Disengagement: Act 1, Scene 1

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Having said in a thread earlier on that I don't get the opportunity to disengage because I never see SDs ... news just in. The SD who refused to invite me to her daughter's christening wants to come round tomorrow because her grandmother is going to be here (so not to see us).

My thought is that the dog will need walking at the time she plans to arrive.

Remind me how I play this scene. I'd prefer to not see her at all but am I right in thinking that I just engineer things to make sure I'm not around or do I make it clear why I'm disappearing, beating in mind her brother and grandmother will be here?

Any advice on tactics gratefully received.

I think you are on the right

I think you are on the right track. Find a legitimate reason to be out of the house. If you can claim work related issues, all the better. Or just say that you are going to visit a friend who is in a bit of a crisis. Then, just leave.

I've done this before. Claimed I had a huge work deadline which I absolutely needed to work on when SD and her boyfriend were coming over. I did not offer to make dinner (like I used to) and I briefly greeted them and then went downstairs. The three of them went out and I stayed behind "working."

Love this idea! Especially

Love this idea! Especially mentioning the christening! This will remind everyone in the room she claims to be uncomfortable around you but then has no problem being around you in your home! Seems to me she picks and choses when she is "uncomfortable" around you just to prove she is in control of your husband.

I am so sick of this

I am so sick of this 'uncomfortable' crap. Either have the guts to say "I don't want you there because I am not that fond of you" or "My mother will have a fit if you are there, so sorry, no invite."

Uncomfortable my arse. All this PC craptastic language is just a cop-out for bad behavior.

I would actually say to her "Wow! It has been so long since we have seen you! Did the invite to the christening get lost in the mail or something?" Then sit there and talk to grandma. After about 15 minutes say "Well I will leave you to chat about family stuff. I have some errands to run. Love you MIL..."

I agree with this totally,

I agree with this totally, oneoffour. I quit being uncomfortable and began making SD, SGD, (mother/daughter) and my DH uncomfortable in MY home. It is also DH's home, but he acts like it is HIS ALONE when his DD is visiting.

The only way my SD and SGD understand is when I am rude, don't engage in their conversation, and actually hint for them to leave (we have plans), then walk them to the door, upon departure I hold the door open, just long enough for them to walk thru, then I shut it. No words needed and they hardly come around any longer. I never leave my home, NO. I won't give up my alpha female territory to the rude bitches; they are here on my terms.

It is crap to keep taking the abuse, give some of it back, without getting involved in their drama.

So true Sammi, when they are

So true Sammi, when they are in YOUR home they can behave (and most husbands are pansies), or You can make them miserable; WE have to change the dynamic if nobody with testosterone exists....and if they never come back, SM is finally totally rewarded with past due peace!

Duplicate.....

No, mentioning the

No, mentioning the Christening is the exact opposite of disengaging. It's starting more drama with skid. You don't need to explain why you don't want anything to do with them anymore. They know they've been shit to you, you know they've been shit to you so playing this petty "I'm not your friend no more so ha!" is childish and will only cause more tension for you and your husband and his kids.

Disengaging is basically "doing nothing" with/for/towards his kids. Take the dog out before she arrives and plan to be gone the entire time. Don't try to make an entrance or stage a scene. All of that is stil you putting in way too much effort to play games with them. If you get home and she's still there nod your hello then go soak in an hour long bubble bath. When your husband tries to reiterate to you their visit with grandma you say things like " oh""that's interesting" "okay dear" " whatever you say dear" or my favorite-the effortless "mhmmm" Don't ask questions, don't give an opinion, don't offer up help (like dinner arrangements) THIS is disengagement! Not petty comments that prove you're still holding hurt feelings. And if by some miracle the girl comes around wanting to talk about what happened to y'all's relationship, THEN you say "well by your actions of excluding me from the christening, etc, you clearly didn't want me around so now I've disengaged from you so I'm no longer bothered by your decisions."

Agree agree agree.

These SKs blow through

These SKs blow through boundaries and convince their Daddeee to treat SM in a way he would never ask of or expect from anyone, including the SK.

