I FEAR MY STEPSON WILL BE THE CAUSE OF MY BROKEN MARRIAGE
I married my husband 10 months ago. We have lived in our house for 4 years. We moved in with my two daughters and one son, and his son. At that time my kids were 8, 10, & 16. His son was 21.
Now, my son has graduated HS and moved out. Been on his own since he was 18. My girls are now 12 & 14. My step son is 25. My step son is 25, makes 69,000 a year and pays a hefty $100.00 per month to live in our house. He has the MASTER BEDROOM, meanwhile my husband and I have a room so damn small you can't even move in it...there is not even a window in it, because its not really a room. We have a bed and dresser and just enough room to walk in and out. The bed is up against the wall to allow room to walk in and out. His sons room houses a king size waterbed, a refrigerator, a blowflex, a big screen tv, computer desk and chair. He does not clean his room because he is a freakin slob. His Dad does not make him clean it either. Both my husband and step son are in the same line of work and when its muddy and wet outside they come home filthy. My husband will come in the basement to avoid getting mud on the floors that I would have to clean up. My step son doesn't give a damn and walks right in and tracks mud throughout the house and I have to clean it up. My step son has no regular responsibilites in this house..he cooks and leaves dishes in the sink (WE HAVE A DISHWASHER) He brings laundry down and dumps it on the floor in the basement about once a month...so there is about 8 loads! He does not make his own oil change appointments, or make any phone calls for himself for that matter, when he has a bill to pay (and I mean car insurance or a Dr copay or something) because he has no bills to speak of, he will sign the check and give it to me to fill out and mail. I used to do his laundry, make those calls for him, and fill out his bills. I stopped doing this and asked his Dad to not do it either...he needs to learn how to do these things. Well, his Dad still wipes his ass, writes out his bills, does his laundry, whatever he wants he gets! On the nights I don't feel like cooking and we decide to eat out - his son who has more money than anyone in the house thinks we owe it to him to buy his food as well. Why? He is selfish and self-centered, he is lazy and I can't stand him. Because he gets to sponge off of us he has been able to buy a time share for cash, a new truck he paid off in 2 years! and all of the toys in his room.
Basically, I am at the point where I resent my husband for allowing this to continue. My husband thinks I am unreasonable and I should just get along becasue that is just the way his son is. I think its BS. I should not have to live with a grown man (his kid or not) that I can't stand. I have to leave the room when he is in it, because I can't stand him so much.
Any advice anyone can give?
This is most ridiculous...
I feel for you, this is outright ridiculous......KICK HIM OUT.....he is an adult, and you have no obligation to support him. This may cause a big war with you and your husband. But your marriage should be first, not the SS. I have the same problems with picking up after my slob husband and his two little girls. I don't blame you for being resentful. You have tried to set boundaries, and you are being ignored or disrespected. I am going to try this in my house. They always know that you will enable them and clean up after them....don't clean up, don't wash the laundry do nothing.....do something for you.....it STOPS with you.....good luck and I will be trying the same things .......
Kick him out !!
Oh my god - what is he doing still living at home?? You need to up the rent to a reasonable price. Around $80 a week is more than fair considering he works full time and with a good pay packet. If he is not happy with the price rise tell him to go find another place to live.
Raise the rent!!
If he is on 69K a year raise the rent to $300 a week and then he won't want to live there and if he does thats a nice wage for you while your hubby wipes his little bum for him!!
Catch xx
Sometimes I think this will be me in a couple years
My SS is now 19, I met his mother 4 years ago and it's almost like you described what I imagine could happen with him in a few years. His mother totally enables him to do what ever he wants, he is a slob that contributes nothing to the household. I love my wife very much but the only reason I put up with him is soon I hope he will be out of the house and on his own. I don't think I could put up with the scenario you describe. If thats the way things end up for me, I will be calling it quits.
I hope this does not happen to you.
Well, the situation does sound familiar. I love my husband very much too and it's only my love for him that has kept me here. However, it has gotten so bad that even my love for my husband cannot make me overcome all of the "negative, resentful, mean" feelings I have. As I said, I am now blaming my husband for his 25 year old sons behavior. Afterall, he has and continues to allow it!
I bought a house in my name only...I am closing May 15th. I told my husband when he was ready to cut the strings he can come home with me and my girls.
His son KNOWS I can't stand him and that he is the reason for my "crabiness" as he calls it...but he will not leave just to spite me.
I truly hope your wife does not allow this to happen to her child and her marriage. It is a tough spot, I know.
Good luck to you!!!!
Oh lordy...
This story is similar, but mine was my BIL. He was a 40 year old man living this way in our home. Everyone thought that my BIL was the younger of the two brothers... but nope. He's the oldest, but you certainly won't know it by the way he carried on. Grown man couldn't take care of himself, while my DH was his keeper. Sad.
