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I need some support here---TELL ME LIKE IT IS

TheSaneOne's picture

I am welcoming some blunt honesty here - if you have an opinion please let me hear it.

THIs is where I am. IF you care to read - I will try to keep it short but I am notorious for rambling....

MArried - almost a year - lived together 2. 6 kids total - 3 mine - 3 his, now through adoption, 4 mine - 5 his. 4 live here - 6 here now

FInancial problems out the ass. I love my husband but sometimes I long for my old life. I put it all on the line here - I took him and his kids in when he couldn't take care of himself. TWo months later I buy Christmas for all of them. THen I financially take care of most everything. I Make enough to pay the bills - where the hell is the money going? HE blows it. I deal with the shit from his ex-wife _ i worry about his kids - i spend all my time being HIS rock and yet he can't even make sure my tag gets renewed? CAuse I can't pay everything anymore -
I am so overwhelmed, and unappreciated right now. I need support - I need him to help me - I like to ever evolve - to try and make things better. HE is happy to watch it all fall apart! I can't do it. I don't want to be in a relationship where I feel like I am the only one trying to make this life better.

Sorry guys Smile IF you took the time to read this I know it doesn't make sense but I am so frustrated right now and yet again he will be gone working all night and i am stuck here with 7 kids and a dirty house and anyone that knows me will tell you I CANT STAND FILTH!!!!!! OH yeah - and trying to figure out whre to get the money to pay the bills.

Comments

Most Evil's picture

I know exactly how you feel, I think many of us do. I too wish to have someone stronger than me take all the burden off me! In my case it is really laughable for me to handle the finances as I was very bad with them all by myself, but I do. Hubby feels he does all the housework because I am working 7 days a week but that is also a laugh. Does this crap ever end??

I need to read up more on your situation before I can understand more, but just wanted you to know, we are here for you, we care, you are not alone . . . !! can you go for a nice walk or something to help you get some perspective, or even just away??!!

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

TheSaneOne's picture

I wish - I have all 6 kids here but my other daughter just got home (Lol - not really my daughter but if her mom would give me rights I would take her - which may happen at school time as she can't register her for school without a lease and two utility bills on (she doesn't have electricity) so 7 kids alone fixing dinner - i am better off staying Smile plus - I can clean my frustration out!

ColorMeGone2's picture

What's the situation at your house with bank accounts and division of labor when it comes to managing money? Do you have joint or separate accounts? Do you each pay certain things or does one of you have sole responsibility for setting the budget and paying all the bills?

When I first married my DH, he handled the finances. (Or mishandled them, anyway.) He wasn't very organized, so even when we should have had the money, he'd forget to pay this or that when it was convenient to do so and then we'd have to play catch up when he figured out he'd missed something. It just wasn't working. I volunteered to take over and it's been smoother sailing since. DH makes the money. I spend it. I decide on the budget, I pay the bills and he checks with me before he spends a dime. I guess some guys might feel like that's emasculating, especially when he's the one who actually earns the money, but it's not done in that spirit. I'm the bookkeeper. It's one of my jobs. I keep up with it and him having to check with me before he spends is, to him, a small price to pay for having someone else deal with the finances.

I know you don't need one more responsibility. You've got your hands fuller than full. But if he'd keep his hands out of the cookie jar, it might make the stress of running your household diminish a little.

________________________________________________________________

ANNE 8102 | GEORGIA

laurels4u's picture

You've just described my DH! So I have to ask, because finances are a very sticky wicket in our house. This is my first marriage and my DH's second. We both work. He makes at least three times what I make eventhough I have two college degrees. DH's check is direct deposited and I put mine in the savings bi-monthly. I pay the bills and squeeze a nickel till it turns into a dime weekly. I leave the check register out for him and tell him to look at it after I've paid bills so he knows exactly where everything is going; he doesn't. He goes out assuming that there's always money in the account; there isn't.

How did you ever get your DH to CHECK with you before he spends a dime? I've threatened to quit paying the bills but can't because they're all in my name so if I go on strike, there goes my good credit. BTW, I DETEST confrontation and especially about money. I almost feel like I don't have much of a say on how his money is spent since I make so much less than he does, but he knew that before we married.

