Should I stay or should I go?
I am at my wits end with my skids and my dh. I guess I will start at the beginning.
When I started dating my husband he was a long haul truck driver so he didn't have a place and just lived out of his truck. He rarely got his kids who were d2 and s3 when dh and I met. We only got them maybe one weekend a month and he was really involved in taking care of them at first when he got them. Shortly after we started dating we got in a near fatal car accident and he messed up his knee and I was pretty badly injured and since he couldn't work he moved in with me at my parents. We were fine and dandy for the first year and that summer he proposed. In Oct, a year ago, he filed for custody of his kids and got joint custody. The kids mother had dumped them off at her mother's so she could galavant around and do as she pleased. The kids were abused (physicallly and sexually) which the sexual abuse was by the kids 15 yr old uncle (grandma's live-in son). Grandma and mother of my skids abused them to keep them quiet about sexual abuse which we didn't know about until 2 months after we got the kids. The kids were let to do anything the wanted, even dangerous stuff. They had no rules, structure, or learning. I agreed with dh to go for custody to get them out of that environment, but I was under the impression that we would have them 50/50 with their mother as the courts ruled. We were also not aware of their abuse and behavioral issues until we got them.
We have had the kids for a year now and I am at my wits end. I feel like a single parent to two kids, now sd4 and ss5, who are not mine. My husband now does only dailly runs as a trucker but as soon as he gets home he eats and then goes to bed and then gets up and goes to work, and repeat. He doesn't help with the kids and I have to beg him to spend time with them. I am the sole person feeding them, clothing them, making sure ss5 gets to school and does his homework, supplementing education for sd4, batheing them, doing laundry...everything for dh and skids. Their bm never calls or sees them and hasn't gotten them or called for over a year now. Not even on holidays.
I also have several health problems including: anxiety, insomnia, OCD, fibromyalgia, arthritis, depression, TMJ, and a bulging disc and 2 dessicated discs. (Many of problems occcured from the car accident I mentioned)
SS5 is adhd (unmedicated till we can get a doctor to medicate him) and he has severe emotional and behavioral issues. Many which have spawned from his upbringing prior to us getting custody so I am by no means saying it's all his fault. He has severe issues with constantly needing to use the bathroom ( every 20 mins or so) and we investigated possible health causes and there is nothing wrong with him physically, it's psychological. He has tried to strangle his sister to death a handful of times and has attempted to reinact sexual abuse towards her. Both of these things haven't gotten far because I quickly discovered and put a stop to it before it got far, but the intention was there. He has also physically abused me, which isn't hard due to my health problems, but he gets very violent towards me and verbally abusive. He doesn't follow any of our rules and anything I tell him to do, he won't. Same with things I tell him not to do, he does anyways. I have begged my dh to get both of the skids in counseling and to get ss5 medicated and he will promise that he will and then makes excuses why it can't be done. I have problems with both skids lying and destroying stuff, being wasteful, cursing, hitting, and all of the inappropriate behaviors they have learned from their uncles/mom/grandma and when they were let to do whatever they liked while with their mom/grandma. I don't know how to help the kids to follow the rules and to be kind when all they know is all the destructive, vulgar, and horrible behavior they were exposed to and taught to do. Not only were they sexually abused but their mother would have sex with various partners in front of them and sometimes in the same bed as them. She also bathed naked with them on a regualr basis, as did their incestual uncle. They have been through so much and I know it's not the skids faults but I can't let them continue on with the bad behaviors. Dh does nothing to help. He says I just need to figure it out and someday it'll get better.
The way I see it, I am screwed (pardon my bluntness) either way. If I stay I am stuck with things not changing with skids and dh not helping with them. We will continue to fight and argue about his kids, money, his lack of effort, etc.
However, I feel as though I have no other choice because if I tell him I want a divorce and for him to get out, they literally have no place to go, not even a car. He is a big boy and would be fine but I can't, in good conscience, kick the kids out too.
I feel like I'm stuck betweeen a rock and a hard place. Dh is also a jerk to me. He is always making rude and horrible comments to me, he doesn't let me have any time just to go somewhere by myself, and he chastises me for wanting to hang out with my sister, then alone my friends. We are trying to save money for a car for him and a place but he just blows his money. I am not working because I keep the kids and because of my health but I supplement our income by doing odd photography jobs as I am a professional photographer. I also have to do everything for him such as cooking, cleaning and laundry. On top of all my health problems and caring for his children. I also have to give into his every desire in the bedroom. To be honest, at the end of the day I'm too tired to do anything but I have to anyways because "he wants to". He never used to be like this, it's like a switch just went off one day and he started treating me like his slave and a piece of crap and not wanting anything to do with his kids. I used to be so in love with him but since he has gotten this way, I feel nothing for him anymore. If it was just him I would leave in a heartbeat but I can't stand the thought of doing that to the kids.