You leaving your home when SD has the unmitigated gall to invite herself in after explicitly excluding her father's wife (you) just further reinforces who has the power (see earlier post on who has the power).

You don't have to be besties. You can be polite yet disengaged. This is your home, not hers. She can meet her GM somewhere else, if she cannot be polite to you, especially in your own home.

Yup. I would simply tell SD

Yup. I would simply tell SD that this is YOUR visit with MIL and she could plan her own visit on her own time at a locale that isn't your home. I would and tell her myself, then hang up. I wouldn't tell DH. If he found out I would simply say I wanted to enjoy the visit, like an adult. If they wanted to override my decision fine, but I would not attend and it would not happen at my home.

I think it's sad that you

I think it's sad that you feel the need to have to leave your own home. Why don't they all go out to eat and leave you to have the house to yourself. Why should you feel uncomfortable enough to have to leave your own home? That's awful

Do you like gramma? If so,

Do you like gramma? If so, don't leave.

Tell sd flat out - "you're not comfortable with me so I know you will make your own arrangements." And then enjoy the hell out of the family visit.

We just had a visit from some inlaws. I enjoyed it very much. I did not make myself scarce so SD could get in her family time. Screw that. I enjoyed myself and she hid in her room a good deal of the time. That's on her. She's very nearly 18 so it is very definitely on her. I am not ceding my relationship with nice people to honor some brat's no-fly zone.

IMHO this is the best

IMHO this is the best response, though I would direct the flat out comment to DH. "SD's not comfortable with me so she cannot possibly be comfortable in my home. She needs to make arrangements to see Granny elsewhere."

Loving some of these

Loving some of these ideas.

Brother lives in London and has come to stay for Easter. He spent yesterday with SD and then text me to politely ask if I minded his early arrival while his Dad, my OH (we're not married) was still out. I get along very well with SS and so he arrived with a gift for me. He's great and I like him as a person whether he's my partner's son or not.

Grandmother lives at a distance and is frail. My OH and SS are driving to pick her up and bring her here and we are all going out for lunch, including my Mum. All of us get along so nothing uncomfortable there. I organised today's lunch. I only invited our mothers but booked an extra seat at the table in case SS was going to be around, but I didn't invite him.

I moved in with OH last year. I don't consider it to be my home. I feel more like a guestand he knows I feel this way. He refers to one spare bedroom as YSD's room even though we haven't seen her in a year. The plan is to sell this and buy somewhere together but until then I don't feel this is my home and so I am happy to disappear when she arrives. I'm very emotional at the moment so I'd prefer to just not see her. She is fully aware that we lost my brother four weeks ago while she was excluding me from her precious child's christening. While my brother was dying she slapped that one on me. I have no wish to see her and make small talk. I have nothing to say to her. Seeing her will always remind me of the additional hurt she piled on when I was going through one of the most difficult times in my life. As far as I am aware, nobody stuck up for me and so when they want to get together I will always disappear. My days of being polite around her are done.

Thanks for the scenarios. If I happen to be here when she arrives I will know how to play it. I will not lower myself to her level. I will always be polite but I will not stay around. I'd prefer to just be out when she arrives and stay out until she's gone.

I would STRONGLY suggest you

I would STRONGLY suggest you think twice and thrice about buying any property together with this man!

Seriously, if you think that your feelings of exclusion will go away once you buy an "ours" home you are sorely mistaken. I would fully expect that your SO will want to reserve special space/room in your JOINT house for his daughter. How will that make you feel?

Biggest. Mistake. Ever.

Do NOT buy property with a man when there are issues with his kids. This board is filled with stories about women who thought things would be different and found out they weren't. Then they wound up in a financial/legal nightmare.

Agree. I do not know what

Agree. I do not know what the laws are in England but if you do this and OH dies, you will have a fight on your hands to keep your home. Considering that OH did not stand up for you, especially when your brother passed, is a sign of the future with this man.

I agree about the joint

I agree about the joint property; that is when ALL my problems started and they never went away, only escalated. If you are seeing problems now, can you imagine what is in your future given joint ownership? It is great you are getting a forewarning from the entitled; many of us on this board wish we had received it before making a joint purchase.

