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Sorting out the problem

Hastings's picture

I'm getting frustrated and fed-up.

For a while, SS10 and I had a decent relationship. But the last year or so, he's gotten more distant. Apparently DH talked to him and he's said he doesn't like me or my family.

Can't say I'm shocked.

I'm the tougher one in the house. DH tends to be wrapped up in his own world and not notice things like breaking of rules. I end up pointing it out to DH or (nicely or with a joke) calling SS on it. Things like taking food to his room, which DH has told him not to do but he still does.

DH and I had a talk and I thanked him for pointing it out, that most of my interactions with SS are negative. I think he's right there. SS barely talks to me at all, just his dad. We only see him really in the period of dinner until bedtime. The rest of the time he's gaming in his room.

I'm sure he sees me as the heavy.

I told DH he was probably right. From now on, I'll keep my mouth shut. If simethjng doesn't bother DH, it's up to me to get over it. If it does bother him, it's up to him to deal with it.

He also complained that I love my nephew and nieces more than SS. Not really. Different? Yes. Are we more affectionate? Yes. But I've known them their whole lives. They initiate hugs, etc.

SS is an only child and grandchild. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't understand/can't handle not being the only child in someone's life.

Anyway, I think I need to just disengage. I do find SS irritating. He's hyper, messy, forgetful, etc. Normal kid stuff.

My Problem is really more with his parents. They spoil him. Baby him. Let him get away with things. Use inconsistent discipline. That's not SS's fault, though. And if they want to parent that way, I need to stand back and let them do what they're going to do -- unless and until it impacts my life.

Thing is, DH will complain about things, then do nothing to fix it. It's like they're both either too lazy or too scared to do anything. A couple of weeks ago, SS got in trouble at (virtual) school. He then spoke disrespectfully to his mother and threw something at her. Both parents were more upset with the teacher for how he handled it. I was horrified that a 10-year-old is lashing out physically at his mother and that the parents were NOT horrified.

TwoOfUs's picture

Lol.

I don't really love my stepkids at all. And I adore my niece and nephews. I have no kids of my own, so they're the closest thing to biokids I'll ever get. When they grow up and have kids, I'll probably treat those kids as grandkids. Can't wait. 

Of course I adore them and love them more than my stepkids. They share my DNA. Not only have I known THEM their whole lives...I'm the oldest of 6, and I've known their moms/dad their whole lives too. When they make a face that reminds me of my baby sister/brother...it's almost too much to handle. 

My DH loves his kids and his niece/nephews by blood more than he loves my niece/nephews...his by marriage. It's natural. I don't try to make him feel guilty about it or scold him because he does more for those nieces and nephews than mine.

My stepkids are fine. Now that they've all grown into pretty decent human beings...I can handle having them in my life. I chat with them via text sometimes...we have them over for dinner. Do I go out of my way to spend loads of time with them like I do my niece/nephews? No...I do not. 

These selfish single dads crack me up...marry a childless woman. Expect her to be the heavy and do all the discipline/parenting. Expect her to cook, clean...provide care for a child she didn't create. Expect her to take the worst of both worlds on your behalf...to accept being childless without any of the benefits of being childfree. Lay way, way, way too much on her...and then act surprised and hurt when the "blending" (which is really just her giving over to everything you and your offspring want) doesn't take and she feels resentment. 

Oh. And cherry on the top...then try to make HER feel guilty and selfish and make hurtful comparisons...because she invests time and resources into the only biologically-related children she has in her life and doesn't just spend everything she is and everything she has on YOUR kid(s). 

GTFO with that nonsense. 

 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I wish every single parent who wants to date would read this. I had this conversation (more gently) with my sister, who married a man without kids, and who is now struggling. Hell, i didn't even realize these things until i dated a man with kids, an irresponsible BM, and who tried to give me too much responsibility but no control. Honestly, most parents think the sun shines out of their kids' a$$es, and just can't understand why their new partner doesn't share all of their feelings about their kids and, often, their ex.

