SD vs. BD Never expect to win.
A quick background first. I met my wife 10 years ago when my now SD was only 1. BD was no where around and we ended up getting married and raised SD as my own. When SD was 4 BD wanted custody? I am from a blended family and realize the importance of bio parents. I told the BD that I respect his decision but only if he takes this as a fulltime position and not when it is convienent? Boy, was I delusional!
So now SD is turning 13 and BD is an on again off again pain in the butt! I support my SD in all manners, financialy, emotionally as she lets me, vacations ect... He pays his monthly support which goes to BM as I do not want it in my account or in anything we do. It goes in an account for SD when she needs it for university as I do not expect anything coming from BD.
I was originally quite distraught lately as I do feel used, and frustrated. I have provided SD with a home, family and support for 13 years? BD makes it for about 6 week ends a year and maybe 5 days out of his month for summer vacation. He has never taken SD anywhere for a vacation, and only seems to get involved when he has a girlfriend with children.
Trust me when I say I get Frustrated when she does talk to him or returns from a week end and is all happy and giggles until the door closes and she is back home? The other children are also being effected as she will not include them in her life and they used to idolize her? Now they do not even want to ask her for anything as they know she will not resond?
We live in a better part of town, nice house, swimming pool, lots of room to play and have fun. All kids are involved in sports and are supported in their sports. Music lessons and other extraciricular activities all paid by yours truly. I do not have a problem with that. The problem is that she will not even look at me anymore? No good mornings,no nothing! She sits in her room and reads or practices guitar? I cannot complain about that as she is an A student, but I would just like her to interact with the family.
After reading a bunch of the forum topics I do realize it is about the kids and what they need or are missing. That does not make it any easier! My wife is great although I think she does forget sometimes to realize what I go through? The SD treats her like any teenager does her Mom. I however walk around my house like I am a stranger which I do not take well I must admit. We all are in fact human. I also get upset when I see it effect the family or other children. Sometimes it feels good to be able to vent or talk with other people as my situation seems to be quite normal for blended families.
Welcome:) My own son does
Welcome:)
My own son does these things to me when coming home from his sperm donor's house...it's not something you can take personal though. Her appreciation in all that you do will not come out til later provided you continue being the same good man you've been her whole life. She'll always love her "daddy" no matter how slimey and useless he is...but her appreciation when she's an adult will be given to the real man in her life which is YOU.
Just keep at what you're doing and realize she's a teen...all teens are crappy for the most part
"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
It is hard to know what is
It is hard to know what is generated by the family thing or what is just teenage hormones? I think I am more scared of the teenage hormones? God help me as after my son there are 2 more of my girls to get thru?
I think she is being a
I think she is being a typical teen girl. She is this way with her biodad because she wants to much for him to be a part of her life that she is accepting the little bit that he gives her and she is so thrilled to have it. When you SD is with BD she probably doesnt have any rules that she has to follow so now you and your wife and the mean parents and he is the fun guy. It will pass and as she gets older she will see that he is a loser and that you have done so much for her. I think of my SD as more of a dad than my biodad is. I would call my SD with issues before i would call my biodad. It all evens out i promise. Just keep loving her and give her a little space. Also, remember not to let her know what you think about biodad that just makes the allure of him even more appealing.
Mate I have 3 SD's who see
Mate I have 3 SD's who see their dad every other weekend and despite him not really giving a damn about his kids they worship the ground he walks on. I think girls are always like this with their dads.
StepDads will always come 2nd best when SD's still see their BD's
I feel like I am disliked 24/7 although I have done far more for them than their BD has. In fact I would go as far to say that they probably do dislike me now they have grown up a bit (14,12,10)
It sounds to me that the
It sounds to me that the SpermIdiots are a common source of vitriolic toxic crap for the kids that we raise as our own.
I have been dad to my SS-17 since he was 1yo. As the original poster indicated is the case for his situation, our home is in an upscale part of town, his mom and I are both graduate degreed professionals and provide our son (my SS) with incredible opportunities and support him in everything he tries. I have been to nearly every parent teacher conference, every band concert, football game, swim meet and I coached his little league baseball, soccer and swim teams, I officiated several of the leagues he was in, schlepped he and his buddies and girl friends to dances and parties, etc....
The SpermIdiot nor any of the SpermClan bothered to show up for his High School graduation much less for anything else.
The SpermIdiot went on to have a total of four out-of-wedlock spawn by three different woman. My son is his oldest. My son (SS) is our only.
We have never lived closer than 1500miles to BioDad and the SpermClan. Though I detest the polluted end of our son's gene pool I committed to he and his mom that I would not deny him a relationship with his SpermClan. Since he was 1yo he has had visitation with the SpermClan. 5Wks Summer, 1Wk+/- Winter, 1Wk+ Spring Break. The only visitations he has missed were due to the SpermClan's inability to pay for their half of visitation travel. He see's very little of BioDad on visitation and spends his visitations with SpermGrandMa and SpermGrandPa who raise my son's three younger half sibs in their home after SpermDad and the other two womb donors abandoned the kids on the SpermGrandParents. The SGPs also pay the SpermIdiots CS obligation for our son and allow the SpermIdiot to live rent free in a property they own.
My son knows his SpermDad is a dipshit and his SpermClan is the polluted end of his gene pool. We don't bad mouth them to our son but he is smart and knows that his SpermDonor has no redeeming qualities or character and that his SpermGrandParents enable his BioDad's bull shit.
