Need advice*Never reached out before*
I have two sons, age 12 and 8. My Boyfriend has a 8 year old boy. A little background, I have a good close relationship with my divorce and the boys father we are good at parenting together. My boyfriends ex wife got into some stuff and wasn't around much for a few years and it was just him and his son a majority of the time. Now she's had some help and is every other weekend and doing better. my problem is his son is very very hyper , non stop all of the time when my boys are home, go-go go and there is no down time with him, he can be rather bratty at time I know they all can be, but if my sons ask to play pool, he'll run down and start playing, if they go to play with the dog, he'll go call the dog, or he bosses them around and tries to tel them what to do all the time, he messes up their rooms when he's in there, and they are starting to really hate the situation. My boyfriend and I have had huge huge fights over this hes waaaaaay to defensive as if I can never be frustrated with him or his son, or I'm a bully when in fact he's kinda bullying mine... I don't know what to do. He used to shove my younger son all the time still does sometimes and I got really upset about that. And every time they play he never wants to be on my youngest team he pairs with my oldest to try and leave him out allllll the time my boyfriend thinks I just see what I want to, but it's to the point my anxiety is through the roof because I don't want me and my kids stressed and overstimulated every day like a circus , or this will be over . I want 2 down time nights a week where we read, clean and just chill for hells sake is that rude of me???? Also he's very competitive, he wants to always be first, he wants to always sit in the front, and he needs to know what they are doing all the time and why. He is taller than my youngest and runs it in his face that's he's short and small. And he's very loud and stomps when he walks I do t know if that's cause they are in the basement? I don't know... but it's getting to be a lot, I feel like I'm not binding or getting the down together time like I once had with my sons cause he's always asking them to go go go.... what can I do and not be rude!?!?! My youngest son keeps asking why he doesn't learn the family rules that he makes him miserable ... I feel horrible
Welcome to the site!
You mention several times your fear of "being rude". Honestly - I think it's gone way beyond that. Through lack of discipline and boundaries, your boyfriend has turned his son into an obnoxious little bully. It sounds as though this will affect both your own sons' mental health, and yours, if it hasn't already. If your boyfriend isn't willing to address his son's behaviour, and it sounds like he isn't - then in your place I would think about making separate living arrangements - you owe it to your sons. Everyone deserves a bit of peace in their home, the place where one should be able to relax and recharge.
This.
You need to have a serious discussion with your BF. If he can not agree to house rules and behavior standards AND actually stick to them - you need to have a separate home for you and your children... continue to date, if you want... just live separate.
Your son's NEED to have a peaceful home environment trump your WANT to have a live in boyfriend.
You tell your DH that if he
You tell your DH that if he doesn't discipline his son you will and he won't like it.
Are you willing to move out
Are you willing to move out if your BF can't/won't make changes? It sounds like this is not a pleasant living situation for your sons.
Discipline
Something your SO is completely inept at. And it looks like, from your post, he's not willing to learn. Rather, defend his complete lack of discipline of his child. Things will only get worse.
Two choices. You either learn to live with it or move out into your own home. As someone said, you can continue to date but personally, why? I'd reconsider this relationship. Why do you want to subject yourself and your kids to this kind of environment?
Your first obligation is to
Your first obligation is to your son's. How can they be expected to do well in school if their home life is crazy, bullying and chaotic. You need to find them a place to live where they can be themselves and not having to worry about a kid who destroys their rooms. Please take care of this soon, preferably before it occurs to them that they'd rather go live with their dad.
Another thing, you are so worried about being perceived as rude that your bf and his kid must have you walking on eggshells. That is no way to live.
Do yourself a favour...
You know exactly what to do. So quit avoiding it and do it.
NOW!
Purge this failed man, failed father, failed partner and his failed family progeny from the lives of your children and your own life.
Quit serving yourself and your children up on the sacrifical blended family martyrdom to this toxic gene pool.
Good luck.
Take care of you and your children.
End it.
If you choose to stay, pull your boys aside and lteel them that SS is not to bully them and if he does they are to make sure he knows that is a bad idea and will cause him far more pain thay he causes them.
Bullies often need a good ass kicking to learn that bullying hurts and if they are going to try to bully, they will hurt. They should hurt as they hurts others and far worse. I was targeted by a number of bullies as a kid. I was a mellow, friendly, decent looking young person. I was a decent athlete, made good grades (for the most part), I was polite and well behaved. I also changed schools a number of times in my tweens and teens. From 4th through 9th grades I attended 5 different schools.
The new kid tends to be tested by the established pecking order. I hated fighting. It frightened me. I avoided it and would shrink from bullies, until one day I realized that getting hit hurts so if I was going to be bullied and hit, the bully was going to hurt. That epiphany was significant. It still hurt, but... no bully ever bullied me twice after that.
When they tried, they bled. I made sure that the new school knew that testing me was not a good idea. It only took one bully having reconstructive facial surgery, or ruptured gonads, or a severly bruised face, etc... and the rest of the potential bullies in that school never tested me or anyone else in my presence. Yes, I had bruises, or split lips, or black eyes, or a bloody nose. But they went to the hospital after they started it. Interestingly, I never got in trouble for defending myself. The bully would be suspended or expelled. I did get lectured about 'over defending' myself.. or some such idiocy. All I did was remind the Principal that I had only defended myself.
Your Skid will run into someone at some point who will not tolerate his crap and will kick his ass. A peer ending the crap of a bully is never a bad thing IMHO and far too often does not come nearly early enough.
I
Wow. It sounds like your BF
Wow. It sounds like your BF's son has never really been disciplined or given any guidance. It sounds like BF is guilt-parenting.
I agree with other posters, your options are to learn to live with it or move out. I doubt BF will change his sh&tty parenting of this child. And without parenting, this child's behavior will likely not change. Also, the defensive behavior from BF and his calling you a bully are red flags. He's just trying to make you out to be the bad guy so he can continue his sh&tty parenting. It seems to me he would rather fight with you and cause you and your kids unhappiness than to put his son in his place.
Word of caution: My ex husband was exactly the same way with his kid, who was 21 yo when I left the situation. I waited for 9 years for him to parent his son - he never did. But, he did point the finger at me and accuse me of "being mean" to his son, "pressuring him," etc.
Tread carefully.....
Please keep us posted!