Looking for Advice from StepFathers
Hi, I started lurking on here when I was looking for advice due to a previous relationship I was in with a man who had a 7 year old son. Due to the fact that he refused to parent his son I wound up breaking up with him. I am now in a relationship with a man who has no children. He is 43, I am 35. I have two daughters, ages 14 and 6.
I am posting this looking for advice, reassurance, guidance for my current relationship.
My question is this - is it possible for my 14 year old to bond with my BF? I don’t except him to be a father to my kids, and I don’t want to push them together. I realize it will take time for them to bond, I don’t expect miracles. It’s that I’ve noticed it seems it’s easier to bond with kids that are younger. So I just want to know is it even possible or realistic to expect at my daughter’s age of 14 for the two of them to ever bond?
More info - BF and I have been dating for five months now. He met my kids after two months of dating. I know you may say two months was quick to introduce my kids, but I think it is better for someone to meet the kids sooner rather than later. In my last relationship it was almost a year before I got to get to know the guy’s kid and that was a mistake. By the time I met the guy’s kid, I was already in love with the father so even though in the back of my head I had misgivings, I did not want to break things off.
So I did not want that to happen to my current BF, which is why I introduced them as soon as I did. My kids see their dad every Saturday so it’s not like BF gets to spend a lot of time with them, but BF does say he likes my kids and that they are well behaved.
I guess I’m just trying to get the man/step father’s perspective on this situation. I told my BF I’m not looking for a father for my kids, they already have one. But it’s HARD not to want my girls to have such a positive male role model in their life, one that values education, is financially smart and goal oriented, when their own father is so sadly lacking in those areas!
Here’s the contrast. My ex is not financially smart. He put rims for his car on layaway. He’s filed for bankruptcy, TWICE. He’s late with his child support payments, right now he’s a month behind. My BF has a bachelor’s degree and a six figure income. He’s planning on buying a house within the next six months to a year. His bills are paid on time.
I guess what I’m saying is, my ex is a loser, my BF is not. But of course I can’t say that to my girls about their dad. So how do I promote my BF’s life choices against my ex’s, without being negative about my ex? I want my girls to be financially responsible, unlike their dad. It is so tempting to compare the two of them. It’s SO HARD not to say “Do you want to be like your father? Getting his cable cut off because he didn’t pay the bill but yet has the latest smart phone?”
Thanks for your input.
Yeah, I think 2 months is
Yeah, I think 2 months is kinda fast, but that was your choice.
As far as your concerns and questions... don't push any of it. ANY of it, from either side.
Teens are notoriously difficult to get close to. This guy is just some guy her mom is boinking. She doesn't have to like him. He doesn't have to like her. Chances are likely he's not going to be around forever. It's a brand new relationship (5 months) so it's almost like a waste of energy for them to get close. (Personally, I wouldn't WANT my kids getting close to a man I've just started a relationship with, because when it goes belly-up, they lose out...again.)
Don't try to use him as a "role model" for her. Don't tell her all the reasons why "he's so good!" OR why the ex is so bad. At one point, probably early on in your relationship, you thought the ex was a real prize. (Just like you think new bf is a prize.)
Honestly, I think you're putting way to much into getting the teen and the new bf together. Neither of them have any investment in the other. How many BF's have you introduced her to in the last 14 years? Or since you split from her dad?
I'd suggest you work on being the best role model you can be for your daughter. That's where she'll learn it.
You can point out the good
You can point out the good qualities of your BF without having to point out the bad qualities of their dad. There were lots of times that I wanted to say to same thing to my son but it wouldn't have helped anything. Just concentrate on the good of your BF and as they grow they will see the right way to do things and not resent you for bad mouthing their dad. Just live by example. I'm not an expert but it does seem that girls accept men in moms life before they accept women in dad's life. So just give it time and don't push your oldest daughter. As long as your BF is good to her and shows her that he loves you she will come around.
"I wouldn't WANT my kids
"I wouldn't WANT my kids getting close to a man I've just started a relationship with, because when it goes belly-up, they lose out...again." - Stick a fork you raise a very good point.
"How many BF's have you introduced her to in the last 14 years? Or since you split from her dad?"
Two BFs in the three years since I've been divorced from her dad.
Really, all that I've posted is what's going on in my head. I have not done anything to get my daughter and BF to get close. These are thoughts in my head that I just wanted to post on here to get an outside perspective. And if you feel that I'm moving too fast then obviously I must be, even if it's only in my mind. You've helped me realize that I need to let time take it's course and not be concerned about if they're bonding or not.
Thanks.
Teens are a special breed.
Teens are a special breed. Seriously.
My kids, for the most part, have accepted him and treat him well. They banter back and forth, my older son and DH play on a sports team together, etc. It's working out... but it took A LOT of patience and moving sloooooowly. 
Personally, I didn't involve my kids in my "dating" at all...not until I found the man I knew I'd marry. We were serious, and I think it was a year before I included my kids. No, we didn't move in together. We all took our time adjusting to having him around (and me for his kids.) Was it perfect? Nope. Five years of marriage later, his kids are STILL assholes.
