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HELP I'M LOOSING MY MIND AND MY MARRIAGE

wannabehappy's picture

Submitted by wannabehappy on Wed, 03/09/2011 - 9:13pm

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Step/Bio Father's Den

Am I wrong to think that kids, step or biological, are not the parents peers
Am I wrong to think that kids ,step or biological, should clean up after themselves
Am I wrong to think that bfs should not spend the night in stepdaughters room ages 18 and 19
Am I wrong to think that if both parents work that kids could help with housekeeping chores
Am I wrong to think that if kids want to use pool with thier friends they could help maintain it
Am I wrong to think that kids could mow the lawn once in a while or sweep the snow off the porch
They say they are good kids not pregnant or on drugs and dont drink and that should be good enough
We have 3 quads the rules are no one not related rides them for liability reasons is that so wrong
This is my wifes and my house why do I feel like I dont belong here
How do I get my wife to support me with issues that I feel strongly about, her ex husband their dad left them for a younger woman and made a new family, my wife feels very bad for her kids cuz they lost their father and therefor lets them get away with whatever they want trying to makeup for the emotional damage that their dad dealt them. i was sympathetic to this for a while but now its time for them to grow up and deal with it and it is tearing our marriage apart. they feel that I dont want them here at all but that is farthest from the truth I would just like to have a feeling that my input as a head of family means something to someone. We have been married for 8 years and I am afraid that we will not see our ten year anniv

manicmom's picture

Submitted by manicmom on Tue, 03/22/2011 - 11:54am

I think wannabehappy is totally right on the money! Kids should have expecations and they should have rules. But how do you help a guilt parent break that cycle or snap out of it? Rags, you make such amazing points that are helpful, but how? My DH is a guilt parent, and it sounds like wannabehappy is also married to a guilt parent. I WANT my DH to take the lead in our house with discipline and enforcing the rules we have agreed to, but he cares way more about his daughters' happiness than anything. What steps did you take to help open your DW's eyes? I've tried several times having conversations that seem to work, but then he always seems to revert. His daughters are very manipulative and know how to get their way...and it is very damaging and descructive to our relationship and to the maturity level of his daughters.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Tue, 03/22/2011 - 11:57am

deleted

no1smaid's picture

Submitted by no1smaid on Thu, 03/24/2011 - 4:47pm

Have your wife read my blogs about what guilty parenting did to my skids and the resulting drastic measures it took to turn most of them back into viable human beings. (One of the four is still a challenge).

All kids needs boundaries. They all need to hear "No" and accept it. They all need Chores to teach them how to work hard and thoroughly. To not parent them and teach them these lessons sets them up for a lifetime of failure.

frustratedstepdad's picture

Submitted by frustratedstepdad on Mon, 05/09/2011 - 4:18pm

Wow, I feel like you are my twin brother:

"Am I wrong to think that kids, step or biological, are not the parents peers"
"Am I wrong to think that kids ,step or biological, should clean up after themselves"
"Am I wrong to think that bfs should not spend the night in stepdaughters room ages 18 and 19"

Wow, these were the EXACT issues I was (still am) dealing with when I became a stepdad. Wife would let SD's bf spend the night to the point where he was living there. Wife was/is more of a friend to her daughters than she should have been. Did everything for them because their BD was never involved in their lives. What is the result of all that?

I have four SD's who never have to take accountability for their actions and who feel entitled. That's what happens when a parent tries to be a friend and pretty much lets her kids do what they want growing up. Sure your SD's aren't pregnant....YET. When I got my married, only one of my SD's had a kid. Fast forward four years, and ALL of them had kids before the age of 20. I have learned that as a s-dad I had to pick and choose my battles. One battle I absolutely put my foot down about was having bf's sleep over. I made it known that it was NOT negotiable in any way shape or form. If they want to have a bf sleep over, they can move out and get their own place. It really is amazing how many single moms out there are okay with bf's sleeping over, it's mind-boggling so my wife of course was no help with enforcing this rule.

Jaybird777's picture

Submitted by Jaybird777 on Thu, 06/30/2011 - 9:35pm

I agree 100%. i'm in a similar situation, and tiring of it. SS is away at camp for 3 weeks and comes home tomorrow. Wife tells me he will immediately get in his brand new car that we bought him (he's 16), and go to his girlfriends house. I say "No", i want him to clean his car. He does nothing other than drive it, and i think he should learn how to wash it and vacuum it- and do it right. So what does wife do tonight? She takes it out and washes and vacuums it so he won't have to worry about it. I give up!