Is something wrong with me??
Hi all! This is my first blog here...well, ever. I hope some of you can give me some words of advise, positive thoughts,and possibly help me to not feel like a bad person.
Back story:
My DH and I have been married 4 months. We have been living together a little over 2 years. I have 3 kids, D29, S27, S16. Only the 16yo lives with us. My DH has 1 D20 who has a 20mo old daughter as well. Long story short my SD was living with us until 2 days after she had her daughter and there was a HUGE blow up with her dad. It involved her BF at the time (not the baby's father) and physical assault to my DH. Needless to say she moved out immeditiately and they didn't speak for a year. Well they finally talked it all out and were rebuilding their relationship. (The BF was no longer in the picture). All was going great for about 9 months. She had been living with her HCBM who has BPD for the past 9 months and it just reached a point that it was not a healthy environment for my SD and SGD. My DH and I rearranged our home and had her move back in. The stipulation was for her to get her daughter into child care and get a full time job (she did not have either). She did procrastinate and did not do what was needed until after she moved in with significant pushing from both my DH and myself. She moved in a month ago and her daughter will finally be starting child care Monday...no job for her yet. she has only applied to one place, a staffing agency. Her opportunity is limited because she did not graduate high school and has not gotten her GED. Her mothering skills are completely lacking, and I have been trying to b a positive role model and help her understand how toddlers think and work. She has zero experience or interaction with kids of any age. (I was a preschool teacher for 6years before I became a nurse). At this point my compassion is starting to turn to irritation and resentment. Just about anything she does and says now annoys the crap out of me. Anytime she does something remotely "right" she looks at me like "Look what I did!" I feel like saying that's great, you did what any mother would do because that is what you should do. Do you want an effing cookie??" And stupid stuff gets under my skin. Example, the other night she was making cheesy bread and was looking for a brush to brush on butter. She asked me "Do WE have like a brush so I can brush on the melted butter?" My first thought was, No WE do not. I have one because this is my house and my things, not yours....How crapy is that of me??? Don't get me wrong, my SD treats me with respect and is always kind and thoughtful of me. She thanks me for my opinions, advise etc. She has NEVER said anything bad about me. She tells me she loves me everyday. I am just quickly getting fed up with an almost 21 yo acting like she is 14 75% of the time and using zero common sense when it comes to her daughter. I do know if it was my own child I would be all over all of it. This last week I just have been trying to smile and not say much because I don't want to lose my cool. I could list 20 things that is just WRONG in how she care for her daughter. I have help her see some of them and there has been some improvement but still soooo much more.....I just don't want to end up resenting her, my DH and becoming a b*chy person.
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Comments
You'll get a lot more advice
You'll get a lot more advice from others here but
1. Can you and your DH make it a requirement that she get her GED? A job will be almost impossible without it.
2. Parenting classes? Are there any available in your area?
Thankful
I have brought up her getting her GED a few times with both her and my DH. She truly balks at the idea (I think she is afraid of failing but also has a tendency to be lazy about things she has to work at that are not interesting to her). My DH feels like he can't tell her she HAS to because she is an adult...
Parenting classes are a great idea. I will look and see if there are any in the area.
She might be legally an adult
She might be legally an adult...but she is far from an actual adult. That is a weak excuse for enforcing the requirement.
Seriously, do you want her living in your house forever?
Pffft. Your DH is just
Pffft. Your DH is just avoiding the conflict.
Of course he can insist on the GED. She's living in your house, using your resources, costing time and money that she's not entitled to. You and DH are being generous, but that doesn't go on forever. What does SHE think her future look like? That GED is best possible way forward.
Would your DH feel like he couldn't say anything to your SD if she were using drugs in your home, because she's an adult?
House rule #1: adult kids are not permanent residents of the household, and there is a plan in place for them to move out. Her life choices affect the household, so you and DH absolutely DO have a say in how she is living her life. She doesn't like it? Well, she can move out. She has choices, even if she doesn't like them. That's what adulthood looks like.
Many parents require that grown kids are enrolled full time in school, working full time, or some combination. It's a very reasonable requirement.
Agree with the GED
Agree with the GED requirement. That would be top of the list for me.
You're not a terrible person, and don't spend another second thinking you are. You're living with another adult and her child, in your home, that was not your choice. You are kind and generous. Plus, you're dealing with someone with the apparent mentality of a teenager and a baby. Of course you are exhausted.
