BM always answers questions that I ask her son
Does any body out there have this problem?? Just about any time I ask SS17 something, BM has to step in an answer for him. It really frustrates me. One examle: There was a plate left on the counter that I know SS17 left there, and I asked him if he was going to reuse it later. (I seem to always have to remind him to clean up after himself when he does something in the kitchen) It was sitting there since about 5 o'clock and it's like 9:30 now. Well DW steps in and says Oh I'm going to reuse, and I say I was wondering if SS17 was going to use it or put it away. Then she says Oh don't worry about it I will use it in the morning. I thought to my self " will you shut the F**k up woman, I am asking the SS17 " So I just shut up and finished what I was doing in the kitchen and came in here to tell you about it. This happens all the time and it is very frustrating, I have discussed this with DW many times now and I tell her I am just trying to help your kid become responsible and I need your help so I can help you do this. It's like she is way over protective of him and she can't help it, like I am going to do something bad or something(which I will never do)and she is like the momma bear protecting her cub. And during this whole time the kid is like yeah momma protect me from that evil man. And of course he just kept his mouth shut. How do you handle it??
I agree he is 17 he can clean
I agree he is 17 he can clean up after himself!! Really she isn;t helping her son by doing this.
It is noted in SD's hospital
It is noted in SD's hospital chart that BM is "overbearing" & "constantly speaks on patient's (SD's) behalf". At 13 years old, when a nurse comes in & asks how she's feeling, SD should be capable of saying, "I have a headache" or "I don't feel good" or "I'm hungry". Evidently, DH & I are not the only ones who have picked up on BM's control techniques.
I have to confess I have been
I have to confess I have been guilty of this in the past. I noticed it and have been trying to curb it. But my DS is only 13, I have been making an effort to let him speak for himself for a few years now. 17 is way too old, they need to become independent.
The doctor's office is exactly where I noticed it. The nurse is speaking directly to the child and I kept answering. I'm better now, I only interject when I feel like they haven't given enough details or something needs to be clarified.
I'm not sure what makes me do it. Habit mostly, as a mother you get in the habit of doing for your kids. And I am in no way one of those mothers that doesn't make their kids have responsibility.
I'll have to think on this one, hmmmm, what makes me tick?
I would suggest that you do
I would suggest that you do NOT enforce your will in this situation. That is not to say that you should not be open and transparent as to what you feel is wrong, or for that matter why you feel it is wrong.
Look, as parents, and spouses, we all feel that urge to avoid conflict, and for the sake of children NOT air out our differences in front of the kids. However, that is not to say,being open and forthright about situations we see as detrimental to our family unit, should always be avoided. After all that is what we talking about here. It's not so much about one particular skid, or behavior as it is about the family unit melding and being a healthy setting for everyone. At age 17 your SS, is old enough to accept responsibility for his part and role of the family unit. I suggest you go over DW's head (so to speak) and you take matters into your own hands. I do not suggest you threaten nor assert your authority, but rather, take a private man to man moment with him. Look he is 17, and has to have at least some notion that what his mom is doing can be counter productive. Besides, does mom show signs of this type of intervening when he is out in public? If so it has to be a bit unsettling for SS17. I can only imagine.
SS17 needs be reassured that his mom is protected, and you will have to do that in spite of her actions. SS17 must come to trust you, that is your job as SD. Unfortunately it is never as easy as a few chats or what I like to call "come to Jesus moments", trust comes from time in service and not simply by proxy. For that matter, respect is something earned, when it's demanded in these cases it more often becomes fear, then resentment.
I suggest you set aside the drama of bm vs bd or all the angst and friction between you and SS17, and simply reason with him outside of BM's influence. Man to man, in a positive tone will go along way I know it worked for me when I was SS17 so many years ago. Hell sit down and have a cup of coffee, or go to the barber shop together,something men do. Work on a friendship, as opposed to father figure or "Man of The House" title. It really isnt a demotion in the long run as SF earning respect as a Man of your word and honorable, will far out weigh any of BM's habits. I know it worked for me when I was a SS17.
Seems to me, as things are described here you have a very common issue of trust going on. Whether it's legitimate or whether it's simply luggage from the past is really moot. Either way it needs to be dealt with without demanding authority, and a lot of patience and understanding.
Don't ask, Do tell ---> this
Don't ask, Do tell ---> this is my new slogan! I have always been the type of SM who asked SS to "please put away your shoes" or "please take care of your plate". That worked okay for WE visits, but not when SS moved in with us. So I had to change my strategy. The other night SS told me that he was going to have one of my taffy apples. I replied "And you will put away all the clean dishes before you do." He didn't even grumble under his breath. He just did it. Don't ask. Do tell.
I think PA is right, it's a
I think PA is right, it's a controlling thing. And having given it some thought with myself in mind, I am big enough to admit I tend towards being controlling.
I agree with PA too, tell him
I agree with PA too, tell him to simply put the plate in the sink or whatever it is you need him to do. That way mom can't answer for him if it is not a question.