I blame a child-centric and child worshipping society that tells us kids are *everything*. It's not about you, it's about the KIDS! Well, look what this attitude is doing to those precious kids. Family stability and child mental health are getting worse, from what i can see. If the adults in a home aren't healthy, nobody will be. 

tog redux's picture

This is why the stepparent being the heavy doesn't work - if neither of the bio parents care to discipline, the kid just blames the stepparent for making their life miserable - with their bio parents' blessing. 

Yes, you should disengage, but expect things to get worse. This kid is being taught that he can do no wrong and rules don't apply to him, and he's only going to get bigger and more challenging to deal with. 

Also - I love my nieces and nephew far more than I like SS.  I even like DH's niece and nephews far more than I like SS, and I've only met them maybe 10 times.  If your SS is unlikeable, why would you like him? 

(Hyper, messy and forgetful aren't normal kid behaviors, either). 

Hastings's picture

I've let myself get into a bad pattern, obviously. DH and I would talk about problems and come up with a solution but then DH is haphazard about following through so I ended up being the one to say something. Or I'd point it out to DH and then everything I say about SS is negative.

SS has a tendency to just walk off and leave an empty wrapped or a paper napkin. I get tired of telling him to throw it away. When I do, I'm a #?%>*. Also, DH and I had an agreement about SS taking food to his room since he's shown that he can't be trusted to bring dishes back or not leave food out where the dogs could get it. Yet he still takes it up there and DH is usually preoccupied.

He's also started calling DH a boomer and making jokes about him being old, which drives DH up the wall. Yet he just lets him keep doing it without saying anything.

I really just need to go neutral on it all.

It doesn't help that DH and I have had some arguments (nothing to do with SS) while SS is in the house. Not my choice and I try to keep a lid on it but DH has some emotional control problems. I know SS has heard arguing. Naturally, he'll blame me.

MissK03's picture

I'm going to laugh at the "boomer" comment. SS17 told my SO the same thing a few months ago. SO is 43. Not quite a boomer... SO was just like WTF are you talking about??!!??? And corrected him and told him his 76 year old father was a boomer for clarification. 

Hastings's picture

Another issue here is that DH feels his parents were overly strict and there were too many rules. So, he's hyper-sensitive to too much correction or too many rules for SS. Yet complains about SS's messiness and behavior. Insert eye roll. He's not doing SS any favors. Rules are important. They can be taken too far, of course, but they're very necessary.

As it is, SS doesn't know how to handle criticism or correction. He starts crying or gets angry.

tog redux's picture

He's making sure his son can never be a functional adult with a happy life. There is something between too strict and too permissive. 

Hastings's picture

That's my fear. I just don't see how all this will benefit SS. And we've talked about middle ground. My parents were not what I would call strict. We had a lot of fun. But there were most definitely rules and consequences.

SeeYouNever's picture

My husband is like this as well. It's a weird double standard that no one can discipline SD because you have to treat her like she is intrinsically perfect. Kids don't come out with good manners and doing their homework on their own... Parents have to teach them these things and enforce good habits. To discipline her is to admit she isn't perfect and therefore DH isn't perfect either.

Hastings's picture

Yeah, he's not learning what he needs to know. His mother especially coddles him. Her parents are the type who would hand him $100 as a "pre-Christmas gift." Oy.

I don't treat him like the center of the universe. Neither does my family. We're nice to him, but he's not treated like he's special. Probably doesn't know how to process that.

Similar to DH. He gets upset at the idea of anyone else disciplining him, but can't be bothered to do it himself. He says he wants me to be able to speak up and is fine with me correcting SS but when it impacts our relationship, it's my fault.

Cover1W's picture

OP I had this EXACT SAME PROBLEM with my DH.  Right down to the food in room issue, leaving trash around, me being too "authortarian" and allllll of what you are saying. Which manifested in lazy and entitled SDs. Add to that a BM who lets the kids run her house. And yes, an OSD who did throw things if she was mad (a pen one time at DH which narrowly missed me - and yes oh boy she got in trouble for that because it broke DH's rule of no violence) at both DH and I know at BM too.

I just stopped helping at all. Nothing. No fun stuff with me, no special food bought, no more clothes, no more fun time. You don't get the rewards by ignoring those around you and elder's standards. If things went too far however, I would step in with only one warning to DH, "DH, if you don't correct X then I will handle it my way." Most often this was due to rotten food in the bedroom and smells spilling into the hallway due to filthy clothes, bedding, etc. One doesn't get away with destroying the house or make living normally impossible for everyone - it's called getting along and being responsible.

