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angelheart6833's picture

I married my husband 10 months ago. We have lived in our house for 4 years. We moved in with my two daughters and one son, and his son. At that time my kids were 8, 10, & 16. His son was 21.

Now, my son has graduated HS and moved out. Been on his own since he was 18. My girls are now 12 & 14. My step son is 25. My step son is 25, makes 69,000 a year and pays a hefty $100.00 per month to live in our house. He has the MASTER BEDROOM, meanwhile my husband and I have a room so damn small you can't even move in it...there is not even a window in it, because its not really a room. We have a bed and dresser and just enough room to walk in and out. The bed is up against the wall to allow room to walk in and out. His sons room houses a king size waterbed, a refrigerator, a blowflex, a big screen tv, computer desk and chair. He does not clean his room because he is a freakin slob. His Dad does not make him clean it either. Both my husband and step son are in the same line of work and when its muddy and wet outside they come home filthy. My husband will come in the basement to avoid getting mud on the floors that I would have to clean up. My step son doesn't give a damn and walks right in and tracks mud throughout the house and I have to clean it up. My step son has no regular responsibilites in this house..he cooks and leaves dishes in the sink (WE HAVE A DISHWASHER) He brings laundry down and dumps it on the floor in the basement about once a there is about 8 loads! He does not make his own oil change appointments, or make any phone calls for himself for that matter, when he has a bill to pay (and I mean car insurance or a Dr copay or something) because he has no bills to speak of, he will sign the check and give it to me to fill out and mail. I used to do his laundry, make those calls for him, and fill out his bills. I stopped doing this and asked his Dad to not do it either...he needs to learn how to do these things. Well, his Dad still wipes his ass, writes out his bills, does his laundry, whatever he wants he gets! On the nights I don't feel like cooking and we decide to eat out - his son who has more money than anyone in the house thinks we owe it to him to buy his food as well. Why? He is selfish and self-centered, he is lazy and I can't stand him. Because he gets to sponge off of us he has been able to buy a time share for cash, a new truck he paid off in 2 years! and all of the toys in his room.

Basically, I am at the point where I resent my husband for allowing this to continue. My husband thinks I am unreasonable and I should just get along becasue that is just the way his son is. I think its BS. I should not have to live with a grown man (his kid or not) that I can't stand. I have to leave the room when he is in it, because I can't stand him so much.

Any advice anyone can give?

JUST ME IN NJ's picture

I sit in bewilderment after reading your post!!! It's bad enough your ADULT SS is the way he is, but for your husband not to back you up???? And what's with your SS having the masterbedroom, paying only $100 in rent? Doesn't he realize his son is the way he is b/c HE (the father) helped create the dependent, slob his son has become???
I am sure you have voiced your feelings to your husband... but maybe he didn't understand the English you were speaking. Try yet again explaining what the issues of your SS is doing to your marriage... & the inevitable "break down" it will cause if not dealt with immeadiately. If your husband knows anything about parenting, then he HAS to know a united front is the only resolution to this problem. If your SS can hold a job & buy his toys, then he can be an independent, productive adult in the house... which entails being responsible for oneself (i.e laundry, appointments, dishes, food, etc.)
I hope a talk with your husband gives you the results you are looking for. I truly feel for you! Stay strong & keep us posted.

What doesn't kill you, will make you stronger!

Cruella's picture

That is incredible!! How dare your husband allow that! I couldn't deal with it. I have 3 step children and although they are still really young they do their chores and contribute to the household. You are talking about an adult here. Your husband needs to tell him to hit the road. He is not doing his son a service by enabling him.

I am sorry you are going through this. I know exactly how it is to feel powerless in your own home and it is not fair. Your home should be a refuge not a bed and breakfast for lazy slobs.

Anne 8102's picture

Holy fucking batshit! Evict him. And by HIM I mean your DH if he doesn't give his son the boot.

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

Anonymous's picture

I hear you sister...I go through the same crap in my home, only there are two step sons and the father who enables them to be bad mannered, hateful, disrespectful little b@st@rds. The step sons are only there every other weekend too. I absolutely cringe when that weekend comes around. NOW,I leave my own home for the weekend. I come home to a pig sty to clean up while my husband sits on the computer until all hours of the night. I gave up doing that, it was hard because I hate an untidy house..I figure by the time they all move out in two weeks, I'll re-paint and have the carpets cleaned...once their crap is out of my house, there isn't to much that bleach won't clean up.
The ex-wife causes hell any time she can gets the opportunity and after 5 years of living hell.. I'm done......
I've made my mind up for all three to GET OUT !!!!! Once you've made the decision to actually do it..You too will feel a whole lot better....

BlueberrysBaby's picture

He's 21, maybe 22 now and living in Daddy's Master Bedroom?


Before you toss out the dad, toss out the son! If he doesn't have any bills to speak of, I'm sure he can afford his own place - come on!

Have you even talked to your DH about this? Does he HONESTLY think it's fair?

Pull a Gary Smalley empathy trick on him - put him in your shoes. (Make sure SS is not a topic of conversation anywhere remotely before this.) "Honey, my sister is lonely (or something that fits your situation) and I'd like her to live with us. This of course, would mean she gets her own room, we pay her bills, we clean up after her, etc. etc. What would you think of that?"

When he tells you the idea sucks (make sure he FEELS how bad it would suck), tell him, "Honey, that's how I feel about your self-sufficient son living with us."

Blueberry's Baby

stamina's picture

Why? That in itself sends a very strong message about who's in control. Change that up quickly!