Your SD needs to be on the road to independence so she can move out once she has a job. What skills does she need (budgeting, banking, paying bills, parenting, etc.), and how can she acquire them? I'd make sure your DH is on top of that. This girl needs to grow up on an accelerated schedule since she obviously missed that bus.
I'd also make sure her independence is interjected into normal conversation. "Won't it be great when you have your own apartment?"
Can you and DH get away for a long weekend so you can get an extended break?
Skills...LOL
Thank you for your kind words. You hit the nail on the head...I am exhausted. A long weekend would be wonderful with my DH.
As far as skills go, honestly, she needs them all...it's sad but true. I am 100% willing to help and teach but only if it is actually used. I did this with my own kids. When they thought they knew it all I would back off and let them take the reins....both my adult children came back for more "education" a few times before they truly "got it". As much as I feel bad for my SD because she hasn't had any true guidance on how to be a functioning adult I will not waste my time and energy if I am just going to get blown off.
I like the idea of interjecting her independence into regular conversation....I will start that ASAP
It sounds like SD is lazy,
It sounds like SD is lazy, entitled, and makes poor choices. Anyone would find that irritating. Now that she's moved in, she has no incentive to find a job. There are tons of jobs available. The employment agency is a smokescreen. She needs to apply at restaurants, immediately. Gentle prodding isn't going to work with her. Make her life uncomfortable by password protecting the wifi and taking away Netflix. You'll feel better when she finds a job and is home less often.
Yes, this is pure laziness
Yes, this is pure laziness and entitlement on SD's part. She got pregnant irresponsibly, had a baby, and now expects everyone else to pick up the pieces of her mistakes. I would be setting firm parameters on SD. Set a time-frame that you are willing to allow her to live with you, like 6 months or a year max. Set standards that she has to find a job and has to get her GED, and I don't mean just her saying "yeah I will," I mean actually pursuing this. If she is not willing, then she no longer gets to live with you and has to grow up and figure it all out on her own, like an adult, which she is.
Nobody is responsible for SD's choices but SD and if she ends up homeless due to her laziness and poor choices, that is on her. Trying to save and do everything for her will teach her nothing.
Wow. I don't think I could do
Wow. I don't think I could do it.You never asked to move in with a grandchild.Let alone have a freeloading daughter. I'm guessing when you first moved in with DH, you assumed she would launch since she was 18?
What does your son think of all of this? My SD is 11 and our son is 6 months. If SD moved back in with us, with a child, that would probably be a deal breaker for me. I would not want to subject him to the dysfunction and think ANY of it was "normal". Family or not, you should have a serious conversation with DH about the living situation.
I would say that since she
I would say that since she chose to get pregnant, have the baby and keep it, the expectations for her need to be ramped up quite a bit in your home. She no longer gets to be a lazy young adult who can take her time in launching like so many of her peers probably are. She needs to have a job as well as helping out around the house. She needs to provide 100% of child care when the baby is in your home, and get parenting classes. You guys can babysit when asked and only when it's convenient for you. She should be out of the house every day looking for a job, and contributing to all expenses in the home as well as paying for her child's expenses. If she doesn't like those rules, she can go get welfare and an apartment of her own.
Since she's a pleasant kid, all of these expectation can be presented in a nice way, but you need to stick to them. It's for her own good. Personally, I would have left her at BM's, but that's just me. I have zero intention of helping my SS21 parent any kids he has, especially accidental ones.
You are a better woman than
You are a better woman than me. I would take SGD but leave SD out. She needs to grow up.
I would make the GED a requirement within 6 months.
Another option for her instead of an employment agency, that would probably help her be a better parent is getting a job at a daycare. It would let her be close to her daughter but also work with other kids.
I have brought up her getting
I have brought up her getting her GED a few times with both her and my DH... My DH feels like he can't tell her she HAS to because she is an adult...
Ha! If she were truly an adult, she would be living independently and taking care of business, especially being that she has a child. Instead, she lives under your and DH's roof so you guys make the rules. It is in her best interest to get a GED, and your husband, as her parent (that she is dependent on), has every right to tell her that she needs to get one. Just like telling her that she needs to get a job. She will never leave if he continues to allow her to be lazy.
The "we" thing would irritate me, too. It goes beyond it being just a word, it is a word of ownership and implies that that is actually HER home, instead of a place in which she is temporarily staying. It implies that everything in the home belongs to the 3 of you, instead of you and your DH. She is making herself a bit too comfortable.
