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12 yr old SD with mental and social deficiencies

KH4573's picture

I am convinced my SD has a multitude of social deficiencies and my DH gets defensive and shuts down when I bring them up out of concern for her well being. I'm afraid she may be being bullied at school, etc. I am to the point I dread her visits every other weekend and try and disengage as much as possible. Her mother has severe anxiety among other issues and I'm worried for the future of my SD. She's so far behind her peers it's scary. Has anyone had any luck with breaking through with an un-diagnosed child? Her Bio parents neither one seem to acknowledge the obvious signs of trouble which is extremely frustrating.

strugglingSM's picture

My SSs both have anxiety. I've worked with one on several school assignments and he gets very anxious about how long his assignments are, so much so, that he spends all his time worrying and none of his time working. He's below grade-level, but other than receiving generic special ed services, I don't think he's really been evaluated and he's not getting the tools he needs to function on his own.

The other one has social anxiety. He can't be away from his mom (he's in middle school, so this is abnormal) and claims he can't sleep at our house due to anxiety (he said to DH "I have anxiety like my mom"). He's had full on meltdowns for over an hour about both of these things. He also struggles in school, but he's incredibly lazy, so I'm not quite sure if he has learning disabilities or if he's just not trying. This child is also super concerned about what other people think of him. He is supposed to wear glasses, which DH bought for him, but he refuses to wear them and BM won't force him because "he's embarrassed."

Without the support of the parents, it's incredibly difficult to do anything that will help these children. My friend is a child psychologist and she said that it sounds like both boys need professional help, but said that no counselor will see them unless both parents agree to treatment.

My advice, don't take this burden on yourself. It may be difficult to watch, but she is not your child and you can't "save" her if her parents are not interested.

KH4573's picture

Thank you for your input. I'm afraid you're right on not saving her if her parents aren't interested it just hurts! My SD displays a lot of troublesome behavior that I associate with social anxiety. It's so obvious to me and I feel helpless to intervene (not my obligation) I just wish her parents would step up and see she needs help. I have disengaged as much as I can currently and I just sit back and watch this child stagger through life. Her BM coddles her to the point it makes me cringe. Now I'm just venting....thank you for your opinion!

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

Unfortunately, if her parents aren't willing to get her help, there's nothing you can do. NEVER care more than the parents. That's one of the mantras you must learn. They're 100% responsible for how this child turns out, not you. That being said, I'd encourage you to (gently) recommend that your DH get her evaluated "for the sake of the child." You don't want to have a failure to launch living with you for the rest of your life.

KH4573's picture

I agree with your statement and I have actually suggested my DH talk to BM about having her evaluated and he was quite resistant. I understand facing the fact that your child may have a social or mental deficit may be difficult but wouldn't you rather get her the help she might need to help her navigate life successfully? That is the most infuriating part of this scenario. I've begun to not care because I have no alternative. It's just maddening. Sad

MTmomof6's picture

I can relate to this so much! I have a 9 year old who I'm pretty sure has childhood schizophrenia. He has had impaired speech and intellectual delays as long as I've been in the picture. He talks to himself all the time and the things he says scare me and my children. The other night he was walking around in circles like he does and said "Rowan is dead." Rowan is my 13 month old daughter, his half sister. I've told his dad he needs help so many times, and explained that I can't be the one to get him the help... but I doubt he ever will. I want so desperately for this child to receive the support and tools he needs to live as safely and independently as he can, but I feel like it's going to take something extreme before dad finally realizes it. It's a tough boat to be in!