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Some days, I get skunked.

Java_Junkie's picture

SKids with their dad this past week and this week (the bios are swapping alternating weeks to synch holiday costody), though we see these SKids twice every weekday. 

Things were going OK, got home from work last night, DW was sore after her post-op PT, so I was Chef Java, and I picked up a nice bunch of goodies, including two lovely pork chops.

I used some dill-infused canola oil to fry up some potato cakes, made a salad, and was about to grill up the nice, thick butterfly-cut pork chops when Thing 1 texted DW to say her X had left the baseball field at the high school where he and a fiend were practicing.

Thing 1 said his dad dropped him off and when he returned, he asked his dad for 5 more minutes... then after 2 minutes, he sped off and texted he wasn't going to keep catering to him like this anymore or whatever...

So DW rushed up there to rescue Thing 1, and just like that, we had a dinner guest who would be spending the night. Unilateral decision, I had NO SAY.

Well, it is what it is... (as if it could be anything else?)

Later DW's X said he had told Thing 1 about 3 times to hurry up because he had a schedule to keep, etc, and he kept dragging his feet.

Now, don't get me wrong... This guy can be a wanker. But I know how Thing 1 can be, and I can totally imagine that kid doing just like his dad said. I can also totally imagine Thing 1 pouting to his mommie about how *there I was, minding my own business, being The Good Son, when TOTALLY, out of the blue, HHHHE started being a BIG MEANIE* - I know it because this wiener DID IT TO ME JUST A FEW DAYS AGO. He lied to his mom about something to cause strife in the house - and she ate it UP.

So there we were, DW and her sonsband and me as the third wheel. DW was so sore she couldn't help cook a thing, but damn howdy, she dashed to her truck to rescue Thing 1. And then, after dinner, I suggested how he could help by doing the trash, and DW agreed; so, when it was time to do the dishes, DW hopped up and said, "C'mon, Thing 1, let's go do the trash!"

And then... a family friend invited us to something, and DW, without really discussing it, jumped on it and committed us to it. "Wha-?" And before I could get another question in, she started arranging with her X to have the kids come back to our house TWO DAYS EARLY - AND THEN started arranging these kids to have sleepovers! All this happened in about an hour, and I was completely left out of the discussion. Serves me right for being Chef Java during the teleconference - Never before, have I felt MORE like the hired help than today.

I don't have problems with the SKids. I have a SWife, and I'm a Half-Husband or something else. Ugly, I'm getting pretty chafed about it these days. It's time for a sit-down with her about this...

Siemprematahari's picture

Why does she not talk with you when arrangements are being made when it comes to her kids? Like the kids coming 2 days in advance and sleep overs?  It's unreal how she dismisses you, pushes you to the side with no regard to what you think or feel.

Java_Junkie's picture

Bear in mind, I have a STANDING "NO" to her daughter having sleepovers after her weekend before Halloween lie-to-my-face-and-smile. I am really approaching the end of my rope on this. It's no secret that I'm dead-set AGAINST a sleepover because of Thing 2's hiding her activities and lying. There's NO COMPELLING REASON TO RELENT.

And to think, what I was hoping to do instead this weekend was to work on my truck so it doesn't strand me on the road again (though only a few minutes, it has done it about 5 times now). I have a LOT of chores, and nobody to help.

Feeling like NOBODY has my back.

Siemprematahari's picture

Have you asked your wife about these new arrangements taking place this weekend and why she hasn't brought it to your attention? I'm assuming because she doesn't care how you feel about it & it says a lot about the state of your marriage.

Take care of your chores, especially your truck and if you can be out of the house as much as possible doing things you enjoy by all means do that.....but really you need to address her and decide how you want to move forward. I'm sure this is not a way of life that you want to continue living.

Java_Junkie's picture

...right in front of me, with her sonsband close-by. I was flabbergasted.

I'm pretty sure I'll just "spring it on her" that I'll be doing something else, as in doing what I had planned before she made her decision. If there's a sleepover, I'm considering going to sleep over at my folks's place - no advance warning, just doing it. "Hail, hail, the gang's all here! Have an awesome night, folks! I'll see you Sunday when I get back from my folks's place!"

futurobrillante99's picture

First, let her know you felt completely invisible and irrelevent.

