angry and upset...am I over reacting?
I feel like I'm the babysitter, maid, and accountant for this family and that's it some days, and today is one of those days.
I'm so tired of the fact that even though I do more for the kids than BM, I'll never be their Mom. They know deep down what she is, but always choose to see the best in her, while I do all the work and make all of the sacrafices.
I couldn't have kids of my own, so the skids are all I have and I've treated them like they were mine from the beginning 9 years ago and still it's not enough. She pays no support, doesn't do one single drs appt., school function or buy a stitch of clothing, I do it all. I make more money than my husband and their living conditions would be crap without me, yet they just feel entitled. Money is tight right now and the BM actually told me she doesn't appreciate me telling the kids I pay for everything...well it's true and I do because when they are disrespectful to me I make sure to tell them that if it continues it will come at a price. If you can't respect me, then you don't need my money for luxuries...like a phone, internet and satellite which would save me about 200 a month.
Tonight my SD14 and SS13 in front of their father were joking around and went to far...they mocked me, called me ignorant, dumb and stupid...all in fun of course. I tried to let it go and laught it off. AFter a few minutes I came back into the room and told them I didn't appreciate it, it wasn't appropriate to talk to any adults like that, let alone someone who takes care of their well being and does so much for them. My SD argued that it was my fault because I didn't say anything 5 minutes before when it happened and my SS told me I had no right to point out what I do for them and bring money into the situation. I didn't discuss money, but when he brought that up I reminded him that i spent the day with him at guitar center buying a new guitar, that was paid for by me, not his father or BM. They both then proceeded to back talk and their father just sat there stunned. When my SD continued to defend her actions as OK, I told he she better figure out what side her bed is buttered on...she laughed in my face. By saying nothing their father condones their smart mouths and rude behavior and acts like I'm over reacting...Am I over reacting?
I just feel used all the time...sometimes it seems there are so few good moments I wonder if it's worth it.
Hubby and I had a long talk and it's all hard for him to understand because he's their father, he always will be. He'll never know what it's like to be second in line for love and respect.
Your DH will understand a lot
Your DH will understand a lot better if you stop doing things for his kids. Stop taking them to appointments, shopping, buying them extras, etc.
I too dealt with a smart-a** kid who, no matter what I did, spit in my face. I stopped helping her, taking her anywhere, putting any of my money towards anything she wanted, stopped buying gifts for birthdays and Christmas. I just stopped. I let my DH deal with her.
No one can take advantage of you, unless you let them. My best advice is to stop letting them.
Oh I'm 41 and have plenty in
Oh I'm 41 and have plenty in my 401K, which they know about and resent. I try to teach them financial values like saving for retirement so someone else isn't burded by you or specifically so they don't have to financially provide for us. But your right, they do look at me as an ATM and in this economy everything is about money.
>>>My SD argued that it was
>>>My SD argued that it was my fault because I didn't say anything 5 minutes before when it happened and my SS told me I had no right to point out what I do for them and bring money into the situation.<<<
I'n literally stunned that these twerps are actually ARGUING with you. What the hell? Your SD says it's your fault for not saying anything. Well dammit, you're saying something now! SS says you have no right? We'll see how puffed up he is when the guitar goes back to the store.
Money is tight. Close your wallet. It's very freeing.
I think alot of the problem
I think alot of the problem is that I was raised by two parents who aren't divorced and expected us to act a certain way.
Children didn't correct adults
Children didn't mock adults or act rude even in jest.
I was taught to give my seat up to an adult, say please and thank you.
I was taught that until I had my own money and lived on my own I was subject to my parents wishes and budget.
I was also assured on a daily basis that I wasn't entitled to anything.
My parents made it clear that if I wanted to feel good about myself that I should perform as expected or face the consequences.
I wasn't paid for good grades, but I was praised. I was also grounded and chastized for not doing my best.
My husband and the BM feel so guilty about the divorce and worry too much about the kids self esteem to the point they've made them primadonna monsters. No one corrected the bad behavior at the appropriate age and now their must brats.
I commend you for treating
I commend you for treating them as if they were your own. Unfortunately, you see how this can turn out. I agree that the gravy train should stop. You seem to have a nurturing personality. I would consider becoming a foster parent or getting a pet. Seriously. Pets are very therapeutic. My parents treat their dog like their kid now that they don't have any at home (I'm the same age as you). You can fulfill that nurturing instinct on plants, pets, or other children who will appreciate it and you will get so much in return when you see the object of your attention flourishing because of you. And btw, shame on your dh for allowing this.
