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Help with Extended Family Involving Themselves

Toomanytimesagain's picture

I have two adult bio children and two step children. Because of too many instances to mention I disengaged slowly with my 2 step children starting when they were around 21 and 23. This was for my own metal health and relationship with my husband. Since then without me planning events keeping track etc. The relationship has gotten even worse and basically nonexistent with their dad. My husband is kind of fed up with them at this point. Nothing has happened they just treat us with indifference and lack of want of a relationship or want to see this family. Now my husband's sisters are involving themselves and now they give us unsolicited advice and text the stepchildren which makes them defend themselves and makes my husband look bad. My husband doesn't care what his sisters think and says I shouldn't either and that we know what has happened over the years and they don't. Because we don't share the stories. Any advice? 

diver111's picture

Sounds like the sisters are being flying monkeys! How long has it been since you disengaged? I did the same thing when my SD was 19 and it has been 10 years. She was into drugs, theft, etc and was in and out of jail (eventually landed herself in prison for 6 months). I had to do it for my mental health and the safety of my two bios. I would ignore it - as you said, they do not know the details of what has happened in the past. 

Toomanytimesagain's picture

I decided to disengage about 2 years ago. After they were more into their adult years. Thank you for your advice. 

SeeYouNever's picture

My SILs are the same with my SD14. They are much younger than DH and love to give him guilt and advice about his relationship with SD and meddle in our lives. 

No advice other than to go no contact. These people will use any info they can to create drama so don't give them any if you value peace.

Toomanytimesagain's picture

Thanks! I've just been having my husband respond to the Sister when she texts me and tries to get inside info. It really has made it worse. I'm kind of insulted now because she tells her brother things she does with her adult children alone and her husband makes sure it happens every week. Well they are married and not dealing with ex's or intentional exclusion. I'm so sensitive over this I feel like she was almost insuating I was keeping him from doing this. 

Findthemiddle's picture

SILs are being rude and presumptuous- I can see why you are offended.   However, it's a tar baby and once you engage them you will be stuck trying to justify yourself.  In the long run polite  silence is best.  Let your husband deal with them.  

Carriem's picture

Trust your hubby to deal with it as he knows his kids and his family. Many times we want to clear up our side or clear our names but there's not a need to do that most times. They just want the drama and when they don't get it they will move on. 

Thumper's picture

Have you considered blocking telephone numbers from your personal cell IF they text or call you?

 

Hesitant to try's picture

people like this want engagement/confrontation, they want to feel like they're "saving" others, like their contribution is so helpful and important, it's a good thing they're here. [Insert eye roll.] If you don't participate, they'll have to give up eventually. It's like playing tennis by yourself - let them run themselves around with nobody hitting the ball back. In the meantime, let hubby deal with it. In general, men seem better about letting things roll off and I think that's what you need to do here. If the sister gets out of line, hubby should shut her down and tell her to mind her own business. She's welcome to have whatever relationship she wants with the skids but she shouldn't be affecting your relationship with them. Sounds like she's assuming all kinds of things - don't humor her.

Toomanytimesagain's picture

Thank you for the great advice everyone. It's good to be able to talk to someone neutral about it so I'm not involving anyone else. 

Rags's picture

Share the stories with his sisters then tell them to butt out since they have no clue of the situation or the history.

Behind the scenes manipulators cringe when they lights are thrown on.  My DW had to do this with her own family when their manipulative bullshit got too much for her to ignore or let slide.

She called the on it, things go very tense for a couple of years, then the relationships started to reform with far less of the toxic manipulative back stabbing bullshit.

Toomanytimesagain's picture

Still getting texts from one SIL. I didn't respond for a few days to her sending pictures of social media posts of SS and the cool and great things he is doing. Not sure why she sent them to me. Doesn't send them to her brother (my husband) but me. Almost feel like she is implying something. Just feeling offended and I've  had medical issues so I just chose not to respond. Then she texts and asked why I didn't respond. All she did was send me a picture. It's like not only are we dealing with the lack of want of a relationship with the SS and SD but now we have to deal with his sisters poking the bear. I feel like it's asking someone going through a divorce how was their anniversary. Am I wrong? 

