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Absent BioMom Still Making Life H*ll

Lamb's picture

Hi Everyone, I'm new here and desperate for support from those in similar situations. My background provides a little more detail on the current situation. I am currently helping my long-term SO raise our sweet 2 1/2-year-old little boy. His mother is undiagnosed but clearly mentally-ill. I don't believe it's ethical to speculate to specifically but I do believe it is a personality disorder.

I have been raising our DS since he was 6 months old. He has called me Mama (with no prompting) for almost a year now, and I love and treat him as my own. I have been present in more of his young life than his BM because of her actions. BM was constantly emotionally and verbally abusive toward SO during the pregnancy and it escalated after he told her he didn't want to be in a relationship and filed a degree of paternity to protect his legal rights. She threatened suicide countless times, and when she began making veiled threats against the baby's life as well, he got a PO and gained temporary full custody. He did everything possible and spent tens of thousands of dollars to work out a legal compromise to GIVE HER BACk 50/50 custody, on the condition that she cease the abuse and go to therapy (THAT HE PAID FOR HALF OF) to get learn how to co-parent in a healthy way. After a year of her slowly gaining back custody (and not always staying true to the requirements) she freaked out in front of his house after she had two extra weeks for Christmas, and couldn't have the third week for New Years (because she did not read the custody agreement and came to pick him up after we had had him back for only 2 days), and verbally and in writing (email) abandoned our sweet baby, one week before his second birthday. This is the third time since his birth that she has abandoned him. Despite this, SO tried to contact her three days before DS's B-Day to arrange to pick up time,  even offering an extra day so DS could spend the night at her house and wake up there on his B-Day. She never responded, and instead lied to her father about car issues. Her father contacted SO to pick up DS, and SO agreed, on the condition that BM would email him to communicate the plan. He even showed her father the email, even though it horribly disparaged SO, to explain that he needed healthy communication between them. She never contacted SO, or even her father to arrange the pickup, and never showed up for another pickup.

 

After months of waiting and giving her a chance to change her mind, SO had to file for legal Abandonment in order to be able to make medical/education decisions without BM. She was given the legal option to fight it, and her dad had been paying a lawyer for her on retainer for the past year and a half, but she never responded to SO, her father, or her lawyer, and the abandonment defaulted. 

 

Since she abandoned him, she has been posting abusive, and unbelievably hateful things about SO on the internet. She says that he stole DS from her, that he is a CSA, a meth head, and has caused her to lose her house (She doesn't have a job), among many other lies. I have stopped going on most social media to avoid seeing these upsetting thing. She has made signs and "protested" at his place of work, around the nearby neighborhoods, and other places she knows he frequented. She put up a large banner on her house saying that he "abused her" by seeking legal action and that he stole her baby. Now she has put up a sign with his full name, places of work (HE WORKS 3 JOBS TO SUPPORT OUR SON), and her horrific lies about him. Luckily everyone in our lives and his current employers have known she is unstable from the beginning and know SO is a good man, (Even her father believes SO having full custody is the best option for DS) but he is trying to get better jobs and I worry how it may affect him in the future. It is devastating to see such disparaging things about the man I love, and I worry about what DS will see/hear about his father when he grows older. Additionally, we WANT DS to be able to reach out to his BM and have a relationship with her. It seems he doesn't really remember her, but we try to remind him about her (positively, we do not discuss her negatively in front of him) and talk openly about the fact that he has "two Moms" and ask him if he misses her, because we want to always have healthy and open communication with him and not lie about it and have him find out later that I am not BioMom. However, having her in his doesn't seem possible. I worry about if this will ever end, or if she will haunt us the rest of our lives, even from afar. 

I apologize for the length, but I don't know where else to vent. I am fairly young, few of our friends even have kids, and none of them are step-parents, or dealing with such an unstable BioParent. I don't know how to handle this for my son, my SO's mental health, or my own. Please, any advice and support are greatly needed.

Winterglow's picture

Get him to get his lawyer to send a cease and desist letter to her and if she persists go to the police. What she is doing is libel, slander and defamation. Your bf does NOT have to stand for this. It's time he stopped playing Mr NiceGuy and stood up for his rights. As you said, she could destroy his future.

Laneyshea's picture

First off, it doesn’t take just having a child to make you a mother. 

I am am a 25 year old mother to 3 (4), my daughter, my son, who passed away after being born 16 weeks early, am currently pregnant, and a step son whom I claim as my own. Let me clarify. 

