Washing machine of emotion...
Neither my SO nor I are actively involved in FB/social media. But I do confess to lurking around at what people post for the public to see.
SD and her hubby, like most people, limit what is publicly available including their posts/comments to only those who are their friends. Although I primarily try to stay disengaged from SD I do confess to taking a look once in awhile to see what they post.
A few months ago I noticed that SD's hubby had changed his profile pic to a new one of the two of them together. There were almost a hundred "likes" for this photo - which seemed strange for a rather unremarkable picture of them which was not for any special occasion or event. Then it dawned on me: perhaps SD was pregnant!
Sure enough, I took a peek and SD had some nursery-themed photos on her site so I figured an announcement was imminent.
I didn't bother to mention this to my SO. I figured if SD/hubby wanted to announce the pregnancy to everyone on FB that's their choice. I just figured that she'd at least be calling her dad soon to tell him the happy news that he was going to be a granddad since she knows he is not on FB. No such luck. And the time goes.
I just wondered at what point during the pregnancy did SD/SIL plan to let her dad know? Everyone on FB seemed to be privvy to the news so why not call her dad with the good news? I don't understand what the conversation was like - did SD/hubby sit around and say, "Well, is there anyone we haven't told yet? Nope, guess not." I am sure that BM knew ASAP, rightfully so. But I guess her dad doesn't get that same consideration.
Then, my SO finallly did get a call but it wasn't with the happy news which had been shared with everyone on FB. SD called to tell him that she had suffered a miscarriage and had to have emergency surgery due to complications. I was truly saddened to hear this since I know she desperately wants a child and was deeply grateful that her surgery was successful and she was physically OK.
This is where the washing machine of emotion kicks in.
Despite the sympathy I feel for SD/SIL for the tragedy they just went through, I also feel so bad for my SO - in one phone call he learned he was going to be a granddad, but the baby was lost, and to make it even worse his daughter might have lost her life, too. He was absolutely crushed and it was overwhelming for him.
And nowhere along the whole journey did anyone give him a single phone call. He never even got the chance to be excited for a little while about the prospect of grandparenthood like BM did. All he got was the bad news.
As long as I live, I will never understand the dynamics of this so-called "family."
You're right - That's the trouble with disengagement.
When situations like this arise you can only do your best to express sympathy ... and then you have to let it go. Much like an acquaintance whom you are not connected to.
BTW, when I mentioned BM as being involved "rightfully so" it was done tongue-in-cheek and based on her being the preferred parent, not necessarily gender-based. BM made it her mission to ensure SD was alienated from her father and his entire side of the family. Mothers and fathers can be guilty of alienation - in our case, BM happens to be the culprit.
My DH gets the same treatment
My DH gets the same treatment from his daughter and sons and their SO's. DH is always the last to know when the upcoming birth of a royal baby is announced. He has found out from other relatives too.
I believe the hateful steps do this for a variety of reasons: They have no respect for DH. They cannot stand the fact that if they told DH, I would find out, as they really hate me. DH no longer attends the royal births and they are still bitter at him for this.
Who knows? Why should DH care and need to rush to a royal birth or be ecstatic about a royal baby if his disrespectful brood cannot even let him know with the general public about an upcoming birth?
The drama never ends.
How does your DH react to this?
When he finds out from others that one of his kids is re-creating? If other relatives tell him and he is obviously surprised or doesn't know - does he just change the subject? Ignore the news? Pretend he already knew?
I am not a parent so I don't know how I would react. Fundamentally, I think I would be crushed if I found out that way - how could everyone else in the family seem to know about it but not me?!
In your DH's case, the skids seem to want it both ways - which is similar to my SO's daughter. They don't want to INCLUDE their father in the happy announcements but when the sh!t hits the fan and it all goes wrong they have no problem calling up daddy to cry and seek support and/or expect financial help when and if it's needed.
I now predict that at some point in the future SD might need some financial help if she needs expensive fertility treatments. I suspect my SO will be writing some hefty checks for that. I also predict SD's behavior will remain the same - she'll get the checks from her father but will not include him in any successful pregnancy announcements.
My DH seems to just
My DH seems to just acknowledge the news about his brood when given to him by others and then changes the subject. He's pretty good about changing the subject when it comes to talking about his adult children. Not sure why, but that is what he does much of the time. DH has been disrespected by them so many times before, so anything they pull doesn't seem to surprise him anymore.
You, they want it both ways: disrespect daddy and his wife and when they have a life event, daddy is expected to revolve his whole world around them and the royal babies. My DH is no fool, so he doesn't fall for their stuff any longer. He also doesn't help them financially anymore, at least that I am not aware of.
good luck with all of this.
For some people, "I posted it
For some people, "I posted it on Facebook" is all the announcement they will ever make and wait for people to like, comment, and call them about it. I'm not on Facebook anymore either so family news is slow to get to me if I hear about anything at all. Maybe she was hoping the news would trickle down to her father and he would call her or maybe she really is just socially lazy. Regardless, it is overwhelming to find out everything in one shot.
I can't believe society has gotten this low.
