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Marriage is shaky

dargondragon's picture

**Also a cross post from Dad's Den** Delete if posting her eis out of line.  Hey all, new to the forums.  I'll avoid the lengthy stuff (for now).  We've been married for 13 years and were together for longer.  This is my first marriage and her 2nd.  The children were very young when we got marriage.  Now they are 18 and 20.  The youngest just graduated HS and the oldest will be entering their Junior year at college.  Over the years our marriage has had many issues, which span over most issues that can go wrong with a relationship and parenting.

The typical the kids are finished with high school lets discuss parting ways.  Both of us aren’t happy.  I know the difficult choices and discussions are right around the corner.  The bio dad for her kids are in their life but usually not financially and isn’t a big part of their lives.  I’ve co-parented and supported them and my wife for most of the years.   I have so many questions but will start off slow.  I’m not sure how things should go from there.  As a stepparent, where do my responsibilities end and continue in the event we get a divorce?  The discussions about the future are very hard for me to have with her.   She’s pushed down the fact her 2nd marriage is coming to an end and sometimes proceeds as normal.  When the subject comes up again, it’s a big stink and usually a fight.  My stepson will be going off to the college soon.  The financial aspects of the tuition etc are up in the air. 

I’m struggling with the transition and how my wife and I should handle the finances when it comes to his college and future.  The children know we fight but not certain they know we will be ending the marriage.  I fear the information would be a huge distraction to the new graduate.  Then again I really do not know.  My wife mentioned to me that I should get my social security number ready soon, it’ll be needed in filling out FASA info.  I’m not sure what to do or how to deal with the situation.  My wife was not very good with money, not that I was great with the finances.  I tried to be fickle and she IMO was overspending.  For many years she was stay at home mom before going in to the work force.  Over the past year or so we’ve fought over finances. I knew of all the expenses coming up with HS ending for her son and college tours, traveling, moving, fees for colleges etc.  She continued to spend her money (we split our finances about 7 months ago for the first time due to the purchasing choices.  Her poor money choices cause for me to step up.  Anyhow, where do I go from here?

SteppedOut's picture

Sounds like you are "done" but she isn't willing to discuss it... I would go see an attorney before you get suckered into paying for someone else's kid to go to college 

dargondragon's picture

Her and I are both unhappy.  We've discussed being unhappy and not feeling that we can fix things.  We also discussed waiting until we got the youngest through high school before we proceeded with looking in to divorce.  This is a discussion her and I've had a handful of times and she concluded it would be best for both our happiness.  Then a few weeks later or a month, it's like the discussion never happened.  Until the next time it comes up, then she gets upset all over again.  I realize this is going to be difficult for everyone involved.  Now that the discussion of the finances for the youngest who goes off to college in the fall, it's on my mind.  It seems my DW leaned on me financially thoughout the years even though I pushed  for her to be independent. There was no reason she couldn't save money, build credit, finish school, get jobs (as many as she wanted).  She had a husband (me) that took a lot of that burden off of her.  My DW decided to spend more than she made and half of what I made instead.  Petty fights over me not wanting to make expensive purchases that were unnecessary with the bigger picture of bills that related to the kids will be coming up.  Now she is living paycheck to paycheck since we split finances 8 months ago.  The fight before we split finances involved her wanting to spend money on herself for things that weren't need.  ie a vacation with a friend and electronics she already had access to.  The ball was left in my court when it came to shelling out thousands toward the kids college future etc.

sandye21's picture

For HER maybe!  As others have suggested, get a good lawyer to see where you stand both legally and financially.  Pretty sure the lawyer will tell you that you do not need to fund her children's college or her extravagant life style.  It sounds as if she knows it is over but can't force herself to split form her cash source - you.  You are being used.  If you know it's over, and she knows it's over - it's over.

Siemprematahari's picture

Where are your step children's father in all this? Can he assist in their college education? I'm wondering if she's hesitant to get a divorce because she wants your information for financial assistant?

dargondragon's picture

My skids bio dad lives about 35 minutes away and did not play a big role in their upbringing.  He's on his 3rd marriage now.  His kids are with the 1st, and he married two other women that already had kids.  Child support is garnished from him and it's been this way for nearly a decade.  He sees them and does stuff with my skids but he isn't interested in giving them money for college.  My SS20 was upset when she graduated high school and he offered no assistance.  I'm sure my DW is scared to get her 2nd divorce and face all the challenges on her own financially.  

CLove's picture

Well, this might be begging the question, but why do you continue thinking you will need to pay for children? The bio father and mother should. Are you feeling a close bond with them and wish to continue a relationship after divorce? 

Its telling that you are wanting to stay for the childrens sake, but not knowing your relationship with them at this point in time, makes it more difficult to give an opnion.

Off the top, you should consult lawyer and move out. The separation isnt really a separation if you are still living together and you are still involved in her life. If you are getting divorced, for certain, then all bets are off, and the hard discussions will need to happen, whether she chooses to address them or not.

Good luck, Im sure there is more to your story.

dargondragon's picture

I've helped raise these children for 17 years... from before grade school and now in to college.  I would like to have a relationship with the skids after the a divorce but not sure how good that will be.  I don't know if they will resent me or feel let down or what have you.  I haven't started any separation process yet nor do the skids know about for certain about the possible divorce.  I have concerns that paying for college will be an issue for my DW and could cause issues for the SS18's future.  I'm definitely feeling some guilt but as many here have mentioned... I am not their bioparent.  At times, I feel I care and provide for them more than their biomom and dad. 