Like you told TheSaneOne, if DH kept his hands out of the cookie jar, we'd be better off and I'd be less stressed.

It is so frustrating!

sparky's picture

Did you volunteer for this position or is someone holding you there against your will?
"I took him and his kids in when he couldn't take care of himself." You need to get him and them out of there before they destroy you. You are doing the job of BM and BF and what are you getting out of it?

goingcrazy's picture

Honey, I completely understand your situation and I think I know alot about it. I have had the honor of talking to you outside of this realm and I can appreciate what you are saying. First let me say that you are incredible for taking on such a situation. You inspire me everyday. Secondly, I know what it feels like to take on a man and his kids when you are financially sound and he is... well, less than secure. I did the same thing. DH had a whole helluva lot of nothing when I met him. Now, if legal woes were equal to cash, he would have been rich. Sadly though, it was not the case. But just like you, I fell in love with him for him, not what he could bring to the table. And at the time, I had the finances that he had never experienced. But when my ex husband wiped me out and stole everything, he was there to pick up the pieces. We have stayed depleted because of the money it takes to contsantly fight the courts for Madi, but I try and look at the bigger picture. And at times I have thrown it in his face about how he has wiped me out and now I have twice the repsonsiblities that I did before. And I think about how life was before this chaos and maybe it would be better to go back to that way. Then I think about all that I would loose. I wouldnt get hugs and kisses from a child that I did not give birth to. I would lose a child that I worked so hard to earn love from. I would also lose a man who loves me very much and appreciates all that I do. One that could not live without me, at least not as well as now. But he is also a man that is like yous and has trouble showing it. But I am betting that he really does feel all those things, but doesnt get the words out the way you would like. We get in our desperate moments, like you are in now. And we dwell on the negatives. Focus on the good and try talking TO him about some changes that BOTH of you could possibly make to ease the burden on you. Sometimes I take it all on myself and get overwhelmed, then blame DH. But when I take a closer look, I see that I chose to take on so much. I think if you two talk about it, then you will be okay. We all get in slumps in our marriages. Try to delegate some responsibilities in your house so that it gets cleaned. I found that assigned chored will help quite a bit with the cleaning issues. ANd I only have two that I am making help me. Without asking, DH got on the bandwagon. Gradually he has even become more vocal with his appreciation. Hang in sweetie. You are incredible.

"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay."

TheSaneOne's picture

LOL - I chose it - sometimes I am a glutton for punishment. Its rewarding as well - I am just strung out to dry - I like the idea of splitting bills - i added him on my account - he can't handle money - i had to let him hang himself out to dry before he beleived me - i am not great as well but i am anal about bills - this is laxed since I met him - I need him to pull me up ya know?
RIght now I am just madder than a ...I don't know what but I just want to disengage and go to sleep Smile
Saturday he will be gone all day taking the girls back - 7 hours of my time isn't worth being there because he can't stand up for himself - i will be cleaning!!!

ANd tonight went on to be Nanny 9-1-1 as the wicked mom/stepmom came about - my house is spotless and my kids scared - LOL kidding - they helped out - knew i was stressed and showed me they loved me Smile THat does make it better!

Lace Lady's picture

I was raised to be submissive, but after all the experience I have had (& my bossy nature) there's no way. Things need to get done, other people don't take care of their own responsibilities, if it needs to get done then I have to do it, yet I don't have the power to make decisions? My ass!!! I have come to the conclusion that if I bear the responsibilities, then I rule the roost. Things are going to be my way & if you don't like it, then start helping out.

stepwitch's picture

I mean without 70 version of it's all good !! Wow !! Mike Brady wore plaid pants and went to work as an architect. Mrs. Brady had a maid, Alice. What is your maid's name?, I missed that? Daddy Brady needs to step up honey, no wonder your at your witts end. I would be too. I can only imagine what your going thru, I hope it helps to read all of your followers blogs. Hang in there, you are only one girl, one powerful girl I might add, but thier happiness and securities don't just land on your shoulders only. Be proud of your accomplishments and having the ability to hang for as long as you have - wow, you are awesome !!!

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

Nymh's picture

Every one of my girlfriends thinks I'm crazy for keeping my money seperate from my BF's. Well, the way they see it, his money is seperate and untouchable by me, and they would "never allow that". But we like it that way. I have bills that I am responsible for, and he has his. We both pay our respective bills toward the house that we live in together and it is a fair amount considering our earnings.

