All of what DanielleR said. You date a woman for yourself, companionship, love, laughter. You never ever date a woman so she can become the substitute mother/nanny/babysitter and relieve you of your parenting responsibility.

They are not her children. Imagine watching after a neighbor's kid...would you love them? Nope. It is the same for your GF. It is not, and never will be, her responsibility to love or take care of YOUR children. She must do no harm to them and be polite, yes, absolutely. That's where it ends. It is her choice how involved or uninvolved she wants to be.

The responsibility of love and caring for is on the shoulders of their parents. They already have a mother. You frankly have completely unrealistic expectations and are dating so that you can find a nanny instead of a partner.

She cannot be their mother and if she is telling you this and you want her to stay around, then you do not need to force your kids on her. She is there for you, not your kids; and you do not have a partnership with her in regards to the kids.

If that is not good enough for you, you may need to think about it...but good luck finding a women who will love your kids, like you do; if you wanted that so much, you might have stayed with their mother.

There are women (and men)out there who love their stepkids like their own.

Your GF has been honest with you about her feelings. You have been honest with as well. You have to decide if what she is giving is enough for you. If it isn't and you can't accept it, move on.

I strongly agree with everything DanielleR said. I applaud your GF for having the maturity to know her own mind and express it to you honestly. If you look at it from her perspective, she wants a boyfriend. She needs alone time with you as you are her BF.

She is right that she is not their Mom. Too many divorced guys look for the new woman in their lives to be do over for the Bio Mom. In fantasy, this sounds great. In reality, check out some of the other forums here to see how it works from the SM perspective.

I think your GF is actually putting some very healthy boundaries in place. Now you might say this isn't what you want and that is ok too. However, again please look at other forums here for what might happen with GF2. Not everyone knows what they are getting into and initial enthusiasm to take the kids on can go sideways when the problems start.

Your girlfriend has some good traits. She's honest, she knows what she wants, and she obviously wants to be with you if she has stuck it out in a less than desirable situation for five years.

If you are looking for a mommy substitute then you're barking up the wrong tree. If it's imperative that your girlfriend love your children like they were her own, then stop settling for less than what you want. We see all kinds of desperate women on here but I'm thinking you might be a desperate man.

I, personally, think it's unrealistic to expect a non related female to love your children as much as you do. It's naive. But like I said, if that's what you really want then don't settle for less.

I think there are really two components to all of this.

1. Your GF doesn't need to "love" your kids. She should not despise them and should be able to be around them comfortably.

2. However, you both need to get on the same page with how your relationship will progress going forward. Do you want to be married? If you want to live together, how will that match up with your "kid situation"? When you say you want her to love them, are you saying you want her to help you take care of them and parent them or do you just mean that you want her to include them in activities with the both of you? You have kids, she doesn't want kids. You need to ask her how SHE sees things going forward.

As others have mentioned, that's an unfair expectation. Why should she love your kids? If you wanted to be one big happy family, you should've either a) stuck it out with their mother or b) waited until you found the right person to have kids with. I'm sorry if that comes across as harsh but it was your/her mothers choice to break up the family, so now you have to live with it. You can't just replace mom with a GF and expect to be one big happy family. That's not how it works.

I do love my stepkid, but i'm the minority in stepworld. I don't love her like a bio, but that's enough for my husband and I. He doesn't push things on me, and in exchange, I actually enjoy spending time with her. But you can't push this issue... It WILL break you up. She's not your kid's mom, and that's okay. They will grow up and understand that mom and dad split up but dad had a great girlfriend who was nice to them. I promise you, that is enough.

I think when bioparents enter relationships, they try to get their new spouse to act as mom/dad as a way to fix their own mistakes (having kids than breaking up - leaving the kids to grow up without mommy and daddy together) and that's simply not fair to your GF. It's not her fault so stop acting like it's up to her to fix. It's not. She's doing exactly what she should be doing...

Also... You mentioned when she suggests things for "us" to do, it's you and her... not the kids. Is this because you don't make enough time for her? Is it possible you try too hard to incorporate the kids into activities with her? Because trust me, it gets lonely REAL fast when your spouse - who you dated because you like them as a person and want to spend time with them - never gives you any time alone with them. She's dating YOU, not your kids. You should make sure she has time with you without your kids. After all, that's what she's in the relationship for.

