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How to talk to a stepchild about mental illness (in her mother)

CleverElbow's picture

My SD is 9. She is with us on weekends and on Wednesdays and with her BM during the rest of the week.

She had been diagnosed with depression, but refuses to medicate and hasn’t “seen someone” for it since Children’s Aid asked her to. It was a closed case and all is well now. She signs her daughter up for everything, ensures that her child has lots of opportunities (piano lessons, taekwando, musical theatre, language school etc). Although often schedules things during “our time”. When plans cannot be switched (often they are with under a day’s notice and there is no trade off for time. She just expects my DH to give up his time for whatever special activity it is.) this happened on the weekend and she called us manically ALL night. Sent angry messages, etc. When my DH dropped their daughter off, she came out yelled at him by the car. Called my SD back, yelling, “ did you know you can’t go skiing because of your father! Now you will do nothing all day because of your father! Such a sad man!!” My DH said it wasn’t appropriate to do this in front of their daughter and sent my SD towards the door calmly. She proceeded to yell and give him the double middle finger) saying she doesn’t care if neighbours see (at this point people were staring).

The look on my SD’s face when her mother came out and started yelling when she and her dad were calmly saying goodbye breaks my heart. She suffers from anxiety and was selectively mute throughout most of school so far until second grade. Her face freezes up when her anxiety hits and her body tightens. This is not the first time her mother’s out of proportion reactions or seemingly manic episodes have caused anxiety for her.

My SD and I have a wonderful relationship and I have been in her life since she as 2 and a half. I want to find a way to delicately explain that her mother’s reactions are not an appropriate way to react and yelling and cursing are not appropriate means of communicating with other people. I also want to express that her mother doesn’t always react appropriately because she is working on her mental wellness. But I don’t want to speak I’ll of her mother. All of this is difficult because culturally, her mother doesn’t accept mental illness and even refused to acknowledge her daughter’s selective mutism at all. (Thankfully the doctors and school did). Schools in my area are big on mental wellness, social emotional learning and self regulation, so my SD can understand the concept of mental illness and has a starting point for us to move forward from.

I don’t want to sound like I am speaking I’ll of her mother, but I feel that she deserves to be able to make sense of her mother’s behaviour and not feel guilty that she has done something wrong when her mother is irrational.

She responds well to books and is a strong reader. If anyone has any resources, suggestions, or words for this very delicate talk that we eventually need to have with my SD, it would be very much appreciated.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Her response seems to be similar to my partners daughter any time her parents are together.

I would see about involving a counselor. I'd be worried about telling her anything she may preserve as negative because she's not going to want to see her mom as "defective". I don't think your wrong for helping or trying to attack her so please don't take the word as such.

But like I said a counselor could help her understand and wouldn't feel like your attacking mom. They have experience on how to explain these things.

Ontop of it with these kind of outburst happening I would seriously look at trying to go for primary custody or involving the court. BM's untreated illness can have serious risks.

Ispofacto's picture

An Umbrella for Alex, by Rachel Rashkin­Shoot.

Why is Mommy Sad? A Child's Guide to Parental Depression, by Paul Chan.

The Bipolar Bear Family: When a Parent Has Bipolar Disorder, by Angela Holloway.

Wishing Wellness: A Workbook for Children of Parents with Mental Illness, by Lisa Anne Clarke.

if BM is a substance abuser:
An Elephant In the Living Room The Children's Book. by Jill Hastings.

Kids' Power: Healing Games for Children of Alcoholics, by Jerry Moe/

CleverElbow's picture

 Thank you! I think these resources will be helpful. Not even to talk about it but if she reads some literature on it, by stumbling upon books (I am a teacher so there are always lots of children’s books everywhere) maybe she will feel less unsure. Unfortunately I don’t think a therapist is in the cards at this time. Her mother is very against the idea of mental health upkeep. Mental health is often ignored in her culture. And we are genuinely scared of setting BM off (she has made many threats of coming to my school, shooting my DH at his graduation -though that was years ago, and coming to our church to expose us - as a divorced catholic couple lol we don’t want a scene because that doesn’t make SD feel good) her hearing about her daughter being seen by a doctor for selective mutism was infuriating enough for her. Although they have court on Monday and her papers finally (for the first time) acknowledged my SD’s selective mutism and stated that it was caused by her father because he had to leave for a year to work. (Since mom is unemployed -refuses to get work - and our area was not hiring at the time. He had been back for nearly 5 full years.) 

 

I am exhausted even just recounting this small fraction of the situation  *sorry2*

 

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Or just say "I saw that you got upset when your mom was yelling at your dad. Don't feel bad or stressed about things like that. You didn't do anything wrong. I think your mom was feeling extra frustrated and forgot to use her nice words." Keep it simple, don't play armchair psychiatrist. This isn't really a can of worms you should open with your stepdaughter.

marblefawn's picture

Trust me, your SD knows her mother isn't like everyone else, she knows her mother's behavior isn't appropriate or normal. Don't say ANYTHING to SD about her mom because she may become very defensive of her mom and she may start to view you with more suspicion. The poor kid is in enough turmoil - she doesn't need to feel like she needs to pick sides or defend her mom from you.

I liked what SonofaBrisket suggested you say to SD, but I wouldn't even say the bit about "your mom didn't use her nice words." SD knows she didn't use nice words. Just address your SD and her feelings and leave her mom totally out of it. If you need to refer to the mom, just say, "Your mom is doing her best," or something like that - it will help foster compassion for her mom and others with mental illness.

My own mother is a near lunatic and I can hardly stand a few hours with her. But the moment anyone "goes there," I become so defensive of her because I know she doesn't mean to be the way she is and she's still my mother.

It took me 40 years, but I finally found a nice way to explain to others that my mother is not your average mother. Now I just say, "Well, we don't really shop together - she's a difficult woman," and leave the explanation at that. You might take up the word "difficult" when speaking with your SD. It's nice and vague, it doesn't assign blame, it's true, and people don't usually ask anything more. Maybe something like, "It sounds like you had a difficult day with your mom. You know it's not your fault and she's doing the best she can, right?"

I'd also make sure your SD knows that every family has situations like hers, even when she doesn't see it. It's hard thinking you're the only kid with a nutty mother and it's so embarrassing.

Thumper's picture

What stood out to me first within the parameters of OP' post is, BM is telling dh what to do during dh's visitation.

OH, no no no.

She can TRY to do that and she may have been successful in the past, but dh does not answer to bm. WE learned that many MANY years ago.

Doesn't matter if BM signed sd up for Circus camp or outer space lessons, dads time is separate from moms micromanaging crap. *unless dh's court order reflects he MUST follow bm's activity calendar* DAd can do what he wants WHEN he wants when sd is in his care.

Next someone needs to be honest with sd about her moms mental health. We cant say people with mental illness need a voice and our support when we turn around and remain silent.

A trained Child Psychologist would be who I would make an appointment with and discuss everything. Then see where he/she points you. Mental Health is your ally. If mom is not following her treatment plan (not sure how you know that) and a Childs Psychologist is in sessions with sd, depending on what the child reveals, the Psychologist is a mandated reporter...can you see how important this is?

You talk to SD about MOM's mental illness by way of trained Child Therapist assistance. That is how.

GoodLuck

Thumper's picture

PS why are we hush hush about a divorced parents mental health OR drug addiction?

Shhhhhhh, don't say anything to the kids.

On the other hand..."DONT do drugs, drugs are bad OR IF your sad, angry or want to hurt yourself or someone. IF you see something say something..HELP is here, tell a teacher, Priest, Rabbi"

Mix messages to our youth. Lets make UP our minds.

OK vent over.