Do you have a retirement fund or savings account? If there is some way that you could stash away a small portion of your paycheck every month, that might help you to feel more secure. It's amazing how fast my savings has grown just by putting 10% of my check in every month.

Have you ever sat down and done a hard budget? Do you balance your accounts regularly? Sometimes getting a hold on your finances is as easy as just knowing where everything is going - and from the sound of it, you don't know where everything is going. I think you should sit down with your DH sometime when you have a couple of hours and come up with a financial plan. You can always budget in $50 a month or so spending money (that's my figure because I don't spend much on myself, it can be more or none) so that each of you has extra in your wallet in case you see something you need. But you can't tap into the money that's already budgeted for something else.

It sounds like a horrible, painful process, but it's a lifesaver. I feel so much better and more secure when I know where my money is and where it's going.

Here are some great books that are quick reads and have a lot of very VERY good information in them:

Make Money, Not Excuses by Jean Chatzky - my favorite. Geared toward women, teaches you how to take charge of your finances and has a lot of tips on how to grow your money.
Smart Women Finish Rich by David Bach. A man's perspective on how women keep themselves from becoming rich and how to change it. It's actually very good as well.

Sorry if it's a little much for one comment but I am VERY BIG on finances and investing. If you'd like to talk more, I'd be happy to help any way I can. Good luck!

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

Mrs Katch 22's picture

in the beginning, i was a big advocate of "his/hers/ours" account. this didn't work because he was always short on his end. funny this came up,..bm told me once that she didn't know what the arrangement was with our finances, but if it were her, she wouldn't pay for anyone else's kid. but....when you're married, everything might as well be "ours" i have all the credit cards in my name and added him as an additional card member, that way i can monitor the finances. he has direct deposit into our joint account and a certain amount gets put aside into his personal account to cover child support -- give or take an extra $50/$60. he seldom carries cash because i know he's too lazy to go to the bank so he uses the cc for everything.

side note...on a few occasions, i used to get really bitter about how much money was going to his kid..so i'd take a few extra $$ and splurge on a coach purse or massage or something Smile i know it's bad...but oh well Smile

about cleaning....assign something to each child...it'll help you out and team them about responsibility Smile should watch john and kate plus 8 on the TLC channel.

TheSaneOne's picture

He has a tendency to spend sometimes 10-30 dollars a day at gas stations and fast food - sometimes more (he is on the road alot with work) I have offered a small lunch cooler - he won't take it. A lot of the money goes to child support, gas to get to work and back and groceries. I have spent as much as 1500 a month on food - a lot of times people need help and we are there. I can't do that anymore - I can't feed an extra 2-4 people everyday in addition to the two adults, seven kids mostly, three adult dogs and a litter of puppies.
The vacation we just took was very much needed for everyone involved - now we have to play catch up again.
I am going to do what another poster suggested - no more our money - he's going to be responsible for half the bills. He makes as much as I do now. My car note is more expensive, but he also pays child support. I will be loosing child support this month since he's adopting my daughter.
I am going to have to just point blank outline what he has to pay. I do bills six weeks in advance and try to have written down exactly what will come out of the next few checks - he pays what he can out of one - pushes the rest off and they end up being MORE than the paychecks because he didn't realize what all was due.

Of course this morning because I didn't want to fight caused a fight. I wouldn't engage it - I ignored it and wet about my business and left with his accusation that I must hate him that much (by not being lovey dovey this morning I guess) He woke up pissed off cause of yesterday - I need my space right now to figure out what I need to do. I am not interested in entertaining what he is going to do because he is all talk and no action. I have no time for it right now.

Colorado Girl's picture

I'm a bookkeeper by trade and have a nearly perfect credit score so I know a little about this stuff. So DH listened when I told him he was broke.

Hubby gets an allowance. Doesn't have a choice. I dug him out of a financial hole that he would have never recovered from without yours truly.

I put it all on paper and showed just how much he contributes (or didn't at one point). It put our financial situation in perspective.

When a bill goes away or cs goes down, his "allowance" goes up. It gives him incentive to take care of his sh*t. Smile

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley