You'll just never win...
So glad I came across this website, here's my story.
I am 23 years old, I have a beautiful fiance whom I love to pieces. She has 2 little girls from a previous relationship aged 5 and 7. Me and my fiance have a little son together who is 1. Early on in our relationship i found it tough being 'Mummys new boyfriend' as the girls dad was still on the scene. He never paid for the kids mainly because he never had a job but did take them away to stay over for a night a few times a month (if he wasn't drunk). It was about a year into our reltionship that the dad basically vanished off the face of the earth - kids have not seen him in 2 and a half years. This is when the usual 'my dad is better than you blah blah' started which i shrugged off with a laugh knowing that he was a layabout deadbeat dad, whilst i was working my ass off as an architect technician all week so I can put food on the table. It didnt annoy me at first but as the months past it did begin to hurt as I had taken them on as my own and they speak like that at me - showing no appreciation whatsoever.
When I first moved in with my girlfriend I struggled as the kids would never listen to what I told them to do, misbehave and act like spoiled brats. But when I did tell them what to do 'i treated her kids terrable' talked to them like crap etc etc. No thats what a telling off is.
And when i did tell them off all i got back was 'your an idiot, i wish my dad was still here' how can i compete with that? my girlfriend says nothing, doesnt tell them off. I pay rent for our home, buy the food every week, buy school clothes, take them away to do stuff but nothing is every good enough - days away are just filled with moaning, crying, spoiltness and I try tell them off about the constant whinning but Im the bad one? I used to be the easiest going laid back guy you'd ever meet- now Im extremely irritable and can just go off on one - i was never like that in the past. But the kids pettiness, spolitness, unappreciating style just wears me down and i just think whats the ****ing point in trying.... not bad for their real dad sitting on his fat **** all day getting wasted whilst Im providing for his unappreciative kids who dont want me there, what do i do people? it spins around in my head all day long - can i sort it or do i just walk away? I dont want to lose my fiance over this
Statistically, it can take
Statistically, it can take 6-8 years for all members of a step-family to feel used to one another. They may never see you as family, no matter what you do or don't do for them. (That's the part I struggle with.) But, that's ok. It just means you have to set what boundaries you are ok with that don't compromise who you are. (I'm regurgitating a lot of smart wisdom from a smart source here.) It is ok to stop doing for them, and just lay down the boundary that you expect kindness and respect from every member of the household and get mom on board.
Your fiance made a bad
Your fiance made a bad decision to have not one, but two kids with a guy that was a loser...now, at an obviously very young age, she has a child with you...guess what? She knew her ex was a loser and wanted someone to take care of HER and HER kids financially...period. Guess what? You fell for it and thought she was so sweet and had been done wrong. Now you have a child, whom if you don't put up with "her" kids will also end up with divorced parents, and being that you ARE a responsible man, you will pay her child support...and the child support that should go to YOUR child, will be split among ALL her kids...the same kids who have no respect for you, the same kids that she was looking for someone else to support.
What do you do? Good luck. If you want to stay with your child, you will have to put up with supporting spoiled rotten kids who treat you like garbage, if not? You will get your EOW visitation, as most dads unless you fight this from day one to have custody or at least 50/50 with mom. And of course, since poor mom has "3" kids to support, although two aren't yours, you will more than likely be supporting her and her other kids for years to come.
Sorry, I have seen it so many times...women play the victim so that some poor guy feels sorry for them...knowing they can't support their original two kids, go and have another asap from someone more responsible so they can have at least one guy supporting their other kids too...
Not sure what your options are. I am very sorry. Remember from now on, not all women are what they seem to be. If you have a woman who busts her behind, supports her kids and NEVER expects you to support her, pay 1/2 of anything in a house when it's one of you and 3 of them, then you'll know she's not just after someone to support her...
PS - if her kids are that way now, and she has done nothing, wait until your money is completely drained when the spoiled kids get in trouble and ALL your money goes to support their mess
your first paragraph hit the
your first paragraph hit the nail right on the head - thank you.
I know how you feel. I
I know how you feel. I swooped in many years ago to "save" my DW and her two kids. I don't think that she was really gold-digging, as we are still close and she is looking forward to getting her last kid out of the house, but she is not a very strong parent either. Actually, she is a "friend" parent, and this has created a lot of tension over the years. If I say anything about her kids, I am being "too critical" or "too hard" on them. Also, they have never appreciated anything that I have done for them, and they both idolize their perfect fathers (who are both losers).
The only advice that I have for you is to disengage from you two skids. Your DW obviously will not parent them, and will not allow you to do so either. Just step back from them completely.
thanks paul - I think I have
thanks paul - I think I have disengaged subconciously, they dont try for me why should i try for them? and i think my fiance has noticed this as I get the 'we dont act like a proper family' BS! No wonder - if there not prepared to listen/ behave etc etc im not prepared to have my input (as i said it falls on deaf ears and my fiance usually undermines my decisions anyway)
Yes, this sounds very
Yes, this sounds very familiar, but oh so sad. My skids don't disrespect me, but they do to their dad, and I can't stand them because of it. I have basically extricated myself from the financial aspect, although I pay 1/2 rent and utilities, and my house sale helped pay for new house......I'm just not used to living this way, but I guess I will have too. My husband is bit clueless, but not an evil jerk, and we get along great when the kids aren't there. I' m so glad for this site, because now I don't feel so evil. Put your energy into your bio kid and treat the others like an interesting pet, don 't get too close, and concentrate on your own!