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The end came quickly

Etta's picture
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I haven't been here for a few months.  It's been a bit of a mess and I'm barely out of the fog now.

March the 15th they left my home - SO, SD9, and SD12.  I had very big issues with SD12 and BM, and you can probably see that in my previous posts.

I tried very hard to do everything under the sun to get my house right, but it just didn't work.  SD12 gained more power and control than I ever thought possible, and SO allowed it.  I left the company that SO and I had and started a new job - I could see the handwriting on the wall and I needed to get my feet under me financially.  I would come home from work in silence and go right to the bedroom and shut the door.  SD12 would then speak very loudly and make snide comments from the other side of the door...I simply could not believe I was being tried by a 12 year old!

One morning before they moved out SD12 told her father that SD9 did something.  He came into the room screaming at SD9, and I explained that nothing had happened.  If I hadn't been there SD9 would have gotten in big trouble...SD12 had it in for me and her sister because her sister and I were fine.

Disengaging didn't work.  SO viewed it as alienation to SD12, and that I was hurting a "child" that had already had too much pain in her life.  He did not back me up at all, and my home suddenly became a divided territory...them against me!

Unfortunately, I loved him and had hoped he would snap out of it and do something...but he didn't.  Things ended up going horribly wrong with my job and I'm now back working with the ex-SO.  There is NO relationship - Not because I don't want one, but because I have been made the biggest most horrible monster in the world...to say I am a villian is an understatement.  I have tried to have civilized conversations with him about the situation and there's no discussuing it...there is not going back and I suppose that is a good thing.

Sometimes these things are blessings in disguise, but everyone that enters into disengaging with a less than supportive SO/DH should prepare themselves for complete disintegration of the relationship.  To be honest, I really felt like he would wake up before it came to them leaving. 

I gave 4 years to these girls...and I worked constantly to provide for them, love them, and right the wrongs of two really bad parents...in the end the only lesson that was learned was by me...never again! 

 

Harry's picture

If a relationship with your SO with out SK is possible,  it will work out.  But you can never have a relationship with SD,  I hope he s happy with SD running his life,  Because she now knows she has all the power and he will never have a GF again 

Liz hill's picture

Hugs hon. I know its hard now but she would always get between you. My sd tried everything too and it finally got to the point of its her or me. She did everything to try and destroy us. I was lucky and she ended up going back to her mothers. Took me another 14 years to disengage and ban her with hubby's blessing from our home. You don't need this monster in your life. I truly feel for you and hope you find some peace and joy in your life without her.

justmakingthebest's picture

Sending hugs! 

There are some major blessings here though and try and look at the positives as you are mourning the loss of a man that you loved and the years wasted. 

  • You didn't get married, so no messy divorce
  • No joint children that will be subject the SD12
  • You moved jobs, so that is a clear line and no longer an issue.
  • You saw everything for what it was. So many burry their heads in the sand and live the life you described for ever. 

You live and you learn. The next time you open your heart to someone, you will be aware of these red flags. You can talk about this relationship and let him know that you won't tolerate this kind of behavior from anyone! 

tog redux's picture

Break-ups are hard, but good for you for having the courage to let go. You may love him now but you won't in a few years, once you place the blame in the right place - on him.  A 12-year-old can only gain power with a parent's help.

 

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

I agree with this.  The 12 year old wasn't the problem.  She was just the symbol of it.  Your SO was the true problem.  My only advice is that you really need to find another job amd make a clean break.  You should cut all this animosity from your life.  You will feel much freer once you have done that.

Java_Junkie's picture

So sorry you invested so much and had no support in your efforts to do the right thing. Cheers, and hoping things can improve.

That you're back at your ex's place of employment sounds a little awkward, and I hope that doesn't prove to be a problem, either.

Tryingtomakeitwork's picture

I learned that your situation (and mine which is similar to yours) is “typical.”  Usually, the stepmom is made out to be the villain, the bio dad has parenting gaps because of divorce guilt, the stepchildren are manipulative and resentful.  <sigh>. It’s all so very sad.  Everyone loses.  Be thankful you are out after 4 years.  I’ve been in for 16 years (14 married and 2 we dated.). I’m exhausted just thinking about what I have to do to get out...not to mention an ailing mother I will have to make arrangements for AND explaining everything to my children.

Rags's picture

Congratulations on purging your life of this failed waste of skin parent and his shallow and polluted gene pool.

Enjoy your new life adventure with them all fading in your rear view mirror.

Take care of  you.

Siemprematahari's picture

I gave 4 years to these girls...and I worked constantly to provide for them, love them, and right the wrongs of two really bad parents...in the end the only lesson that was learned was by me...never again! 

  • The lesson learned here is you can't right the wrongs of 2 bad parents. They are the only one that can fix that. So in the end the only person you can change is you. You can start by looking for a new job ASAP and get the heck away from him. Cut all that friendly talk and start a new chapter in your life that doesn't include him and his kids.

Etta's picture

Probably the most painful thing in all of this was the fact that I had no real choice in taking on a parenting role, and I've been chastized for it.

The girls mother was sentenced to six months in jail, and her mother was very ill and could not manage two girls.  I had no choice...there was no choice.  There was no boundary for me to have when they were with me 24/7.  I had to take care everything while their father worked...He was the main part of our business.

The youngest had been so neglected that we put her in tutoring.  She was going into the 2nd grade with a Kindergarten learning level and had failed that once already.  She was shamed into not being able to read by one of her classmates in 1st grade.  Plus, they both needed health matters taken care of.

So, here I am running a business and shuffling two kids around.  My days started at 5:30 and ended at midnight...and I had no help!

Their grandmother and I got along very well before the split.  I had confided in her many times as to the problems that started to surface with SD12, and she was very sympathetic and would praise me for what I was doing.  When I went back to work for SO she called and got very irate with me because she perceived I did SD12 wrong (I'm certain SD12 and HCBM had a field day telling her things) and I said "It was a horrible position for me to be put in" and her response with as much contempt as you can imagine was "YOU PUT YOURSELF IN THAT POSITION"...and I said "WHO ELSE WAS THERE???? WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO???? WAS I SUPPOSED TO TURN MY BACK ON THEM AND THROW THEM OUT????"

After that my blood began to boil and I told her to never bother me again, and I wanted nothing to do with any of them...but what gaul...I took care of two children when no one else would put them first, and this is the thanks that I got?  Their own mother was too busy tending to her own needs and getting arrested on a regular basis, and I'm the bad guy because she said so!  The truth - I was making HCBM look bad, so I had to be taken down and she was successful!  Now the two of them (HCBM and SD12) will be killing eachother soon.  HCBM hasn't left the sober house yet, but when she does SD12 will show her exactly who she's dealing with!  Before HCBM was arrested it had almost come to the two of them putting hands on eachother and now SD12 is bigger than her mother...I will hear about this in the news I'm sure!

I won't be working for SO very long.  It's been a dreadful few months and I needed to fall back and regain some strength.  I've had a great deal of loss and I'm still trying to work through greiving and trying to figure out what in the world I'm going to do.  I don't have to deal with SO much and he leaves me alone out of fear that I am leaving soon.  

The part of our relationship that I thought was the strongest part was the weakest.  If someone would have told me it would have turned out this way I would have never believed them.  It's all over now...and I need to close this horrible chapter of my life.  It's just painful sometimes...