4 Year Old Attention Seeker
Okay, so. First off I'm going to start this off by saying my Wife has two kids, one is almost 2, the other just turned 4. The 20 month old is absolutely the sweetest kid I have ever interacted with, he wants my attention he hugs me, and wants me to play with him. He even prefers sleeping next to me than his own mother most of the time. He eats what ever I give him with no problem, and generally listens to me the best an almost 2 year old actually can actually understand. Then there is the 4 year old, throws fits everytime i take things that she is deliberately making messes with away, she likes to "paint" on all the toys we buy her, and even on things including walls meanwhile this is nail polish she just so happens to find. She is the pickiest eater I have ever met, which isnt a big deal because I remember a time where I wouldn't take candy for hallloween simply because it wasnt a Hersheys bar. She whines when she blatantly hits her own brother which pisses me off so much because he is only a baby.. and unfortunately I have built a strong bond with him because I have known him since birth. She gets jealous when I'm doing anything with her mom, and REFUSES to sleep alone because she is extremely clingy and won't leave her mom alone for a second. Follows her into every room and USED to throw a fit everytime she left for work. She hits me, her mom, and her brother for reasons unknown. Refuses to listen to anything I say when her mom is around citing that her mom said yes when her mom didnt say anything at all prior to her having done something or wanting something. She fakes crying when she doesnt get her way, and literally FORCES HERSELF TO CRY and 90% of the time she doesnt cry its just her making noise for the sake of getting what she wants. She throws things, punches things, and kicks things when she doesnt get what she wants. I am always moving to a different room to sleep because her daughter doesnt know the meaning of keep youe hands and feet inside the ride at all times. So does her son, but hes only 20 months and he will sleep by himself most of the time, but her daughter will wake up in the middle of the night and crt until her mom wakes up and puts her in bed and its always on her side.. but later on in the night i find that her daughter WILL LITERALLY put herself inbetween me and her mother and when she cant do that you will find her laying above us on the pillows. (She literally did this exact thing i described not even a few hours ago so Im pretty much reciting from memory). I love her mom. I LOVE her brother, but i have some resentment to the way she acts and treats me and her brother and is always up her moms butt. Its putting heavy strain in my relationship with her mother, and is always the root cause of our fights. I want to absolutely 100% love her daughter but i can't and its hard.. I feel like im choosing favoritism in her brother and it makes me feel horrible but I have that parental bond with him that I don't with her. She makes me feel like an outcast most of the time, and I don't know what to do at all. I am extremely new to this whole parenting thing, and I wish i knew how to not increasingly dislike her daughter.. am i wrong for this dislike? Or is this normal? I just want things to be good because her mother. I say this is my wife due to identity issues but really this is my girlfriend. Shes going through divorce as we speak, and we have been together for two years and the dad is in the kids life and they love him hes just mean to the mother. I don't get why she is acting this way towards me, and I just want her to ger older and maybe develop some better communication skills. Im just hoping from some advice or maybe even similar experiences, her mother always undermines me infront of her, for example "no you can not have a cookie. You havent eaten dinner" *proceeds to tell mom I said no. Mom: "why cant she have a cookie" *explains to her why* "give her a cookie" then her daughter proceeds to brag as if shes won a great battle or something. I just need some help from "adults" i know its funny to hear but im only 24 and I need some help from some parents with real experience please. I want this to stop making me so hateful, and i just want her daughter to love me, and for me to love her.
Quite frankly, the 4 years
Quite frankly, the 4 years old creative outlets are quite normal. My stb3 year old covers everything in tooth paste. She thinks all her toys need to brush their teeth like she does. She happily paints everything in sight. It is normal behaviour.
My youngest also hits. You're not describing abnormal behaviour here. How it's dealt with is the key. 2 year olds are very sweet and cute and co-operative until they realise they are not an extension of you.
I somehow also think the 4 year old knows you don't like her. As for the rest, structure, boundaries and discipline which only her mother can do.
In short, it is not the child it is her mothers parenting.
Thank you for your quick
Thank you for your quick response.
resenting a 4 year old? sorry
:jawdrop: :jawdrop: resenting a 4 year old? sorry Dude you are way to young to be caught up in a step family, or blended family..
Simply leave the parenting to Mum, Mum needs to be firm and be the bad cop, you can be the good cop to both babies,
She knows you hate her. You
She knows you hate her. You are not going to have an easy next 14 years, my friend.
Well, I don't hate her. I
Well, I don't hate her. I dislike her behavior. I wasn't very in detail with that. I started out really liking her daughter but its been less and less ever since we moved in together.
