Bonding with stepson
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I'm a relatively new (6 months) stepdad to 8 yo boy, and have 2 boys of my own. I have a hard time bonding with my stepson. With my birth kids, it just flows naturally. it doesn't matter if we are just sitting around the house or out doing some activity, it's just right. With SS, our interactions seem much more hesitant and nervous, with neither of us knowing what to do. I am getting pressure from my wife to form a better bond with him. He's is a good kid, a typical 8 year old, my birth kids are older, so the 8 year old behaviour gets on my nerves cuz I've been through it twice. I'm not mean to him and he's respectful, but it just seems so awkward and my wife is driving me nuts over this. Any tips, thoughts, etc?
I think the pressure is
I think the pressure is probably just getting to you. Dont try to force it. Are you his only father figure or his his BioD in his life? If you are his only father figure that might be why your wife feels the need for you to push yourself into that role. If his dad is in his life maybe you should calmly remind your wife of this. If you try to force something that is not natural it will backfire. If his bioD is in his life he will feel like he is betraying his dad and resentment/confusion/anger will grow in place of the awkward you get now. Your SS senses the awkwardness too, so dont add fakeness to it. It will only make your relationship with him more stressed. As for finding ways to relate to him try to find some common ground. Do you have any common interests? Do you have a particular man hobby that maybe you could teach, show, share with him etc. Something for you to bond over or at least discuss and hopefully eventually enjoy together? Really it will just take time (probably 2 or 3 years) for you to develope any kind of real bond with him and that is ok. There is no reason to rush.
my DH tries to push bonding
my DH tries to push bonding on me with his 6yr old son, its just makes you not want to even more cause their forcing it on you. If you find a solution to it let me know cause anything I say just pisses him off more
MamaB, thanks. His BioD is
MamaB, thanks. His BioD is out of the picture, so it's all on me. My wife has the expectation that me and SS should be well on our way, I am more realistic and think 2-3 years is probably about right. He doesn't have many interests, other than video games and TV. My birth sons are teens and much easier to deal with. My SS is still in that in between stage from boy to teen, and still throws tantrums. I can't stand that behaviour, but I don't say anything, because if i do, I feel like crap for disciplining him. It's a mess right now. i think my wife wants me to be his friend, not his father.
To the other comment, yes, i am starting to resent him more as being a wedge between me and his mom
Crayon, thanks, i will try to
Crayon, thanks, i will try to find an activity that we can share and start building with small steps. I know that's the answer, I need my wife to back off. His BioD being out of the picture is a stressor for me
In my opinion, you are the
In my opinion, you are the adult and it has to start with you, if you love your wife you need to try and be the best SD that you can.
I would try to do something with him that he likes doing, play one of his favorite video games with him to break the ice, take interest in him, try to help him with his homework, ask him what he likes, show him he is wanted and welcome in your home.
my husband says he will never
my husband says he will never probably "love" my kids, and he says that "not everyone is meant to get along doesn't matter the age"
personally I think its a cop out, I think you should see what his interests are and take him to whatever one one one, bowling, hiking, arcade, just some time to keep you busy but gives you time to connect.
Dawg I'm going through the
Dawg I'm going through the same thing here my wife and I been married +1year my SS is 13. Bio dad not in the picture. I started to resent him but realized that I'm the only positive male role model in his life and I feel responsible for helping turn him into a good man. I have really been trying to do one on one stuff with him "guy stuff" we went hunting today didn't see a thing got soaked it was a blast! I would talk to your wife be direct about how you feel and open to what she says. I'm not a perfect step dad but I try to be the best I can.
Dawg I'm going through the
Dawg I'm going through the same thing here my wife and I been married +1year my SS is 13. Bio dad not in the picture. I started to resent him but realized that I'm the only positive male role model in his life and I feel responsible for helping turn him into a good man. I have really been trying to do one on one stuff with him "guy stuff" we went hunting today didn't see a thing got soaked it was a blast! I would talk to your wife be direct about how you feel and open to what she says. I'm not a perfect step dad but I try to be the best I can.
If it helps, it does get a
If it helps, it does get a little bit easier when they're a little older and more mature. My SS was in elementary school when I first met him and now 14 - and we get along SO much better now. I can actually have a real adult-like conversation with him.