Your right...oldest child
Your right...oldest child syndrome and very nurturing. We have 2 dogs, 2 cats and an amazing flower garden. I used to teach GED classes at the county jail and i liked it. I'm thinking of doing volunteer work at a local nursing home.
I cut them off for about 4
I cut them off for about 4 months after Christmas and they didn't seem to care. They literally pointed out that what they received for xmas was crap...I guess we'll be only getting bare necessities for school. The guitar was part of an early b-day gift. The girl is getting clothes from Hollister, which she doesn't care for but I'm tired of seeing her looking like she shops in a dumpster.
I think the best thing i can do is cut off their city pool money for the summer. That's where they go to socialize and hang out all summer. Cost me about 10=15/day for both of them. I'm thinking they can stay home and spray each other with the hose instead.
Also, no more dinners out and no soda. It's too hot to cook so we'll be having sandwichs and salads or grill out. I'll bet they have Dr Pepper and Taco Bell withdrawl in 2 days.
Is it bad of me that they've
Is it bad of me that they've all appologized and I dont' want to hear their appologies? If their father has to make them do it, does it really count?
It's a start. At least your
It's a start. At least your DH has pulled his head part of the way out of his ass. He should have NEVER let them sit there and mock you, then talk back to you when you confronted them? Ugh. No way.
But he is at least acknowledging their behavior was wrong and trying to get them to do the right thing. Don't accept their apology tonight. Let them all stew in it awhile and do not cave to their financial requests.
Big deal they apologized. You
Big deal they apologized. You can still cut down on how much you spend on them. You came up with good ideas! In addition to that, you can set a budget for gifts, and just give them the cash since they don't like what you choose for them.
If they didn't care that you cut them off for 4 months, then that makes it so much easier for you to just do it and focus on what fulfils YOU. They're not babies, and dad can manage.
You know, I lvoe this site.
You know, I lvoe this site. I'd go out of my mind without it. Thank you for all the ideas and support. I'm off to bed to hoep tomorrow is a peaceful, better day.
Your H. should not be letting
Your H. should not be letting your kids talk to you like that period end... bio or step. He needs to stick up for his wife as soon as the kids start to talk like that.
I've seen the technique your sd used after the argument (is it a red herring?).. focusing on what you did wrong (didn't bring things up right away) instead of focusing on the issue.. their disrespect. Smoke screen! I had a friend who did this for years. If you call her on it every time with a question e.g. " why are you trying to draw the focus away from what you did wrong to my timing? Not only am I disrespected but than criticized for not handling your disrespect in a timely manner".. (more disrespect IMO).
I think it's great you called them on it and they apologized. I think with kids this age you have to really reign them in and not allow disrespect. Disrespecting authority seems to be portrayed as cool in the media and encouraged by classmates at school. You and DH need to be a united front that disrespect cloaked as humor is not okay either.
Sounds like you are doing a good job of communicating your feelings!
There is nothing like not
There is nothing like not being appreciated is there? Your skids are SO lucky to have you in their lives, Daddy should have torn a strip off them for that display, their behaviour showed a complete lack of respect, on a positive note, bio kids often act like that, not that I condone it at all, you need to tell Daddy that you will not put up with this, once they treat you with no respect you need to nip it in the bud, a shake up is needed here, you are being taken for granted, as for bringing up the subject afterwards, its better to think on things than jump right in, I wish you well.
Having raised step kids and
Having raised step kids and bio kids, first I want to say that bio kids can and do screw up and say or do things that can hurt a parent's feelings. My daughter was good at this. Around age 17, she would be very snotty and criticize my clothes, the way I decorated my bedroom, what I bought at the grocery store, etc. I finally blew up on her and it stopped.
I think it is so much harder in your situation - coming from step children who either don't understand or don't want to admit that their lives would be so different without you.
Can you sit them down - WITH your dh - and explain that you are human and have feelings and that these things they said are HURTFUL? I understand that it isn't about the money for you - apparently they don't get that.
I went through it with my skids too - did all the school stuff, doctor's appointments, etc. when they were teenagers (dragging along an infant and a toddler) - but when dad came home, it was like an "us against her" atmosphere came into our home.
I'm sorry you had to go through this.
We have the us against he
We have the us against he atmosphere here too. I don't get it. My husband is much less respectful of me in front of the kids???? He says he feels like he needs to protect them from me. Which makes no sense to me whatsoever.