Let me be clear, i have never
Let me be clear, i have never had the capacity in my heart to actually hate some one. Sure there are those manic moments people have where they think drastic things but dont act on them. But I really don't hate anyone in my life. I really love her daughter, but its to an extent.. she loves me.. but to an extent. She misses me when Im gone and asks about me. This is simply about the behavior that i dislike.
She has a set bed time,
She has a set bed time, usually set meal times but she doesnt eat on them half the time she says shes not hungry when I know she is and her brother eats while she doesnt. I am the one disciplining the boy, so I just hope he wont be too bad, I hope hes grown a bond with me becauae I believe he has.. so Im basically treating him like i would my own son. Shes taken a parenting class, but i believe it was just on co-parenting. I believe she will have to take a parenting class, if not i will take one regardless.. because that actually seems like a good idea.
That is true, i guess im
That is true, i guess im leaving out a little details. She disciplines her, evenly to that of the boy. More so than I do, but she disciplines her. She just doesnt learn past this point, she doesnt listen and my girlfriend is always disciplining her every single day. I think it might have something to do with her dad not being in her life constantly like he used to be and shes lashing out but i dont understand how that works.
Time outs for everyday
Time outs for everyday things, really bad things like hitting her brother she gets spanked.
But regardless it still.. she
But regardless it still.. she does the same thing.
But regardless it still.. she
But regardless it still.. she does the same thing.
But regardless it still.. she
But regardless it still.. she does the same thing.
But regardless it still.. she
But regardless it still.. she does the same thing.
But regardless it still.. she
But regardless it still.. she does the same thing.
But regardless it still.. she
But regardless it still.. she does the same thing.
Oops, sorry messed up
Oops, sorry messed up internet.
Well Im definitely going to
Well Im definitely going to go to a parenting class thats for sure.. and its only a given that she will go with me.
Every single 4yo ever is
Every single 4yo ever is attention seeking. And every 20mo is the sweetest ever. That is really the best age. I've had a 4yo and a 20 mo at the same time, and all of the behavior is completely normal, especially if mom is getting a divorce and has a boyfriend. You are really too young to be stepdad to these kids, but I'll give some general advice.
1. Stop trying to parent. When the 4yo asks you for a cookie, tell her to ask her mom.
2. If you plan on staying with mom and eventually have kids with her, get on the same page now. Things like, I know you are okay with them doing these things, but this is not how I would want to raise a mutual child.
3. Talk to mom about appropriate punishments. If she paints on things, make her clean them up. Also, do a better job of keeping those things out of her reach. Give her appropriate painting supplies and paint and time to do it.
4. She's at an age where she really needs some alone time with mom. Encourage mom to make time for just the 2 of them She may think the 4yo doesn't remember before the baby, but she does and she wants some of that back. When my older child was 4, they asked for alone time with me a lot. It helped with other behavior when I gave it to her. We made it our routine to always go grocery shopping with just the two of us and that helped a lot.
5. I don't think stepparents should ever sleep in the bed with parents. But if mom wants to bed share, ask her to sleep in the room with the 4yo. Honestly, this is just a stage that will pass. If the 2yo is allowed in bed as well, he'll eventually get used to it to. It is also completely normal for her to want to be between you. It is nothing against you, a biochild would be the same but you wouldn't think twice about it because it would be your child.
I suggest you seek out other parents of kids of similar ages to help you determine normal behavior. It is really weird to be a stepparent, esp to young kids, esp if you haven't ever had young kids, and esp at such a young age. I was a stepparent with a similar age difference, and I did a lot wrong because I really just had no experience with kids at that age. I took everything personally and I thought it was all just because I was the stepparent instead of it being just because the kid was 2, 3, 4, 5.... After I had kids of my own, I realized how much I just really didn't understand about children because I wasn't ready for them (which is why I didn't have kids at 20).
Oh and the hitting, fake
Oh and the hitting, fake crying, probably also says I don't love you, are all normal. She's testing her boundaries and also developing empathy. This is a really good time to talk to her about how her actions make you guys feel. Remove her from the situation when she hits and when she calms down, CALMLY tell her how it made you feel, how it can hurt others and ask her how she would feel if someone were to hit her, or tell her they don't love her. There are a few good books for these things too, Hands Are Not For Hitting, Feet Are Not For Kicking. If she hits or kicks, say, "Hands are not for hitting, hands are for high fives! clapping! tickling!!" and then do those things with her. It'll teach her not to hit, while giving her positive attention and not creating a lot of drama. The less drama surrounding negative behavior, the less likely it'll continue for long.
Omg, thank you so much. Your
Omg, thank you so much. Your response was extremely lovely, and I really appreciated it. I have taken some mental notes, and I feel the same way.. I am taking the behavior personally where I shouldn't.
