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A court proceeding that DH didn't know about!

RisingtheWave80's picture

So after the last incident where DH and I got into because I reacted badly to a text from SD we made a lot of promises, I would do my best not to do something that will make him defensive and he will have patience with me knowing that as much as I want to not deal with SD, I still have concern over her, I am still emotionally invested (trying not to be) and my overall concern is making sure that DH is taking care of his own mental health.

Last week while we were camping, SD sent DH a text- "Are you going to be at the court today?" and he had NO idea what this was about. He had just received the psychologist evaluation of her all of her assessments and thought this was about bringing the boy who sexually assaulted her last year. No word from BM when he text her. So we get back from camping when he has a chance to review his emails, the evaluation, and connect with BM.

Apparently the court date was to bring SD to court because she missed so much school last year (50+) days and 100% failed all her classes. The original idea was that she would attend the summer program at the Therapeutic School and then be progressed to 9th grade in that school. She NEEDS this school and even the evaluation stated this. She needs the emotional support, last year she utilized the guidance counselor for HOURS per day because she just couldn't get through school. She has been on medication (Prozac) for 4 months now, so maybe her anxiety is getting better but then I remembered the kid is just an asshole and anxiety was more of an excuse to not do what she was suppose to do than the actual issue. She has refused the summer program all summer, because he has anxiety attacks about going there.

Well somehow this court case happened without DH being notified and the end result was that SD will attend the regular high school for 45 days to have the evaluation completed to see if she actually needs the services the therapy school offers. DH and I are baffled we 100% believe this is what she needs, she needs the daily therapy, she needs to be held accountable and here is ONE more thing where she can do as she pleases and STILL comes out on top. How can the school system justify sending her to 9th grade, let alone to the regular school. I think they are just trying to move her along until she turns 16 and quits (because that is the future) But if they think they will be able to move to her the therapy school after the evaluation they are fooling themselves.

All of this without DH being notified, while SD has not been in our home since May 19th, he is still a VERY active parent, he is contributing more than just money but LOTS of time with the school and other entities trying to get his daughter the help she needs, he is not an absentee father but we are fairly sure that BM wants that to be the case and most likely told the school not to bother with him or something. BM wants him to back out because that means she has someone to blame for her lack of parenting.

He is overwhelmed, he sent emails to the school district, the counselor, the therapy school and CC'd BM on them because if she is lying we will find out soon enough what else she may be planning. He then plans on going to the court with the CO to ask why he wasn't included or notified? When he has BM she said "The letter came on a Friday for a Monday court date, I thought you got the letter too" she didn't even touchbase with him about it over that weekend which means she didn't want him there. He said when something like moving houses or court dealing with school he is expecting she will tell him. Dumb Ass BM responds "If you want to know just call and ask" so he replies "So you want me to call you every single day and ask- have you moved, is there any school issues, medical issues? because I will" and she shut the hell up.

Why does this woman under mean EVERY good intention and move that will help her daughter? I told him he needs to keep filing contempt on her because she keeps making unilateral decisions which isn't compliant with the limited CO they have. DH feels like the courts will keep letting him down, that they just say fuck you to fathers and that pathological lying BM has convinced the world he is the devil.

Sorry just venting, this is all so much all the time. My heart breaks for DH.



tog redux's picture

BM doesn't want her in the therapeutic school because there, she will be held accountable for her parenting, or lack thereof.  So she didn't want DH at the court date to argue that she needed this school.

This is par for the course for a HCBM.  They want to look like good parents and will undermine/fire any therapist who tries to hold them accountable. 

I don't know what DH can do here, because with a BM like this, where there's a will there's a way.  But I do know that you can still work on your IDGAF, which helps a lot.  Please repeat to yourself that you didn't cause this, can't control it, can't cure it.

justmakingthebest's picture


In our case SS was put on an IEP for things he didn't have- like dyslexia. He has never seen a professional or diagnosed, yet, BM got that through without DH even knowing. It wasn't until some serious digging that I even found out about it. We were livid and the school refused to take it away even though there was no documentation that he has it. Just BM said so, so she must be right! What kind of mother would lie?? Ugh... a lot of them apparently! 

I agree that your SD is just being pushed through until 16 when she get's dumped or drops out. It is very sad and you and your DH are helpless in this. I am so sorry, just remember that you don't need to take her in once that happens! Stand strong! Push for emancipation so you can stop the CS too!  

RisingtheWave80's picture

I cannot understand how this happened. I mean how could the school system in good conscious look at this kid and say- just move her along. BM has tried to convince the school that daughter should be Special Ed/Have an IEP/and that she has medical conditions she doesn't have and we know this because over the years DH has been the one who brings her to endless doctor appointments because SD is a hypochondriac but I blame that on her mother for always looking for excuses for her daughters behavior.

justmakingthebest's picture

I am SURE Bm blamed events that never happened, promised that she would personally make sure she was on that bus every day- Even change her work schedule if she had to! Please, please let my precious baby girl move up, it will crush her if she doesn't even though she missed so much school and is going to fail anyway! 

Ispofacto's picture

"how could the school system in good conscious look at this kid and say- just move her along"

Because brats like SD are disruptive to the entire school.  They cause drama all day for the teachers, and corrupt the other students.


Rags's picture

Hey, someone has to be night manager at the convenience store.

I am all for separating toxic kids from the mainstream education environment. Kids who are consciously behaviorally disruptive to the rest of the students and are time sucks for teachers have no business in mainstream schools.

I am not talking about special needs kids. They should have every support possible.  But the toxic crotch turds need to be shelved away from the other students in an environment where their crap does not pollute the good kids, waste the time and resources of teachers and schools, and minimizes the negative impact these kids have on the community.

IMHO of course.

RisingtheWave80's picture

DH is very honest about his own kids.. He always says "The world needs dishwashers" about SD. It isn't for lack of trying on his part, every good deed and act he puts forth, bust his ass to make happen, BM under means him. EVERY SINGLE TIME

Harry's picture

With kids in the same class. So kids have to be moved along.  How would you like a 12 yo in the same class with your 9 yo.  You would not.  When there nothing that can be done with a child, as in your  SD case.  Both BM and SD fight everything. The school basically disengage with the child, and just moves them along.  The more the child is home sick the better it is for the school. And everyone at the school still gets there paycheck 

justmakingthebest's picture

That's what alternative schools are for. She is in high school now though. As a freshman I was in classes with Seniors. Electives, foreign language. My son will be that way with Math right off the bat since he is taking Algebra 2 in 8th grade. When he goes in for Trig, he will be one of the only young students in the class. 


RisingtheWave80's picture

That isn't even an issue she is one of the youngest kids in her class, she will turn 14 this week before entering school. She won't be 15 until AFTER her 9th grade year.

RisingtheWave80's picture

I did suspect they are just trying to wash their hands of her, there is NO way the middle school wants to deal with her again, the last interaction with the principal DH had he said he could tell that he was OVER IT. This was a daily thing for that school dealing with an unruly, rude, defiant kid.


Thumper's picture

The How can this can there be a court hearing and dh didnt know? How can BM get away with how how???


You have one of those bm's who wont tell you anything until it comes out by someone else. Think camping trip text. Those bm's usually say "oh, I thought you knew...Oh I  didnt think you cared...Oh, I thought I told you...Oh, ummmm uhhhhh I made a mistake. Oh,,,you didnt seem interested in kid since you never call me.

Step further...Lets say she is court ordered to keep YOU up to date. You can forget about it.  She never will because your dh is nothing and she is the single mom  hero, not you.

Sorry about this. it is very common. PLEASE tell your dh that he is not the only one. Lawyers know it, and family courts know it too.





tog redux's picture

Yes, and also, she wants to have control over everything, so no better way than to make sure DH is not present. 

Rags's picture

Sadly, schools these days are rarely in business to educate kids.  They are in business to provide pay checks for many people who could not otherwise get a job.

The days of the focused strict education environment are over. Schools are all about rewarding existence rather than performance. At least for many of the kids who have idiots for parents.