On a side note... Other people's kids are often a hassle. I hate to say this because I know it's not a nice thing to hear, but while your kids are a gift and blessing to you, nobody else expect their mom feels that way. They're simply a nuisance to others, even if they're great kids.

Hours old poster. CHECK
Blogs something very contrary to the beliefs of most on this site. CHECK
Poster that never comes back. CHECK

He posted it in the step dads board. Maybe he read all of the responses, that were the same, and decided either we are right or he doesn't like what he read and didn't follow up.

Everyone was a new member at one time and not all new members are trying to screw with us.
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Yes Dear.

Its great she is being honest with you. If she pretended she did for many years and finally told you that she didn't, that would be much harder for you. Just appreciate her honesty and really, if its that big a deal to you, then move on. Don't pressure her to do something she can't do.

Be careful what you wish for. A great many of us here had high optimism and enthusiasm with skids during the courtship. Then we got married and these same little "angels" who "adored" us turned on us like rattlesnakes.

Your gf is smart to keep a detachment between herself and her potential skids. It turns out kids typically like you when you don't threaten their status quo and their status quo often includes fantasies of moms and dads getting back together. So while you're the gf and you're at a safe distance, the kid can enjoy your personality and be fine. But if you scoot in closer and get all super chummy with the kid and do lots of mom things and try to act like a family --- fasten your seatbelts cuz many of those kids are going to rain hellfire down on you to get their status quo back.

So, Brian, be careful what you wish for. Your gf is wise to leave those kids at arms length. And as their dad you might reconsider what you think is best for them, too. Making them feel they have to protect their mom's interests? Or letting them be kids who have a nice friend.

Though I agree that it would be optimal for your SO to engage with your prior relationship progeny the fact is that they are not her kids. This is so because she chooses for them to not be her kids. Her choice. It is the right one for her.

Some people can accept a partner's prior relationship spawn as their own and raise them as an equity parent to their two bio parents. Most are not interested in that level of engagement and that is their choice and that choice should be respected by their partner.

So, you have a choice to make. Move forward with the clear understanding that your GF is not interested in being a mother or even an active SM to your kids or ..... move on. Your GF seems to have made her choice.

Good luck.

I am in a similar situation as your GF, only I am married. When I met my DH, he was all about me being a willing participant in the raising of his children (3 SS's).
What that really meant was, he wanted someone to take over the responsibilities of parenting his spawn. BM was also way to involved and wanted to make sure I was secured as the Nanny-on-call with zero say or input.
I was not up for or willing to take on that challenge.
I had to battle DH's perception of what my role should be, as well as BM's opinion as to what my role should me.

In reality, I only wanted to be an observer...never deeply involved. I had no intentions of keeping DH from seeing his children or spending his 50/50 time with them. I just wanted to be left out of the equation when it came to planning, transportation, parenting.

I had done step life before, I knew what role I wanted and what would be best for our situation.

It took a lot of Drama and years of battles to get it to the point it is now. I think if DH would have listened to me from the beginning and accepted what limited role I wanted to play, then my relationship (and his) with the SS's would be a thousand times better. But he pushed, BM pushed and I pushed back. All while the SS's watched.

Things are much better now (years later) DH has finally accepted and is fine with my limited involvement because he can see WE are happier that way. BM understands I am not a part of the equation for Pick ups/ drop off/ parenting and has left me alone 100%. The SS's are finally starting to come around and see that I am not a bad person and I feel they are starting to appreciate the fact they don't have yet ANOTHER parent to deal with. I am just the woman married to DH who cares about them. They know I would move mountains to protect them and be there for them in any emergency, but they never have to worry about me asking if they have their homework done.

Be happy that your GF is so upfront with her feelings now. It does not mean she doesn't care for your children, but lets face it...they have two parents already. She can be the "friend" or "aunt type" that they can go to. No one said every step parent has to be a "parent". For many of us, trying to be the parent is what ruined the relationship.

Hang on to that GF - she's a very very clever woman, the only reason your relationship is working is because GF is not trying to be your kids mother, she probably read on this site how to handle step hell..

She's not the mother, she never will be, they have a mother... GF is dating you because of you, accept it be happy and enjoy it, your house will never be a war zone... BM does not feel threaten by the other woman playing mum, your kids can never say you are not my mum get lost... you have heaven on earth with a second change