Am I wrong to feel this way? Should I just suck it up? Am I doing something wrong? Please help. Any advice would be helpful. I just hope you guys don't think I'm blaming the kids because I'm not. I just can't handle them all by myself and with no meds/counseling/help from dh.
Wow. My heart goes out to
Wow.
My heart goes out to these kids, and to you. What I really think needs to happen is for some heads to roll- those of "grandma," "mom" and "uncle." "Uncle" needs to get some serious professional help because he likely was abused sexually by someone too. Even though he's not an adult legally, 15 is old enough to know you don't touch others inappropriately and he needs to face consequences for what he did to those kids.
"Mom" and "Grandma" need to face lengthy prison time for allowing this to happen, and for abusing these kids themselves. I hope to God that these two don't have any other kids they're in charge of. DH needs to be talking with the police to make this happen.
He also needs to get these kids counseling. In doing so, he'd be helping his kids and helping to prevent this from happening to another kid. A lot of people who abuse kids were abused as kids themselves. He could benefit from getting help, too. By not getting his kids help, he's worsening the situation.
At the very least, call CPS on "mom" and "grandma." Give them all the information you have, including documentation and court paperwork. You can place an anonymous call. You might want to consider doing so for DH too. By not getting SS treated for his ADHD and both kids help in dealing with the abuse, he's neglecting them too.
My DH and I got custody of his kids because they were sexually abused by BM's male friends and she sanctioned it. I'd be pi$$ed off at my DH if he didn't seek help for those kids immediately. In fact, I'd probably call CPS on him too.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you and those kids. Please keep me posted on what happens.
CPS and the police know all
CPS and the police know all about their sexual abuse and the abuse of their other uncle (10 yrs old) by their other uncle (15). Nothing has been done. No trial, no juvie, no counseling... nothing. We have tried to press charges but all they tell us is that the state is "taking care of it". My ss is already exhibiting signs of becoming a sexual predator himself, and that's when I put my foot down for him to get help and the state said counseling for them would be free due to their sexual abuse but when I said I wanted to send them for it the state simply told me to go to the ywca which is not geared towards small children and does not include play therapy, both things that are a requirement for my skids. I wanted them in counseling over a year ago but husband dragged his feet and now we are waiting to get health insurance because he started a new job in June.
As far as grandma and mom go, there is no proof, so nobody will do ANYTHING. So basically this all happened and nothing has been done about the physical and sexual abuse and it seems that nothting will be done. CPS is actually actively looking for reasons to take the kids from us so that they can put them in the state foster care systems. Their mother or grandmother call CPS at least 1x a month to say we did this or that when they haven't seen or spoken to the kids. Yet CPS still makes it a full fledged investigation. We have been investigated 20 plus times and been proven innocent each time. Their bm even went as far as to call cps saying my dh was sexually abusing the kids which was a terrrible 6 months. Only to find out later she did it to cover up the fact that the uncle was sexually abusing them. All that cps has done has banned their grandma from seeing them and only supervised visits with bm which she elects not to receive. And their bm has a newborn who is living with the pedophile incestual uncle and my skids grandma (bm's mom). We thought it privy to tell cps but they said until something happens or someone calls with proof there's nothing they will do. Grandma also has another son who is 10, I think, and was put into the foster care system because she would't get her son 15 help for sexually and physically abusing his brother and my skids. She gave up her abused son to protect her sexually and physically abusive son.
If I call cps I will get investigated too unless I indicate that I am the one reporting it. And the calls aren't as anonymous as you may think. Dh would probably off me if I called because he would know it was me because I'm the only one that knows that he hasn't gotten them counseling or ss5 on meds. As soon as we get insurance I am getting them in counseling myself, instead of waiting for dh to initiate it as I have hoped for in the past. As far as medicating ss5 we had to wait until he started school before the docs would even consider starting the treatment process, and now that he is in school we must wait for dh's insurance to kick in. Again, I will initiate the medication process and stop waitiing for dh to take care of it. I was waiting on dh to do these things because they are his kids and his responsibillity and doctors have given me a hard time in the past about taking the skids to medical appointments because I'm not a birth parent but they will just have to get over it because obviously it has fallen on my shoulders to get these kids the help they need.
