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Cannot stand my 18-years-old stepson anymore

JC0303's picture

At first, sorry for my English, this is not my first language.

I and my husband were together for 4 years and have 1 kid together, 1 on the way. Before my stepson was living with his mom and just visit his dad sometimes, then he and his mom fought and he moves in to live with us. He finished his high school and want have 1 year off, so I and my husband were ok. Then he is staying at our house, always having party, smoking weed in the house and let friends staying over all the time. His friends have no respect at all with us, steal our food (and I can say we really in hard time right now because I'm jobless and my husband’s business isn't good either this time, and we have 1 kid 6 years old, 1 toddler and 1 on the way and my stepson) and even when we asked his friend out after midnight, they ignored it and acting like we are not there. My stepson has do nothing in the house, just playing game, party and smoke weed even I talked to him like 100 times that I don't comfortable with that, but he cut it for a couple days and then back to smoke in house again. Like when we put the rules about no friends stay over night and after midnight that everybody need out, he did that for the couple weeks then tried to sneak his friends in when we went to sleep. I don't like his life style because I have kids still very small at home and that’s not good lesson for them to learn, also weed isn't good for them either. And he’s lazy too, he doesn't clean up his own dishes, don't do his own laundry, and he always threw all his dirty laundry all over his room and laundry room, even after he cooked, he just put everything outside the fridge and put all dirty dishes all over the kitchen for me or my husband to clean up after him. But worst is, my husband too spoiled him and don't dare to say or do anything, he kept saying that he will talk to his son but everything he did is send his son a message via phone. Everytime I talked to him about his son then we just end up fighting. My husband is really nice man, and I really love him so much but I cannot handle his son lifestyle anymore and I don't want my kids live like that. I really don't know what to do Sad My due date is coming and I don't want my newborn baby living in the house full of teenagers smoke weed everyday, and strangers (his friends) come in come out whenever they want even at 3 am like this. Really need an opinion Sad Thank you!!

MoominMama's picture

Your husband needs to tell his son to get out of your home. He is not keeping to your rules he has been warned but he ignores you. He is an adult. He needs to sort his life out and if he won't then he needs to go back and sort out his problems with his mother. I suspect that she had the same problems with him as you do.

Your husband has to be the one to deal with his son. I don't know how you get him to do this as it seems he is too weak to stand up to his son and i suspect his son knows this and is taking advantage of it. I hope someone has some advice for you as to how you can get your husband to deal with this.

Rags's picture

So, call the locksmith, re-key the locks, and don't let this POS kid back in.  No more discussion, no more tolerance, just do it and do it now.

This may give your DH clarity that you are not to be messed with on this.  The younger kids get their turn to be 6yo,  a toddler and a new born without criminal POS people interfering.  The oldest has had his turn to be 6yo, a toddler, and an new born.  He should  not be allowed to ruin it for his younger siblings.  And... it is  your responsibility and your DH's responsibility to protect the interests of the minor children.

Protect the young ones, let the POS older one rot in the gutter where he belongs.

Your English is excellent by the way. 

 

JC0303's picture

Yesterday night after we kicked all his friend out and went to sleep, he sneaks his friends in and smoke weed in our basement (again). That’s over my limit, so I talked to my husband that I cannot handle this anymore, and this is not fair for me and younger kids so I give him one last chance to solve his son problem or he will need choose. If he wants to keep his son then me and kids will move out. I don't know what my husband will do but I feel like this is my only way to get out of this. Hope he’s smart enough.

Btw, thank you for all your opinions, that’s help me a lot :) 

MoominMama's picture

You are welcome Smile and good luck, I hope your husband realises that it is time to take action. Come back and let us know how it goes.

Ispofacto's picture

Pfffft.  Call the cops next time.  No one is allowed to use drugs in your house.  Don't warn them, let them see the cop coming down the stairs.

JC0303's picture

Here is me again. My husband just coming with a new idea about how to deal with his son, that’s he will buy an old trailer (and he already looked up for 1 with 500$ on the internet) to put at our backyard for his son & friends can come there party and smoke but not bother me. Honestly, I don't like that idea either, I’m feeling like he just trying to find the way to not face-to-face with his son. Because last time I told him that if he doesn't want to do anything, then I’ll the one who stands up and put the rules for the house now, and if his son isn't following my rules then I’ll kick him out, and my husband agreed with that but then now he come up with this ideas. 