The_Upgrade's picture

"I was confused as to why you would send me a picture of SS. Thought you meant to send it to his dad and hit my number by mistake. And if the picture was intended for me, I am unsure of what response you expect as SS has chosen to absent himself from this family"

Then just to be a facetious I'd copy and paste the response she tells me I'm supposed to have as the standard response every time she pokes the bear. Like if she responded with "I thought I'd send it to you so that you could be happy SS is having a good time living life to the best" then my response to every query would be "I'm happy SS is having a good time living life to the best" word for word, copy and paste, copy and paste Smile

Toomanytimesagain's picture

Thank you. Sometimes I just don't have the words.I'm trying not to have problems with SIL because of the step kids. But sometimes I feel like I don't really matter to any of them except my husband. Honestly, I feel like if something happens to my husband my relationship with them would be done too. They are all so into social media and posts and I'm not. I don't like having relationships with people only through social media posts that go to 1,000 other people. Right now I feel like I'm just a host for  their family when they come into town so they can all meet at our house. I got off Facebook because they still communicate with the ex wife(who poisoned the kids minds). Ugh

Winterglow's picture

"Look, SIL, nobody loves a busybody... so mind your own business. "

And end that conversation immediately, walk away, hang up, etc. Don't be afraid to offend her because she isn't afraid of offending you, is she? 

Toomanytimesagain's picture

Still disengaging. SS didn't wish his dad happy Father's Day or reach out. No contact in probably 6 months. SS birthday is coming up. Do I text Happy Birthday or just ignore him like they do us? I'm so torn. Do I just let this go? 

Merry's picture

Just let it go. If your DH wants to send him a happy birthday message, fine, but there is zero reason you need to.

My DH is responsible for remembering and acting on all birthdays for his family. If he remembers, great. If not, it's not my problem.

strugglingSM's picture

My skids are not adults, but DH's mother and brother got involved in BM's crazy accusations that we were traumatizing the children. They both told DH that he just didn't love his children enough and he needed to realize that BM was a "good person" and he should "work out his differences" with her. Um, his "differences" are that BM is abusive and a liar and it wouldn't matter if DH did everything she asked (as he did when I met him), she would still treat him like cr$p and call him a terrible person because she has "borderline tendencies" (according to multiple counselors both DH and I have seen separately and together, including counselors who met BM and saw her interactions with DH. 

In response, I've distanced myself from both of them. I'm sure they notice, but I'm not sure they realize why that is. I don't trust either of them and I also know that they both think I'm part of the problem, even though neither one has ever talked to me about it. They have not seen anything that would lead them to believe that what BM says is true, they've just taken her word at face value without asking either DH or I what is going on. Makes me feel like I'm not even part of my own life, in their eyes. 

It's difficult and isolating, especially since we live near DH's family (due to skids) and not mine, but I know we will never get any acknowledgement from either one that what they did was wrong or unfair. DH has asked MIL multiple times for an apology and she refuses, telling him he just has to "move on" and "realize people make mistakes", but she said some really hurtful things and she continues to work with BM against DH (in her mind, she is just supporting skids, but in my mind, she's just keeping the drama alive). I don't have time in my life anymore for people with are that dismissive and abusive, so I'm cordial with both of them, but that's it. 

SeeYouNever's picture

My younger SILs are the same way and meddlesome with my DH and SD14. They constantly judge him and tell him they don't approve of what he's done with his life and try to make him feel guilty for abandoning SD when in reality BM took off with her and wouldn't let him see her. In their eyes they are like his children and have their own issues with his divorce. The one SIL takes his divorce personally and acts like another SD.  She needs to grow up and take ownership of her own life. She blames my DH and his divorce for her failed relationships!

He talks to them for holidays and only the minimum. It's also a good idea to keep alcohol at a minimum because his sisters get beer muscles.  It's sad to cut off siblings but it's all you can do 

 

Toomanytimesagain's picture

Why am I so stupid? So I should of listened. My husband texted Happy Birthday to his BS. Got a response. So I thought I should text too. Got no response. Now I feel worse. I just don't understand why people act like this. I feel horrible. 

hereiam's picture

Please don't let it make you feel bad, you are a good person, his kids are awful. The least SS could do is acknowledge your text but he's not even adult enough to do that. That's on HIM.