^^^Agree with all of this.
^^^Agree with all of this. Also...it's not universal, of course, but girls are almost always more independent and less cuddly than boys when they are young. My niece rarely wanted to be held or cuddled unless she had just woken up...which was tough because she was the cutest ever. She wanted cuddles at night and first thing in the morning, and then she wanted to be left alone and to be on the move the rest of the day. Girls potty train faster and earlier...do most developmental things earlier. So it's not surprising that the little girl isn't as affectionate as the little boy.
Now, her younger brother is going on 4, and he would cuddle with you all day. However, he still has some of the behaviors you mention above. He'll tell me he hates me and, then, 2 seconds later, he'll want to climb in my lap, telling me he loves me so much. He is hyper all the time...he's absolutely hilarious...but he's always putting his hands on everything, including other people. He has to be taught...but it's very normal at this stage for kids to be getting into everything and is actually essential to their development.
Doesn't mean your fiance shouldn't punish her child for wrong behaviors and establish boundaries...but it really is very tough to do so at this age. I know my nephew will try so hard to be good for a few minutes...and then go right back to it. You have to be so persistent and consistent. Psychologists say that empathy doesn't begin to develop until 4...so it really is nothing personal. She just has no concept of how you, or anyone else, feels about her behavior.
Thank you!
Thank you!
Yeah she also just told me
Yeah she also just told me today that she was mad at me, and that she wasnt friends with me while videochatting with her mom. Then she just snapped out of it afterwards said she was sorry and that she loved me. So idk.
Ok. So you feel loved by the
Ok. So you feel loved by the 2 year old because he wants to sleep in your bed with you, but when the 4 year old wants that, it's bad.
I didn't read the most of the rest because paragraphs. But what you're describing is the behaviour of any kid who has no limits and has parents trying to please her instead of parents helping her learn self-control and social rules.
Both her parents sleep with
Both her parents sleep with her in their beds, when shes at dads she sleeps with him. When shes here she sleeps with mom. But most of the time she her sleep in her own bed she just cries until she gets her way.
I understand that you see the
I understand that you see the 4 yo behaving badly, and it's natural to get irritated at the kid.
It makes sense, though, doesn't it? That the kid cries until she gets her way? I mean, it works.
In my house, my kid could cry for a week and she still doesn't get her way. Because I'm in charge, and her crying, or being angry at me, or whatever, doesn't scare me. And so she never cries until she gets her way. Waste of her time.
We spent two weeks visiting family, and her grandmother and aunt did whatever they could to keep my daughter from crying or being upset. So my daughter learned that if she just keeps crying, she gets what she wants. We came home, and the next day my daughter had a temper tantrum that lasted 1.5 hours, involved her getting so upset she peed her pants and so angry that she told me I'm not her mom. Oh well. Still didn't get what she wanted, and never tried that technique again.
Your stepkid is not the cause of her problem behaviour, and she won't be able to stop it without help and guidance from a strong adult. I hope her parents step up, but if they don't, she'll be getting help when she's grown up from the judicial system or from a therapist.
Well, then what the heck?
Well, then what the heck?
Great advice hahaha.
Great advice hahaha.
She has her tubes tied, so I
She has her tubes tied, so I think I should be good but good luck having any children of my own. But its unfortunate you feel this way.. but i understand where you are coming from. Thank you.
Why do you think she will be
Why do you think she will be a bad teenager? We are trying therapy for her starting soon, so idk.
Well, if you read the other
Well, if you read the other posts I said she disciplines her shes just lashing out.
Plus we believe she may have
Plus we believe she may have other issues.. mentally. So we have to get her checked out on that end.
I have years to do this
I have years to do this correctly, this cant be the same exact result with everyone it just seems like people arent communicating with their Step Kids.
lol. No...it's not a lack of
lol.
No...it's not a lack of communication or trying, trust me.
However, I will say that stepdads tend to have it easier and are more likely to be accepted than stepmoms...all the studies show this fact...including polling adult stepkids about their relationships with their stepparents and how they feel about them. So, you might come out a bit better in all of this than most of the women on this site. But it won't be because you somehow "figured it out" or did a better job "communicating your expectations" than we have...it will be gender bias is all.
Well their dad is for lack of
Well their dad is for lack of a better word a p*ssy with all bark and no bite who disrespects women.. so I mean maybe they will look up to me easier.... who knows.
Wow. If you don't have a
Wow. If you don't have a better word, their dad's ex isn't the only one disrespecting women. Going online to say sexist stuff doesn't make it cool. Just makes it another jerk on the interwebs. Hoping you're not a jerk and next time you will use a thesaurus.