I say you have to set your foot down, make a stand, and set boundaries. It's time you have a heart to heart with your DH. Take all the emotion out of it, and really talk to your DH calmly about this. I would withdraw from any household duties as previously suggested. I would start to leave little hints and notes for your SS to do things on his own, gradually. He may not really have any freaking clue what to do if he's never been taught, so it may be good to just drop something here and there.
I did this to my ex years ago, because he was such a slob and I was sick and tired of cleaning up after him and his buddies. In fact, all I did was wash one plate, one cup, a fork, spoon and knife, one bowl for myself and stashed it away. LOL. I did only my clothes, and when he realized that there were no clothes... hmm... guess you'll have to do the laundry, huh? I eat out on my own A LOT. The only thing I cleaned was the bathroom, because I couldn't stand that being dirty! LOL. In fact, because I didn't clean the house, I found a box of french fries that had been left in the oven, (oven, I don't know why...) that had been there for months! Hmmm... science experiment? (This during a time when I didn't bother to cook anymore either... our relationship was pretty much threw and I was just buying my time until I saved enough money to move out on my own.)
So, I know how frustrating it is. I think it's time you backed off, let your DH literally handle all the issues, you know cleaning up after him, and don't do his laundry AT ALL. Just take a vacation and only do things that are necessary- do your own thing for a change. And I agree with raising the rent... I'd research the rental prices in your area, and since he's only renting part of the house, whatever the average price is, cut it in half. At least make him pay that much! Plus, there's the utilities to consider. We made my BIL pitch in a third of all the utilities because he's a third body living there using them- water, electricity, the phone, internet, tv... he used them, therefore he paid for them too. It added up quickly. But, unfortunately, my BIL was soo lazy that he didn't leave until finally, someone was um, naive enough to marry him. Now he's her problem! LOL
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
OMG
What can one say! Kick him out is the obvious answer. Talk to him alone and tell him he needs to start looking. Then tell your husband there will be a deadline. As a woman with daughters I would never let another mans son/sons move into our house. I would worry about molestation or something of that nature but overall the whole blended thing does not work. I feel for you but all you can do is correct the mistake and move forward, we've all been in those shoes. Put your own family first and get rid of this bum. and good luck with that.
You need to tell him to go
You need to tell him to go kick rocks!
He IS GROWN..OMG!
This is crazy, first of all he got control of the house because he got the best part of the house, that should be yours
and your husbands room, You dont pay on a house to accomadate someone elses wants and needs.
He sounds like a total slob, you need to tell him your NOT his maid and tell your husband that his son makes enough money to get his own place and that you will be more then kind enough to see that he has 2 months left there at the house, Put out a time frame and stick with it, PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN and tell your husband you refuse to except less then best for yourself and you other 2 children, AND this is not a prime example of how you want your other two kids to live. Telling you to basiclly get over it and deal with it is complete B.S You should NEVER and I say NEVER feel uncomfortable in your own home let alone cater to a grown man that needs to get his own life and is capeable of doing so.
Until then, the next time he walks in with dirty boots.. make sure you have a bucket of soapy water ready for him at the door, Tell him if he cleans it then the next time he'll remember to take them off.
get hard.. GET YOUR HOME BACK!
I'm coming back to this...
Okay, I just had a couple of questions. If you were married only 10 months ago, how long before this have you been dating/known each other. Were you living with him before you got married? How long, and did your husband and you have any discussions about this bedroom arrangement prior to getting married?
Sorry for so many questions, but I just wanted to clear some questions up.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
25%%%%
of his wages should go toward his housing and this is being generous. In the "real" world he would pay that or more, and not have a maid service. He would also be penalized for living like a slob.
Think about it.. if you haven't already he is currently paying a measly 3 hours of his pay per month
Take back the bedroom! Place an eviction notice on the door with the terms of his NEW lease. (Get a legal lease form so if he defaults you can legally evict him.)
1439.00 per month no special services.
1610.00 for the Master bedroom, including special services.
DH may flip, but you are right. I have no clue what motivates DH to allow this, it isn't 'manly' for either of them. He may want his son to be successful, but IS he? Money doesn't make a person, RESPONSIBILITY does.
LOl talk about a red flag--I would never date a guy that still lives with mommy and daddy boasts about how much money he has and doesn't pay his way in life.... Looser ( sorry)
No way!!!
Sweetie, I agree with everyone on here, kick his lazy ass out!! I would start by moving all of his stuff form the MAster bedroom while he is at work and go from there. Your DH has to know how unfair to you this is. Does he even care? If he doesn't like the fact that you deserve some respect, he can hit the road. I have been known to tell my DH. "If you don't like it, see that road out there? It'll take you anywhere but back to me"
Oh Lord, sweetie, something has got to give.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.
Kick both of them out
Both of these men need to be kicked out, one for being LAZY and your DH for putting up with it...
Im with them!
Kick his ass out! That's ridiculous! A hundred bucks, of course he's not going anywhere! You have to do it.