It’s going to be a long summer!
So, the custody arrangement for SS9 is 50/50, trading off every Sunday (with occasional adjustments for travel, special circumstances, etc.) School is over now. And his usual summer day care isn't reopening until mid-August. We're very fortunate in that DH's job situation is very flexible and he's able to mostly work from home. When he does go in, he can take SS with him. I'm also working from home for now but that could change at any time.
Well, SS is driving DH nuts. He's constantly watching YouTube on TV or playing video games, making weird noises, talking, bouncing around and acting goofy, etc. Today, DH had to go in for a short meeting and was taking SS with him. It took SS forever to get ready (saying there were bugs in his bathtub -- no bugs, playing basketball in his room instead of showering, then asking for DH to fix him a lunch -- at 10:45). So, DH left later than he wanted and was likely late for the meeting. Not a huge deal. DH is the boss. But still. His irritation was off the charts.
Me? I just kept doing my work and ignoring. I knew what was going on but didn't offer to help. Not my circus. Not my monkey. DH has a pattern of this. He gets frustrated and annoyed and complains. Wants to know what he should do. I offer suggestions. He ends up doing none of it or feels I'm too tough.
Part of the problem is his own mommy issues. He feels like his parents were too strict. So, any real rules or strictness, he gets uncomfortable. I'm much tougher than he is -- not because I'm mean but because I think structure is important. So is learning how to hear and accept "no." When I suggest something or make a comment, it tends to remind him of his mom and he has a negative reaction.
Whatever. He's going to have to learn how to put in effort and deal with SS, give him consequences for actions. Teach him how to apologize, how to be responsible, how to entertain himself sometimes. Otherwise he'll just have himself to blame. And summer will be miserable. I suggested things like finding some fun projects they can do, instituting a daily quiet, screen-free time, etc. DH nods but I can tell he won't enforce. He complains about BM but he's the same way -- both terrified of doing anything that might upset SS. From what I hear he was a very difficult baby/toddler. He's actually not a bad kid (mostly obedient and polite) but the laziness and entitlement are off the charts.
Stay strong
Stay strong, girl. I agree, it is going to be a terribly long summer. The one and only way your DH MIGHT see the light is if he must handle it all 24/7.
To much effort to parent
Let DH handle his kid. Stay out of it until SS is disrespectful to you, or your home. Then step in to make DH handle that
That's exactly what I'm doing
That's exactly what I'm doing. They just got hone and DH was in a foul mood. Said SS was constantly making noise and running around his office while they were there. I just kind of nodded. Asked, "What do you want to do about it?" He just sat there sullen. Then got fed up with the dog and kid being there and went upstairs. I'm letting him handle himself.
If it were me, I'd read SS the riot act and tell him exactly what the consequences would be for such behavior. But DH will likely sulk, complain, and let SS go on unchecked. I just get tired of hearing the complaining. For me, if you want to complain, fine, but you'd better also come up with some ideas.
I feel you
To my frustration and heartache, I'm dealing with the same thing x2. (SS16 & SD14). I've been in their lives since they were 5 & 7 and felt false assurance from this wild idea I had that they would get better as they got older. Jokes on me. I'm like you too, I feel structure is very important and while DH says he agrees, he's too scared of the kids "not wanting to visit anymore" if he enforced rules. They're with us this summer. We're military so we're in different states from BM, who is extremely unhelpful. When they're with BM, SS plays video games all day, lives on pop tarts and ramen noodles, and has no bedtime or social interaction. We now have a 16 year old who refuses to try a summer job (any job) or try for his license. The SD is 14 with no internal compass, no rules, a foul mouth, and no appreciation. They're up all hours of the day and night. I'm foundering bc we always go from zero to 100 with the kids. They don't respond to my calls or texts when they're with BM but then I'm expected to stop my life when they arrive, while DH reaps all the love and adoration from them. No alone time with DH, who loves me and his kids deeply but who doesn't put much thought into how important boundaries and structure are. He's also afraid of following his parents footsteps bc of discipline/abandonment issues from his childhood- which dare I say led him to marry young and divorce young himself. I try to tell him the kids will love him no matter what and will likely even feel more security with him if we have clear, consistent expectations and structure. But he gets overwhelmed easily and nothing comes to fruition. I sadly lock myself away in my bedroom most days to work from home. COVID has of course made this all the more painful since there is no escape. As an attorney, the stakes are high for my work life and this dynamic at home is taking a toll. I want my own kids someday but I'm less and less encouraged by seeing SS & SD's lack of respect for me and our relationship. Not something I would want my child to see. DH says things will be different with "our" kids bc we will have them full time and get to instill the values we both want. But I fear that too, that he will have this skewed, disportionate, best friend relationship with step kids and a totally different relationship with "our" kids. I weigh the pros and cons about that a lot. All I can do is disengage and I definitely recommend that in your case too!
Anyway so sorry to make this about me! Sometimes I just like to share to remind others were not alone because that is something that helps me. Without this forum I feel extremely alone in this journey so I appreciate you sharing! Hang in there and don't forget your worth!
"Not wanting to visit any
"Not wanting to visit any more". That his is even a thing is mind boggling to me.
That parents would tolerate this is just crazy.
There are services that will collect children.
I would seriously consider engaging one of them in this type of situation.
My thoughts exactly! I tell
My thoughts exactly! I tell him it's not "optional" it's a court order. His reply is "what kind of father needs the courts to compel his kids to visit." Regardless, it's boggling because it just wouldn't happen. It's an unrealized fear that isn't relevant with these kids. They love their dad & they're not going to stop visiting just because he stops letting them them talk back or gives them A chore. Frustrating excuses but trying not to disregard his fears.
Disengaging
https://www.stepmommag.com/2017/09/25/5-signs-its-time-for-a-stepmother-...