Though he is a smart kid and knows all of this the SpermIdiot is still someone he has value for.
I believe my son loves and respects me but I am also the asshole that expects him to perform, be honest, be accountable and expects him to become a viable adult and a man of standing in his community.
Someday he will realize that he really only has one Dad.
Best regards.
Well, this is interesting
Well, this is interesting because I have opinions on both sides.
For me personally, my SD was more of a dad than my real one ever was.
However, now having a BF and a SD7, I think that SD often feel like they must compete. In fact, many of your entries talked about all the materialistic things you provided for him, but what else did you do?
Fathers get a bad rep, and most of the time it is because BM & SD are out to prove something. I stand behind my BF and I think that he is a great father, and while I will not trash talk BM, I firmly disagree with how she chooses to live her life.
Sometimes we refuse to see the good in people because that would mean we would have to admit we are wrong.
I have been dad to my SS-18
I have been dad to my SS-18 since he was 1yo. As the original poster indicated is the case for his situation, our home is in an upscale part of town, his mom and I are both graduate degreed professionals and provide our son (my SS) with incredible opportunities and support him in everything he tries.
In addition to the material things I provide,I have been to nearly every parent teacher conference, every band concert, football game, swim meet and I coached his little league baseball, soccer and swim teams, I officiated several of the leagues he was in, schlepped he and his buddies and girl friends to dances and parties, etc.... I was the dad that tought him to use the toilet, read, write, ride his bike, held him when he hurt, cheered him when he tried, tucked him in nearly every night with a bed time story, sang to him when he was little, and I just went with him this AM to interview at a college and at the AF recruiter.
Neither the SpermIdiot nor any of the SpermClan has ever bothered to show up for any of his special days. Not even his High School graduation much less for anything else.
Sure, I provided him with a standard of living that neither the SpermIdiot nor multiple generations of the SpermClan could ever aspire too. But, most importantly I gave my son (SS) my love, my family and have been dedicated to his mom and to him nearly his entire life.
His SpermIdiot has had four out-of-wedlock children with three different mothers. His younger three half sibs have been shuffled between the SpermIdiot and their idiot BMs to ultimately land on SpermGrandMa's and SpermGrandPa's front porch. The SGPs raise them but detest having to do so.
So, I am confident that there is little good in the SpermClan other than my son. And that is because he is blessed with his mother's genes and a stable family and extended family that I have given him.
He has the support and tools to overcome the shallow polluted end of his gene pool. And he will over come the baggage from the SpermClan to become a viable adult and man of standing because his mom and I have given him far more than just material support. We raised him to be proud and to not become someone who blames their failures on everyone else. We raised him to be far different from his paternal gene pool.
He grew to be a caring, giving and supportive young man who can love the SpermClan though he does not respect them. Though I detest them, I am proud that my son can love them regardless of their being undeserving of his love. They have not earned it.
I have.
It sounds as if your BF and Skids are lucky to have you. You have lived the blended family life as a child and bring experience that you and they will benefit from.
Nice teeth by the way. It looks like you floss regularly.
Best regards,
I can relate. My SD raised
I can relate. My SD raised me since I was 4. My BD just came into the picture...if you want to call it that....a few years ago. I can see things unraveling quickly though in our relationship... I sure hope what people say about SD's and step daughters aren't true because I have been there for my Sdaughter since she was 1 and a 1/2... she is almost ten and she worships the ground I walk on for the most part...her BD came back around when she was 5 and has been trying to poison the water since.... It would just be a shame for such a good thing to turn to poop
Op, she's 13. It's not you or
Op, she's 13. It's not you or bio dad.... It's her. That's what 13yo girls do. Hang in there. It'll bet worse before it gets better.
My stepdad came on the scene
My stepdad came on the scene when I was 5. My mom refused to allow me to have a relationship with my Biodad due to her hatred for him-she got his money each month, but bad mouthed him like crazy. In my eyes, my stepdad was my daddy and I have huge respect for him. I went against my mom and when I was 18 I went and found my Biodad-no matter how horrible she made him sound to me, there is always something in a child who wants to know the truth. I found biodad and he's not a bad guy at all, just now we don't have too close of a relationship due to not really knowing each other. I am now a SM and BM myself. My kids have a step dad who they truly adore-he is their daddy. I have never bad mouthed their sperm donor to them and even though he doesn't pay child support, I still allow phone calls and his mom sees them all the time. He can't afford to even take them for visits due to not even being able to feed my girls. My kids are smart and know who has been their for them, but I do know that my DH doesn't try to compete with spermdonor. There's no competition anyways. It helps that sperm donor's mom adores my DH and is always talking well about my DH to them. I agree with the other posters too though-teenage girls are moody and are trying to figure out themselves and are having a lot of changes going on that they are trying to deal with. I was one before so I know how it goes. When I was 13, you could always find me holed away in my bedroom doing my own thing.
Try not to ever badmouth spermdonor to your SD. She WILL resent it even though he is a loser. My oldest daughter (tween) won't even talk to her biodad on the phone b/c he has badmouth me and her stepdad and I still have a lot of resentment for my BM b/c she bad mouthed my bio dad so much. My stepdad never bad mouthed my bio dad and I respect him so much for that. If they come home all excited about a visit, just say "that's cool" and just listen and move onto other topics.