She needs some incentive and motivation to move out on her own. I would definitely give her a timeline. Leaving it open ended is a risky game. The risk being to your marriage.
she’s an adult is an excuse
DH is relying on the she's an adult excuse. There is no reason for him not to set boundaries for a child-'adult' living in his home. Job (fast food hires non grads, Walmart, etc) or GED classes.
SD is living in DH and your house. Who is paying for necessities like diapers? Is she on any kind of aid? Does she have medical (Medicaid) for her and child? Is there any child support? DH needs to push her to independence or he'll be paying forever.
Since she isn't working, I
Since she isn't working, I assume they are paying for everything for her AND the baby. Hell no.
She does not get any child
She does not get any child support because she didn't want to put the father on the birth certificate or have anything to do with him...ugh.
She is getting the $300 tax break every month that pays for most of the baby's needs. At this time, yes her father is shelling out money for everything else. I have purchased items to increase the baby's safety for my own peace of mind.
She has only been getting the WICC benefit because she hasn't pursued any other...it takes time and effort to fill out the forms etc...ugh. She has just in the last 2 weeks applied for ALL benefits because I said she had to.
I truly feel like I am living with a 12 year old who needs their hand held all the time.
If SD gets on state
If SD gets on state assistance and welfare, the courts will make her file for CS to pay the state back. Our BM tried to keep DH away and wanted nothing to do with him, but the state pursued CS to cover their welfare expenses. The state forced a DNA test and for DH to be listed the father. DH was already pursuing visitation, but the CS was a separate issue. SD may not have a choice. But CS and custody are two separate things, so her ex BF may just pay CS and have no other involvement with the child.
In my honest opinion, SD doesn't get to pick and choose whether she receives CS or not. Money is money regardless of where it comes from and SD doesn't get to be choosey about the source. She needs to do what she needs to do to raise her child without relying on her Daddy Dearest to foot the bill. It's great that SD is getting the $300 tax credit, but that likely won't last forever and it isn't fair that you and DH are footing the bill to care for SD and her child 100%.
I do think you guys need to
I do think you guys need to make her less comfortable. Why would she take care of any of this if she knows her father will take care of it for her? Is he on the same page with you or is he just willing to support her indefinitely?
I get it
I know how you feel. Back in the day, my SDnow60 moved in with her 3yo girl. Although the conditions weren't as extreme as yours (SD was working, taking care of GD and had a new BF on the string), it was quite an adjustment. We still had other kids at home and our household was already stressed with a couple teenagers still home, both of us working and me in night school. I remember being so tired when I came home and being met by GD who wanted to play. I feel for you with this girl being so behind, you are kind and generous. Its not fair.
I agree with everyone else. DH needs to take a firm stand: GED and job. There's no excuse right now for anybody not to be employed, places are begging for help. You're actually doing her a favor by demanding that she work. My SGD (the same 3yowho moved in) is now the mother of 2 boys by her BF who is now gone. She's living in a Section 8 apartment and gets just enough $ so that she doesn't work. It's a big mistake - she needs to gain employment experience and meet other people. SDnow60 should have pushed her, too. Good luck.
You must start looking at this
With some logic. First to support herself and DD she must have a good job, She needs her GED no if ands or butts
You must have DH insist on her going to get her GED at night. She must get a job, any full time job. There must be some type of program out there for people like your SD . Once she gets her GED. You have to get her into a program thay will make her be able to get a job to support herself and DD.
unless you light a fire under DH. You will be living with SD forever. And or supporting her forever.
I just got back from Target.
I just got back from Target. BIG sign on the entry door - "HELP WANTED, minimum $15/hour." You don't need a degree to work at Target. Applying at one staffing agency is BS, and your DH needs to be on her.
He should also add getting a GED as a condition to continuing to live with you, especially since she's having trouble finding a job.
I'm also not sure why she thinks she has the luxury of not pursuing child support. Unless the baby's father is abusive or an addict or otherwise a danger to SD or the baby, she should be trying to get the baby's father - not HER father - to help support the baby.
You and DH should not enable this girl. She has made choices which require her to be a serious, functioning, responsible adult. Your DH needs to be pushing her hard in that direction, not making it easy for her to avoid her responsibilities, which are the direct result of her own poor choices. Enabling her will only make it harder for her to launch and that will end up being a BIG strain on your marriage. In fact, I'd be discussing an outside date for SD to leave with DH right now.
