Issues with SS and SD turning 18
Reading some of these threads brought back some thoughts I had with my DW. Over the past few years as my SS and SD aproached the 18yo mark, my DW had some parenting advice that caught me off guard. I have no children of my own, raised these skids for 17 years now, with her. I was attempting to parent the children, education, inform and still discipline if needed. They were living under our roof. The skids would either try to push a boundary or want to do something or ignored chores etc. I'd bring it to my DW's attention. I don't like being the only parent trying to maintain structure even though my wife's style is best described as "hands off" IMO. I'd explain to my DW what I observed or what is going on and ask for her feedback or what we should do as parents to address the issue with the skids. In the instance of my now SD20, when she was 17 and also my SS18 when he was 17. My DW's response would be along the lines of "they will be 18 in half a year anyhow, what can I do about it?" or other phrases along the same line. For me, it seemed like a cop out. As if we should stop caring or providing guidence because they will be 18... but still in high school. She used these sort of phrases on many occasions with both of my skids during their approach to 18. When I discovered my SS16-17 was vaping AND in the house. I was not thrilled at all. Of course I brought this to her attention. She will dismiss me at times. Saying I am complaining or "too critical" and that kids make mistakes and "if this is the worse thing he ever does it's not that bad". Although in this process she also notes that she isn't happy he is doing this and we need to do something about it. Of course this issue continues and I cannot parent alone so no united front means he continues this behavior. I just got annoyed that this and other examples of teenagers needing structure turns in to me getting shut down by my DW with the "they are almost 18, what am I suppose to do? Anyone seen this before?
How do you excuse horrible?
How do you excuse horrible? But that is what parents without parenting skills do... they make excuses, ignore on purpose and support highly inappropriate behavior, regardless of the effects on others surrounding them. Only tolerate what you can and remove yourself from everything else. The consequences of not parenting are always observed in the child's future success; or lack thereof 99.9 of the time.
It is true, that you reap what you sow.....Parents can parent when they are young or the parents will pay consequences later. It is predictable.
My parents raised me and my
My parents raised me and my two younger bros with very firm standards of behavior and performance and yet my mom plays the cards that your SO is playing when it comes to her grandspawn. I stick to my parents earlier parenting model. It works great.
I think I would immediately enforce standards of behavior and performance in your home whether your DW wants to or not. It may be too late for your Skids to benefit but the standards should be immediately set and enforced.
If they don't like it... they will be 18 soon and can GTFO. If your SO doesn't like how you parent and discipline then she can step up and get it done before you have to. If she does not do so in compliance with the standards of behavior and performance... you do it. If she doesn't step up then she can STFU and have your back until you and she can discuss it in private.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
At least, he isn't smoking
My DW used to quarrel with my SS quite a lot and it reached the point where she would try to find out faults in almost everything he does. She preys on him like a hungry wolf, wanting to cause trouble. And once he was 18, the rules were "lifted" and he was generally happy. I knew he had smoking habits when I noticed a pack of cig buds popping out of his jacket. I didn't really want to initiate a conversation with her regarding this and had a one-on-one with SS. Well, things turned out nicely and I bought him some vaping gear and diy ejuice flavors (https://iblissvapor.com/product-category/diyeliquid/diy-flavors/) to help him experiment and be more creative and feel like an adult
Heard vaping is on the safer side if moderated and helps cigarette addicts quit. And who knows? He could even be a YouTube sensation one day. Personally, I love the variety.