We had a little fight because that, I said he is too spoiling his son and then he told me to stop jealous of his son. He said this is a genius idea and 100% people here will agree with his idea (I come from another country, Asia - so you guys can know that my country is very traditional and hard, and kids don’t act like this, and this is not the way I was raised too). And he said his son’s lifestyle is a normal lifestyle here and 90% people here live like that and parents here never give a s*** about that, as long as they don’t damage the house. He said just different culture with where I came from. Is that true?? That I’m too hard & his idea is good idea to put the trailer at our backyard for them to party there and his son just come home to sleep? I’m really tired of fighting over his son again & again. Just want to end it! 

Thank you for opinions!!

Merry's picture

This is NOT a cultural thing. That your husband is trying to play mind games with you so that his miserable son can do whatever he wants to do is pathetic. Your husband is a lazy parent. But trying to trick you by making this a cultural thing, well, that's a deceitful lie. Pretty sure I'd be figuring a way out of there because he's telling you that his son's comfort is more important than yours and the minor children.

Your husband is enabling his son, pure and simple. The most likely progression will be that he'll try more potent drugs than weed, develop an addiction, then you will be into the cycle of him stealing from you too. Because that's what addicts do. I'm not exaggerating or being dramatic -- that boy is all but lost because his dad won't be a decent parent.

StepUltimate's picture

Sounds like your husband is trying to manipulate you into going against your instinct. It is 100% not true that 90% of kids/teens in the U.S. live that way. By even saying that, your husband sounds like an immature, self-centered child: "But mom, EVERYONE ELSE is doing it!" 

Who wants a pack of partying stoner freeloaders lounging at their home or on the property? Even worse, who wants their "man" to not even be man enough to discipline, correct, and give consequences their own son? What does your husband want - for the son and son's stoner friends to think hubby is cool? NEWSFLASH: they'll just think your husband is a useful chump (a fool who they can use). Why doesn't your husband respect your feelings and discomfort MORE than he's afraid to tell SS to relocate his party to an entirely different venue? 

Count me out of the "100%" who should be impressed with your husbands idea. Also ask him where SS and the stoney friends plan to go to the bathroom, what they plan to eat and who will be preparing food and doing clean-up afterward? If SS doesn't keep his own room & laundery clean (guessing here, based on my own SS18 habits), why would your husband think he'll respect the trailer ON the property any more than when he's IN the house?

JC0303's picture

And we’re at hard situation about money now, I also don’t want he spend 500$ just for his son can have a place to smoke and party. My house rules just No smoke in the house, No friends stay after 12 am, No friends sleep over without asking, After 12 am then need keep quietly for another can sleep, Ans his son need to clean up his own mess after he cooked, eat, basement bathroom where he using... And keep my house clean (laundry room...). And my husband said my rules are too much and I’m trying to prison his son. Is that too much for my rules?

StepUltimate's picture

Ask husband if he thinks employers, neighbors, landlords, mortgage companies, etc., will be happy to support his son's rule-breaking partying ways, or if he thinks his son needs to learn that life comes with rules and you better learn how to follow some of them. 

Sorry your husband is failing his wife AND his son by not only letting the disrespect continue, but also for teaching his son this is okay.

Harry's picture

Nothing  wrong with not want SS to smoke in your home, or not have friends over after 12 am.  Nothing wrong with wanting to get a good night sleep. I would want them out early then 12 on a weekday,  nothing wrong for SS to clean up after himself. 

But your SO will never see it that way . Have to put your foot down 

Rags's picture

If this kid is breaking the law... call the police. Then it is beyond your DH's ability to mitigate the consequences for his eldest child.

And your DH is wrong.  I would say that the majority of people here would take exception to what he is facilitating for and tolerating from his eldest.

Tina22's picture

Was  feeling bad over my decision to not live my lazy step son because I predict my life will be miserable, reading your posts reassures my descion. Kick him out,why torture yourself? He's lazy, taking off to do what? Smoke weed? He will be 25 still doing the same thing