A little disengaging...
She's told me she doesn't want me to be a "parental figure" to her kids, so... OK.
She continued: "They HAVE two parents. They don't need more than that. Just be more of a friend."
I thought... Seriously? OK, then BE A PARENT, lady. Wait... tell ya what... I'll just sit back and not clean up after them, not carry things for them, not be their ride anywhere, etc. Not My Kid, Not My Responsibility. Since it's the "You And Them Show, with special guest Java_Junkie," rock on, girl. But I make it a habit to not befriend children - can you imagine on a Friday after work, a 55 year old guy and a 13 year old girl and 14 year old boy go to the bar and drink a pitcher of beer and laugh off a tough week? Yeah, NO. No, thanks, that'd be wrong on a bunch of levels.
I asked her kids to do something small, and they pulled the teen angst BS, so I said, "Oh, I get it. I'm not your dad, you don't have to do what I say - and I don't have to do anything for you." They looked at me funny, and since then? I'm like a fly in the room. They're running late for something? I guess they'll be late - I will not help them one bit. Their toast is getting burned? Not MY toast. What I had been doing was "I've got your back" is no longer there for her kids. Her son was pouting about how he wanted someone to get his baseball game bag out of the back of DW's truck. I heard him, looked into the back of the truck and saw it, and just kept walking. When he saw me not grab it, he pouted, "Mommy, can you get it for me?" She told him he needs to get it. I went in and didn't hear the rest of the conversation, though I know he wanted to leave it in the back for a few days, but she said she had to run errands and didn't want to leave it where it'd get stolen, since she paid a few hundred for the gear in it.
Disengaging is therapeutic when watching irresponsible snots realize how awesome your support WAS, and how its conspicuous absence from their lives kinda sucks. Maybe they'll come around and I'll re-engage, but this is FUN to watch right now.
It's funny when they realize
It's funny when they realize how much you actually did for them and they now have to do for themselves!
Yep! Especially when they
Yep! Especially when they copped a snarky attitude and I basically said, "Good luck with that!" At their dad's house, their SMom gets really worked up, but me? I disengage. While she wants me to not be a parent figure, I'll make sure this house won't be a snowflake factory.
I think that when she says
I think that when she says that she doesn't want you to be a parental figure it's because she doesn't like how you have been doing it with them in the past. I don't blame you for drawing the line on doing things for kids that you have zero control over. I mean, I get it.. the kids DO have two parents and that a step parent doesn't necessarily have to fill that role. But, that doesn't mean that a step parent should just be a buddy either. If the person is a partner to their parent, they should play a supporting role in backing their SO up.. and that may include having some responsibility over the kids and may require that person to have authority to correct and direct actions of the skids.
I will be honest, it doesn't seem like she truly wants to partner with you.. you can have no authority over kids that would live with you and she isn't willing to change her name. Sounds like she is letting the kids be the priority at every turn.
Agree on all points.
Agree on all points.
They have one parent one week, one parent the next. Their dad is, well, he's just plain odd, and the kids' SMom is INCREDIBLY insecure, so they all have some interesting interactions.
DW has told me she doesn't expect her kids to go "goose-stepping around the house," which I said I don't, either - but I expect them to respect my space, my property, my time, and so on. Her kids have gotten a LITTLE better, but when DW and I are having a conversation, these kids will walk right up and start talking to her as if I'm not even there. DW doesn't stop it, so I leave the room - to H with all that junk. So, DW does make some effort (after a couple years now) to get them to acknowledge before interrupting, but now, as teens, they seek her out less often.
Your home, your rules... so now hold DW accounable for SKid
compliance to YOUR household rules. Just because you are not allowed to parent doesn't mean you don't enforce the rules in your home. So, put that on DW too and see how long it takes her to gain clarity on the error of her ways.
Enjoy your new found time and freedom.
Thanks!
Thanks!
Update...
Update...
Three months into it, it's going pretty well. DW and I have discussed it some and she thinks it's going well. I'm practically ignoring her kids, mostly speaking to them only when they speak directly to me. When they barge in and interrupt DW and me while I'm speaking, I stop talking until DW tells me to continue.
I still don't count in their lives - but now, I'm letting them figure out that they don't count in mine. I've done way too much in my own life, have way too much to offer, am far better than they even notice, and refuse to waste time with dull witted shallow people who don't care. These kids are shifting into their personal interests, and SS14 is getting better at baseball (good) but has been dropping the more challnging academics classes because "it's too hard." Whatevs, ya dumb jock... SD13 is consumed by e-socializing with her frienemies and has essentially stopped paying attention to the world around her. She's becoming quite the nouveau socialite.
DW and I have been working on the house and taking care of things while these two brats are loving life, not having to do chores or anything. I've caught myself getting burned out, feeling like the superintendant at a resort for her precious children, so I'm letting some chores slip...
Clean up on aisle six? NMK/NMP.
Weir flaps on the pool broke whild kids had friends over? Yeah, I'll get to it when I know they're done swimming, mañana, mañana... let the leaves fill the pool a while.
Trash day? I'll take out mine and DW's.
Ants in SS's bedroom because he leaves his drinks around? Not mad - I hope he loses sleep with ants walking on his face till he figures out I wasn't kidding about why he needed to not leave messes. It's not my bedroom - and it's on the other side of the house, so I really don't give a hoot...
Last minute sleepovers and unexpected houseguests? This is still an issue. What's really getting me is DW hasn't met my niece and nephew, and I have hinted at inviting them over for Independence Day. DW was talking me out of it... then she called a friend and right in front of me offered to let the friend's daughter come over Friday till 10pm. Not a word to me, just like that... So I'm considering inviting over my whole family and SURPRISE! Wouldn't that be fun???