SteppedOut's picture

Sounds like you did pay the lions share! And she took what was remaining to do with as she pleased. What a way to show gratitude for someone that helped her raise her children. What is really telling is you don't really sound resentful... I would be! Best of luck to you and your future happiness! 

dargondragon's picture

I am really resentful and a lot of other feelings too. :)  I'm just here to get some answers and direction.  I could seriously rant about her and the situation 24/7 if no one stopped me. Years and years of arguing and fighting over money, trust me, it pisses me off to the core.

Ispofacto's picture

It sucks.  With the kids aging out, you two should be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel we are all waiting for, the start to your golden honeymoon years.  I'm sorry.

Merry's picture

I don't think you have any financial obligation to your step children. Doesn't mean you can't help them financially if you choose to do so, though. If you are close with any of the steps, you can continue to maintain a relationship with them outside of your marriage. Don't let them be the sticking point in figuring out how to move ahead. Trust that there are reasonable solutions and compromises even if they are not evident to you right this minute.

But first you have to know what you're dealing with, your obligations, and all your options. Only an attorney can help sort that out. Then decide what you want to do, prepare what you need, and move on.

dargondragon's picture

It's been a rollercoaster over the past 17 years living as a family.  I'll be 43 this year and knowing all the stuff that will need to be dealt with soon, it's pretty daunting.  All these years when I provided for my DW and skids and gave her the opportunity to save money, get a college education (dropped the ball on this one).  Financially she is living paycheck to paycheck making purchases with only herself in mind.  Although her actions affect both me and the skids if a real expensive needs to get taken care of, falls on my lap.  My finances and credit have gone to crap also, even though I do make good money.  

 

Thinking back to all the purchases we made but I lost the argument.  Our 4 person unlimited cell phone plan that cost the same as a car payment.  It didn't matter that I use the least amount of data in the household I still get stuck with a large portion of this bill.  Over the years, when my DW and SS would exceed our data limit and I tried to get them to stop.  The issue never got resolved but it always resulted in a fight which I lost.  Apparently increasing our data plan over and over instead of using data like a responsible person with limitations was out of the question.  This sort of fight always happens over money.  I think it's too expensive or want to teach everyone moderation or responsibility and get on WiFi.  Her idea is to just keep paying more on our wireless bill instead of discipline or restrict everyones wifi access.  Even now under the unlimited plan, I use the least anmount of data.  How fantastic it is that I get to pay 65% of a bill I fought to keep low and everyone use their cell phones like people with limits.

I understand that I make more and have more money to spend but it shouldn't be ripped out of my hands unwillingly when a normal, reasonable solution is so obvious to me.  Bitterness over money and various things always come up.  My SS will leave empty bottles on the dining room table with the caps laying there.  Sometimes, 5 bottles sitting there having a party for days.  I notice it, I've tried to get him to pick it up and toss it away.  I explained how this needs to happen each time he is done wiht something.  It rarely happens, I address it to my DW... she considers me complaining and turns it in to how I "hate" the kids.  The only reason I've been in this relationship so long was for the skids.  If this stuff was going on and she had no kids, it would beover.,  Sorry, venting!

WesternGirl's picture

I think Merry makes excellent points. Just wanted to say I applaud you for your love for your SKIDs...it sounds like, regardless of what happens with divorce, they need a responsible, caring adult in their lives. Whether or not you chose to play this role -- and regardless of whether it includes giving money -- you will have been a good stepfather. I wish you the very best of everything as you decide how to proceed.

witch.hazel's picture

I think it's great if you still want to be a step father figure in their lives, but the households will no longer be combined, and no one should expect you to support them financially. Helpful gifts of money on b-days and holidays, maybe. Being there for them if they need to talk and celebrating their accomplishments would be nice if you wished. But you are not their bio father, so you have an opportunity to move on from financally supporting any of them or their mother. 

And if moving on for you means dating at some point, as a woman, I met a man who was great in every way, but I couldn't date him because he continued to support EX stepkids. When he bought one a car, I knew I'd spend too much time feeling angry if I dated him. I would set up the expectation from the beginning that the wallet is closed. Starting now. If not, it could be a problem for your next partner, and those habits of dependence are hard (for the ex family) to break.

still learning's picture

My husband had to help fill out a FAFSA for bs19, his stepson, while exH (his biodad) was on the hook for nothing. If the kid has been living with a bio and step parent then they are the ones who fill out the forms.  

I just want to point out that you have supported her in being a stay at home mom and you likely have been the main bread winner all of these years, when/if you divorce that may be taken into consideration and you may have to pay a substantial amt of alimony depending on your state.  My husband has been paying for exHO to sit on her @ss for 13 years and he still has 2 more to go.  

If you divorce and go into the dating pool with an ex wife and ex step kids still financially tied to your wallet and are planning to fork out for at least 4 years of college to a skid you're not going to be much of a catch to anyone but an insane woman. Lots of stories on here about women dating/marrying men with ex skids who create huge issues in their lives. 

You're not happy now, just wait until you're divorced. That's going to suck royaly when all your money is going to lawyers splitting up your life. Maybe you'll want to try counseling and possibly working it out because the grass ain't always greener on the other side and it's often cheaper to keep her.  

Blue Moon's picture

You supported your Skids thoughout their childhoods, which is more than you had to do.

They are adults now. They can get student loans if their own parents can't pay for their studies.