Forcing the boys to see their bio-mom?
I have 2 stepsons, ages 13 and 12, and we have an excellent relationship, I love them dearly.. They have not seen their biological mother in over a year, as she lives far away with her new husband, loses her job often, and does not make enough money to come see them often. She is an active alcoholic, and has neglected/abandoned her sons more than once in the course of her on-off relationship with my husband.
Our relationship is nonexistent; we don't speak (either me or my husband). Originally, I made an effort to get along with her; I was optimistic that I could make that work. However, she slandered me and my husband behind our backs all over Facebook and her online blog so often, in all kinds of ways both open and closed, that I felt it was just not possible to work with her. She lies to her large blog audience routinely and makes us out to be selfish abusive jerks. She posts fake letters from the boys about how much they love and respect her, and in these letters they routinely slam us as terrible parents. She has gone so far as to "out" her younger son, as she wants him to be gay; he is too young to date and has not yet determined his own sexuality. She feels very entitled, and has called me in a drunken state to demand that I ante up for her trips to see the boys "because you make one heck of a lot more money than I do, so it's only fair". She pays no child support, and has not sent them so much as a Christmas or birthday card in well over a year. She officially has "supervised visitation only", with my husband retaining full custody.
Here is the issue: She is coming up in May. The boys have grown up quite a bit in the last 2 years. They understand what is going on, and they do not want to see her. I have encouraged them to discuss their feelings with her, but they just don't want to talk to her; the older one has not spoken with her in months on the phone. She is thinking of them as little boys, but they are teens with good insight. I am NOT trying to stand between her and her boys, they are welcome to love her, but they want nothing to do with her.I want to do the right thing by them, but I want to be fair to her too, despite all of the garbage between us. Do I tell her this before she comes up? Do I force them to tell her? Do I force them to spend a few days with her when she comes up? What do I do?
I am aware that, no matter what I do in this situation, she will hate me more/be more jealous of me, so don't mince words.
Thank you for reading this.
Geralyn
How does your DH feel about
How does your DH feel about all of this?
If your DH agrees, it would make sense that as you are letting your Skids make a "grown up" decision, that they share with their decision with their BM. Making sure that they share their thoughts and feelings...even a letter from each of them would be ok IMHO.
It's a tough one though...I can see issues arrising with my Skids when their BM finally gets her head out of her butt long enough to bother to have a relationship with them...FUN FUN!!
My DH (I assume this means
My DH (I assume this means their dad? What does DH mean?) wants nothing to do with her ever again. If he says this, he means it. However, he does not want to kids developing "mother relationship issues" that they are angry about their whole lives, so he wants them to communicate with her about why they are angry.
The older one says he's through talking to her, it happened all of the sudden this fall, he just didn't want to deal with her. He was always happy to talk with her before this, but he says he realized one day that she doesn't listen to him and is always trying to come up with a better story than his own. He says she has left them multiple times and clearly can't deal with having children, and we have a good relationship, and he's content with this. The younger one feels sorry for his mom and is correctly deducing that she is very fragile, and that his rejection will cause her to implode. He talks to her, but he says he only wants to see her one day not 3, and he won't sleep over with her anymore.
I think you are right, it's going to have to come from them, and we are going to have to back this up with a decision and a policy, ie "as long as you are open with her and talk with her about it, you can make this decision". Grown up decisions require grown up behaviour.
Gawdz I am NOT looking forward to this. I want the best for the boys, and this is going to be really hard no matter how it goes down. Thanks!
There are so many women on
There are so many women on this site that post how there husband has lost contact with his kids that live with BM's and how horrible and depressing it is. We all (for the most part) empathize and say how PAS is horrible and its tragic that a BM would do that. I think the reverse is also true. It is the responsibility of the custodial parent to to ensure adequate visitation is available for the Non custodial parent when they request it. It does not (or should not) matter if the custodial parent is the birth mom or birth father. Children do not get to pick there parents or the parenting relationships that they are dealt. When mom comes to town whether they like it or not, they should spend time with her. They should be encouraged to do so and they should be told that it is not an option, it is her right at their mother and that they are expected to see her from such and such a time and that the same rules regarding respect and consequences applies to all parents including their mother. Although they are resistant now, I bet once they see her they will be fine. Even if they dont love the experience, they need to have the time with there mom even if they dont know or think that they do.
Old Dart, Thank you for yet
Old Dart,
Thank you for yet another take.
You are right, I look better when she leaves town, but I'm not worried so much about my standing with them, we're ok. Her leaving has historically been an emotional night, we sit in a big huddle on the couch and watch movies. May still be the same this time; they are 12 and 13, and nowhere near as tough as they think. I just want to sort this out clearly re: hopes and expectations BEFORE she arrives and finds her "babies" 1 ft taller apiece and far less thrilled re: her visit than she'd brought herself to believe. I want them to see her, but there is some pre-visit work that needs to be done here, on all our parts. Maybe I can have her go to NYC and we can bring the boys in there for a day or two, then she can see other friends and not be so isolated out here in the country of NW NJ (She lost her driver's license, so she is not mobile).
