Have you ever wondered WHY a grown ass man with kids almost your age is messing with you?

That would be like me screwing my sons' friends. His kid is all of FOUR years younger than you.

It amazes me that women never stop to ask themselves that question. WHY????

PS: Teens are famous for being lazy.

Those kids aren't using you. They are doing normal, annoying teen stuff.

Your BF is using you. He would be hard pressed to find a woman his age willing to put up with what you are dealing with.

My advice would be to stop doing what you've been doing. Don't do their laundry; invest in laundry bags and at the end of weekends, send it home with them to BM's. Don't clean their rooms, either. Shut the door so that you don't have to look at it, spray lysol so you don't have to smell it, and if anything starts growing mold or attracting bugs, throw it in the garbage. On their weekends over, make dinner plans with friends and let their dad sort out dinner and clean-up.

Everyone else *is* right about the age thing. You and your SO are adults and free to do as you damn well please, but those kids do *not* see you as any type of authority figure and it is *all* about the age. And, like it or not, this is totally normal.

I grew up as the child of alcoholics. We grow up to fast. We have to survive that world and we have to take responsibility for many things that really were our parents responsibility. Cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing getting ourselves off to school and often being left home alone. We learn to be caters. We learn to be good girls and preempt what our patents needs or wants would be because there would be he'll to pay if we didn't

Trying to be good and take care of the needs of people in our lives us second nature. Taking a back seat is also second nature. We think being used is okay because we are comfortable with it.

Well it's not ok. You are responsible for this situation. You have treated these young men as you have because you want them and your husband to like you You need to feel loved needed and wanted. You need to feel in control. Of course younger men seem immature to you, but the problem isn't so much them as YOU bring old beyond your years.

You are allowing your husband and his grown kids to treat you as the unpaid hired help. Why not, it is all you know. You are comfortable with it and set it up to happen because it is familiar to you. It is what we were as kids

I am 60 now. I spent my life doing and caring. Always making sure I didn't tick people off always trying to get them to like me I guess. Always the giver never the taker.

Well I have been treated like the idiot I was by my DH and his family. I taught them I would jump through hoops to please them and expected nothing in return. That is what I got

You need to stop behaving like this you need to allow these people your husband especially to be part of a family. Family's work together. A family is where each person pitches in and does their share. You have taken over everyone's role and it feels comfortable and familiar. Let go, let these young men learn what it means to be part of a normal family. Show your husband you respect yourself and expect to be respected by him and his sons. Not used.

Your job here is not to change your husband or his sons. It is to change you. Perhaps read some books on adult children of alcoholics. We turn out pretty low in the confidence and self esteem departments

You are 21. Get this sorted so that you can have a happy life now. Don't wait until you are 60 to decide it is no fun being a doormat and having people you love take advantage of your good nature.

You see all that caring we do, all that putting others ahead of ourselves may be great for others. But it is soul destroying for us. We teach others to take advantage of us and we get hurt when they do.

Your biggest problem may well be that if you don't run around doing all things for all people. You don't like yourself. You need to change that mentality. Our parents had an illness that was not socially acceptable. That did not make us socially unacceptable. That does not make us second best. We do not have to go through life proving our worth.

Don't forget you are also teaching these young men how relationships work and how to treat women. Do you really thing they should learn a woman is to be used this way. Or do you think they should learn that marriage is about mutual respect , about caring for EACH OTHER not one person carrying the load giving all and the other lapping it up. You are a role model to these boys. Be a good one. Teach them to respect women and in particular their wives.

Hi, I don't really know what to tell you in regards to the teenage SKids (mine are only 9 and 3) but I know how you feel in dating an older man... I'm also 21 and my BF is 36. It sucks being so absolutely enamoured with someone but at the same time wishing they wanted to GO DO SOMETHING sometime... or be able to go party with people your age. I don't really have any advice because my life is constantly in turmoil as well but... just wishing you the best of luck. I know how hard it is.

Princess you never had a childhood. You will never fully understand that unless one day you have a child of your own. We were robbed. No ones fault. Alcoholism is an illness like any other and we just found ourselves born into that. There were some benefits though. We grew up to be strong independent women. Remember this no matter what your future holds. You will have the strength to deal with it.

Now know and remember this. You cannot find your father in another man. Please don't do that to yourself. It is futile. I looked to two father on laws for that one died the other let me down badly. We got one dad he didn't through no fault of his own turn out so great. That's ok. The sooner you see that the better off you will be. Trust me on this one. As I said before I am 60 I am the mother of 3 the youngest is 30 and I am grandmother to 4 boys. In the last 12 months the penny dropped for real. I only had and only ever will have 1 dad. That didn't work out but that's ok. I cannot find him in someone else.

