Should I tell SD

4heartbeats's picture

We have custody of SD due to BM being and addict, homeless, and SD almost never going to school. We have had custody for 3 yrs, to which BM has only tried to contact her twice. Last year around her birthday, but making demands to take her; and a few weeks ago. She was pregnant and just had a new baby (yes she is still actively using), and with one of the guys she was seeing (who is a violent addict with warrants) when she lost custody. My husband wants to tell SD that she has a new sibling, but I am not sure she should be told yet. She already has siblings that she doesn't see due to COVID, but when talking to them they don't really talk to her. Maternal grandmother has never put SD first, and SD is not wishing to talk to her. 

What should I do? I just don't want to see my SD hurt anymore.

tog redux's picture

I don't think he should tell her - what good could come from it? She won't be able to see the sibling and it might make her feel that her mother gave her up but not the baby.

I'd leave well enough alone. If she finds out in the future, so be it. Perhaps her mother or her mother's family will let her know - that's the more appropriate way for her to find out.

4heartbeats's picture

I talk to her the most about her other side of the family. I know she loves her mother, but she has mixed feelings about them.

OKtoStep's picture

Not your baby, not your news to share. Plus, how would you feel if your mother didn't talk to you but had a new baby? 

4heartbeats's picture

Her mother hasn't been around for almost 3 years. The last thing I want to do is see her heart break all over again, as I know it hurts her everyday that her mother won't get it together. My husband wants to tell her but I don't think we should right now, and I don't know if or when is ever a good time as I don't know if she'll ever be able to see that baby.

OKtoStep's picture

I'm cranky today and it's probably going to sound rude but your husband needs to stay in his lane and mind his business. How did he even find out that BM produced another unfortunate offspring?

4heartbeats's picture

It was more than rude. And anything pertaining to our children is our lane, and our business. As I said she has not tried to contact her except for last year around her birthday, and a few weeks ago. In those texts demanding to take her and stating she had another baby.

OKtoStep's picture

I meant that BM's new baby isn't his business in any way. 

Rags's picture

BM's breeding habbits are not neccessarily your responsibility to share with SD.  Since BM is not a factor in this young woman's life, saddling a 12yo with more drama regarding her POS mother is not neccessary IMHO.  Now... if BM becomes a notable negative player in SD's life, in your marriage, and in your family... .then absolutely SD should have every fact about her BM that might mitigate the influence BM has.

Since she is pretty much absent, let breeding dogs lie.  So to speak.

Thumper's picture

Do what you believe is right.

Be careful though, bm may decide to show her "mother of the year" talents to a Family Court Judge asking for full custody back.

Addicts seem to have a way to regain custody.

 

Survivingstephell's picture

The odds are that the baby won't last with BM and she will lose custody as she has with SD.  Someday in the distant future, DNA results on Ancestry will unite the offspring off BM.   For now, SD needs a solid place to rely on , one that will prepare her for the world and having an addict for a mother.  Focus on raising a mentally strong and healthy girl to adulthood, she will need that more than anything else you can give her right now.  If she's 18 and has questions, she can have them answered then if need be.  

notarelative's picture

Agree with Survivingstephell. The odds of BM retaining custody of this new baby are slim. She is on Child Services radar. It is possible to retain custody of a new baby after losing custody, but unless you have changed your life for the better (which it does not seem BM has) it is not going to happen. 
In any case, this is BM's story to tell. If SD is not already in therapy, you should consider it to help her process the information if/ when she is aware of it.

4heartbeats's picture

I appreciate all of the advice given. I do not want to do the wrong thing for her. 

advice.only2's picture

Personally I would not be sharing any information that a drug addict was sharing with me or my DH. Addicts are notorious for saying things to manipulate people and situations to get what they want out of it.

Imagine if BM is lying and now you have shared this information with her, and now BM can use this as a way to further manipulate the relationship between your DH and his daughter.

Dogmom1321's picture

What kind of outcome are you hoping for by sharing this news? Honestly, I don't think anything should be shared. SD doesn't talk to her BM anyway and obviously isn't a part of her life... why try to rub it in & remind her? I think only hurt can come from this. 

Personally, I feel that it would be BMs responsibility when SD to older to explain her situation (addiction, absence, new baby, etc.) That's not your DH or your story to tell..

Maxwell09's picture

If she will see/visit/hear from BM in the future then try a hypothetica with her beforehandl. Find a movie or something innocent like that Lindsey Lohan movie that finds her twin at camp-the original was with Hayley Mills and much better in my opinion. ( Edit to add: Parent Trap) Sit and watch the movie with her and at the part where they discover each other tell her how you would feel if you found out you had a sibling you didnt know about to see what she says....and ask her how she would feel. Even if she says she would want to know, still don't just jump right into it, hold off. Give it some time for her to consider it. At a seperate time casually bring up her other siblings and ask if she thinks she would be happier if she didn't know about them or if she prefers to know even though she doesn't get to spend time with them.

Take all of her answers into consideration, sit with your DH and even call a counselor for their advice on the situation as well before deciding. While I do agree with the majority that it is not y'all's business to disclose, I think the fallout of her only seeing her mom once in a blue moon and for her to spring a baby on her at that one time seems like a more harmful situation to SD than telling her beforehand and giving her time to process her feelings privately and safely. Absolutely 100% do not tell her yourself, let your DH do it. He is her biological parent. You can be there for emotional support but the words don't need to come from your mouth so they can't be used against you as if you are being malicious.