No, you are not wrong.

In fact you are entirely right, in every way IMHO.

Your wife needs clarity quickly that your marriage is the core of your family and has to be the priority for both of you. The SKids will benefit from your marriage but they are not a party to it and never take precedent over it. Nor do the BioKids.

When my wife and I married 16+ years ago when my SS was 1yo I insisted on being an equity parent to her and to the SpermIdiot. As you described is the case with your wife, my wife struggled with guilt over the situation of my SS's birth and had a tendency to mistake leniency for caring parenting. We figured it out after a few years. We realized that our job was to raise SS to be a viable adult and we could not do that by coddling him and parenting from the perspective of guilt.

We have not been completely successful but he is a polite, well behaved and intelligent kid. He has decided to go the armed services round rather than college at this time and reports to USAF basic training on April 12th. We would have preferred that he go to college right away but we are confident that he will get there eventually

The key was me insisting on being an equity parent and disciplinarian to my SS. My wife periodically did not like how I did those things. Particularly the disciplinarian part. She and I are partners and we support each other in parenting and discipline of the Skid. But, when she would take issue with how I disciplined I responded with "if you do not like how I discipline then you have better step up and get it done before I have to".

She did step up.

Your wife is a guilt parent. She is doing irreparable harm to her children by not being involved in holding them accountable for their actions and applying appropriate consequence when her children step out of line.

Parents are not their child's friend. Parents are the child's confidante, mentor, advocate and disciplinarian but not their friend, buddy, BFF and for sure not their peer.

As you stated, it is YOUR home. Your home and your wifes but you are the male authority in the home. So, enforce the rules.

If they break the rules for using the Quads, lock the quads up.

If your 18&19yo SD's BFs attempt to stay the night, call the police and have the BFs arrested. Or to make a more significant and direct point. Go to bed one night then get up in the middle of the night and TAZER their disrespectful asses for home invasion. Then call the cops on them and have them hauled off after you have let them flop around on the floor enjoying a low current high voltage lesson. Your house, your rules.

If the older skids use the pool and don't clean it, lock the cover on or drain the pool until they gain clarity.

All of the kids resident or visiting the home participate in the cleaning, care and upkeep of the home. If they do not, then you ride them like stink on shit all the time every time.

A kid that is not on drugs or pregnant is not a good kid, they are a just a kid that is making better decisions than the dip shits that are on drugs or pregnant and is doing the minimum acceptable performance. Since when is not getting in trouble or breaking the law good? Those things are not good, they are expected. Not only expected, they are required.

Good is when a kid makes their best effort at everything they do. Good is when the kid follows the household and family rules, does what they know they are supposed to do without being told to do it. Good is going above and beyond the minimum expectation.

Consistency is critical both in the support that you and your DW give to each other and when enforcing the rules on the kids. Step or bio.

Welcome by the way. I hope you find this a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful perspective from others who are living the blended family dream.

Best regards,

I think wannabehappy is totally right on the money! Kids should have expecations and they should have rules. But how do you help a guilt parent break that cycle or snap out of it? Rags, you make such amazing points that are helpful, but how? My DH is a guilt parent, and it sounds like wannabehappy is also married to a guilt parent. I WANT my DH to take the lead in our house with discipline and enforcing the rules we have agreed to, but he cares way more about his daughters' happiness than anything. What steps did you take to help open your DW's eyes? I've tried several times having conversations that seem to work, but then he always seems to revert. His daughters are very manipulative and know how to get their way...and it is very damaging and descructive to our relationship and to the maturity level of his daughters.

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Have your wife read my blogs about what guilty parenting did to my skids and the resulting drastic measures it took to turn most of them back into viable human beings. (One of the four is still a challenge).

All kids needs boundaries. They all need to hear "No" and accept it. They all need Chores to teach them how to work hard and thoroughly. To not parent them and teach them these lessons sets them up for a lifetime of failure.

I wish you were my husband! I agree with you 100%

Wow, I feel like you are my twin brother:

"Am I wrong to think that kids, step or biological, are not the parents peers"
"Am I wrong to think that kids ,step or biological, should clean up after themselves"
"Am I wrong to think that bfs should not spend the night in stepdaughters room ages 18 and 19"

Wow, these were the EXACT issues I was (still am) dealing with when I became a stepdad. Wife would let SD's bf spend the night to the point where he was living there. Wife was/is more of a friend to her daughters than she should have been. Did everything for them because their BD was never involved in their lives. What is the result of all that?

I have four SD's who never have to take accountability for their actions and who feel entitled. That's what happens when a parent tries to be a friend and pretty much lets her kids do what they want growing up. Sure your SD's aren't pregnant....YET. When I got my married, only one of my SD's had a kid. Fast forward four years, and ALL of them had kids before the age of 20. I have learned that as a s-dad I had to pick and choose my battles. One battle I absolutely put my foot down about was having bf's sleep over. I made it known that it was NOT negotiable in any way shape or form. If they want to have a bf sleep over, they can move out and get their own place. It really is amazing how many single moms out there are okay with bf's sleeping over, it's mind-boggling so my wife of course was no help with enforcing this rule.

I agree 100%. i'm in a similar situation, and tiring of it. SS is away at camp for 3 weeks and comes home tomorrow. Wife tells me he will immediately get in his brand new car that we bought him (he's 16), and go to his girlfriends house. I say "No", i want him to clean his car. He does nothing other than drive it, and i think he should learn how to wash it and vacuum it- and do it right. So what does wife do tonight? She takes it out and washes and vacuums it so he won't have to worry about it. I give up!