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Struggling to Cope

Jayr's picture

I'm new to this forum and firstly just want to say a big hello to everyone.

I am a 29 year old guy, almost 30 and I have been with my girlfriend for just under a year.

I'd been single for a while before I met my girlfriend and when we met we just hit it off. We have loads in common and she used to make me laugh, smile and feel special. We took things slow and I didn't meet her stepson until about 7 months into the relationship. I always had concerns about being a stepdad but I thought my love for her would help me through it.

At the start when it was her and I, there were a few times she had to cancel last minute because of her son. I get that and told myself I knew this was just part of being a potential stepdad. She even joked that she's probably too busy to have a boyfriend. I laughed it off.

I've met her son for 5 months and whilst we do get on, I feel he is spoiled and bratty. He always wants attention and everything his way. I've approached the subject and my girlfriend agrees, but says she feels sorry for him as he's an only child. The boy has just turned 6 and already talks to me about his dad being better at everything than I am.

I asked my girlfriend to move in with me as she rents and I own my own place. A month has passed and she's never really talked about it although it was brought up, the conversation changed quickly.

In the last few weeks I am struggling to cope. I love my girlfriend but I almost feel single. She rarely makes time for me, I feel like I am doing all the arrangements and in the last 4 months we've spent about 2 days together, her and I.

I'm starting to feel jealous of her son which I know is wrong and I am doubting seriously that moving in is a good idea. I think the reality of being a stepdad has just hit me and I am struggling!

I am beginning to wonder if I really can cope with being a stepdad and whether my own insecurities and jealousy can be overcome. I fear that sooner or later I could crack and hurt them both and recently have considered ending the relationship to save the possible hurt months, years down the line. Is this normal? Can everyone cope with being a step-parent.

I know I am perhaps being selfish. I am just so confused and feel like and awful person.

Thanks for listening and any help, advice is welcomed.

Acratopotes's picture

oh Man.... You are not going to like my advice...

You are 30.... why would you want to start out with a woman who already has a child, you will never be this kid's father, why not find a nice girl, your age with no children and do all the first in life, why would you want to give up the firsts in life for a woman, clearly not invested in you...

Sorry kid, but she's using you for sex and possible money, she's just hiding it....You own your own house, she rents, she's not interested in moving in with you, you hardly see her, I'm sorry to say but I think she's still doing the kid's father....

Read the link below - this might be your future..... please don't let it be, you have wasted a year of your life, stop doing it, go out there and find a wonderful girl your age, with ambition and no kids... (this is what I told my own kid as well.... he dated a girl with a baby and he's only 20.... turns out she was still sleeping with the baby's father and couple off other guys)

https://www.steptalk.org/node/237002

Acratopotes's picture

remember I'm a bitter old SM lol....

but life taught me... love does not concur all, respect, communication, trust, companionship and the feeling of belong is way more important then the love and sex

Pilltock's picture

Hey!

I agree completely with Acratopotes - I'd bail. The potential stepson situation will only get worse (believe me!) and she doesn't sound too supportive of your relationship now - think how it's going to be a few years down the line.

You're young, plenty of time to meet someone perfect for you and have your own family.

I always tell people who are in a lovely bio-family that they should cherish it - they don't know how lucky they are. That could be you!! Hang in there and good luck. (Let us know how you get on!) Xx

Rags's picture

I am in your case aligned with those recommending that you take a Mulligan and find an equity life partner without baggage. It may sound hypocritical for people who are SParents to make this recommendation but .... we have experienced much of the drama and I can tell you that at least from my experience it can work but it is not an easy journey.

I stumbled into a decent formula for blended family marital success. My SS-24 was 15mos old when his mom and I met and started dating. We married the week before he turned 2yo. My bride was the CP with full legal and physical custody for the duration. We did have SpermClan toxic drama to deal with and 16 years of dealing with SpermLand visitation drama but I have always been my Skid's dad far more than the BioDad has ever been. So much so that he asked me to adopt him a few months before his 23rd birthday. We made that happen.

The issues you are struggling with are not unusual in relationships with partners who are prior relationship breeders. The key to success IMHO is the combination of both you and your SO making each other and the relationship between the two of you the unequivocal priority. Kids are the top marital responsibility but not the top priority. People who make their children the priority over their spouse are doomed to marital failure in most cases.

So.... can you and your SO align and stay the course? If not.... find an equity life partner who can make you and the relationship her priority.

Good luck.

Jayr's picture

Thank you all for your support. I've felt like such a jerk and so selfish but you have really helped lift my spirits.

stephm0219's picture

Can i ask what you CURRENTLY like/love about her? List out the pros and cons. As of today, not a year ago. Ask yourself if you believe this trend will continue or if the relationship will get better...its only been a year and you are already unhappy.RED FLAG.

If you want to salvage the relationship, which Im not sure why you would, but I dont know all the intricacies of your relationship, maybe try to bond with her son. Take him out to a ballgame, get your hair cut together, take him bowling, if you and he are strong, your gf may feel less like she has to spend all her time with her son and the 3 of you can do things.

If there is an unsettling feeling in your gut that this situation is wrong, get out now before you do damage to the kid. You are young enough that you can bounce back but he may have lasting effects if lets say you two break up years down the road in a really nasty way, which may be inevitable.

