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Disengaging with bio and step kids in the home?

Shameme39's picture

How do you disengage when you live with bio kids and step kids full time? 

My husband has issues with decency and respect, and I am no longer interested in playing step mom of the year for a disrespectful husband and his kids who lack a lot in basically all areas of life.  2 SD's 6 and 10.... I can barely stand them but what really puts the icing on the cake is my husband shows me little to no respect knowing how draining this situation is for me....we have a bio daughter together . 4. She's my pride and joy. I have disengaged from my sk's for the most part as I plan my exit strategy from this marriage and home.... but my daughter is affected because they usually are altogether in the home. I have to sort of steal moments of time with her in 15-20 minute increments so that it's not glaringly obvious that I just don't want to deal with SK's. With that being said, I don't get enough time with my actual daughter because even though I can't stand my sk's, I don't want to hurt their feelings. Any advice? 

JRI's picture

It sounds like you are mentally out the door already so I would concentrate on speeding up your exit plan.

It seems like your main issue is your DH, not the SKs so much and I don't blame you if he shows you no respect.  Im sorry.

shellpell's picture

Your #1 responsibility is to your daughter. You will never get that time back with her, so just do what you need to do to spend time and love your daughter. You are going to be out of the marriage soon, so you can't concern yourself with skids' feelings.

Harry's picture

That SD don't really care about her,  they. Only care about themselves.  Kids adjust , fast,   Yes , it will be different if you split.  Different noes not mean worst.  Different can be much better for DD 

tog redux's picture

I know of many parents who spend time individually with each of their kids. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you taking time alone with your daughter. Tell the skids that just like they get time with their mom, she gets time with you.  If their feelings are hurt, they will survive.

Shameme39's picture

Thing is sk's have an absent mom who  parties and rarely ever prioritizes them so they already have issues on that front. Told husband yesterday I need to prioritize spending time with my daughter and he basically presented it to sk's like "you all will get your time with stepmom so don't get upset when she spends time with bio child"... the issue remains. I'm so mad at him still implicitly putting the burden of spending individual time with them on me instead of putting it on himself. Makes me sick. Can't wait to get my ducks in a row and get out of this situation. Everyday it becomes more apparent he just wants me to replace their shitty mom without considering the fact that I never signed up to do so. He doesn't even make the connection that his lack of respect for me directly correlates with my disinterest in being super stepmom to them. 

Rags's picture

I didn't disengage.  I have always considered disengagement an abdication of part of my life with my DW and ... with the Skid.

But to be clear, I never had the toxic Skid drama or idiot spouse issues that so many in the blended family world suffer with. My Skid was always pretty well behaved and respectful, my wife welcomed my participation in parenting my SS and made it clear to him that when I spoke, she was speaking, together we set the example of a quality adult relationship, and made it clear that our marriage was our unchallenged priority. He also know that he was our top responsibility.

He launched 10 years ago, is a successful adult, and extremely enjoyable to be around.

We would tolerate nothing less from him as a kid, and he will tolerate nothing less from himself as an adult.