Then, ask her how she would feel if you made plans without consulting her. Note her answer, "It would be okay, honey." Then blow off to your parents house with a last minute announcement.

Or, invite some obnoxious friends over to your house for poker and cigars while she is in the same room. When she protests, but like you said it would be okay.

Java_Junkie's picture

She made it out like I’m taking it all so personally and essentially trivialized everything I said. Hell, the way she said it back to me sounded like I was a small, petty man.

So, either way, we have a bad disconnect. Either...

  • I’m petty
  • She and her kids are walking all over me
  • She’s gaslighting me
  • I’m stressed out, as in stressed.the.F.out, and it’s just getting me down
  • I can’t explain it or she just can’t understand it
  • I am explaining it, but she’s in denial
  • Orrrrr ???

No matter what, I need a hand, so I made an appointment w my counselor. I just can’t keep doing this crap.

StepUltimate's picture

... for you. "She and her kids are walking all over me... She’s gaslighting me."

You called it. I'm so sorry you're being treated like wallpaper. 

Java_Junkie's picture

I suppose I'm thinking, "If I can't talk to DW, who can I talk to?"

Rhetorical questions can be redirected, so I am choosing the counselor. I have been under a LOT of stress...

tog redux's picture

OK - for perspective: My DH just emailed me and said he was thinking about asking SS18 if he wants to come over on Sunday.

SS18 lives with BM, he comes over every couple weeks for a few hours, he's a decent kid, I have no responsibility for him whatsoever, DH is a good parent, and SS won't stay the night.  And yet DH still asks me if it's OK before he invites him over.

I think that's just common courtesy in a marriage.

Java_Junkie's picture

And that's how I see it, too.

DW says, "It's THEIR home, TOO! I should NOT have to CLEAR it with YOU for them to come to THEIR home!"

And she makes me feel petty for asking parent-type questions (I presume because she never asks them and they just *wing it* - and our home becomes a bit of a flophouse when it comes to sleepovers, with kids changing their minds about stuff all the time - it drives me BSC). "Hon, isn't it actually OUR house, ALL of us?"

Like someone pointed out, DW is treating me as a peer of her kids. I don't think that will work.

tog redux's picture

Your wife is selfish and doesn't care about your feelings, IMO. Yes, it's their home, too but you two are the adults and you two should make decisions.  And anything that affects you should be discussed with you.

Java_Junkie's picture

She seems to be saying I'm controlling.

All I'm saying is I have boundaries, and I don't believe I'm being unreasonable. I don't demand that she run everything by me, but rather I find I'm getting upset at the total lack of consideration she has when she makes these decisions on a whim without even discussing it with me. I ask things like:

Sleepover? Before I agree...

  • Have the kids done their chores and everything is ready to go?
  • Who is coming?
  • Does your mom know this child's mom or dad?
  • Where does this kid live?
  • What time will said kid arrive, and who will be transporting?
  • Will this kid need dinner? Breakfast? Lunch? Dinner again? Just want to know how much we should expect to be responsible for meals and entertainment.
  • Will there be any special activities, like a movie or anything?

I mean, it took some really crazy weekends before I realized that for my sanity, I literally HAVE TO ASK ALL THIS because the SKids will just plain GO WILD and engage in all sorts of chicanery to get to turn a simple sleepover into a $150 night at Dave&Buster's that DW will whip out her credit card and go into debt because she didn't plan a thing at all and can't say NO. DW says her folks never put such limits on her (which I believe is very much not correct - she makes it out like her dad was a grumpy old cuss, though I'm confident he was just being a parent, which she resented).


tog redux's picture

See, I didn't ever have to worry about any of that. DH is a good parent, sleepovers were planned, the kids behaved, and he took care of everything and anything for the kids (I would sometimes help because I wanted to).  After the first sleepover, where the kids ended up in our living room (small house and that's my spot), I asked that any kids who sleep over sleep in SS's room.

Done. No questions asked, no telling me I'm selfish and controlling.

In a healthy marriage, you don't doubt your sanity because your wife gaslights you, you solve problems together, and compromise. Frankly, your wife is the controlling one.

I hate to say this, but she sounds a lot like my DH's stories about BM. They aren't pretty.