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Family Funeral

Dad's horrible girlfriend's picture

Following advice on these forums a few years ago I disengaged with SD21 (she was then 17) and SD28 (then 24).

As it happens they have no real idea that I disengaged as they also disengaged. The youngest did it first and the eldest followed soon after. They both told their father they want nothing more to do with him. His heart was broken ... and mine for him. How can anyone be so hurtful?

Two years ago their grandfather died. They went to see him on his deathbed. He had no idea how they were treating their father or I'm sure he'd have seen them out. At his funeral they were rude. They did speak to their father but didn't even attempt to make eye contact with me. It was as though I was invisible. My OH said he would be letting them know how rude he found their behaviour but I don't believe he ever did.

This week their grandmother died. They were fond of her but had stayed away from her after falling out with their dad. Their grandmother was heartbroken by their lack of contact. Her death was sudden and unexpected. There had been no chance for goodbyes but plenty of time to have visited her out of love if they felt that way.  My OH was the apple of his mother's eye. Their treatment of him caused her a lot of pain.

In spite of their treatment of him, my OH still buys presents for them. They never thank him. He wrote a heartfelt letter to them before Christmas. They ignored him. When he contacted them with news of his mother's death the eldest had a go about how long it took him to tell her because he waited until he knew she would be home from work.

Niw all of a sudden they are heartbroken and want input in the funeral arrangements! I realise it's their grandmother but really if they cared that much they should have shown it when she was alive. 
How should I handle the funeral? I will be there supporting my  OH. His ex wife will be there supporting the kids apparently. I will be ignored and I'm not sure how to handle it. It isn't in my nature to be hostile and to treat them how they have treated me surely makes me as bad as them. However I am more than a little cross with them. How can I pull this off to come out of it the bigger person while showing them up for the brats everyone already knows they are?

Thanks for reading and sorry for long post.





Exjuliemccoy's picture

Are these adult strangers contributing to the cost of the final.arrangements? No? Then they get zero input, and can deal with their guilt in whichever manner they choose.

People come out of the woodwork when a family member dies, so ignore the murmurings of the sheep. Arrange a funeral that honors your MIL, thank the people who were present and supportive in her life, and ignore the trash.

notarelative's picture

There is nothing like a relative who hasn't seen the deceased in a while deciding they need to be involved in the funeral arrangements. My first husband had been ill for over a year and his sister visited him once in all that time. She decided that since she knew the funeral home director, she could change the funeral arrangements. Didn't go the way she wanted.

BM may show up "to support the kids", but they are not toddlers, they are not tweens, they are adults. BM does not get to sit with DH. BM does not get to ride in the family car. BM sits where friends sit, not in the family area. 

Exjuliemcoy has it correct. DH should: Arrange a funeral that honors your MIL, thank the people who were present and supportive in her life, and ignore the trash.

Merry's picture

Absolutely this. BM is not family. If she wants to come to "support" the "kids" in their grief, you can't stop her. But you and DH CAN ignore her. And just because someone wants to be involved in the planning, doesn't mean they get to be. It's up to DH and any siblings.

My exH and his new wife showed up to my Mom's funeral. Drove three hours to get there. It was bizarre. He couldn't stand my family until after we divorced, then he was besties.

Focus on supporting your DH. His spawn will ignore you anyway. If you do encounter BM, a gracious greeting followed by "I need to speak with Uncle Larry, please excuse me" is all you need to do. You're not there to host or entertain anyone.

fedupinwa's picture

You can let the kids come and help with things like the slide show, or let them read the program and make suggestions, do not let them take the lead.  If they are not paying the expenses they need not control the situation.  As for BM, she doesn't need to go, it's not about her.  My DH sent BM an email politely uninviting her, she is no longer part of the family, SKs are and they have their dad present to support them and they should support him too, not sit to the side with mommy.

Rags's picture

I struggle with an X attending funerals of people who are no longer family.   Upsetting the grieving family is low class.

