer to get them when they refuse to go to school. My closest friends mom has worked there for 35 years, it's not an easy school by any means and not an alternative school.
As I am the adult with a) the most education and b) the one who actually read the 75 page handbook for the school my supporting DH is informing him as I can make the time to research and he cannot.
BM is not handling this as she continues to make excuses for SD instead of saying "Wow I have created this monster, perhaps I should change my approach" but that would require self awareness and her not being a narcissit.
As a teacher myself I am the one who tends to assist her with school work when she is at our house because I tend to have the better approach with a reluctant learner but who knows if she will be in our home. All of these decisions affect my life, this summer program has great impact on our summer plans if if fact she comes back into our house. So the 100% disenaging will never work.
I'm a social worker, I'm
I'm a social worker, I'm quite well aware of what kind of school you are talking about, I've worked in them - but they will still push her through, that's what districts do. I'd think you would know that as a teacher.
You can keep fooling yourself into thinking you can control everything by reading handbooks and helping with homework, but in the end, if her parents don't enforce or make things work, all you do will be for nothing.
Good luck.
her last school system had no
her last school system had no issues with keeping students back. I am pretty certain she will drop out once she is 16, I don't see her graduating high school, unless some miracle occurrs and she changes who she is completely. I am working with DH to get her as much help as possible, he is not the issue, he is a solid father and everything he is doing is for his daughter but BM, well she is a toxic-useless person and currently SD wants to be in her home.
Your SD needs help
This maybe the answer, or she too far gone to be helped. We will see. It’s good for her..
I am a fan of just flunking
I am a fan of just flunking them out and booting them to the curb myself. POS spawn like these wastes of skin have no business taking resources and focus away from kids that are behaved and make the effort.
Reform school should be the only option. No phones, no make up, no clothes other than identical cover allsand basic footwear, and they do exactly what they are told, when they are told and they do their work or.... they spend all day moving tons of gravel from point A to point B and back to point A with nothing but a shovel and two buckets. For hours, and hours, and hours on end. Then when they are exausted, their hands covered with seeping blisters they go to a large auditorium with dozens of tables and uncomfortable metal chairs to do the school work they should have been doing rather than being idiot assholes and having to move rock.
No "I don't feel safe" bullshit. Just comply or move rock. Run away and get hog tied and frog marched right back to the rock piles.
In 7th or 8th grade, which grade it was fades a bit 40+ years later, actually it was 7th grade, I was assaulted by a 17-18yo who had been allowed to pollute the school for far more years than should have been allowed. The floor in the entry foyer had the school mascot on it. It was not allowed to be walked on. If you stepped on it you had to kiss it. Of course this was not policy, this was student invoked. I was waiting one evening for my parents to pick me up from practice after school. It was cold so I was waiting in the foyer. The 19yo eternally held back mental munchkin accused me of stepping on the mascot. Which I had not done. He attempted to force me to kiss the mascot. I refused. He was dragging me attempting to put me on the mascot. I struggled. He outweighed me by a minimum of 60Lbs. I still refused to kiss the floor. He threw me against the wall and pulled a knife on me. He put the point of the knife against my solarplexis and told me to kiss the floor or he would kill me. I refused. At that point a cheerleader walked around the corner into the foyer. The mental giant hid the knife. My parents pulled up at about that time.
I did not say anything to my parents. My mom saw a cut in my shirt and blood on it when she did the laundry a few days later and asked me about it. A couple of days later the police came to the school at the end of the day and I was called to the Principal's office. I recounted the incident and they mapped out the plan for the next day. My parents were there. They had me remove my shirt and took pics of the cut on my chest. The next day I was called from class and walked past the wall of glass that separated the foyer from the admin area. The POS was standing at the counter to one side talking to one of the admins. After walking past and into a hallway I confirmed that he was the one who had assaulted me. At that point four police officers stepped out of an office behind the guy, put him over the counter, cuffed him, and found kife on him. It was a switchblade with an ~8inch blade. He was cuffed and hauled off never to be seen again. About 5 years too late IMHO. They should have flunked him and put him in a hard labor facility long before he had spent 5-6 years in Jr. High.
It was not long after that when I took a zero tolerance for bullies stance. I started fighting back and sending them for reconstructive facial surgery or testicilar reconstruction when they made the mistake of targeting me.
I know that your SD is not violent. However, she is a waste of time and resources that would be better applied to kids of character. Kids like this should just be written off and purged to a place where they can have minimal impact on decent people.
IMHO of course.
It is sad that BM and SD have been tolerated to break your DH's heart and yours for so long.
Good luck. I hope that "Grow School" keeps their foot up SD's ass and she responds with some successful performance.
I think this is the final try
I think this is the final try, at this point I am pretty sure if SD screws this opportunity up, DH will wash his hands of her. It's been almost a month since she has been to our home and each day he accepts it a little more and also speaks to the lessening stress from having to try to co-parent with a narcissist. He doesn't respond to negative or drama filled text, he doesn't give BM the chance to cause him more pain. I am sure it will get worse before it gets better, this will be a painful transition for PRINCESS SD.
From a teacher's prospective,
From a teacher's prospective, I can tell you that behavior in public schools, even in the general population, is abhorrant.
There are no consequences for their actions. The "new" policies in place prevent children from being suspended, and even when they are, the parents rarely punish. They'll be back on their cell phones 2 days later. "New" policies in my state now also prevent children from being held back.
I literally had a dozen kids this year come to class, disrupt daily (when they showed up), not do work.
Today, we are practicing for their promotion.
Seriously, your kid can average a 12% final grade, and they pass them forward. No consequences = terrible generation.
I like the idea of the structured school your sending SD to.
Agreed
Just as a parent going to pick up her kid I watched students being rude, wandering around, etc. Made my blood boil.
When DS was in elementary there was an incident and the school never called or even sent a note. I only know about it because DS told me. I went to the office the next day and gave them a what-for, not to defend my kid, but that they were remiss in not telling me. The principal told me they don't call the parents because the parents don't want to know and they expect the school to take care of it. I told her to put a note in my file that I want to know and I will help take care of it, that they'd better contact me each and every time.
It's why the kids these days are so rude. They know they can be. They know their parents don't want to bother, they know their parents are permissive and may even excuse bad behavior, and they know the teacher's hands are tied with rules and regulations. No one can/will hold them accountable.
Dh was in meetings at the
Dh was in meetings at the school weekly and getting nightly emails from the principal and teachers. He kept telling them to retain her in 8th grade and are they NOPE. DH has done all he can to hold her accountable but everything and eveyone else just lets her get away with not doing the work and being a complete asshole. I felt bad for all of her teachers, I use to tell SD that those teachers didnt hate her they went home and worried how this kids academic future could be improved.
before BM took her out of
before BM took her out of school for the year she missed 30 days of school and had a 20 in each class and that is only because she was forced to do some work.