Help! Starting to resent husband & sd’s
Hello.... please bare with me. Going to try to make this as brief as possible ... here are some key details about my situation.
1. been with my husband for 6 years. He he 2 daughters before me.
2. We have a 4 y/o girl together. She's my 1st kiddo.
3. My sd's were somewhat bearable in the beginning because they lived with their mom
4. Bio mom became increasingly neglectful so they ended up living with us... she rarely calls and goes months without seeing them. Doesn't do anything. Seemingly just gave up.
5. Because she has been so neglectful throughout their lives, my sk's lack ALOT emotionally, intellectually, etc... for ex., my younger SD is almost 7 and cannot read at all. Stressful to deal with at times.
6. Now that they live with me I find myself resenting their presence because my bio daughter and I have this super close bond and affection for each other that I feel like I have to suppress most of the time because I don't feel remotely similar about them. So I end up withholding genuine affection for my daughter to preserve their feelings. Don't get me wrong, I treat them with kindness and respect, but my love for them is not just overflowing or unconditional, and I avoid giving fake affection because I feel they will sense it.
7. to make things worse, my husband falls somewhere on the narcissistic pd spectrum. Quite often he has been verbally abusive toward me in front of them and It's always a fight for him to accept blame or be corrected. And it baffles me that he can disrespect me so easily despite the regular efforts I make to not only show him respect, but to make his daughters feel like they have a place in our home... and I do many things to accommodate them at my own daughter's expense.
there's so much more but these are the main points of what's going on in my life, and I am battling with myself about just walking away and restarting my life so I can enjoy my daughters company without my husband and his emotional baggage and his kids....vs staying and TRYING to find a way to make this work. But my husband and his tendency to be disrespectful makes me feel guilty for feeling conflicted. Respect is non negotiable. I should leave anyway right?
I feel like his disrespect toward me is a huge part of the reason I can't bring myself to want to strengthen the bond with his daughters too...I feel like my daughter is not getting what she deserves from me because I keep trying to find ways to keep I my husband and his kids into my life despite the fact being around them makes me increasingly discontented. So, any advice would be appreciated.
You're right, it can't keep
You're right, it can't keep on going on like this. Whether or not you should leave - that depends on whether or not you and your H are capable of changing the current dynamic. Unfortunately with narcissistic personalities it's an uphill battle and the lip service that compels you to stay only lasts so long. You know your H better than us, use your judgement and decide on counselling or stashing money away for a move. Just don't go for option 3 and do nothing.
On a more personal note I resented my mother for years for never having the courage to take me and my sister away from my abusive narcissistic father when we were little. I admit it took a different sort of courage to stay so we could afford to stay above the poverty line and I understand her reasoning. Just not sure if I agree on her choice not to leave.
Welcome to the site!
There are no good reasons for staying in a relationship with a verbally abusive narcissist. Having realised that this is what he is, I would get out, for your daughter's sake if not your own.
It seems like
you have already decided that you are leaving. The SDs situation is sad but your first priority should be your BD.
Of course you can try to find a way to make it work, but your efforts will be futile unless your H recognizes his disorder and wants to change.
Otherwise, you know what to do. Good luck to you and your beautiful daughter.
If you have a kid together.
If you have a kid together. You need to go to marriage counseling and talk beforehand about finding one you both like and not feeling like one is getting the brunt of the "negativity" with the therapist and just remember even then you will have to come to your own conclusions independent of the therapist but that also means being very open to hearing what they have to say...
just leaving with a kid together is a completely different story then if he just has his precious two kids.
Failed father, narcissist....
Failed father, narcissist.... why would you pollute your gene pool with this guy?
You now have a life long conflict ahead of you to minimize the influence of this NPD failed man and his failed family progeny on your own child.
Good luck. I hope you are successful in protecting yourself and your child.
My love for him has not been
My love for him has not been on the basis of what is rational, unfortunately. Our daughter is sweet and brilliant though. I'm a school teacher, and I've been able to get her reading on a second grade level despite being only 4. She has an energetic spirit and bright future ahead, but there's so much more that I can offer her that's being impeded by this draining situation...thanks
A great mom is capable of
A great mom is capable of amazing things, even in overcoming a poor choice of a father for their child. My DW is one, as you also seem to be. IMHO the odds of success for a miss-sired child is in direct relation to the mom's ability to minimize the time they tolerate the presence of an idiot SpermDad and any paternally supplied failed family progeny.
In our case the Spermidiot ruined the lives of my SS's three younger also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas. The differentiator in the outcome for my SS is my DW. She made raising her son to avoid the crap of the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool her top adult responsibility. A big part of that was investing in a committed prioritized mutually respectful adult relationship instead of the indiscriminate out of wedlock breading campaign parade of baby mamas propagated by the Spermidiot.
Take care of you and your young one.
Good luck.
I am both convicted and
I am both convicted and inspired. Thank you!