If you are right (and I think you are) it's incredible to me to think that in less than 20 years' time, much of human society has reached such a low point that social media is supposed to be used for all forms of communication. Especially for such milestone events.
But I do find it interesting that when the sh!t really hits the fan in a bad way, SD did pick up the phone and called her father. I wonder why she did - she kept him in the dark about pregnancy so why bother to personally call him to tell him it was lost?
Your SD sounds socially inept
Your SD sounds socially inept anyway and very insensitive- but I agree that people often use social media to gather attention they wouldn't get elsewhere- only when life gets serious (and often preganancy is treated very flippantly these days with scan parties etc) do they realise there are things it isn't appropriate to say on Facebook, and death and loss are among them.
Although you were an observer of this from the outside (I'll avoid saying voyeuristic for just going on Facebook to check on people!) this is really between your SD and her dad. He probably doesn't know that half the world knew before he does and now probably doesn't care. If he finds out that you knew and didn't tell him where would that leave you?
LOL, you can call me a voyeur - it's deserved!
I have a FB account for work purposes (not in my name) and because I have looked at SD/SSIL's profiles before evidently they will automatically show up on my account page as "people that you know." I noticed the new photo which prompted my interest so I lurked further - color me guilty!
Your last question is a good one which I have debated with myself many times over the years. I've heard or seen things about SD (from others, and even a few times something SD told me directly) which I kept my mouth shut about. This will just be another one of those instances.
For some reason creating
For some reason creating drama is a genetic thing in some families. My family is about connection and communication. We stay in touch, share our lives and pretty much keep drama to a minimum. No one gets their feelings hurt, we enjoy spending time together, we are an all in group. Interestingly no one gets their feelings hurt or is chronically suspicious of the actions or others... except for my bride. But... she comes by it naturally at some level.
My IL clan on the otherhand is about drama. They have the annoying though good hearted tendency to "surprise" people. Rather than communicate a visit they like to just show up. Then they get all butt hurt when the surprisee doesn't immediately cancel all of their plans, take off of work, and get all freakishly wowed by the surprise visit. These same people will not make any effort spend time with people who give notice of an upcoming visit. They do this to each other all of the time. Then the phone tree starts and the propegation and escalation of the drama begins. The suspicious wispers behind the back of the person currently atop the family shit list, and the seemingly endless campaign to grow support for some toothless redneck idiot inter family conflict position.
It drives me nuckin futz.
When we are with my family there is usually a point where my wife struggles with getting her feelings hurt. Most recently was this past TG holiday long weekend. We drive to my parents (7 hours with the holiday traffic and the 3+ hour dinner at one of favorite resaurants about half way) on Wed after work. The four of us had an amazing TG on Thursday, and a very nice Friday together. On Sat Am my parents got up very early and went out for breakfast. We heard dad's truck pull out of the drive. We called the kid, updated him on some health problems my SIL is having (bro's wife), showered and got ready and headed out for breakfast ourselves. My wife was a bit upset that mom and dad did not ask us if we wanted to go with them. I told them that mom and dad are early risers, mom may have had a long night with a restless leg flare up and they probably wanted to give us a chance to sleep in. Meanwile a few hours later and back and mom and dads, mom did have a hardtime sleeping due to restless leg and they did think about rousting us for breakfast but decided since we both get up early for work every day that we might enjoy sleeping in. DW felt bad that she had made the choice to be hurt earlier in the day. I have been trying to purge this crap from her family baggage lexicon for 24+ years. And right when I think I have purged this annoying little habbit... it raises it's annoying little head again. Sigh.
You can take the girl out of the drama but you can't completely take the drama out of the girl I suppose.
We are all branches of our family tree.
Thus, I can understand your wife's feelings as well as your consternation of it. She is of her tree and you are of yours. That is one of the amazing things about humanity - even though we may come from vastly different backgrounds we still have the capability to connect to one another. Most of the time, anyway!
Your family is all-in and you understand that - it's part of your foundation. So there are no feelings of exclusion since none is intended. Your wife sounds like her family has a more wobbly base where not being specifically included takes on a different meaning. The breakfast incident is one event looked at through two different lenses. When you let her see it through your lens and when the facts supported that view, she understood her own perspective was not clear because it can be obscured over the drama which she has experienced as part of her family life.
In some ways, I guess I have to look at the situation with SD the same way. While I am from people who will typically say what's on their minds and communicate, sometimes at volume, we certainly don't have any doubts about what is going on in each other's lives. My SO's family is similar - they do talk to each other and share news (good and bad).
The additional element is the level BM figures into this lack of communication style. From what my SO has mentioned, BM seems to be very passive-aggressive in that she won't honestly articulate her opinion or desires but will go behind the scenes to get what she wants - especially if there may be any difference of opinion. Her parents spoiled her a great deal so I think she places a lot of value in being the center of attention and the power-master of all things.
No surprise that SD is a mini version of her when it comes to communicating. She'll tell you what she wants you to know when she wants you to know it and when talking to you has value to her. Otherwise you aren't worth bothering with. Until the day her perfectly designed strategy came crashing down.
Then, and only then, did she pick up the phone and talk to her father.
Sad, really.