Your SD qualifies.  BM is an idiot.

Good luck. I hope DH can get this aligned, smack BM around for her sneaky crap, and get this kid what she needs to be a viable adult.

notarelative's picture

If BM and DH (they are both parents and both get blame here) had done what they should this summer SD would be at the therapeutic school. They toured. She didn't. The school was open, but they didn't ensure that the paperwork was done. They just assumed that when SD was ready to attend there would be a place for her.

Now the school has to place her somewhere until the IEP is done. They've placed her in ninth grade. Reality is that it doesn't matter which grade she is in, 8 or 9, she isn't going to work at the regular school. She needs to be registered somewhere to get the IEP done.

If DH wants to know what is happening now, he needs to be proactive. He needs to call the school and speak to whoever is in charge of the URL  process. He needs to tell that person he wants to be notified of meetings. He needs to be sure that his contact info is correct. Then he needs to send the person he talked to a letter restating this. He knows he cannot rely on BM. (And he needs to realize that whatever BM and SD told him about court may not be the complete truth.)



notarelative's picture

You are correct that he could not force her to go. But, if the correct paperwork was done the school would force her to go according to a previous post.

If  SD refuses to go to school, they will send someone to get her

BM and dad toured. BM said no to summer school and DH went along assuming that in the fall she'd be there. However, my suspicion is that BM threw a wrench into the paperwork and dad didn't check. Now, the result is that daughter is at regular school until the paperwork (IEP) is complete. 

Dad needs to keep in top of this if he wants SD to attend this school. He needs to be proactive in calling to be sure things are progressing and finding out about meetings.

I also suspect that BM was not honest about the court date. I suspect the judge, in addition to daughter's school year absences, was not happy that the child was not signed up for the summer program and that the URL has yet to be written.


RisingtheWave80's picture

All the work to get her into the therapy school was done, by DH not BM. She won't qualify for an IEP, she had a battery of test and it was determined she has emotional needs that the therapy school could assist with but as far as academic/intelligence, SD scored very high on her ABILITY to do the work just her anxiety, emotional issues (the ones she spent hours in guidance for daily) need to be handled and the regular high school cannot do that.

DH has done ALL the work, that is why its baffeling that a court date was set up and he wasn't notified. He is in deep with the schools, on all the emails etc. But this is the story of BM pulling a fast one, I am sure the stories will not match up when we see what the school system says versus what BM says. There hasn't been ONE thing leading up to this that DH hasn't either ran with or managed because BM is incapable of being a productive member of society herself. As far as we knew she was to go from the summer program into the therapy school for this school year, that was the plan, that was in writing and it all just changed without him having any knowledge of it. He is not a lazy man by any means.

RisingtheWave80's picture

originally the therapy school said they could conduct the evaluation during the summer, then they said they would complete it once she started at the school in the fall, then BM pulled this crap.

RisingtheWave80's picture

Also she was signed up for the summer program but refused to go every single day. The therapy school told BM to start driving her there daily and maybe one of those days she will get out of the car. But in BM's house anything goes, SD runs that house. So there was no consequences for her refusing to go, so why would she? Instead SD hung out with her friends and got high.

Harry's picture

BM makes no effort to help her DD.  They set up summer school for SD, BM did not let her go. You may want to wast your time. Most people have other things to do.  You can not do more then the parents.  That what the school is saying.  The parents don’t care, so why should other people care.??   

You are the only one who is careing.  You have no control or power over this,  This is a train reck in the happing.  SD will drop out of school, BM will get ??  The right to screw up DD for the rest of her life.   You have to disengage, all you are doing is giving your self a heart attack.  You will be dead they will go on there merry way

RisingtheWave80's picture

Working on the disengaging. I no longer help DH with wording his responses or pushing him to do more than he is ready or willing to do. He is feeling defeated and walked all over so I try to support him. I am still emotionally connected to SD even if I resent her for what she is doing to the man I love. It's baby steps for me to get there, it's not all or nothing no matter how hard I try.