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my husband's children moved in with us

LindyLinda's picture

My husband has 4 kids from 2 different marriages, and 3 of his kids moved in with us. I feel overwhelmed and depressed and not sure how to handle this situation.

Their mum decided that she doesn't want them anymore - long story - and she called the father to come to take them cause she is moving away to get married. The kids are 3 girls between 7 and 12 years old. We don't have a good relationship and they basically make a team against me, and the father always takes their side no matter what happens, like we can't co-parent cause we see things so different. I have another child as well. The kids grow up in a home without a system, sometimes they go to school sometimes no, they could always do whatever they wanted, my son grew up with a system, and all organized.

Has anyone been through something like this? This came all of a sudden, and I don't know how to start. I already struggle with depression and anxiety from before and now I just feel overwhelmed and don't know how to cope with this. My husband is shocked as well that she left her kids in this way. There is obviously no other place for the kids to go and I have to learn to live with this. What do I do?  Any advice really, please

Rags's picture

If BM is the CP in the CO, DH needs to take them back to her.  If he is paying CS he is paying BM to care for them.

At the very least he needs to nail her ass to the wall with a huge CS order.  CPs don't get to not care for their kids.  An NCP certainly can... as long as they are paying their CS obligation.

Good luck with this shit show.  Don't sacrifice yourself or your child to this harpy squad of hell spawned cooperative team of home invaders.  Do not tolerate their isolating you in your own home and family and for damned sure put an immediate end to your husband's failed father, failed parent, and failed mate crap of not closely controling his failed family progeny.

Good luck. Take care of you, take care of your own kid.

LindyLinda's picture

Thank you for your reply.

He pays everything for her, and gave her their house and car and besides she gets a good amount from the government, so I would say he fulfilled his side. He said that it is nothing that he can do if she doesn't want the kids, and will not leave them on the street. I feel sorry for them but i don't feel capable to deal with this.

He decided to seek the help of a lawyer to take full custody of the kids, cause apparently she doesn't want them and wants to take the kids before she might change her mind. I feel like I had no word to say in this. And he works long hours, so not sure how he is planning to do this. I told him that he has full responsibility for the kids and I will help but i can't deal with this.

Feels good to share it with somebody who understands the pain. I would hate to get until divorce for this reason. I married a separated man, of course, I should have thought about this, but the reality is that I was never thinking that we will get in this position. Also, in the beginning, I had a good relationship with the kids and I was hoping we will be like a family or something.

Has anyone been in similar situation?

Winterglow's picture

You start by sitting your husband down and hashing out how things are going to be. This is not a time for him to be a Disney dad, this is the time for him to be a full-time, hands-on parent and actually RAISE these kids. He needs to understand that YOU are the person he is supposed to back up and if he doesn't then all hell will be let loose. If he loves his kids, he will want a future for them and if they are to have a future they must be brought up to be decent human beings, whether they like it or not. They do not get  to call the shots in your home.

Make it clear that if things don't change pronto that you will be protecting your son and continuing to raise him as you always have and if that means moving out then so be it. He can't have it both ways. Either you act as a united front or you split. Don't subject your son to this mayhem. If your husband wants your help then he needs to do what it takes to get it and keep it. Ganging up on you will simply hasten the demise of your marriage.

Good luck.

hereiam's picture

Well, based on your first post, your husband is an abusive jerk, so step kids living you or not, you should think about leaving.

ndc's picture

Since your husband treats you badly in front of the kids, does this mean he'll be treating you badly all the time? If so, why stay?

Texashley33's picture

I really wish there was a law to where step kids have to stay with their mothers. Because I've been stuck with a terrible SS17 for years, bc his BM is a drunk with 2 DWI's, and doesn't care about anyone but herself. She lives 4 minutes away and has no responsibilities and we have to deal with SS17's lying, laziness, and Autism..He is also manipulative and abusive to all of us, and since he's always getting into trouble, he now chooses to hide in his room, and only come out when we are in our rooms or outside. I've had enough of him, because I've helped raise him since he was 3, and am really looking forward to him turning 18 in a few months. He is just like his BM and nobody likes her either. I'm hoping she has to deal with him for the rest of her life and suffer the way I've suffered dealing with him. 15 years of my life felt like prison dealing with her son. 

StrawberryPie's picture

I am so sorry you are going through this.  This sounds like a terrible situation and if the BM here just ditched the kids with us, I would be so upset.

The advise of have some real talk with your DH on what is acceptable and not is needed ASAP for their behavior and his.  He also neeeds a gameplan to care for his kids while he is at work.  Day care??  He also needs to consult a lawyer and stop paying CS if the BM is not providing any support.  Obviously :-)  

We are here for you!  Take it day by day.

Harry's picture

Doesn't work. If he not doing all the parenting.  Then think about ending it all. And move out leaving him with the kids by himself 

LindyLinda's picture

Thank you all for the reply, it really helps. Because society makes it look like it would be my responsibility to handle the situation as a stepmom, at a point I felt like it is wrong for me to act this way, but this is way too serious to just let it be.

Regarding my first post in the forum, anyone who saw it and advised me can all understand even better what I go through. For the moment he is stressed and his bad behavior didn't showed, but I am sure it just hiding somewhere inside him.

He went and spoke with his lawyer about this, and he advised him to take full custody of the kids but only if I agree. He already said to everyone that I have no problem with this but I told him that it is not so simple. I explained to him clearly that this is overwhelming for me up to the point where I feel that I want to die. I clearly explained to him that the kids will be 100% his responsibility and I am here to help out and not the other way around. He will have to take them to the school and bring them home, (because they go in a very different area to school than my son so I can't take them). He will have to cut down from his work and come home every night by 7 to help them to bathe and make dinner for them. He said he will do it, but frankly, I don't believe it. I don't want to sound selfish, but years before when they (he and his ex) decided to do 3 kids they should have considered that it is a responsibility for the whole life, and I should not pay for this. While he wanted us to have more kids, i don't want more kids and he knew this. It is enough what I have, and I don't want to take responsibility for something that was not my decision. I truly feel sorry for the kids, but they are 3, it is a huge responsibility that i can't handle.

 

I feel sorry for anyone who has to deal with step kids issues, and really this forum is a blessing, no judgment just the pure truth. Thank you really. 

Only to be able to say this it helps.

 

shamds's picture

This isn't an equity life partnership and your husband has no respect for you or he would discuss this with you for input and agreement of basic house rules and enforce them, not make executive decisions to let his pound of wild dogs run loose.

these are 3 girls soon to be teenagers and thats the worse, even worset if they become miniwives and the ganging up trying to control you is a sign of miniwives to come. Read up on it so you know how to prepare yourself. 
 

there comes a point where you must protect yourself and your kid as a priority and that includes not being around toxic arseholes. 
whenever my husband got upset at the horrible things i called his kids, i told him disrespectful arseholes don't get called nice things and people don't feel sorry and want to be around such toxic negative people.

thats life!!