Do not leave your home and if this woman disrespects you in ANY way in your home, tell you husband to visit with her alone at another location. This is YOUR home too; you need a place for peace and well-being. She is on YOUR turf....she may need to be reminded of such.

Agree agree agree. Even if

Agree agree agree. Even if you were married it can be a nightmare to keep your home.

Also agree - if you are having these issues now, already, maybe re-think the relationship.

If you can go to OH and discuss these issues, and he can see that his relationship with you should take priority when his adult children (oxymoron intended) want to exclude you, insult you, enmesh with him, etc then run far run fast while you can.

Amen.....

If this was my situation I

If this was my situation I would leave a very *loving* note to all that says "Welcome! I made plans for the spa a while back but I'm sure you will have a marvelous time. Sorry I missed you!"

Then get the heck out of there before this all goes down.

My suggestion is a little questionable but in my mind serves the following:

1) "Welcome" == I'm a grown up and even though you are an immature, inconsiderate, ... nice try at ruining my day. Not happening.
2) "I made plans..." == I'm taking care of me... and I don't give a rats a$$ how you feel about it.
3) "... but I'm sure you will have a marvelous time.." == Who the heck cares what kind of time you have... you're not ruining my day.
4) "Sorry I missed you" == Entirely untrue and she will know that... but anyone reading your ever-so-kind note which you will leave in a place for everyone to see... you are awesome!

Let us know how it goes!

I'm like you OP, I'd rather

I'm like you OP, I'd rather not even see ss31. If DH gives me notice that he is coming over I bolt before he's here and stay out doing whatever until he's gone. Usually I can stretch out the gym and shopping for several hours. If my kids are home I'll take them to a movie or do something fun. I have nothing to say to him, don't want to start drama in front of DH or my children. Many of ss's family members feel the same way, they claim to *love* him but they just don't want him around. He likes to fight and argue with anyone who will take the bait so avoiding him all together whenever possible works best for me.

I have had to be at family events where ss31 has graced everyone with his presence. Since I cannot bolt from those events I just socialize and be as hospitable as possible, especially to MIL who is ss's grandma. I get her drinks, food, help her up the stairs, etc. So I would suggest that if you get the chance make sure to get in good w/grandma, make sure she is taken care of before you take off.

Do what feels good for you.

The last time my SD25 was

The last time my SD25 was over, I retreated to the garage to take care of a backed up floor drain. That was much more interesting than any conversation with her. I hung around for a little while but could only take so much.

Sometimes, there's just other things that need your attention, no explanation necessary.

I get on extremely well with

I get on extremely well with MIL and she is acutely embarrassed by her granddaughter. I got time alone with her on the way to lunch. I told her OSD was coming over later and that I would be taking the dog for a walk. She pleaded with me not to but I said it is for the best. I said how I've been feeling. She told me how sorry she is but it is NOT her fault.

We got back from our lunch out. Bearing in mind some of your comments above, I decided to be there when she arrived. I waited for a hello, eye contact ... anything! She even declined a seat next to me but then sat down as soon as I got up and announced I was taking the dog for a walk. In all that time she made no effort to communicate with me. She got introduced to my Mum and didn't look at her either.

I didn't stick around for more.

As for buying together; all rooms will be spare rooms. His youngest daughter used to spend every other weekend here, until I moved in. That's why it's called her room. As she wants nothing more to do with him, refuses to see him and has changed her surname to her stepfather's surname, he won't need to set aside space for her.

As for legalities, I come from a legal background and know exactly what to do to protect myself and he is in full agreement that we should take those protective steps to protect each other. However, I do agree that we need another conversation.

When YSD initially started with her campaign of hatred, refusing to come over if I was there, she was just 26. My response was ''don't let her do this. Stand up to her or there will be trouble'. His take on that was that I was preventing him from seeing his daughter. I was incensed at that. It wasn't me making threats and demands. I even ended our relationship for a short time but I couldn't bear it. I loved him. I decided to just bide my time. Then things improved and we planned for me to move in. This is the news which drove her away. That was nearly a year ago. He stuck with his guns and here I am... and here she isn't. My OH Is getting to the point of moving on from her. He is having some counselling focusing on acceptance. He was very remorseful about me not being invited to the christening but I know he would like a relationship with his granddaughter if at all possible. I don't think he holds out very much hope of a relationship with OSD now. He says we should focus on people who love us and care about us. I agree with him.

