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Feeling like an outsider

OnTheOutsideLookingIn's picture


First time poster, here. 

I am currently engaged to my future wife. Together, we have a 1.5 year old son who I love more than anything. She has a 16 son & 13 year old daughter (different dads). Their fathers are still in their lives, but they live with us now. 

I can't help but feel like I'm the odd one out. I feel overruled, overburdened and sometimes disrespected. 

Both are really good kids.... However, I get almost a daily reminder, in some way, that I'm the odd one out. When we all get ready to go somewhere the 13 year always seems disappointed that I'm going.... I shrug it off. But honestly, it hurts. 

The 16 year old so is a gamer, like myself. But really doesn't open up or come to me for anything. He helps out a lot around the house, which I appreciate. 

When issues do arise, such as lack of chores, my fiancée is almost reluctant to take my side. And when she does, it is almost like she is upset she did. I feel like I'm the one that is always trying to get the house in order with chores, homeworl, hygiene, etc. 

Again, they are both good kids... but I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I didn't realize trying to join this exclusive circle would be so hard. 

I was raised in a fully blended family and can understand a lot of issues, but my child is their half-sibling... so it is different.

Does anyone else feel hopeless and lost? 

ldvilen's picture

Yeah, I'd almost look at this as if you "moved in" on BM and her already two spouses (16 YO and 13 YO).  And, it is not uncommon for divorced parents, esp. ones who have lived on their own for a while, to want to be more friends with their kids and to even unload on their kids.  To the kids, it winds up looking like it is mommy and me against the world.  A new man comes into that and wants to start being the true SO or spouse, and the kids are going to be eyeing you for trouble, taking their place, overstepping your bounds, etc. from the get go.

This was all set in place long before you came along.  The fact that the 13 YO doesn't want you "tagging along" shows a lot.  She wants mommy and me like the good ol' days, and if BM is used to over-sharing with them, who the heck knows what she's telling them, innocently or not, behind the scenes.  

Regardless, in these types of situations, it is always the responsibility of the bio-parent, BM in this case, to smooth the way for any transitions, such as the kids have to learn to be just kids, with a mom vs. buddy, and such as the kids have to recognize what your true role is--as mom's spouse or SO and NOT as a competitor.  IF BM doesn't have your back on this, nothing will change.  See, they all think that you are the problem.  They think, all you have to do is suck it up and take it (a/k/a do whatever you are told), and everything in their little world will be OK.  

I guess I'd be inclined to wonder what value she gives you, truly.  Does she see you as a true partner or as a paycheck and provider?  Like Floppy alluded to above, maybe she is just accustomed to getting her way (incl. with men), and for her, it is business as usual.  You need to have a heart to heart with her to get at the core of this; otherwise, get ready to be a lackey husband and lackey dad the rest of your life.  If the other kids' bio-dads aren't even in the picture, that tells you a lot too.  It tells you that BM sees her kids as her possessions and any man as pretty much expendable, unfortunately.

ldvilen's picture

My bad.  "Their fathers are still in our lives."  Interesting, "our lives" and not "their lives."  Personally, dealing with one ex- is hard enough.  The OP has to deal with two baby-daddies.  Wow!  Probably seems like it is five vs. one, with BM, two baby-daddies and two older SKs.  Just given that, what are the odds the OP wouldn't feel like sloppy thirds?  I don't see how any step-parent could make that one work out, without unbelieveable cooperation from BM, and it doesn't sound like he is getting that.  BM would have to keep baby-daddies at bay, other than in reference to each child, and she'd also have to keep older SKs in check.  But, both of her children have, more than likely, had a revolving door of men going on for some time.  I can't even wish the OP good luck, because I just can't see it.

I don't know.  I just don't see how any man or woman with multiple children from multiple baby-daddies or baby mamas can be seen as a desireable life partner or even that good of a parent.  Sure, there are exceptions.  But with all of the available single, bioless people out there, why would another single person a) choose a women with two baby-daddies in addition to SKs, and b) go on to have a kid with her, thereby creeating a third baby-daddy.  At some point you have to own up to the choices you made vs. finger-pointing or even asking, "What should I do?"  

It doesn't mean you are screwed and have to suck it up and take it for life.  However, it does mean you have to accept responsibility and figure out how to make it work the best it can for yourself and your child too.  My guess is nothing is going to change.  With 5:1 where is the incentive?  Clearly BM is capable of loving them, having children with them, and then leaving them.  It happened twice already.  Now three times; the only part that is missing with you is the "leaving them" part.  If I were #3, I'd just be assuming #4 will be coming along soon.  Next time, pick with your head rather than your wee-wee.  I have a nephew with three different baby-mamas, and even his own dad says that,. "His problem is he thinks with his wee-wee." 

Rags's picture

I am a bit confused by your perspective that you were raised in a fully blended family yet your child is your SKid's  half sibling so it is different.

My assumption is that a fully blended family would be a pair of spouses and yours, mine, and hours kids.  Which would mean that everyone in that mix, as far as the kids are concerned, would be someone's half sib and some of them would be someone's step sib and step parent.

So, what makes your child somehow different?  Just curious.

Now, if your SKids are somehow abusing or rejecting their half sib and your SO is tolerating it, it is time for  you to inject yourself firmly into that crap and put an end to it.  And if you are merely an extra paycheck and sperm donor on this mix, why are you even there in the first place?

If you do not value yourself, your SO and any of the kids in this mix will not value your.