LOL
I literally just looked online at Target!! She would also get 10% on everything plus 20% discount on all store brand items. Would save her money on items needed for her baby
Sooo many job openings right
Sooo many job openings right now. She could get an offer on the spot. But if Daddy will pay for everything, why work or get CS?
OP, not one red cent of my money would be going to support this girl.
She's not having trouble
She's not having trouble finding a job, she's not even looking. Once she's forced to get a job, she should decide on her own that she wants her GED so she can make more money. But I would also expect her sweet attitude to change once they stop coddling her.
Cmon now. Let's be realistic.
Cmon now. Let's be realistic. How is SD able to get a job without a GED? Any job she is able to get (working for a mom and pop shop, for example) will never provide enough for her and SGD to survive. No large corporation would hire her. She'll probably never have medical benefits. Most employers have minimum education requirements and I've never seen elementary school listed as a minimum level of education needed. She might as well be on welfare and other government benefits as she'd do better than working. Know what I mean? Your DH is delusional thinking this is going anywhere.
What you need to do is this: Sit down and explain that you will give her X amount of time for her to get her GED. If she does not do so, she has to leave. If she does, then she is permitted to stay but after getting her GED, then she has another X amount of time to find a job... etc.... etc....
If she was going to go to school, get her GED, go to community college, work and make a life for herself and SGD, I'd let her stay until she could set herself up comfortably in a decent neighbourhood, personally. That's only because you said she is a decent SD and assuming she'd abide by the rules set out by DH and I.
You can get some minimum wage
You can get some minimum wage jobs or higher without a GED. I know my hospital system hires people without high school diplomas to do cleaning work, and they pay $15. Not enough, and she for sure should get her GED. But if she won't, then she needs to go get a dang job.
Interesting. Not up here,
Interesting. Not up here, unless it's a special program and there's a lot of them. I feel we are at a point where you need a 2 year college diploma to do most of everything except retail and a few other fields up here.
You guys also have much more
You guys also have much more reasonable college programs that don't force you to go to school for 4 years to get a degree - I know DH did an 18 month one that would have allowed him to work at the same jobs there that he was required to get a 4-year degree for here.
True. We have two systems
True. We have two systems really - college and university. Depending on course and school and region, you can get a college diploma in 6 months.
Yes. Here it's high school,
Yes. Here it's high school, then 2 years gets you an Associate's Degree, which is mostly worthless, and then 4 years a Bachelors and 2 more for a Masters. Unless people get into specific trade programs, they go to school forever. Yes, they make more money after, but they also take out crazy amounts of loans.
DH had the 18-month degree from Canada which was useless here, so he ended up going to 4-year college. He feels like he could have done his current job without attending either of those school programs.
Good cleaning ladies in my
Good cleaning ladies in my parents' area who speak English, are vaccinated and have their own transportation are getting $30+ an hour. These are individuals, not with a service. I almost fell over when I heard that.
Yeah, under the table work
Yeah, under the table work can be even more profitable, for sure. This SD just doesn't want to lift a finger, like many of these skids.
That's what my mother did and
That's what my mother did and she did dropped out in grade 10 from high school. She liked it because she worked for herself, under the table, set her own hours, picked her own customers, and made good cash at it.
Nothing wrong with you. My
Nothing wrong with you. My own mother didn't want me living at home when i was an adult, especially when i was married with a child and we needed a place to stay. She said "sometimes the little birds need a push to leave the nest!" Having it be a stepchild probably magnifies the irritation and feeling like your house has been taken over x 100, since the SD was raised by a HCBM.
If i were you, i would rather my DH assist her to live elsewhere than have her live with me. That is, if it were part of a plan for her to be able to support herself in a given amount of time. Is that an option? Meaning financial support for a set amount of time?
My mother's version of the Burning Platform
I, and my 2 kids, had to move back with my parents when I separated from Ex. I had rented a house but his violence necessitated giving it up and moving back home.
I was working full time and giving her rent. DS had started school so I felt I should stay while he finished the year. She made my life a hell. Lol. On Saturdays, she'd wake me up at 7 to begin housework
I was usually exhausted and hung over from being out with DH but, never mind, there I was changing sheets, washing and mopping. My mom's version of the Burning Platform. I moved out the minute DS finished his grade.
Birth control?
Is she on birth control? Things were bad enough when SGD had child #1 then, guess what? This is the girl living in the Section 8 apartment. I could go on about how sad her situation is but my point is, I really hope your SD is on birth control.
Nope,there is nothing wrong
Nope,there is nothing wrong with you.