Good Luck, hang in there, there are 2 billion women in this country. Surely you can find one that feels for you the same way you feel for her.

SMforever's picture

If I could start again at 30 i'd definitely choose the no-stepkids life. Your GF is a package deal with son attached. If you don't like the package now, it won't get any better. The SS sounds like he has a father already who will always be better in his eyes, while you stand by paying the bills. When he's a teen he'll be telling you to f off and dissing you at every chance. Look for a fresh start with no skids. You ARE young enough whether you feel like it or not!

Jayr's picture

She told me in the space of two weeks she couldn't come to see me when she didn't have her son was because she had to tidy a cupboard and had to wash dishes the other night. It's these excuses that made me question everything. I've asked her and said i don't understand how stressed she gets. It felt like it was my fault. She tells me she loves me via words but I don't think her actions back it up.

She stays 20mins away and i spoke with her today. A month after the move suggestion and she tried to make me feel bad asking what if she owned her place. Would she expect me to sell her house and move to me as it means moving her son school.

Disneyfan's picture

She MIGHT love you, but that doesn't mean she wants to live with you or spend the rest of her life with you. She is a mother. She has to think about how her choices will impact her son.

It would be selfish of her to move her son into a home with a man who does not like (and may be jealous of) her son. Not moving her child into you home after only knowing you for a year is a good thing.

It sounds like she is content with casual dating, while you are loving for a wife. Cut your loses and move on.

Jayr's picture

I normally pick up on non verbal cues really well, but i guess thats when I'm not involved. I think I've maybe had the blinkers on with all the subtle clues leading up to this.

secret's picture

If she hasn't really talked about moving in, and avoids the topic, she's not interested in moving in.

It seems like what she's saying, when she's joking about hardly having time for a boyfriend, is that she's doing things on her own. You said you hardly see her. Looks like mommyhood is taking its toll.

Be honest with her - tell her she seems stressed lately, and she seems put off by you having asked her to move in with you. Tell her that you want to be there for her, but you don't know how, you thought that your offer would make things easier for her, but you guess you were wrong. That you don't want to pressure her into something like that.

Ask her to tell you what she needs from you, in terms of support. Tell her you understand you're not the kid's father, but tell her what you are and aren't willing to do, to take some burden off of her, so that you can reconnect.

If she seems distant from that conversation, she's over you. Break it off.

Jayr's picture

We had a massive talk yesterday and she has apologized for not showing me any love or appreciation. She says that she can't imagine not being with me and although i tried to break things off with her we are still together.

I am so confused. I do care for her deeply and i do wish i had the strength to cope with being a step dad. She believes if she gives me more time then we can make things work. She blames her self for shutting me out.

I do look at her i do love her and it broke my heart to see her cry. I am tempted to give things another go but i am wondering if i did love her, should i let her go now as i worry that further down the line i will crack with the dynamics of a step kid and only have prolonged the hurt.

Jayr's picture

Hello all.

Thank you so much for the support over the last couple of days. You've all highlighted to me the things I knew deep down and I had tried to suppress.

I ended it today with my partner and it hurts like hell, but I know it's the right things. The hardest part was seeing her upset.

I'm just trying to look forward.

Acratopotes's picture

Good for you ..... it might hurt now but it will pass..... living a lie would've hurt you way more and for longer...

she was upset cause now she has to find another friend with benefits....

Rags's picture

Jay, just remember that the pain of a break up is temporary. The pain of going all in with the wrong partner can last a lifetime.

Now for Rags' three day rule.

It only hurts the worst for about the first three days. Each day after that gets just a bit better until eventually it is only a very rare unpleasant memory. Unless you re-engage. If you re-engage you reset and start the whole cycle over again.

You are moving into day two. Keep investing in yourself and stay the course.

Congratulations on starting your new life adventure.

Acratopotes's picture

Rags :jawdrop: 3 days.... men take 3 days to get over lost love....

oh dear.... 6 pack beer and bottle of whisky is enough for me, and that's just day one...
day 2 I try and survive the hang over, day 3 all is forgotten lol...

or do what an old poster always joked about... to get over one lover is to get right under the next one... Wink

Rags's picture

Acro,

It is a general rule of thumb and not necessarily male specific. And if you count your transition....... 3 days. See.... it works. Wink Alcohol can certainly lubricate the process.

I have also used the done and date (over one under another.... depending on which page of the Karma Sutra you are referencing)method. In fact when my XW moved out I had a date that night. She came to the house the next day to pick up more of her stuff and I had already rekeyed the locks and answered the door wrapped in a towel with my date wrapped in a sheet behind me.

She had nothing she could say as she had been whoring around for most of our 2.5 year marriage.

3days is pretty much the cycle in my experience.... sometimes it can be much shorter.

For me rather than beer or whiskey it was a good bottle of tequila. Though in my more distinguished years I am developing a palate for a nice Bourbon or Scotch or Irish single malt.

Jayr's picture

The advice and honesty on this forum is the most refreshing I think I have ever experienced.

It's given me the strength to make a massive decision in life and it's actually made me realise why I've struggled to find love so badly for about 7 years. I've wanted it too badly, that I always miss the important signals and don't realise that I should put myself as just as high a priority as a potential girlfriend.

I feel a lot better today, sad at times, but when anyone asks why I did it, they just say, "Yeah, sounds like you made the right choice. I would have done the same."