Keep on disengaging. It saved me my sanity.

Hastings's picture

Thanks, Cover1W. It helps to hear from someone who gets it.

Thing is, I fear all this is impacting my feelings about SS. On the whole, I think he's a decent kid with potential (he's very smart and athletic and gets on well with other kids). But it's getting to where I just don't like him. Rationally, though, I know it's not his fault. It's his parents'.

Cover1W's picture

It will.  I cannot deny this. How the kid is raised will effect their personality and how they treat others. I had a pretty good relationship with both OSD and YSD. OSD was always more difficult but she used to listen until around age 12 and BM started to have more of an influence and OSD started fighting both of us on everything. She wanted to run our house an essentially told DH this. Um, no. So for my mental health I had to disengage from her. I remained polite and firm and didn't allow her to trample my personal boundaries, as I would treat anyone. She has turned into a PAS'd out ungrateful and spiteful thing and unless she changes drastically when she finally leaves BM's home for college I want little to do with her.

I love YSD - but i have to be careful to not put my feelings out there or act too involved because DH or she will push back. If I become too engaged I can bet 99.9% of the time it will blow up in my face. And her lack of independence, curiosity and self-will makes a very boring and critical teen.  I hope she grows out of it but it's hard to engage with her when she has no selt-will.

I just make of it what i can. I have a good life with DH and he treats me very good overall and makes it clear I am the most important thing in his life. I feel that and that's what is good; we have a great relationship. The kids are not mine and DH has never allowed me to parent so I have no good connection with them. It's distant and that's that.

Dogmom1321's picture

I used to ALSO say things to SD10. I mean, the basics. Like, "Did you brush your teeth today?" Or "Did you get your homework done?" It always ended in an argument. So I quit helping out with SD. The above posters are right. The step parents can't do the heavy lifting if the Bios aren't. It just leads to resentment. 

SD and I don't really talk anymore either. DH is the one that (attempts) to manage her behavior. If she does talk to me, I redirect her to ask her dad, or she can do something on her own. Since I've disengaged, it's been a lot less communication and zero chances for her to start an argument. She sleeps in until 12pm. And when she is not downstairs getting food in the kitchen, she locks herself up in the room, talking to strangers on Roblox. Her parents allow it, so I just let it be. 

Hastings's picture

So true.

I rarely said anything to SS unless DH wasn't there. I would just say something to DH and let him handle it. But I suspect SS knew where things were coming from and DH started feeling resentful because it seemed like I did nothing but complain.

It's frustrating because I see problems and warning signs. There's his physical lashing out (which should have been handled years ago). And other things his parents either don't notice, don't worry about or don't want to deal with. Like his screen addiction. DH notices and it bothers him, but he does nothing about it.

Whatever. That's the sort of stuff I'm just going to let go. I'm not his mom. If his grades or social skills suffer, that's for DH and BM to deal with.

In need of clarity's picture

I have had these same issues since I moved in in 2017. The lack of consideration, cleanliness, motivation, and emotion regulation in both my SSs was appalling. The emotion part has improved as they aged (now 16 and 21) but it really grinds my gears when dishes and food trash are left in rooms, laundry left in the dryer (but before me they weren't even doing their own laundry), leaving the ktichen a mess after making food, and more recently a drop in grades with the 16yo SS due to his amount of time spent gaming with friends online. I had been the only adult that would check on school progress until recently (as I made a point to state it is something I do to both DH and BM) but as of today I decided I'm not doing it anymore. It was infrequent but it has become exhausting to see a DECREASE in grades since DH talked to him (at my insistence as I was catching shade after holding SS accountable for performance). Even though disengaging makes me feel sort of powerless about my influence in this kid's life and a bit neglectful, I feel better knowing I will no longer put myself in the position to comment on any academic or behavioral concerns (as a clinical therapist it will take time for me to let go of wanting to help). It also feels better connecting with you other stepparents, makes me feel less like an ungrateful nit picking pain in the ass.