 

I came into his like at 4 years old. My then boyfriend has temporary custody and the mother ran off with him and it took 6 months to track her down to get him back and only because she contacted me and told me she didn’t want to have him and wouldn’t take care of him any longer. She was living in a car and had no home and had been putting him through this for a long while as well. My son is now 6 years old, he calls me mom. & I won’t stop him from doing so. I may not have birthed hind but I am the only mom he truly has in his life. His “bio mom” hasn’t seen him in well over a year. He doesn’t call her mom. He doesn’t want to talk to her and doesn’t want to see her. She placed serious things on FB about my now husband claiming so many things; but never bothered once to fight for our son in court. My husband and I care for him every day and have full custody of him with her only receiving visitations that she doesn’t take. His mother is a heroin addict, a narcissist, and we are pretty positive she has a personality disorder and bipolar as well. She is so heavy on heroin she put a lock on her ten year olds tent that she made her sleep in at a “friends” house, and a man cut through the tent while her daughter was asleep and almost raped her. Her daughter testified against her and her mother is no longer allowed to see her, and is considered a legal stranger after being deemed unfit and losing all custody  

 

Biologically, no you are not his mother. In the real world though, I refuse to allow my son to grow up thinking I can’t be his mother even though his biomom is alive but to heavy on heroin to be his mom, so although different, I completely understand.  My son will have a mother figure in his life. His mother knows that he calls me mom, and isn’t happy about it, but the moment that she decides to be a mom again, she will earn that title back. MY son is my son because I am the mother he has and I have earned that title to him. I made it very clear to him that he can call me by my name, mom or any other nickname he wants to come up with, I just wanted him to be comfortable with what he called me. I will adopt him, as soon as we finish the court proceedings for deeming her unfit in his case as well. The women is very abusive, shattered my husbands knee when she received the divorce paperwork. As well as a protection order between her and my now husband, brutally beat him while they were married and put him in the hospital and everything else. Our son isn’t safe in her care, and no one will ever change our minds about that  

Being a step mother is still being a mother. Some of us are just far more invested and involved because the POS biomom/dad isn’t. And no child should grow up believe they can’t be loved by a mother/father figure. My son was a wreck before he started calling me mom, and it wasn’t until after he started childs therapy for all of the horrific situations and things has mother put him through that he began doing so.  He was a wreck before he realized he had a mother figure and his daddy right here. So to him, I am mom. & I will claim that role as long as he wants and needs me too. 

You have every right, biologically yours or not. Keep doing what your doing, but have your bf file a suit against her. For your safety, your boyfriends, and YOUR sons. 

Karatedancemom's picture

Only God knows how bad I needed to see this tonight. Not the same situation, but close. Sometimes we all need to be reminded that no matter the title before it, a mom is a mom. I raise my babies with my husband, and that's it. BM has almost nothing to do with them unless it helps her, and I wish we were where you are in our court proceedings. Unfortunately, we have no proof of anything that could remove rights, even though it is obvious to everyone around our children that is what needs to be done. 

I applaud you for going through with adoption and I wish you luck. Hopefully one day I can join you in those ranks. 

amyburemt's picture

Is there an order of protection for your dh in place right now? if not he needs to get one asap. This reeks of extreme mental instability and she is focusing on destroying him. The other thing to consider is that if bm in this mental capacity does get to spend time with your ss, make no doubt about it, in the future she will be engaging in PAS. Parental alienation syndrome. This destroys kids. My dh has had to deal with one and no one should have to deal with that.

Laneyshea's picture

My sons mother just dropped him. It's been a rough road for him. I agree with pp, file an order and perosnally, i would try some sort of court proceedings and explain what she has done and try to get the judge to agree with her having to have evaluations and such and go from there with it. It may help them help you by realizing the extent of the problems she has. 

 

Rags's picture

Your SO needs to quit trying to spoon feed motherhood onto his Baby Mama and step up to protect the best interests of this baby.  No child should be forced into the care of a toxic POS, not even for a second, regardless of who that toxic POS may be.

SO needs a foot up his ass to gain clarity on this.  Now that BM has one again abandoned the baby SO needs to quit F-ing around with this temporary full custody 50/50 back and forth bullshit and strip her of any custody rights and force only supervised visitation on the BM.

Protect this baby.  That is the only "right thing" in the situation you describe.

And yes, you are this baby's Mama.  Not only are you his mama, you are his only mama.   Your actions prove it as does BM's toxic status in this child's life.

All IMHO of course.

Good luck.