 

SMto2's picture

I'm sorry this happened to you. After over two decades as a SM, I'm still learning to protect my heart by not putting myself out there to be rejected. It truly sucks when all we want to do is be kind human beings, but that's the way it is. I also wanted to tell you I can somewhat relate to meddling ILs. We were hosting a birthday party for my MIL and my SIL texted me to ask if SSs 25 & 27 and their DWs and SGDs would be there so she'd know how much cake to order. I so wanted to respond that OF COURSE, SSs would not be there, as it was not a gift-receiving occasion for them, but I just said they wouldn't be there. I know my SIL has a good heart, can't possibly understand and is just treating it as she would if it were her adult kids in her nuclear family, but it's still irritating.

Toomanytimesagain's picture

I hate that this is something to relate to but it is and it is comforting to know my feelings are valid. That is how I feel and why I need to disengage to protect my heart. Thank you for your words and sharing. 

Hippiemama's picture

If I get a group text, I'll reply very short and sometimes I won't.  They happen only like quarterly lol but I am not sending gifts anymore, I sent a happy birthday text and that was it. Last gift I sent was very expensive and time consuming and when I asked if we could possibly have a better relationship Bc I'd like to have a better relationship I was met with nothingness not even a "Aw yeah thatd be nice".....: my mantra has been "fuck them kids" for some time now it's working out quite nicely lol.  I would just be cordial if you ever have to see them in person, don't let them drain you anymore.  They lose their power when you just stop caring.  Stop caring about looking like the nice one, the way it appears to other people, any of it.  There's a reason there's a group online for this.  The situation can be very toxic when you have unhealthy ex wives or BMs or unhealthy SKids.  Not your fault!!!!! They don't want to be saved, it's like they want every family to be a wreck just like theirs and you have the right to disengage.  Don't do anything that makes you feel like you're giving anything or can set you up to be disappointed.  It gets better! 

Hippiemama's picture

A good way to look at it is, if these people were not related would I keep them in my life? How would I treat them if there wasn't a biological tether?  Then understand there isn't a biological tether for you, understand that as adults people get treated the way they treat others, no one should have access to undeserved unconditional kindness from you if they are not tending to that relationship.  And also, sometimes you don't need a horror story to just not want to have a relationship with some people.  Some people just put off a vibe that is not in alignment with you.  We have this notion that because someone is born from some one that means they should be forever connected and it's just simply not true.  Family is not DNA, family is who stands behind you, loves you and supports you.  I had to stop showing family love to people who treat me with apathy and it was so liberating .  

CLove's picture

Because of the whole "broadcast" of screen caps that Feral Forger SD22 put out the other day and the subsequent conversations he had to have with "The Family", explaining why hes not swooping in to rescue her from her horrible mother.

I refuse to be held hostage by her in my own home. I refuse to respond to her character assassination text. I dont care whose kid she is, I will not sacrifice my happiness. The inlaws can think what they like, they didnt have to live my life when Iived with HER. If they want to help her so badly, THEY can house her knarly gross self, and deal with her lazy, as well as her disrespectful mean attitude. I am a card carrying member of the "Done Club".

caninelover's picture

When I disengaged from SD24 Bratty McBratFace SO's family stayed out of things and continue to do so, rightfully so.  Bratty interacts wtih them but if she bad-mouths me (probably does to some degree) they don't let on or pass it back to us.  

If I interact with them I don't say anything negative about Bratty either.  If SO is singing her praises, I just stay quiet.

How annoying for you to have these two grown-arse adults interfering in your life.  Are their lives so perfect?  Where are their kids?  Do they even have any?  I agree with others - just ignore this stuff adn disengage from the in-laws, if needed.

Toomanytimesagain's picture

So sister in law is still sending me pictures of the adult step kids when they can cross multiple states to see them while they are on vacation but can't go 20  minutes to see their dad. I send one word responses like nice or a smiling face. After the holidays the sil will be staying with us and I'm sure the adult SC will be around for that only because of them not us. My husband is dreading for his sister to come because he doesn't want to deal with her questions. We don't want to get into all of this with her. How can we politely put her in her place to stop her trying to involve her self trying to fix things?

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Polite doesn't work with tone deaf people like your SIL. The message has to come from her brother, and it has to be blunt so she gets the reality of how her behavior hurts him. Anything less than directness will be ineffective.

She sends messages to you to toy with you, because she likely thinks you're somehow the wedge between your H and SS. It needs to be made clear that she needs to butt out, stop fomenting discord, and show some loyalty towards her brother.