Fear of growing up
So, putting things together, I'm starting to think SS9 has a fear of growing up -- or at least a reluctance to do it. I mentioned it to DH, who was surprised and skeptical that kids can feel that way. I assured him it's not abnormal.
The bathroom issues (see my other thread). The clinginess. The easy tears. The frustration/half-hearted attempts at anything new. His stated dislike of moving to the older group in daycare. His occasional babytalk and wanting to rehash stories of his baby/toddler years.
We removed the booster seats from the car a couple of weeks ago since SS9 is now beyond the height and weight requirements. Well, yesterday, I noticed the seat back in DH's car (SS9 wasn't there). I asked why it was there and DH said SS had complained that he liked it better with the seat. I told DH, "Well, of course he does. He's not used to riding without it yet. But he's really too big for it." DH said that was fine with him and took it out and put it back in our donate pile.
Maybe he just isn't used to it yet. But I suspect there may be more to it.
I wonder if there's an added element of trying to hold onto "when mom and dad lived together." He can't remember back that far since he was barely 3 when they separated but I've wondered. DH has also wondered if he's struggling with some of that now. At his school's Thanksgiving lunch, when both parents were there, apparently SS had a minor meltdown, which he couldn't explain later.
I am team cold turkey myself
I am team cold turkey myself. Put him in pull ups for a few days as a clear message that the phantom shitter escapades need to end.
No more booster seat and no delays in going to the appropriate age group activities.
Good luck.
It happens even in intact families
I have two nieces, parents are married and things are fine. The older one couldn't wait to be older, the younger one wants to stay young as long as possible. It's their personalities. Now, my sibling has not allowed either to be way above or below what is appropriate for their age. But it's them and not circumstances.
Oh, I know! I would go
Oh, I know! I would go through that "I don't want to grow up" thing from time to time as a kid and my parents were (and stil are) happily married.
I think I wonder in SS's case because of circumstances and because he has mentioned to BM before that he wished she and DH would get married again and they could all live together "like we used to when I was a baby."
My YSDstb14 is struggling
My YSDstb14 is struggling with this too. However, DH has finally, finally taken notice. She recently didn't want to make her own meals every now and then (even though she used to to this regularly from age 12), she doesn't tell us what food/snack items she wants even if we are at the store with her, she doesn't want to wear a size up in pants even though she complains about how short the other ones are (she's for sure a 12 not an 8, 8!!, any longer), absolutely REFUSES to ever, ever sit in the front passenger seat of ANY car - I gave up on this because she went into hysterics the last time I tried to get her to do this so it's all on BM/DH now (I think it's important that she does so every so often so she watches how drivers drive and is used to seeing things from a front-forward perspective...helping create a better younger driver), Does not want her own phone and does not want her own computer...she got her own computer for xmas and practically tossed it away from herself and she has a very old phone that doesn't work well and she refuses to either use it (the phone works fine) and/or refuses a newer one.
She doesn't want to socialize with friends after school unless parents organize it. She acts like she's 10 too, too much. I refuse to coddle her. DH has been pushing back, talking with her about personal responsibility and growing up to be in control of your own life. I'm happy he's been really good at this lately. She's going to have issues when her cycle starts (should be any time really...she's still growning like a weed so we're not concerned yet).
YSD has been really coddled and everything has been done FOR her; I suspect she doesn't have to make many decisions at BMs which fuels the issue. She wants a size 8 pant? OK, she'l get that.
Glad you DH has finally
Glad you DH has finally started to notice! Growing up is scary, I get that. Some kids really do feel safer or happier when they're younger without the responsibilities, confusing feelings, etc. But I think it's the parents' job to gently, lovingly guide them along and not allow them to wallow in baby/little kid-dom.
SS is like that with clothes to some extent. He'll wear clothes that are way too small without complaint. Some of that may just be laziness and not liking to try stuff on. DH is very observant about SS's clothes and how they're fitting. BM, not so much. He's come over to our house before wearing shorts that were a size 6 and underwear that was a size 5 -- and he was 8 years old (and tall for his age) at the time. Or wearing pants that were an inch or two too short. She'll buy him new toys every week or a brand new iPad "just because" but she'll let him keep wearing clothes that are two sizes too small. Thankfully she's been better about it lately.
Once when we went through his clothes and pulled some out to donate because they were too small, SS ran off crying. And we're not talking about clothes with sentimental attachment like a favorite pair of pajamas or a t-shirt from a fun trip. We're talking about generic school uniform polos and pants.
I don't find anything normal
I don't find anything normal about this. Never haiiebed in my family or with my Skid.
Manipulative bullshit is far from normal.