You always hear "oh he was
You always hear "oh he was like a father figure to me" and I rarely hear "mother figure"... hmm..
Year four is the absolute
Year four is the absolute hardest and I say that only because my SS is about to turn 6. Im sure my opinion will change with puberty. I remember his 4th birthday distinctly because it was like a switch flipped in this calm gentle boy that was my stepson into some demonic creature that thrived on attention seeking, bad behavior and just all around only caring about doing what HE wanted because it made HIM happy. Year five he settled back down. Summer time was the most difficult for us because we go to a 7on/7off schedule. He would go to BMs for the week and stay up as long as he wanted, choose his warm up dinner and eat whenever he wanted on top of her indulging him in any and everything he asked for when they were out and about it public. He would come home and realize we still didn't do things that way and it was like a culture shock for him so he acted badly. He behaved the way he thought would give him the attention/result he wanted. My husband doesn't play that and whenever there was a tantrum SS was sent immediately to his room (not bed, but room) for him to settle down. I would also do the same because, at four, these kids NEED consistency. He knew we don't respond positively in his favor for falling out on the floor. We were lenient on him the first night back, chalked it up to extreme lack of sleep which was evident by his big black almost greenish circles around his eyes.
When school started we reverted back to the 5 & 2 schedule so Monday through Friday we would have to deal with him, his school behavior and extra curricular then he would run off with BM for fun-filled weekends. Again we would give him Sunday night to adjust. He went to bed an hour earlier on Sunday nights to help him catch up on sleep and I let him sleep up until the absolute last minute before school the next morning. For the rest of the week we had a solid routine. I drop off, I pick up, we got home for lunch (half day private preschool) then he would take a one hour nap. He always slept over on Mondays. He would get up from nap and get to watch a cartoon for an hour while he was eating snack then we would turn it off and either do homework or go play outside until DH got home. DH would spend some time with him playing while I cooked dinner then it was off to bath and then bed to settle down. We worked in Extra curricular to our schedule such as Gym on Wednesday or Tball on Tuesdays and Thursdays but the that would take place of TV time and outside play time. The schedule was flexible but he knew it by heart and it made things easier for him to behave.
They say kids crave routine and I tend to agree based on my SS5. He does better during the school year than the summer. When he knows the rules of the house and the expectations we have for him, he excels. Kids like to hear they are doing great job helping or you appreciate how hard they are working to clean their room. Have you tried a reward system with her? If she does something without being asked do you praise her? She is looking for attention, no doubt, but kids seem to want attention the easiest way they can find it and most of the time parents only notice the kid when they are doing something bad. Try to catch her doing good stuff or positive things even if its just something like getting herself dressed in the morning to encourage her to be independent.
I love this reply, and yes I
I love this reply, and yes I do compliment her on doing good things. Instead of being "My Dad" or "My Mom" she calls me "My [Insert first name]" which is sweet. She just acts a fool when her mom shows up.
Im confused, am i missing a
Im confused, am i missing a reference?
Still very much confused.
Still very much confused.
I took on my two skids (SS10
I took on my two skids (SS10 and SD12) when they were both in nappies as well and I wonder if you understand the gravity of what you have taken on - and at such a young age as well? I was 29 and I thought that was young enough to be making such sacrifices for someone else's kids.
You say you bonded more with the younger one because you have been around him since he was a baby but the reality is most likely that he's just a nice and easy kid so therefore easy to like. Whereas your SD sounds difficult and therefore is not so easy to like.
If I've learned anything from step-parenting it's the importance of the biological bond - because that's what creates unconditional love. Without it, it's extremely hard to love your skids and that love (if it actually forms) is very much conditional - if they are nice kids and easy to deal with then it's easier to love them. If they are difficult and not likeable then chances are you will come to hate them. This may sound harsh but it's just the reality.
My feelings have gone through a roller coast ride after a decade of step-parenting but what I now know is that I will never love SD12 - she's just a difficult and unlikeable child. I would settle for just being able to like her some of the time and being able to enjoy her company here and there. My feelings for SS10 are more complicated. I'm fond of him and we get along well but I don't know if I feel love and if it is love then it's not a strong love. I'm starting to see more attitude from him lately that suggests the teenage years are going to be tough so I imagine I'll hate him as well for periods during the teenage years.
What it will all end up as in the end ie when they are adults remains to be seen but if SD stays on track to be just like her BM then I know I'll never like her and avoid spending time with her as much as possible. If SS turns out like DH which he is on track to do then I think him and I will be close when he's an adult.
Good luck!
Interesting that this poster
Interesting that this poster doesn't seem to respond to actual parenting advice, just to comments about attitude.