Keep the ideas coming, thank you. Need to hear from anyone on this topic. G
My perspective comes from
My perspective comes from that of a child who grew up with a less than adequate bio mom. She was an undiagnosed self treating (with cocaine) alcoholic bipolar. She gave me to my father when I was 1 and she saw me when it was convenient for her. My dad moved me 8 hours away when I was 12. I did not see my mom again until I was 18. From 12 to 18 I was raised solely by my Dad and Step mom. I did not think I needed to see or hear from my mom either. I did. I am 32 years old and there is a void. A large one. She is still my mom, she has medical issues, she's sick, I am her child and she needs me. She wont be getting younger and it falls on me to help her. I want to help her as she is still my mom yet it is awkward. I dont know her. I missed so much. It is sad. We cant get that time back. If the women makes the journey to come and see her children she should see them. They are not adults cant think like adults yet. They dont know what they want or need although they think they do. 12 and 13 year olds THINK they know everything, they do not. If she does not take care of herself like you suggest (alchoholic) who knows how long she will even be around. (read alive) These visits are all that they have, so whether they see the value in them or not they need to have them.
If she comes... The ex I
If she comes... The ex I deal with is in the same boat with my SS, who I call PITA. he is 16 and is an amazing athelete. He takes great care of himself and is very careful about who he chooses to spend time with. As part of the athletic "drug free" code for his school, he has decided he does not want to see his mother because he once found coke and pot in her house. For awhile, he would still visit every now and then. Now, he has nothing to do with her. She calls and says she'll come see his game, but then never shows.
If she would just make the effort...
Excellent advice MamaBecky.
Excellent advice MamaBecky. The kids sound as if they are angry with her and they have every right to be but that doesnt mean they bet to choose whether they see her or not. It sounds as if there is some sort of visitation order in place-the courts recognize that it is important to have both parents in a child's life even if one of them is a piece of crap.
If she has visitation and you
If she has visitation and you don't require the boys to go you could be found in contempt of court. But you have a loophole with the "supervised visitation." If your order says "supervised visitation" then who is the supervising party? Will that supervising party be willing to spend every minute of 3 days with them? What if the supervising party were only willing to do a few hours each of the 3 days? The bio-mom of my stepsons gets "supervised visitation" and if the supervising parties aren't available or willing, then the visitation is canceled. It's heartbreaking to have to force your stepsons to see their mother. I have to do this frequently. But you have to follow the rules. I doubt any judge would terminate the visits at this point but when they are a little older (15-16) a judge might take their desires very seriously. Perhaps then you, DH, & stepsons may want to go back to court to get the order modified so that the boys won't be forced to do the visits. Good luck.
If the CO stipulates that BM
If the CO stipulates that BM gets only supervised visitation how can you legally allow or force the boys to spend several days with her?
I would give only what the CO stipulates if I were you and/or your DH. At most I would take the boys to see BM at a park or mall where DH can keep direct line of site supervision of the visitation or force BM to hire a certified child care specialist to provide oversight of the visit.
I would tell the boys how the visit will go and that at any time if they are not comfortable with BM they can tell the supervisor and end the visit with BM.
I would also do screen shots of BM's forged letters from the boys, slanderous statements against you or DH, and any usable posts on her blog or FB. Give them to your attorney and instruct the lawyer to write her a letter requesting that she stop any reference to you and DH or the boys in her blog and that failure to do so will result in legal action.
Take control is the best way to go with this BM IMHO. Do not give an inch, ever for any reason. Do not allow the boys to refuse to see her but also do not allow her to manipulate the boys.
Keep her alky ass under control no matter what.
Best regards,
Rags, I'm ahead of you on
Rags,
I'm ahead of you on that one, TRUST ME. I started screen-shotting, dating and saving everything I find from her FB and blog that even SEEMS like it refers to me, my husband, or the boys. She has threatened legal action more than once, but she has no money and has an even poorer case. My husband says that if she sues for more visitation/joint custody, we are going to reopen the child support issue and go from there, as she pays nothing right now. She keeps losing her job, has serious debt, has had two unanswered DUI summonses, and blogs endlessly about sex parties that she and her new husband have at their home. Who knows what is the truth, as she is a pathological liar. But she put it out there, it's low-hanging fruit. She tells me she is entitled to her privacy, but there IS no privacy on the Net, and she left it out in public, it's my job to document anything I can in pursuit of a stable life for these 2 boys. They are good kids, no trouble whatsoever, and they are respectful to me, I really did get very lucky. My husband would never have stood for anything else. I wish she and I could have worked it out, but that opportunity is gone. Now, I'm all about my family, and she's gotta deal with me.
:)G