Live your life to the fullest. Enjoy your husband but do not enmesh yourself into him. You could have gone to the game with friends. But women like us don't do that. We are too responsible. This man is your husband not your dad he should not be telling you where you can or cannot go. Not that I am suggesting he is. But I think your upbringing gives you a skewed approach as to how men work.

You deserve to have a life independent of your husband. You are not a child. That bring said you are a wife and have responsibilities as such. So hanging out with friends every weekend would not be appropriate. But a football game every now and again. Go for it. You can have both. You are the one stopping yourself. We grow up to be our own worst enemies.

So little chicken now is the time to build your self esteem to be confident in yourself and to know you are every bit ad good and every but as worthy as the next person. Learn to express your needs. Making others in your life a priority and important is absolutely fine. however you have to make yourself a priority and important too. We don't tend to do that. We always came second to the drink so we settle into bring second best comfortably. Then when the elderly or children are involved we just keep putting ourselves further and further down the list if priorities. If you start to make yourself important too you will be fine. Let others do their share. They don't have to do it all but neither do you. Start asking for help. Not demanding and starting world but a can you help me set the table gold the washing do the dishes along the way will help you to become more assertive Look to yourself to fix this. We really are our own worst enemy at times. Just look after you too and you'll be fine. You are just as important as everyone else.

Princess you never had a childhood. You will never fully understand that unless one day you have a child of your own. We were robbed. No ones fault. Alcoholism is an illness like any other and we just found ourselves born into that. There were some benefits though. We grew up to be strong independent women. Remember this no matter what your future holds. You will have the strength to deal with it.

Now know and remember this. You cannot find your father in another man. Please don't do that to yourself. It is futile. I looked to two father on laws for that one died the other let me down badly. We got one dad he didn't through no fault of his own turn out so great. That's ok. The sooner you see that the better off you will be. Trust me on this one. As I said before I am 60 I am the mother of 3 the youngest is 30 and I am grandmother to 4 boys. In the last 12 months the penny dropped for real. I only had and only ever will have 1 dad. That didn't work out but that's ok. I cannot find him in someone else.

Live your life to the fullest. Enjoy your husband but do not enmesh yourself into him. You could have gone to the game with friends. But women like us don't do that. We are too responsible. This man is your husband not your dad he should not be telling you where you can or cannot go. Not that I am suggesting he is. But I think your upbringing gives you a skewed approach as to how men work. I think it makes us afraid to upset a man. Because we both know where that goes. We tend to behave around all men the way we did our fathers. This is not good for us.

You deserve to have a life independent of your husband. You are not a child. That being said you are a wife and have responsibilities as such. So hanging out with friends every weekend would not be appropriate. But a football game every now and again. Go for it. You can have both. You are the one stopping yourself. We grow up to be our own worst enemies.

So little chicken now is the time to build your self esteem to be confident in yourself and to know you are every bit as good and every bit as worthy as the next person. Learn to express your needs. Making others in your life a priority and important is absolutely fine. however you have to make yourself a priority and important too. We don't tend to do that. We always came second to the drink so we settle into being second best comfortably. Then when the elderly or children are involved we just keep putting ourselves further and further down the list if priorities. If you start to make yourself important too you will be fine. Let others do their share. They don't have to do it all but neither do you. Start asking for help. Not demanding and starting world war 3 but a can you help me set the table fold the washing do the dishes goes al long way towards helping you to become more assertive Look to yourself to fix this. We really are our own worst enemy at times. Just look after you too and you'll be fine. You are just as important as everyone else.

Reading your story and the comments made me want to share my story with you. Maybe you can take a few things away from it. Sorry if it is long!

I am 25, and my fDH is 44. We have been together for 5 years, lived together for 4 1/2 years, and he has 2 kids (fSD15, and fSS12). I have been in their life for most of those 5 years. He has his kids every other week --50/50. I do not want kids of my own. Never have.

I am also a child of an alcoholic. (There is a actually a book titled "Adult Children of Alcoholics" that was very helpful to me. It describes two types of people that come from alcoholic parents. One is me, and the other is my brother-- EXACTLY. I would recommend you look it up.) I attend regular Al-Anon meetings to deal with the continuing issues of having an alcoholic parent. I would also encourage you to go to those.

I have a Bachelor's Degree in Accounting, from a very good school, (that I completed while I was with fDH) and have a very good job.