While I would relish in attending the SpermGrandHag's funeral and pissing in her grave I of course would not.

My DW would have zero interest in attending any funeral in the SpermClan including the SpermIdiot.

If I were your DH, I would inform his kids that they are not invited to his mother's funeral due to their behavior at his father's funeral.  If they show up and pull their past crap, I would have off duty police as security and have them removed.  If BM shows up, she would not be allowed either at a memorial service or a grave side service.

DH needs to give them all this message and then focus on celebrating his mother'd life.

IMHO of course.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Grandmother made it clear that her heart was broken by these young adults (not kids) who had nothing to do with her in her final years.  IMO that means they don't get to play the role of grieving family to get attention.  And BM certainly should not be allowed to attend.

Your DH needs to tell these adult a$$holes point blank that they are not welcome to attend the funeral since they ignored his mother and broke her heart, and he had to be witness to her pain.  Then inform the funeral parlor who they are and tell them they are not allowed in.  Funeral homes are very good at these kinds of situations and can do so without making a scene. 

Disillusioned's picture

Hopefully your DH will be sticking by your side throughout this

And if that's the case go, be polite and be kind but don't put up with mistreatment

Pay no attention to BM or skid games

You're there to support your DH and if you were close to your MIL, to honour and remember your times with her...

CLove's picture

After a week-long vigil. And BM as well as Feral Forger  SD20 showed up (because FF doesnt have a license), and they stuck around forever, and caused DH to leave early from grieving with his family.

Finally a SIL spoke up and asked BM to please not attend.

I guess the big question is who is paying for arrangements?

My condolences to you, your DH and the family. Its best during these times to be the best support system you can.

We had a week-long vigil where she was slipping away, then a week of memorial and then burial, and then a catholic prayer cycle lasting 9 days. FF sd20 showed for vigil, then briefly for memorial and then briefly for burial and zero prayers. About 3 years prior, she was basically no contact and certainly no contact with her gma, who was much beloved.

Tammy1's picture

14 years ago I made the mistake of trying to reunite my husband and his daughter.  His ex did everything in her power to turn their daughter against him.  Fast forward and she was 20 attending college.  She got into financial trouble because of laziness and dropped out of school.  She owed a few thousand and we offered to help her pay it and get back into school.  Long story short, we would pay the bill but she only wanted the money and got angry.  All communication stopped.  Fast forward a couple of years and she pops up again.  She accused me of lying to my inlaws about the education stipulation which didn't go over well with them.  My husband went to visit his parents and SD asked that I not come because it would be "awkard".  I was angry because it was a vacation that we were taking our 2 children on.  But I did not go.  Everytime she communicates with my husband it turns into hate and jealousy yelling fest.  He's appologized for things he's never done, he continued to send gifts and cards.  He's reached out many many times only to be crushed.  Last night his father passed and here we are again.  In the 6 years that have passed she had a child recently, my husband had major heart surgery last year and never a call.  My husband has asked me to keep an open mind.  I cannot.  Im certainly not going to tell him that at a time like this.  

To make matters worse, I have a special needs daughter who lost her father and her grandmother.  It almost destroyed her with depression.  She's had people in her life that abandonded her and she doesnt understand it.  My one stipulation to my husbands daughter was not to come into her life until she was prepared to stay there.  My duaghters do not even know about the step daughter and it was never told to them because she was not a good person and very jealous of them.  I feared that she would go as far as to harm them in her rage.  

Last night she would not say if she was attending the funeral or not.  So this am Im thinking my children and I will stay home and fly husband up there?  Between my husand, myself and my daughter we have gone through 2 heart surgeries, 5 brain surgeries and I cannot take anymore stress.  Suggestions??????

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Tammy, can you copy and paste this into a blog post of your own? That way more people will see it and be able to offer support.

For what it's worth, if you and your children had a good relationship with your FIL, then I think you should attend the funeral to pay you respects and support your H. If SD didn't exist, would you be going? Don't let one toxic person dictate how you live your life.