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Scared of a three year old

JVfuturebabysitter's picture

So I've never posted anything but I am at my witts end with my future (hopefully, if her dad and I can save our relationship) stepdaughter. She is three and will be turning four in a couple of months, her BM is not a horrible person she is just uneducated and does not believe in correcting or discipline, she still lives with her parents at almost 30. My boyfriend and her were never in a realtionship so you could say my SD was a total accident. Anyway, this child cries over everything! If you ask her to throw something away she cries, ask her how was your day, she cries. She rolls her eyes at mostly just me, if her dad is giving me a hug or kiss after work (we try not to be affectionate in front of her bc of this reason) she will come up and put her hand on his back or try to move mine away! We have her alot, which i used to love before i moved in with him. During the week I take her to her moms in the morning after the overnight visit and it is pure hell. She will scream at me for asking her to go potty, she will slam doors, slam toliet seats whatever. I used to let her get up and watch cartoons but since it's early (7:00) her mom suggested I let her sleep until it's time to go....thx alot mom that makes it so much better...NOT. This child has no structure, she stays up until 11:30 with her mom and sleeps most of the day away, then maybe eats fast food three times a week with her. My boyfriend tries his hardest to keep a routine with her but by the time we get her she is a dirty mess. Her face is always dirty, her pants are never zipped up and she's either tired or mad that she has to leave her moms, because at moms there are no rules and at our house there is. He tries to take her with where ever he goes, even if its just outside to move a sprinkler he'll take her but he also corrects her when she is wrong and will discipline her (make her sit in the corner or stand, whatever). She acts out in front of him too just not as bad, shes never slapped him. She does this stuff to me only when he isn't around, when he is around she will not listen or acknoweldge me. Most people believe she is a perfect angle, she never acts out in front of his parents or mine and she's actually awesome in public, like a store or dinner, you couldn't ask for a better behaved child in public, i feel we are at least blessed in that department. I had to call to set up her preschool screening, i forced her dad to take her to a doctor when she was having skin issues, all sorts of stuff and this child absolutly hates me, but she'll tell people she likes me. I feel like me and her father are being ripped apart. He tries to talk to her about being respectful to me, she doesn't have to like me but she does have to be respectful. Everyone keeps saying "she's only three" yes she is but if we don't break the habit now, then what? She won't follow instructions, she tells me no all the time and she LIES!! Lies to everyone! Her dad, me, her mom, greandparents whatever, she lies! She will make herself sick at the dinner table just so she doesn't have to eat what i make. This is tearing me apart, i can't do things with him and her because i don'f feel like part of our family. Alot of weekends i get left behind because i can't stand to be with them and be ignored or feeling like a horrible person because she only acts this way with me. We spend alot of time with his family and she is great with them, never cries, never says no. I went through a horrible realtionship before him and I have always thought, even when he and I were just friends (at this time SD actually liked me) that he was the one I wanted to marry and have children with, now I am feeling depressed and sometimes i feel like a big baby that i'm letting a three year old affect me but when you love something that absolutly despies you i guess you start feeling down. I am afraid because everything revolves (everyone gloates over her and she is so perfect and so special) around this child that all of my dreams are going to be shot down. I know she is number one priority but her dad talks about how everything is going to be a fight and difficult with her mom and now this school issue at least for the next two years. Where does it leave me? I feel like because of her being difficult if I want to be with him I have to give up my dreams of marriage and my own children and if i do have children how will her jealousy play in. Any advice would be i have to harden my heart to her and just be her "babysitter" from now on? No emotions or emotional attachment to her? I'm starting to feel resentment and feel like my life is at a stand still. I truely do love him and I want to to stand beside him I just need to figure out how to deal with her and her BM.