Thanks for all the replies,
Thanks for all the replies, it really helps. The plate thing is just one of the many moments around here where DW answers his questions. I have known SS17 since he was 10 and have been married to his MOM going on 5 years now. SS17 has lived with us full time since he was 15, prior to that it was a 50/50 thing with his BF. He chose to live with us because he could not get along with his BF. He even asked his BM/my DW if he could disown his BF.(hehe) SS17 and I are not exactly best of friends, we haven't bonded, and we don't do much together with out MOM/DW around. His choice. But we have our special moments from time to time(very rare). We have had it out many times and I have always came out on top. During those times his mom/DW stayed out of it because she knew I was doing the right thing. That was in the early years and I have always treated him with a certain amount of respect because I know I am the adult and he is the child. To make the long story short, SS17 is disrespectful to his mom in many ways. I usually stay out of it until it gets out of hand then he has to deal with me. So he has learned when he does this to his mom/my wife he will give me a glance and if he sees me looking straight at him with a serious look, he will back off. He tends to do pretty much what I ask him to do and I don't ever ask him to do anything that is unreasonable. Most of the time it's to clean up after himself, I look at it as if he just forgets, because he will get up and do it when I ask him to. I use to think he was just F**king with me and expected his mom to clean up after him because I sure wasn't going to be doing it. It's been awhile since him and I had it out. I don't have any problem doing anything within reason that he ask me to do or his mom needs me to do for him. I ususally want to hear it from SS17 rather then from DW. I have learned not to be so critical of him, like when he does clean up after himself and it's not exactly done how I would do it, depending what it is I may or may not say something. Usually I will correct what ever it is because I look at it as he at least made the effort. Well you get what I am dealing with here. I am looking further down the road, I don't want him to hate me like he does his BF. I don't come down on him very hard unless he deserves it. I show him respect, I am fair to him but I am also very firm with him at the same time. I guess I am trying to be a parent to him and not his best friend. I know I only have a certain amount of authority and I try not to cross that boundary. Most of the time I let DW do most of the disaplining while I take care of the house rules. When I discuss the issue about her answering for SS17, she will give me some lame excuse, or not say anything or just say OKaaaaay. So I look at it as something she can't control. I think I will try to make sure DW isn't in the same room when I ask SS17 something. Any way about the plate, DW didn't use it this morning like she said she was, and so this morning SS17 put it in the sink with out being told. Boy, discussing this really helps me to keep sane.
I hear you Spike: I would
I hear you Spike:
I would like to completely disengage but I can't. It would bring more stress on me and the household, and if I did I might as well just pack up and leave. I have partially disengaged and that has helped me somewhat. I have come to realize that the reason SS17 is the way he is, is because BM/DW made him that way and is constantly helping him be that way. It drives me crazy. BM/DW knows she is doing all the wrong things to teach her little baby to become a responsible adult. Another example that just happened tonight; after dinner BM/DW told SS17 to take out the trash and he said OK and then went up stairs. Well 15 minutes later I caught BM/DW taking out the trash. When I asked her what she was doing she just clamed up. If I had caught her in time I would have stopped her and made the SS17 do it. I tell her this is why SS17 walks all over her. Next year at this time SS17 will be in college. Yeah he will be some what out of the house but it's going to cost me lots of $$$$$$$. So I don't think we will ever be done. SS17 is BM/DW's only child. I wish I had a vacation home to escape to because I would be there all the time.
How would I handle
How would I handle it?
"Excuse me my dear I was not speaking to you I was speaking to SS-17. Please let him answer for himself".
Every time it happens and all of the time.
Her interfering is not helping her, your SS or your marriage.
Mom's tend to be overprotective of their kids and hyper defense of them towards step fathers. My wife and I have been married since SS-18 was 1yo and she will still get defensive of him with me some times even though she knows I consider him my son and would not hurt, ridicule or abuse him.
Best regards.
You are right, and I fully
You are right, and I fully agree with you original poster. The SS needs accountability.
Sadly, that is not going to make your life better.
You are going to have to simply learn to bite your tongue and trust your wife that eventually it will start to bother her like it does you, and she will handle it.
Right now she is so busy, in her thinking, defending her son from you (mommy instinct) that it is not relevant if you are correct. Until you back off, and just leave the plates pile up, and let her handle it, you are going to be painted the bad guy.
Trust me, it don't matter how well intentioned you are, if mommy sees you speak to her little baby 17 year old boy with discipline in your voice, the bear in her comes out. Back off and wait til she gets sick of it on her own and let her handle it.
The trick, as I am learning fast, is simply not to let it bother you, and put faith in her that eventually she will, ON HER OWN, come to the same conclusion you did.
Women take a different road to the same place, but if you try to show them the path YOUR way, they resist it every time no matter how badly it is needed. Sorry if that offends anyone but it is true. Put faith that her way will get her there too. There are many roads to China, some may take longer but they do get you there. Her road is just different then yours, but you are keeping her from walking it.