Desperately Needing Advice
Here is some background, I am 42 and raised my son as a single parent from the time he was one till I married my wife when he was 8. My son is now 16 and special needs. He is ADHD, Executive Function Disorder, impulse control issues and has anxiety. My wife suffers from a cute anxiety as well and has difficulty dealing with an environment that is not ordered, including loud sounds, things out of place, etc.
We have always had difficulties given the nature of the issues each have. My son is not organized, leaves messes, can have a bit of an attitude, does stupid things without thinking and is a bit clumsy. He is highly intelligent but often seems last and does not want to apply himself. It is often difficult to tell where disability ends and where he is trying to be manipulative and get out of work.
My wife, on other hand, has always felt uncomfortable around my son, never wanted to spend much time with him and I feel over time slowly alienated him. He used to adore her (never having much in way of a mother in his life), he would always take her side in discussions we would have no matter what. Over time he seemed to pick up on her not wanting him around and as he has gotten older he is less fond of her.
I love both and feel for both of them. They get along better when I'm not around. I understand her need for order and her anxiety issues but I understand how difficult it is for him to be patient and do things right every time or remember to clean up every mess. I am a bit ADHD myself. We have been to therapy, both wife and son are on meds, after years of them snarling at each other, I am on anti represents and anxiety meds. I feel it has built up inside me where I am about to explode.
The almost daily routine now is, Dw comes home, sees a minor mess (some dropped water on floor, a few crumbs) gets snarky with my son, he in turn gets defensive and starts showing an attitude. I feel stuck in the middle. I don't know what to do anymore. It is to the point I almost hate being at home. I have tried to get her to stop nitpicking everything and to ask him to clean up his messes nicely, for him I have asked to try harder to make fewer messes. Neither seems to be trying hard to change. I am more frustrated with DW since she is an adult and should have more control.
Over the years it seems they have spent so much time hurting each other, I don't know how to stop the cycle. Both are themselves good people. My son has a good heart and protective even of Dw but won't show it or tell her any more. Wife loves ss, or she would not have helped so much with his private school needed for his education. I know they both care about each other but they won't show it. I have almost no peace at home any more with my family and have started to distance myself from both of them. Please, any thoughts or advice anyone can give would be appreciated!!!!
85% of adhd children grow out
85% of adhd children grow out of it. Executive order function is a fancy name for ADD.
Sounds like a typical teenage boy in house lacking serious communication.
You need to talk to your wife and figure out what's going on and come to a solution. If you don't like the micromangagement then tell her your feelings. Talk to your son about his responsibilities in the household. Also a man to man talk about what is expected now that he's almost an adult.
I cannot stress enough to talk, talk, talk, talk. Get everything out on the table. You'd be AMAZED how calm everyone is after everything's out on the table.
source: I have 3 kids--17 yeard old had ADHD, etc, etc, etc. Heck yes he's manipulative. He's a teen!
If what I'm reading is
If what I'm reading is correct, your philosophy is polar opposite from most thought here?
My son is disciplined and I
My son is disciplined and I handle that in the household. I'm big on taking responsibility for your actions. At the same time, my son does have ADHD and I do believe my wife is being too hrd on him with nitpicking everything. With her anxiety she notices everything. I generally do look around before she gets home but I don't notice everything like she does. She knows she is to hard on him and. Admits it but her actions don't change. It's like oil and water. He is ADHD she is anxious and likes order. I feel her actions just make things worse and there is no harmony at home.
OP I'm paraphrasing but you
OP I'm paraphrasing but you said in your original post you didn't know the line between ADHD and being manipulated by a teen. You said so yourself that you have ADHD and you're functioning adult, right? MILLIONS of people battle anxiety and they're functioning.
ADHD is not an excuse unless you make it one. Anxiety isn't an excuse unless you make it one. Do you get where I'm going with this? Now you're making excuses not to take advice--all I said was to communicate.
YOu come on here asking for help and you justify why you're doing, and what you'll continue to do, which is point fingers and bitch about it.
Why bother?
You need to speak with your
You need to speak with your therapist on behavioral management. For example when your wife comes home from work and she sees something that's a mess, to walk away from it and calm down before addressing it like an adult, or speaking to YOU about it so you can clean it up.
Being snarky is never a good way of communicating but for some reason, people who do not have good communication skills or communication role models resort to that especially when they are anxious or uncomfortable. A good way to fix that is to give them skills to help improve their ability to communicate as well as skills to detach from negative feelings.
We do talk, almost daily. We
We do talk, almost daily. We go to family therapy, my son also has individual therapy at his school. Both Dw and son they will work on things, but there isn't follow through. Neither will change there way of doing things. I am out of ideas. You can't force other people to change.
Quail, I did not mean anything negative towards you if you read something I said that way. I'm just trying to point out that I have done the standard things. I try communicating my feelings, we do family therapy, there are consequences for actions. This is why I feel so desperate. The therapist has suggested my wife take a time out to calm down, she does not follow through, if I remind her then she starts getting snarky with me. My son is always apologizing and I have many many long conversations with him trying to get him to understand his actions. He has been sent away for a time to a camp for kids with special needs, he has had almost everything removed from his room. We have tried rewards as well. His school has improved , he went from c and d to a and b, he still sneaks stuff, especially food into his room and he snuck one of our spare internal house keys to get on xbox when he's not allowed. He lies about it as his first instinct. He makes messes but really nothing that deserves to be harped on all the time. He should not be sneaking, nor living and he should be more. Respectful, at same time, I feel my wife should also be respectful of him and not to always want to exclude him from everything.
Also, yes I am ADHD to an extent but I have overcome it mostly because I have had the will power to do so. Sadly, I feel that neither my wife nor my son have the will to overcome their issues. I have told them that to really change they have to WANT IT more than anything. It has to be iMPOrtANT to them. I have not yet found a way to make them feel that changing is important enough.
As soon as a kid is stamped
As soon as a kid is stamped "Special Needs" it seems things start to get worse. For one thing the kid starts to believe it. Most of what you're telling us about the kid seems normal teen stuff if not all of it. Doesn't every kid leave messes? Sass back to some degree? Clumsy? Doesn't see consequences? Avoids work? Intelligent but won't apply himself - lazy? Their brains are still works in progress did you know that? He won't be finished until about age 25. Sounds just like me and they told me I could get better grades. No kidding what kid couldn't?
He's getting good grades. Lets leave him alone other than the usual clean up after himself, enforce study time and keep that xbox under a new lock and key. Routine 16yo stuff.
Your wife sees a mess - a pile of cracker crumbs where he ate a snack when he came home from school and tells you about it. Make him clean it up. What's unusual about that? She's keeping him at arms length. Most mothers do when boys become biologically men.
That leaves you. Oh oh. You've mastered all the things that are wrong with these two. Little messes don't both you. Most men feel the same way - in fact big messes don't both us. You've succeeded despite your ADHD stamp. Well let give the kid a chance and most likely he'll do the same. Let him stumble along the way like your parents did for you. Yes FOR you - its a favor when you let a kid stumble that's how they learn. What I suggest is that you intensify your counseling to find out why you need to cure what seems to be relatively minor and normal "problems". Your home is never going to be perfect, none are and you're no exception. Let this stuff go and maybe everybody will be happier - even you.