Stickafork - patience,
Stickafork - patience, something I always have to work on. thanks.
@unsure - thanks for your input -
"You can point out the good qualities of your BF without having to point out the bad qualities of their dad." - Good point.
I have a friend whose daughter is graduating from college right now. I make sure to point her out to my daughters as well.
hatemydad - you're right, I can be a role model as well. I'm working on my associate's degree right now, so hopefully my actions will make an impression on them.
I don't think two months is
I don't think two months is too soon at all to introduce him to your kids. You are correct in your way of doing this because if he doesn't like your kids, at least you will not have invested a bunch of time into the relationship.
When I met my youngest stepdaughter she was 17 at the time. Is it possible to bond, yes. Is it likely at that age....probably not.
You'll be lucky if your kids
You'll be lucky if your kids just get along with him. Forget bonding. He's just another adult they have to deal with in their lives.
A red flag popped up for me on his wonderful finances. Why is a guy with a 6 figure income just now buying a house? Make sure he's not pulling the wool over your eyes on this subject. A year of dating should be minimum here anyway so wait and see how things pan out.
During that year don't expect the relationship between your kids and him to be representative of any future relationship. See each other once a month is different from sharing a home where he may consider himself the boss or father figure. Watch his eyes - its one thing to see a 14 yo girl in jeans quite another to see them in PJ's. Buy grannies and explain why they're necessary.
Thanks frustrateddad for
Thanks frustrateddad for understanding why I introduced them sooner rather than later.
OrangeCounty - the reason he's just now buying a house is because he's only lived in this town for four years now and after renting for a while has decided he wants to purchase a house.
Don't worry - I've checked out his facebook and linkedin account - he's legit with his finances. And I've seen his credit report. Really, I don't care how much he makes so long as his bills are paid on time. But yeah, I'm still waiting at least a year to see how things go.
I don't think 2 months is all
I don't think 2 months is all that soon to at least meet. It's not like you're asking her to walk down the aisle with you next weekend and call him Dad. I mean, what would the fear be really? That you'll have sex right in front of them right there on the spot? That they're going to get so hopelessly attached to him after a handful of group outings that they would be heartbroken if the relationship doesn't last? That it's unhealthy for kids to see 2 adults interact together in a dating context (like going out to eat, day outings, going to a movie)? That it's bad to meet adults? That a kid can know too many friendly people? That they find out that their mom is human and spent time with an adult that didn't turn out to be a perfect match? wouldn't that then set them up to think they are a failure if they ever have a relationship that doesn't work out?
As women, we fret and worry too much. I'm terrible about it. But really, you probably need to stop thinking about their potential relationship and let things take their own course, in their own time. If you work at it or force something that is not there, it will fail.
If this guy is great, your daughters will notice. The best you and he can do is to model appropriate behavior, whether financial or on the relationship front.
For whatever it's worth...my DD loves my FDH. Not in any kind of sick way. Just in the genuine way of people who have mutual interests and get along well. I didn't have to do anything- it just happened.
"I mean, what would the fear
"I mean, what would the fear be really? That you'll have sex right in front of them right there on the spot?"
LOL! I know right! I don't know who came up with the idea that it's best to wait to introduce the kids. I understand not prarading a different boyfriend/girlfriend in front of the kids every week, but I don't think it's good advice to wait six months to a year to meet a person's kid's either
I hear people say "me and my kids are a package deal", but you only get to know "half" of the package when you're dating. You fall in love with that part of the "package" and then when you finally DO meet the kids, you're like, WHOA, his kids are brats! But you don't want to break it off because by that time you're in love with the father/mother. And hence the reason for so many forums like this one.
Anyway, thank Mama, for the advice on my daughter and BF. Yeah, I need to stop worrying and let things take their course. And good point about teaching my kids that they're not a failure if a relationship doesn't work out. It teaches kids that they can learn from their mistakes so they don't repeat them.
Thanks for sharing your
Thanks for sharing your story, danni,
and I'm sorry about your stepdad.
Hopefully you'll be able to tell him how you feel before he goes.
it isnt so much that its
it isnt so much that its easier to bond with younger kids , its that older kids wont view him as their dad but as their step dad , or your husband . if you and him remain as a couple he will fill the role as step dad / father figure to your girls . that is his role in your family dynamic . he does not have to assume father responsibility for them but he has to treat them like he is their father figure because he is . he can be " bill " to them , and they can be " samantha , and katie " to him , but as long as you make sure they respect him as a man and your partner , and he respects them as their male role model things will be ok . of course there will be problems along the way , but as they age and he gains their trust and confidence they will warm up to the man he is to them and for them .
as far as being too soon . i believe if you start out choosing to spend time with only people who you think are good enough for your kids then there is no too soon . boyfriends can come and go and come in and out of their lives . as long as they all are worthy of your kids they will all be positive male role models .