Wait - we are supposed to be

Wait - we are supposed to be protecting our MIL's? And where did you get the idea she was trying to convince her to turn her against her granddaughter? She was explaining why she might not be there, because that was a situation likely to blow up later. Those of us who are SMs know how this crap works.

Exactly what workable peaceful solutions do you think OP could achieve here? Come up with a great solution, then I will send you a PM of my personal situation for your divine assistance.

My H has an aunt who likes me

My H has an aunt who likes me very much. When situations arise with SD28 I am comfortable telling his aunt. She has been in the family for years, she knows the dynamic and often has decent advice.

HeavenLike it wasn't as

HeavenLike it wasn't as dramatic as you try to portray. I am very close to MIL. She and her family were furious and embarrassed that I was excluded from the christening. She knows how things are. I didn't mention it for drama. I mentioned it to prevent drama. MIL lives an hour's drive away and so of course OSD will want to see her when she is here. MIL can't walk more than a few feet and so I wouldn't dream of asking her to meet OSD somewhere else.

I don't know what you mean about me daring SD to ignore me. After the way she has treated me I was damned if I was going to be the first to speak. Had she spoken to me, I would have been polite. I'm not as rude as you seem to think. She had the opportunity and didn't take it. There were no dramas. My departure with the dog was timely as she has a young baby and the dog is dxcitable. She is afraid of dogs and most likely thought I was being helpful taking the dog out. I said a very general hello, gave the baby a kiss and left saying I'd be back soon. No drama. No asking anyone to take sides. Just disengagement as I understand it. I didn't come on here seeking sympathy or judgement, merely to seek advice about disengagement. I'm uncertain of your motive but it doesn't feel very friendly or supportive.

You did fine. My mil is also

You did fine. My mil is also embarrassed by her granddaughter, my sd all dh's relatives are. They would all understand if I avoided a situation where she is. Heck, they have their ways of avoiding her, too! But I don't avoid them because of her because I like them too much to let her control my interactions with them.

By you leaving and telling mil I wonder if it gave grandma a chance to say something during her alone time with sd. Interesting.

My MIL confided in me that

My MIL confided in me that she does not like ss31, but she loves him. I know she would understand if I didn't stay long in ss's presence.

Chief, I doubt she would. I

Chief, I doubt she would. I think she feels SDs parents should challenge her behaviour but they never do.

Yeah, that's how my in-laws

Yeah, that's how my in-laws are, too. Even so, in my case gramma has said very oblique polite things to SD to try to straighten her out. But my brother in law has said very direct and firm things to her. Awesome brother in law!

If it were my family of origin, a kidult behaving that way would be called instantly in the moment by at least 5 people. Basically anyone within earshot.

I know my brother in law

I know my brother in law would relish tearing both SDs off a strip but he won't do it for fear of alienating my OH. My OH doesn't want to call them out for fear of losing them completely (even though one of them has said she never wants to see him again without him doing that anyway).

My own DS was rude to my OH in the early days of our relationship. He struggled with the thought of losing me to him. He was 16 at the time. He never once got away with it. Each time he had to apologise. He soon stopped doing it and realised the benefits of building a relationship with my OH.

My OH doesn't defend his daughters. He sees that their behaviour is bad. He just won't tackle it. He is starting some CBT group therapy soon. Perhaps if a whole group of people tell him he's playing door mat to his daughters and his ex, he might start to realise that he will earn some respect from them by standing up to them. Do people really turn their backs on people who love them just for being told they are behaving badly? Surely if they do, it's only in the short term? Maybe I am naive. OSD already withdrew from him for a few years whilst a teenager and a teenage YSD is currently doing the same. They certainly like to make him suffer. MIL tells me they are like their mother. Not nice people by my standards but I learned a long time ago not to place my own high standards in other people.