I am not blind to the fact that a lot of women (the majority of whom are middle-aged) balk at our age difference. I also realize that the decision to be with a man 19 years older than me was caused by psychological reasons that DO have to do with "daddy issues." In my situation, my dad (not the alcoholic parent) was gone A LOT of the time (ARMY brat, here) and our relationship suffered because of it. I was probably looking to replace him. I will also share that when I met fDH, my own parents were going through a nasty divorce after 20 years of marriage. I didn't know it then (at 20), but looking back I think I was looking for a "family" unit because mine had been destroyed. I was drawn to the routine and stability that my teen years lacked. I was alllll about playing house.

People gave him a hard time too, when we first met. He heard everything from "You're a pedophile," to "you must be having a mid-life crisis."

Realizing these things does not make me love fDH any less. It does not change the fact that we have a very loving, supportive relationship. He and I joke that I act a lot older than I am and he acts a lot younger than he is. We agree that we are collectively around 30 .

I ALWAYS dated older men, (never this much older, though) and also found men my age terribly immature. I never had the desire to go out a lot (I don't drink, as I think alcoholism is genetic, and to be honest, being around it triggers a lot of anger. I have been dealing with this in Al-Anon meetings. fDH does not drink either). fDH encourages me to go out with my friends and, even though it was weird at first, he socializes with my friends and I go out with his sometimes too. He has never held me back and/or tried to "tie me down." In fact, he is always encouraging me to go out and do more things. He is terrified that I will one day resent him for taking care of his kids and our house.

In regard to his two kids, I realized early on that because of our age difference, I would never, no matter how long we were together, be a STEPMOM to his kids. Do I deal with a lot of "stepmom" issues? Yes. Do I do many things BM does? Yes. Can I relate to a lot of the women on this site? Absolutely. Will his kids ever see me as a "parental" figure? ABSOLUTELY NOT. It's not easy, by any means, and I worked long and hard to garner the respect I have. They have never once pulled the "You're not my mom" card, but that is because I REFUSE to mother them. They already have a mother.

I will NEVER "parent" his kids, and I see anything I do for them as a favor to fDH. My role in their life has been relegated to that of a "big sister," an "aunt" or a "cousin." My goal is to always be a positive role model for them and someone they can rely on. I go to every one of their sporting/school events and if they come to me with a problem, I give them the best advice I can. I want fDH and I to be an example of what a healthy, stable relationship looks like, and I think so far we have succeeded. They are both excited to be MOH/Best Man in our wedding next summer.

BM and I have what I would call a civil relationship. It took a long time to get to this point. We can be cordial and friendly in front of skids. We are in the same room together a lot because of school functions. fDH and I make it a point to never talk badly about BM in front of kids.

My advice to you: Like you said, you can't help who you love. Don't get defensive when people tell you that you have daddy issues, because it is likely you do-- and it's ok. You can still have a healthy relationship with your boyfriend.

As for his kids, at 15 and 17 there is absolutely no reason why they can't clean up after themselves and do their own laundry. If your boyfriend is expecting you to do it, then you have a serious problem there. They do it, or if he's dumb enough, he does it. You do not. Don't ever tell them what to do. Don't expect them to listen. At this point, you are nothing more than dad's girlfriend and their roommate. Accept it. If they are disrespectful, it is on your boyfriend to step in and defend you. If he doesn't, move on. Don't do anything for those kids without him asking you to. You have the right to say no. And you should (at least sometimes).

If you have a strong desire to go out with your friends and be young and 21 (which is totally ok!), then do it. Don't stay in on his account. You'll only resent him for it later. If he's telling you that you can't go out, then ditch him. If it is bothering you that he won't go out with you, then I would again have you reconsider the relationship. He's not going to get any younger.

Don't be discouraged. An age difference is not an issue unless you make it one. My parents and extended family (his too) love us together. My dad, who is fDH's age, loves him, and thinks he is a great guy. I thoroughly enjoy my relationship, and I get a kick out of being a "trophy (future)wife." He takes good care of me, but I also contribute to the relationship. I have a job that could support me if I were on my own.

Chin up. Be smart.
Hope this helps.

Lauren B. very well said. Very well said

Wow, I have 3 sons. 24, 19, and 17-close to you and your SK's age ranges. So, you are just about in the same age range as your BF's kids. I am cracking up at the thought of my 24 yr. old raising my other two sons.

I am absolutely positive they would act like your SK's are if my son tried to "parent" them. Not because they are disrespectful, but because they would feel like, hey you're not actually an adult to me, you're actually in the same age range as me. Can you imagine a woman your age with your father trying to get you to do ANYTHING?

I'm not going to even touch on the age difference thing between you and your BF. I'm just going to say that in my opinion, you're probably not going to really ever be realized as an adult, authority figure in the kids eyes.

I'm dying laughing thinking about my 24 yr. old TRYING to be a parent to my other two boys. It would be quite an adventure.