JVfuturebabysitter's picture

Thanks for the advice. I dont want to be her friend, i just want some respect and a little less chaos in my house because of her and your right she knows it when i'm upset. I don't dare swat her, last time her father did the BM threatend to call child services. I agree she probably needs it.

majka's picture

OK... she is THREE. You are an adult. There is no reason to be scared of a three year old because YOU control the situation. YOU control your household. YOU tell her what can and can't be done, what is and isn't acceptable. It is time for you to take back control of your house.

Take a more authoritative approach to her until she realizes that you are not her friend, instead someone who she must follow and respect. DONT spank her, but figure out other clever punishments i.e. taking away toys, sending to time out, whatever has an effect on her.

Good luck, my skids were 3 and 4 when we got them full time so I know your pain. But the difference is that I refused to relinquish control of my house or life.

hardlifeisnormal's picture


Youngraisingyoung's picture

I don't have any advice for you. But I am going through the same exact thing. She is two and she attacks me all the time. She tried tantrums and is out of control. But that has a lot to do with her moms careless parenting. It's like she got her Onight and I said maliya, give am a hug and I picked her up and she starts FREAKING out. Mind you, I have known this child most of her life. She just doesn't like me and I think it's because she knows it's hard for me. But they need to get their parenting stuff figured out. Like her sleeping in the bed. Not ok. Like right now, I'm writing this from the couch so she can sleep with him tonight. It's awful cuz it's jealousy but don't u have a right to be loved too? It's like when their gone its great. When they're here. It's chaos

JVfuturebabysitter's picture

@ true. I think alot her issues come from her mom's parenting and the fact that my BF will do anything to keep her mom happy because he has had it beat in his head that she makes all the decisions and what she says goes. He is afraid to discuss any issues with her for fear that she will take away time with his daughter. It hurts me that he will push me aside to bend over backwards for her mom to keep peace. Her mom uses her as a pawn to keep him right where she wants him....and she makes sure I know that she has him by the balls for the next 15+ years. It's disturbing, she was a one night stand, no emotional attachment to her for him but he treats her like gold. She will do anything to make sure she is the "better, more fun" parent, however she is damaging this kid, feeding her McDonalds everyday, soda, toys when she is bad or to get her to stop crying. She rarely comes over and her pants are zipped and her face isn't dirty. It's pretty sad actually, but who defends her? My bf and his entire family. Her mother won't take her to the doctor because she's afraid of a meltdown, she won't tell her no. She also doesn't want her to start daycare (which my bf already told her he'd pay for) because she'll loose time with her, she doesn't want her to do dance because she'll loose time with her, she wants to do a mommy-daughter daycare.....seriously cut the cord already. The kid told me over the weekend, when her dad wasn't around that her daddy is going to marry her mommy because he doesn't love me. My bf is terrified of her mother. He won't listen to me, she has badmouthed him, cheated him and lied to the Courts to get more money out of him, which the money doesn't bother either one of us. If his daughter needs things I don't care and neither does he what it costs, we both aren't stupid thou, we know damn well where most of it goes. I guess him being so scared of her and letting her walk on him makes me so angry because i'm a certified paralegal with 5+ years under my belt in.....FAMILY LAW! I know dads aren't always given the best deal but he is her parent too, he has the right to make choices for her too, he shouldn't be just a paycheck for her lazy mother. I fear that in the next couple of months i'm going to have to make some big decisions. I've already had to pick myself up from rock bottom in a previous relationship, where i lost everything, my home, my dog, my friends, everything because of someone else, i'm not willing to do it again, I don't think I could. If he can't separate our relationship from her mother and her or we can't find some middle ground where he isn't being used and i'm not getting upset then there's no hope, on top of the way his child treats me. I love him very much and even though his daugter is really rotten to me, I do love her and want the best for her but I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life competing with this. I know alot of people on here have said it's not your problem but you choose to be with this person and it becomes your problem. Things were great in the beginning and I knew they would be hard but I didn't know they would be like this and get to this point. It gets old being put on the back burner and ignored either for the BM or the child. When she's there it's like anything i say, do, need or want is wrong. I know its his problem to find the balance but when do you say enough is enough and just give in?