You should go. The way you
You should go. The way you are treated and the way you feel about your DH will eventually bring you down so much that you will be of no help to the kids. It speaks volumes that you have their wellbring in mind. I think when you leave your DH will have to step up to the plate and start parenting. He can figure out how to work and parent, I did it for 7 years with no cs or assistance. The way things are now, is not workable. You need to take care of yourself; this situation is beyond all your good intentions. Sorry.
OK, it actually seems like
OK, it actually seems like you somewhat care about the kids. But, the kids and their lazy parents are NOT your problem. You COME FIRST. Period. Your HEALTH comes first. Period. If their parents are losers, well, you might be able to kick them all out and contact the state if they have no place to go and heck, you might actually end up with two kids that are better behaved and just keep the kids...that is of course, if you want to. If not, then really, stop putting someone else's mess as a priority in YOUR life. They are not your problem. They are your husband's problem and their BM's problem.
What, what, what the heck is wrong with these men (and sometimes women) who believe that because we marry them we have now become the parent for THEIR kids...we did not sign up to be a parent...much less one that has no rights to kids yet have to do the dirty work. Do not be his baby sitter. If he can't take care of his own kids, it's not your problem. Stop making it your problem.
If you have the means, get out asap. Take care of yourself and stop letting others be a priority in your life. Others whom you had no choice in creating, others who have messed up their own lives. If you have no kids together, run.
I really can't handle these
I really can't handle these kids on my own anymore and that's what kills me cause I'm all they have left. My doctors have even said that I shouldn't be doing all this for my skids and DH because it's making my health much worse. I know that if I leave him he will lose the kids and they will be put in foster care and it'll be my fault. I don't know how much longer I can jeopardize my physical and mental health solely based on what seems to be a "pipe dream" that things will get better. I guess once we get insurance I will get ss5 on meds and both counseling but the ironic part is I don't even have a car to take them to appointments or counseling because DH takes my car to work because he doesn't have one of his own. I want to end it but DH doesn't even have a car to go in if I make him leave and certainly no place to go as he has no family. He also wouldn't be able to pay for childcare or have a way to get ss5 to school. I feel absolutely stuck and I don't see any way for things to improve unless I shoulder all the responsibility for the skids and get them help myself which I feel isn't my place or my responsibility. It's truly a conundrum.
How would it be all your
How would it be all your fault?!!!
Seriously, this man is USING you and is abusive to you. He doesnt want to parent children HE brought into the world and instead shoves it all onto you and makes it worse (deliberately?) because he refuses to actually HELP his kids when it comes to much needed counselling and meds.
Is he deliberately refusing, "forgetting" to address these issues because he has you where he wants you? At his beck and call. If his kids improved this may give you then incentive to leave, to change things for the better for yourself. Just saying.
You sound like a good person, who is trying to do her best - rowing upstream against a STRONG current - for her skids without any help from a lazy, abusive DH. However, have you actually sat down and thought about what you are doing?
By running around doing everything for DH and skids, you are enabling your DH to continue to neglect his children (and you). He could get the skids help, they NEED it. This is about helping them and hopefully ensuring they have little to no problems when they are older - but he doesnt. This neglectfulness is abuse. Their mother abused them by turning the other cheek, now the same with their father. Have you considered your skids may get MORE help, better stability and role models in care than they are now (all because they will have adults who have the power to get them help)? If they went into care they probably would get counselling, the medical help they need.
You dont have the legal power, rights and health to do this alone. Good on you for trying though, but impo the best gift you could do for these children is ensure they get the help they need now and if that means going down the more difficult route and leaving - thereby forcing governmental intervention - then so be it.
I'm so sorry for you and
I'm so sorry for you and these kids. As the others have said, this is not your fault. At all. You've given it a super-human effort, but their dad is not supporting his family other than monetarily. He is committing a different form of child abuse by not getting them help. It is obviously not as heinous as what has happened to the kids previously, but it is child abuse nonetheless.
I also can't help but thinking that your leaving might be the only way to help them...forcing intervention to finally take place.
I'm very disheartened that CPS has not been helpful. Are there any other resources- domestic violence shelters, women's counseling center, church, salvation army- anyone in your area that deals with social services? Even though they're not specifically related to the situation you are in, one of them might have staff that works well with the "system" and might be able to connect you with someone in CPS or social services that can advocate better for you and/or the kids.
Leaving now might not even mean it will be forever. It might be the thing that gets the situation to managable proportions where there could be a happy ending.